My GF is pregnant... ?

[harley1969]

Hello,

Firstly some back ground. Im 42 shes 46 Ive got 4 kids to a previous relationship and she has 2. Weve been together almost a year and are very much in love and had planned on moving in together very soon and getting married in the next few years.

She cant fall pregnant, has polycystic ovaries and after 7 years of trying with her ex for their second child had to have IVF. (He was checked out and it wasnt his sperm which was fine)

So for the past year we have been merrily going along having sex without contraception and lots of it and never even looked like getting pregnant. But miracles do happen and she is, the doctor said its a one in a 1000,000,000 chance.

But I dont know what to do? Part of me says dont keep it Ive already got four kids. But then the other half of me wants to have this baby with someone I love. My last partner fell pregnant with our first by accident and I stayed with her and had four more children each one not planned.

But for the second half of those 13 years together I never really loved her and wanted more in a partner and she felt the same about me.

I also think at our ages weve had our turn at raising kids now its our turn to enjoy our lives.

I am also very worried about what other people will say, my mother who hated me having kids with my ex, but that was because she hated my ex even before I was with her and I was only 24. Now with my GF we are older mature (hopefully wiser) and know what we want in life. And we are financially better off too.

Workmates, my brother her ex, it bothers me what they will all be saying, theyre too old, theyve only been together 12 months blah blah.

My GF wants to keep the baby in a way because she says its a miracle and was meant to be, but shes also very confused as well.

Anyway just wanted to vent, would be great to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation to me at this age?

Also if your going to preach to me about the wrongs of abortion etc save it for someone else Im not interested in hearing it.

[TaraMaiden]

I wouldn't dream of preaching but 2 things:

it was a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance - but it still happened. So really, it was a joint effort, and it's here.

 

secondly - how does she feel about it?

Whatever you feel about termination and abortion doesn't matter diddly-squat.

Ppeople are still going to comment, and it will be their right to put forward their opinion. You post something like that, it's a red flag, and you'll just have to take it as it comes.

 

It's something you're thinking about - but what's her opinion?

Joint baby, joint decision.

It's here, happening and if she disagrees - you're stuck with it.

[harley1969]

Well shes not sure either, when she only thought she was pregnant she said if she was she would terminate. But things are always different once its real and now she doesnt know what she wants.

 

And yes your right Taramaiden, Im expecting all sorts of opinions good and bad. But im a big boy I can take it.

:)

[TaraMaiden]

(First of all, I should clarify my position: I do not hold with any type of killing, and am a pro-lifer - but I also respect the choices people make and can never say whether in their precise and duplicate shoes, I would do any different. end.)

 

OK - let's put the moral and ethical situation to one side for a moment.

 

Let's look at the cold hard facts shall we?

 

Fatherhood at your age, is no big deal. There are guys both older and younger than you who are fine fathers.

You can procreate until the cows come home....at the risk of being clinical, your role was contributory. Her role is potential commitment.

 

When the child is 14 she will be 60.

 

What's her family's health record?

General longevity?

Will she have the energy needed at that time, to bring up, care for, discipline and generally look after a pubescent teenager?

 

Pregnancies later in life can carry more health risks for the mother AND the child.

What does her doctor advise her to do?

The clock is ticking, and you don't have a huge window of opportunity, if you decide to terminate.

And as I really am sure I don't need to tell you - a kid is for life.

Theirs or yours.

 

Really, you both need to examine the bigger picture, not just the immediate preliminary sketch.....

[harley1969]

We both have very healthy families and both our parents are alive well into their late 60's early 70's. The doctor didnt say anything to us about birth defects etc but sent my partner for a blood test.

 

The problem is if my partner thinks im liking the idea and everything is great shes good and we get along fine. But if I even mention one thing like what are we going to do about our finances once you stop work she cracks the ****s, tells me she doesnt want a baby with me anyway and that its over and she doesnt want anything to do with me blah bah. Shes very stubborn and has done this twice now when she thinks Im against it. All Ive said to her is that we really need to consider all the options.

 

None of our kids live with us. Her 12 year old daughter stays with us two nights a week but is with her dad the rest. he drops her home in the morning so her mum can take her to school and pick her up again and he picks her up when he finishes work at night from our house.

I have my two boys 11 and 8 every second weekend. So we certainly have no problems there. Financially we are okay I have a good paid job and she has her settlement coming from her ex.

What Im really worried about is if it doesnt work out and Im left with another child I only see every second weekend. Thats my biggest fear. We havent been together that long really. But I was only with my ex this long when she first got pregnant and we had four kids together.

[TaraMaiden]

Then you have to make things absolutely clear, and tell her your concerns. But it sounds as if she has made her mind up, and like it or not, you have a child on the way, and all that entails. Whether you stay with her, is immaterial.

You're a father.

Again.

