suckered Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I have multiple sclerosis and have been hiding it from my boyfriend of 5 motnhs. I have hard time talking about it to anyone; people just tend to see me differently and it's not exactly sexy. I thought as long as he is not harmed by me withholding this info, all is good. I also didn't think this relationship will get this serious. But it is pretty serious now and I have told a lot of lies to cover up my illness. The biggest is that he thinks I work full time at my job but I only work 2.5 days a week (that's all I can manage). When I had to cancel dates because I am feeling sick, I would either say I have the flu or make up some other excuse (although I haven't been canceling all that often). When I felt sick in his presence I would say that I drank too much or ate something funny. Again, it doesn't happen too often so I don't think he suspects anything. I also can't exert myself too much (although sex is fine lol) so I can't do very physical dates or play demanding sports. I have been holding back a huge part of myself and it's time to come clean. Good people of Loveshack, how would you react if your partner dropped the bomb like this on you? Would you be able to forgive the lies in this scenario? Would you break up with them either because of the lies or because you can't handle dating someone with serious illness? Please don't sugarcoat your answers, I want to know the truth. I have never lied to him about anything else if that helps.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 In all honesty, I would not leave a partner over this if I was in love with him. Yes, you lied but I would understand....my dad has been ill for a long time so I have huge amount of compassion for sick people. It would perhaps make me sad that my partner didn't feel like he could confide in me sooner. I do have a feeling that many people would consider this a huge lie and wouldn't be able to get over it just being honest.
Cee Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I think people need to disclose things on their own time. I'm not supportive of people telling their life stories on the 2nd date. But 5 months is a long time, but it's not an unforgivable omission. I dated someone who had MS and he disclosed it right away and that was helpful. I knew from the start about his situation. We didn't work out, but it wasn't because of the MS. If my current BF told me he had MS (we've been dating 5 months), I wouldn't think for a second about leaving. I would stay without question. I would tell him that I am plenty strong and he shouldn't feel like he needs to hide things. When people love each other with their whole hearts, the concept "in sickness and in health" is really true. Couples can work together in adversity. I know it's scary to disclose, but your boyfriend might reveal his true colors and those colors may be quite wonderful. Expect shock and upset from him. He loves you and might panic that you are dying. Be patient when explaining the illness. He make ask stupid questions or make assumptions that aren't true. He might try to baby you too, but try to be firm and explain the illness to him. This is a major turning point in your relationship. I hope it works out. And from what you say, no matter what, you are going to be alright. Here's a bunny for moral support.
Ross MwcFan Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I'm not sure. If I loved someone and it turned out they had MS I'd stick with them. But if they had lied for a long time covering up that they had MS, I don't know how that would make me feel.
milkmaterial Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 just tel him youre afraid to lose him thats why you didnt come clean about it.. you can say,, well i have this sickness and it makes me ill sometimes but its completely under control and a lot of people have it, i have medications for it too, in medical terms its called multiple sclerosis ..
EasyHeart Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Tell him ASAP. I have a chronic medical condition and I've had lots of health problem in the recent past, and I always put that on the table during the first or second date. Sometimes it's a dealbreaker, sometimes it's not, but I think it's best to put that kind of stuff out there right away so that you know how the other person is going to react before either of you get emotionally invested.
Shadesofgray Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I agree with the other posters that with the relationship being serious..if he really loves you I wouldn't think it would be a dealbreaker. If it were my boyfriend and he explained everything (especially why he had kept it a secret) that I would have to be understanding. Truth is..you're going to have to tell him sooner or later...better to do it now. Good luck!
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I have a friend with MS. She often wouldn't tell guys right away because they would bolt. With her last BF her parents actually told him. They have now been married for a couple of years, but it was definitely months into the relationship before he knew anything. I think it's time to come clean. Be prepared to explain what MS is and answer questions he may have. He may be hurt that you didn't tell him sooner, but hopefully he will understand.
Dusk1983 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Your post made me very emotional, and I don't get like that online very often. What I will say is, if I loved you, I would stay with you no matter what, but I also know that seeing you suffering would inflict a terrible, lasting price on me. You have to put yourself first with this illness, at all times. Of course you do. But you are also asking him to face something that will probably change him forever. He deserves, in my opinion, to have that choice. Sooner rather than later. I hope that this doesn't sound patronising, but I just have a huge, inexplicable urge to give you a hug. Complete stranger or not. take care. Andy
cerridwen Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I would be: Concerned/alarmed for you Mad you didn't tell me sooner Understanding you were likely scared A bit resentful you had me invest feelings w/o full disclosure Then, if I was in love with you, I'd stay.
youngskywalker Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 (edited) I also didn't think this relationship will get this serious. For that reason it isn't necessary to reveal everything about your personal life early in a relationship. Now that it's going on 5 months and you have a check mark in your conscience, it's time to tell him. I honestly don't know how I would react. Whatever happens just know it was your right to withhold this info until a later time. Be prepared for him to feel a little deceived. 5 months is a long time IMO. After a month or say 5 dates I think would be a better time to tell someone. But that's water over that damn. Good luck and keep us informed on what goes on. There are many very supportive people here and will be there for you. Edited June 16, 2011 by youngskywalker
TigerCub Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hi OP, I too have MS. I've had it for ~ 9 years. I don't disclose having MS to people I"m just dating, because who cares, they don't need to know. But the boyfriend that I told, I told him when it was maybe 2 or 3 months into it because I knew that things were getting serious and I just wanted him to have all the information. However, I've been really lucky with my condition. So I never had to lie about work hours, date cancellations, etc. I'm sorry that your MS seems more advanced. I know the fear that comes with it. I say, tell him and express to him that in the beginning you didn't know where the R was going, and now that you care a lot about each other and its getting serious you feel you owe it to him to tell him everything. If he's mature, and cares about you, it wouldn't change anything. Best of luck to you ***HUGS***
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