I'm in a mess.

[ordinaryworld]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum, but from what I have read, there is some great advice on here. Advice is what I really need right now My name is Carl btw.

 

Well I'll jump straight in.

 

So around 3 years ago I fell in love with a girl. An amazing girl. The kind of girl you lose sleep over, because you're too busy thinking about her. Hanging on to every word. Going over things in your head - like 'Wow, she looked really beautiful in the restaurant tonight' or 'I wonder if she'll have my children in the future'. To sum up - it was an uncontrollable love. We seemed perfect together. I wanted to be with her forever, truth is - I had it bad for her.

 

Well she was from Germany, and soon got homesick. I'm Scottish. We didn't want to be apart, so I agreed to move to her country. I'd have moved anywhere for us to be together. So Germany it was. I'm self employed, had a pretty good business in Scotland. I thought 'How hard can it be, I'll set up shop in Germany'. This didn't go according to plan. My business struggled to take off. It has began to take off now (although the relationship has gone downhill). Things are getting better. But I'm a very proud guy - I like to be independent. I like to be the bread winner. I found it difficult that she earned more money than me, but I kind of kept it inside. Until we began to have problems I think moving to Germany was a big mistake. My girlfriend began being pretty cruel to me once I was within her control. Embarrassing me in front of her friends (teasing my accent and laughing about an earring I was wearing)

 

I'm a dog person, she's a cat person. I'm allergic to cats - but we have 2 now because she loves them. This is despite my allergy! I'd do anything to please her. But then again...what does that say about her feelings for me? I suffer from asthma and she seems happy to put me through this. (It's too late now anyway - I'm attached to the cats and love them very much! )But it's just something that comes into my head now and then.

 

On the subject of her 'care' for me - once I was rushed to hospital because of suspected meningitis - and she just kept complaining on the way to the hospital about the health insurance and how much the bill will cost for this!! I would have liked her to hold my hand - I was a nervous wreck. But all she seemed bothered about was money. How much it would cost. She was actually angry at me for being ill. This hurt.

 

Once, I went back to Scotland to finish up some business. When I returned to Germany, I was tired from the flight and had my heart set on having a quiet dinner with my girlfriend. But she dragged me to a club with her friends (again). She always seemed so desperate for her friends' attention.

 

Then she began telling me a lot of weird stuff. Things about her past. That she was abused by her cousin, that she had an experience with a woman. Amongst other more shocking things... Some of this stuff was pretty hurtful for me to accept, actually. And as soon as I admitted to being insecure about certain details, she'd make them even more vivid and give me many more details. It was like she found my weak spot and beat me to death with it. On purpose.

 

Then one day, she said she'd made it all up for attention. Then another day she'd bring it back. Take it all back. Bring it all back. An endless circle. It's now been a year since she has brought it back. She swears she made all of this stuff up for attention. But she planted a seed. And that seed has now grown into a huge tree of doubt. I don't care anymore about the things she said. What I care about is not being able to trust her word. I don't know what to believe. I am put into weird situations... For example, when I met her cousin who she said had abused her, I felt sick shaking his hand. But then again, she said she'd made it up for attention and that he was innocent....

 

In the end I didn't want to be around her cousin anymore 'just in case'. So I left her Grandmother's funeral early....something which I would never usually do when I'm with a girlfriend. Especially this girl, who once meant everything to me.

 

More stuff has happened. She's been caught lying a few more times. Denying adding someone on facebook, but then when I asked to see her notifications, the add was there. I saw it and the cat was out of the bag. Again, it's the lying that hurts.

 

I wanted to marry this woman. But now I can't trust her. I'm stuck in Germany, away from my family and friends. She has rubbed it into my face when my business isn't doing well. She has insulted me when she gets into a bad mood (personal insults). She's also pretty controlling. Especially financially. She handles all of the money herself. Everything I get - I give to her. (Sometimes it isn't a lot, but I still give everything to her) I've worked relentlessly since being here. It's frustrating. The language is a big problem as well - although I have learned some and continue to learn.

 

We broke up once, and I went out with a couple of girls. I didn't want to - but I'd been begging her to get back together, and she had said 'no'. I was lonely and heartbroken, so I tried to ease the pain. Now she acts jealous of these other girls I was with. Even though they didn't mean anything to me. One of them was an old girlfriend and I do regret seeking comfort in her arms that one night. But at the same time, my girlfriend had been messing me around and saying 'I don't want you.' etc etc. So I guess I thought I was in a position to seek comfort with whoever I wanted...

 

But it's my current girlfriend who was my love, my everything. We have memories that are fairytale-like. But we have memories that are very dark and depressing now, as well. A lot of tears have been shed, and it's becoming difficult for me to hold onto this. I feel like my world has fallen apart, I'm almost paralysed by this. To look into her beautiful eyes, and to know that behind them, is a woman who has been so ruthless, so cold, sometimes I honestly thought it would be better to be dead than to be feeling so sad, like this. I'm a guy having crying spells fgs. I can't get a grip.

 

I never know whether to move back to Scotland or stay here in Germany with her.

 

Sorry this is so long - I'm desperate for help. What shall I do? This is killing.

 

Thank you.

[LjHappyDays]

It seems to me your confidence is destroyed and that she has such a hold over you.

 

You may love this woman, but do not be walked all over, tell her shes ruined your confidence, its not fair at all, you have given up alot for this woman she should respect that.

 

Only you know what to do, but just remember you are the most important person in all this. Your feelings and well being matter more.