 

I'd consider a vasectomy.....

 

I'm serious.

[TaraMaiden]

Why are you confused?

[Cee]

You need to talk about all possibilities here, including birth defects. Older women are more likely to give birth to a child with Down's Syndrome. At age 45, a woman's chance of having a baby with Down's Syndrome is 1 in 30. By the way, a sonogram will not detect that. Only an amniocentisis or CVS will.

 

My sister was 39 when she gave birth to a baby with Down's Syndrome. He's a cutie patootie and his parents love him to death. They didn't have an amnio and would have kept him no matter what. But it was a shocking experience and he was in the NICU for a while with breathing problems. About half of children with Down's Syndrome are born with heart defects or other problems.

 

My nephew is a total blessing, but he has two parents who love each other and him very much. And they have the finances to be able to look after his life time care.

 

This is a big decision to make. Do some research and have lots of conversation about every possible outcome.

[harley1969]

i am very confuse after reading this one.... how it happen with you. you did not take any step before this.

 

Well when a man and a woman love each other very much they........:p

 

Seriously what are you confused about?? That we didnt take any contraception before this?? My GF has polycystic ovaries and the doctors said she had a 1 in a million chance to fall pregnant. Weve been having "relations" for almost a year now and never had a problem. It just happened and were just as shocked, she tried for 7 years with her ex before finally having IVF.

 

My GF says shes booked in to have a termination next Thursday. I dont know if this is true or not because she's barely speaking to me and everytime I try and bring it up she accuses me of being insenstive and that sets off another argument and her ignoring me for 24 hours.

Were going to my brothers for my mums birthday tonight and she didnt want to go saying they will notice shes not having a drink or smoke (She smokes very occasionally I might add) I said well if your going next Thursday to have a termination what would it matter if you do? ( Trying to get her to admit shes not really booked in) But I also said just tell them you have a migraine...But boy did I say the wrong thing. She cracked it called me an insenstive Pr%$k and to get lost and never speak to her again.

I didnt say she should drink and smoke I actually told her what to say to cover it up but I still copped it.

 

If this had happend in two years time or we had been together a few years already or I didnt already have 4 kids and her two I would be jumping at the chance, but I just think it wasnt meant to be..:confused:

[harley1969]

Well I've tried to be supportive as I could but I just don't seem to be doing anything right. No matter what I say I'm never right and she cracks the ****s. Last night we had a massive fight where she had a go at me and stuck up for her ex husband over me which is something she's never done before

We were both yelling at each other.

Today she texts me and says its not working out and this pregnancy should be drawing us closer together instead of pushing us further apart. But that's because she's not letting us be closer. I haven't once said I don't want this baby, but she always says I don't want it and wouldn't care if she miscarried etc

So she says it's over and it's probably for the best. She's done this every day just about since she got pregnant. Starts out good telling me she loves me then I say one wrong thing and she cracks it and it's all over and she tells me to F Off And says Why Woukd you want to be with someone who treats you like this? I don't know if she's saying this so I will get the hint and leave???

 

I'm not sure what to do now. I told her I agree we should split up because im sick of her treating me like crap as I don't deserve it. What should I do now just leave her alone for a few days and see if she contacts me??

[harley1969]

Well after I told her I agree she did an about face and set me a text saying she loves me and feels bad for treating me like this but she feels like Im being distant. I said thats because she wont let me in at all.

I dont know if I want this babay I never said I do and I never said I dont. She has booked in for a termination, reluctantly. I think her problem is deep down she would love to have this baby but she knows just like I do there are so many things agaisnt us right now. My 4 kids and her 2 kids for starters, her age, etc etc.

 

My biggest fear is telling my family, my mother can be a real PITA at times and she hated it when my ex got pregnant with our four children as every one of them was not planned. But then again she hated my ex before I had even met her as she was a friend of my sisters, so it might be different this time because she loves my GF.

My sister said "Your 42 she cant tell you what to do" but Im worried about hearing the "I told you so" from her if things dont work out.

I have my boys this weekend and would normally drop them home tonight and head around to her house (We were in the process of moving in together when all this happened), but she went to work and didnt ask me if Im coming voer when she finishes so Im going to give her some space and stay home. Problem is shes so volatile right now she will probably crack it and say, "See you didnt even want to see me"

 

I can never win

[heartshaped]

Well after I told her I agree she did an about face and set me a text saying she loves me and feels bad for treating me like this but she feels like Im being distant. I said thats because she wont let me in at all.

I dont know if I want this babay I never said I do and I never said I dont.

 

I think that's the huge problem here. You just don't know and she needs you to know. At the very least, have you told her that you will be supportive no matter what because that's what she needs to hear, that's the right thing to say, and it's definitely the right thing to do. Even if it was a slim chance she would get pregnant you were still sleeping with her without protection, you've been a father four times already I'm sure you know how this goes. It's time to man up.

[harley1969]

.. At the very least, have you told her that you will be supportive no matter what because that's what she needs to hear, that's the right thing to say, and it's definitely the right thing to do.

 

YES Thats exactly what Ive told her on numerous occasions that I will support her no matter what she decides. I also told her that if many things were different I would be over the moon with joy and so proud to tell everybody and announce it to the world.

I think deep down she knows it too. She sent a text today saying she feels so frustrated that this is a miracle but she cant have it. I think we still have a long road to go yet.

[Art_Critic]

To me it sounds like she feels she is making the decision all by herself...

It comes across to me in your posts that you seem to have already made the decision that you don't want it..She most likely senses that and is in turmoil over the decision because what she feels is at odds with what she thinks you feel.

 

Have you been to the DR with her ?

[Lauriebell82]

YES Thats exactly what Ive told her on numerous occasions that I will support her no matter what she decides. I also told her that if many things were different I would be over the moon with joy and so proud to tell everybody and announce it to the world.

I think deep down she knows it too. She sent a text today saying she feels so frustrated that this is a miracle but she cant have it. I think we still have a long road to go yet.

 

That sounds like you don't want the baby. If my husband told me that I'd be absolutely heartbroken. I'm just being honest.

 

Well after I told her I agree she did an about face and set me a text saying she loves me and feels bad for treating me like this but she feels like Im being distant. I said thats because she wont let me in at all.

I dont know if I want this babay I never said I do and I never said I dont. She has booked in for a termination, reluctantly. I think her problem is deep down she would love to have this baby but she knows just like I do there are so many things agaisnt us right now. My 4 kids and her 2 kids for starters, her age, etc etc.

 

My biggest fear is telling my family, my mother can be a real PITA at times and she hated it when my ex got pregnant with our four children as every one of them was not planned. But then again she hated my ex before I had even met her as she was a friend of my sisters, so it might be different this time because she loves my GF.

My sister said "Your 42 she cant tell you what to do" but Im worried about hearing the "I told you so" from her if things dont work out.

I have my boys this weekend and would normally drop them home tonight and head around to her house (We were in the process of moving in together when all this happened), but she went to work and didnt ask me if Im coming voer when she finishes so Im going to give her some space and stay home. Problem is shes so volatile right now she will probably crack it and say, "See you didnt even want to see me"

 

I can never win

 

You seem concerned at what family members will think about the situation. But what about what the two of YOU think? This is your baby after all.

 

It sounds to me like she wants the baby, but more importantly she wants YOU to want the baby. I have talked with women who had abortions because it's what they thought their partners wanted, and they have regretted it every day of their lives.

 

If you don't want the baby then fine, but don't let her get an abortion when you know she really doesn't want to have one. Booking an abortion "reluctantly" is NOT a good idea!

Edited June 20, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[harley1969]

I haven't been to the doctor with her. She told me her appointment was a thurs arvo and it wad actually thurs morning. She was in angry with me mode at the time so didn't want me going.

 

The problem is I suppose I don't want the baby. Yeh it would be nice to have this child with her, but I've already got 4 and her two and at 42 I just don't think I'm ready to do it all again go through the nappys and the car seat baby bags wherever you go all of that. She was about to do a course for a career change because she doesnt like her job and we were going to build a house together in the next year or two which would all have to be put on hold if we have this baby.

[harley1969]

Well it happened again. I went to her house tonight and she was very loving all over me kissing me and cuddling with me. Then we went to bed and cuddled somemore and I said to her we need to discuss this. She said well tell me what you think?

 

I started telling her that Im worried about the finances and she said thats because your paying child support for your other four kids, then started abusing me telling me im a f%$king loser a moron and she said why the F#%k would I want to have a baby with a dead $hit like you.

She said its over and wants me out of her life and when I asked why can you be so loving when I first get here and now this she said because your a dead **** and a F#@*ing loser and I already made up my mind not to have this baby with you. Your other four kids are dead $hits and brats so why would I want to have a child with you.

I told her she was a spoilt brat who cracked it when she didnt get ehr own way.

 

Then she started pushing me out of bed and told me to f%^ck off and go home.

 

I honestly dont know what to do here. She sabotages our relationship by calling me these things because it makes me feel why would I want to be with someone who could be so nasty and vindictive to me and my children.

[Lauriebell82]

Well it happened again. I went to her house tonight and she was very loving all over me kissing me and cuddling with me. Then we went to bed and cuddled somemore and I said to her we need to discuss this. She said well tell me what you think?

 

I started telling her that Im worried about the finances and she said thats because your paying child support for your other four kids, then started abusing me telling me im a f%$king loser a moron and she said why the F#%k would I want to have a baby with a dead $hit like you.

She said its over and wants me out of her life and when I asked why can you be so loving when I first get here and now this she said because your a dead **** and a F#@*ing loser and I already made up my mind not to have this baby with you. Your other four kids are dead $hits and brats so why would I want to have a child with you.

I told her she was a spoilt brat who cracked it when she didnt get ehr own way.

 

Then she started pushing me out of bed and told me to f%^ck off and go home.

 

I honestly dont know what to do here. She sabotages our relationship by calling me these things because it makes me feel why would I want to be with someone who could be so nasty and vindictive to me and my children.

 

She was wrong to say those hurtful things to you, but you were wrong as well. She wants to keep this baby and you obviously don't. You were there for the "making" also, and I'm sorry but YOU are being the selfish one here. I'm not excusing her actions, but she probably feels like you are trying to take her baby away from her, therefore she just snapped.

 

I honestly think it may be best for you two to go your seperate ways. I think that if you stay together you will end up resenting her for keeping the baby and she will end up resenting you for having wanted her to have an abortion. It will continue to be a source of conflict.

 

If you don't want to be a dad then don't, but don't make her give up being a mom.

[harley1969]

But that's the thing. I've never once said that I don't want this baby and I told her all along that I would support her no matter what she decided. I said either way I would be there for her and support her.

 

I just can't understand how she can tell me she loves me them two hours later she says she hates my guts I'm a loser and she had already decided she doesn't want this baby. I said to her uf you don't want it then what are we fighting about? You should agree with what I'm saying. It's as uf she's allowed to not want it but I'm not allowed to not want it.

Can she really hate me that much and not love me so easily. Should I just except it's over or might she come good once she's calmed down?

[Lauriebell82]

But that's the thing. I've never once said that I don't want this baby and I told her all along that I would support her no matter what she decided. I said either way I would be there for her and support her.

 

I think this was already covered by sadintexas..here is a reminder of her post. It's right on the money.

 

Here's what I think is going on...Even though you haven't said you don't want the baby, most likely, your rational questions and thinking it through is being interpreted by her as you not wanting the baby...or being unsure. That's what I think is setting her off. For whatever reason, I think she's worried about how you feel about it and feels defensive.

[Woman In Blue]

She was wrong to say those hurtful things to you, but you were wrong as well. She wants to keep this baby and you obviously don't. You were there for the "making" also, and I'm sorry but YOU are being the selfish one here. I'm not excusing her actions, but she probably feels like you are trying to take her baby away from her, therefore she just snapped.

Why isn't he allowed to be HONEST about the fact that he's not happy about the pregnancy? That makes him "wrong?" No, it doesn't. If I were a 42 year old man, I wouldn't be happy about it either. Guess I'm "selfish," too.

 

He's being HONEST. And the ONLY reason he wasn't using birth control is because his girlfriend told him she was sterile due to a medical condition, so let's not start acting as though he acted irresponsibly. They didn't use birth control because he was lead to believe he didn't NEED to.

 

Harley, she sounds like an absolutely horrid woman, hormones or not. She has NO respect for your kids and called them vile, nasty names. I'd have serous doubts about having a kid with her because she sounds dreadful. Apparently, even her OWN kid doesn't want to live with her and has to live with her father instead - what does THAT tell you about your girlfriend's parenting skills?

 

I think you're stuck for the next 21 years. Good luck to you, you're going to need it.

[Lauriebell82]

Why isn't he allowed to be HONEST about the fact that he's not happy about the pregnancy? That makes him "wrong?" No, it doesn't. If I were a 42 year old man, I wouldn't be happy about it either. Guess I'm "selfish," too.

 

He's being HONEST. And the ONLY reason he wasn't using birth control is because his girlfriend told him she was sterile due to a medical condition, so let's not start acting as though he acted irresponsibly. They didn't use birth control because he was lead to believe he didn't NEED to.

 

I never indicated that he wasn't "allowed" to not want the baby. Lots of men don't want to be fathers and leave their girlfriends when they get pregnant. What I find wrong is that Harley is trying to pursuade her to have an abortion when she clearly doesn't want to. THAT'S what I think is wrong. He is also trying to delude himself into thinking that deep down she wants to terminate the pregnancy when it's clear that she does not.

 

I don't agree with the way she treats him, the things that she said were very hurtful and innapropriate. What I was trying to say, is that we aren't talking about them arguing over what movie to rent, this is over the life of their child. That's why I advised that they go their seperate ways, obviously this isn't a healthy relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

I think you both need counselling, and you need to up your communication method, because whatever is being said, is ineffective.

Whatever you say, fires her off, and she gets obscenely defensive.

 

Was she this abusive when she wasn't pregnant?

I'm thinking massive hormone imbalance here, too, maybe.

 

Women of a certain age are hormonally erratic. Throw in a pregnancy, and all hell can break loose....