hbchick Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 please help! my boyfriend of two years wants a break and to go have fun with his friends. I know we need this but i cant be ok with it im just afraid he will get over me when having fun with his friends and not want to get back with me. i dont know what advice to take, some people say let him have his space and im afraid that will push us further apart. but im afriad if i keep calling him and asking to hang out or keep telling him i want him back it will push him further away. this process is driving me crazy i just want to be with him again. what do i do and how can i learn to be ok with this break, or even should i be ok with this break? im so confused he has never acted like this before its like he changed. We were always so good with each other and were so open. We have way to much to just end. do you think this is just a phase hes going through and will realize how good we were together? please help i cant get this off my mind and im so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Would you ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Link to post Share on other sites
ace6061 Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Hbchick, I did the same thing to my last GF. I did not understand why i needed to but i did know that i needed it. I came back loving her more then when i left. I still can't tell you why i needed to go. My advise to you is let him go. I understand who much this hurts. The thing is that because he asked for some time then he understands that he needs it. If you try and hold on you will in turn push him further away. If he does come back after some space then you know that he wants the relationship. If he doesn't then you know that it was not right. I know this is the hardest thing to do but you should listen to dyermaker. If you have to fight to keep him with you then he doesn't really want to be there. You can't hold on forever. Remember that a good relationship is one where niether person is fighting to keep the other one in it. Be strong! And what ever happens will be for the best. Not the easiest words to live by but it is the truth. I know i am also living through the same situation as yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Originally posted by hbchick do you think this is just a phase hes going through and will realize how good we were together? Absolutely not! I think he may have met someone else. And yes, you are right; if you start hounding him, it could possible push him away. Continue to let him have his space, but at the same time, focus on yourself. Pick up a new hobby or do some volunteer work; find that lifelong inner passion to take your mind off of things. Best of luck to you! ~Vivid Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 What do you mean by taking a break? Everything depends on how that phrase has been explained by him. If he means that you see each other less frequently but are still monogomous, that's one thing. If he's interested in seeing other people during that time, that's another altogether. I'll talk about scenario #2 first. If your bf just wanted more time to hang out with the guys, that would be one thing. But you two wouldn't have to "go on a break" for that to happen. He's asking for freedom to be single, with the possibility that you'll become a couple again at some future date. He's breaking up without the ugliness of taking responsibility for breaking up. Boo on him. In this case, I think you need to get a little more self-respect. You're worth more than this; you deserve better. You can't stop him from taking a break from what you two have shared. You can tell him that you're willing to break up if that's what he wants. You're doing it with regret, and you can't guarantee you'll be around later if and when he does come back. You'll be having fun with your friends and looking around, too. I wouldn't play up the jealousy angle too much -- you don't want to seem easy. But I'd make it plain that you aren't going to be sitting on your hands waiting for him to come back to his senses. A man in love does not behave like this. He doesn't want a break to see other people. If he tells you that this isn't what this is about, he's full of it. Now, back to scenario #1. If your guy is still very attentive, loving, but wants more time to himself, why not? No need to be joined at the hip. However, you shoudn't feel like he's dropped off the face of the earth. He should still be contact you, responding to your contacts, and treating you in such a way that makes him seem steady and interested. If he starts playing some push and pull game, where you begin to go crazy with fear / jealous worry, it's time to rethink being with him. --uriel Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Taking a break often means breaking up. It hurts, and the first couple weeks or months aren't easy, but you will be able to look back and understand breaking up was the best thing to do. Don't wait in hopes that your ex will come back--don't put your life on hold for something that probably won't occur. And even if, months or a year from now, he does want to have another relationship with you, you may have already moved on and won't feel the same way about him. Spend more time with friends and family, take on a new hobby or interest. You will eventually find someone else who truly wants to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hbchick Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 thank you guys for all your comments!! well im now even more confused then ever. last night he called me asking if i wanted to go to his grandparents BBQ because it was one of their birthdays and well of course i went. We had so much fun just like the old days. i already know all of his family and they were all happy to see me again and so was i. when everone left we went swimming in their swimming pool and we were acting just as if we were back together. he mentioned some how that this break doesnt mean will be broken up forever. i know he still cares about me a lot i just dont understand why we cant be together. whats the point of a break? if he does what to go have fun with his friends and all i'd be glad to let him i just hate having to wait around not knowing what hes doing. im afraid he will have a lot of fun with his friends and realize he doesnt want a relationship. after all this should i still not call, liek should i just wait? or should i at least call a little bit so he doesnt get over me? i dont know what hes thinking about all this and its so confusing and its messing with my head! Link to post Share on other sites
Sahmee Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Hello everyone. I am new to this board, and I appreciate the advice that I am finding on here. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months when he stated that he wasn't sure of what he wanted - whether he wanted to be with me or find a young woman - I am 38-years-old, and he is 43-years-old. Before his indecision happened, we had a very strong, happy relationship, or at least I thought so until this happened. I have been working on letting things go and trying to be in acceptance, not calling and nagging or anything ridiculous like that. Letting him have his space. His behavior, of course, has changed since this has happened as he is cool and distant towards me. But I am hurting, and I am not sure what I need to be doing. I am working on my self-esteem and trying to regain feeling good about myself in light of this situation. I journal and do lots of reading on confidence. However, all of my friends are married or otherwise committed, and I do not have other single women to talk to about this, which is why I have come to post on the board. I really feel lonely and frustrated. Thank you for reading my message, and I look forward to getting some feedback on other things I can do to get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I don't think you should call him, hbchick. He won't forget about you if he really cares. Give him time to miss you and wonder what YOU are doing. Be sure to go out with YOUR friends and have fun. The so-called break has already got him wondering if he can still connect with you -- thus, the bbq invite. If the break includes seeing other people, and you ought to get clarification on that next time you talk, then I'd say you shouldn't accept all of his invitations, either. No fair his asking for a separation and then getting close when it's convenient for him. That takes your dignity / power / respect away. --uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Becks84 Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I am not a fan of this whole "break" idea, at least in your case. THere is no reason you two can't do more things without each other and be with your friends more while still dating. Have you said this to him? Have you told him you guys can work this out, whatever he needs to be happier with himself in the relationship? A couple should bring out the best in each other, complement each other, make one another stronger. You shouldnt be in a relationship to become fully dependent on another. This will almost always make a relationship end because one of you will realize you want space, want your individuality back. It is not healthy to not do your own thing and be your own person. I believe he really cares for you and is uncertain about what he is doing. He seems confused; wants you there, then doesn't. THis is not fair to you. He will keep dragging you along for as long as you allow it. Step up and tell him how you feel about all of this if you havent already. If you have, thats all you can do for now. Don't nag at him, don't "sweat" him. You're right, it will only push him away. HE needs to realize again what he has with you. He can only realize this on his own, so you have to give him time and while doing so, try and do your own thing, with your friends. I like the ideas people are giving you about taking up a new hobby, being with your family more, etc. Find comfort in other things right now. I dont know if you practice any kind of faith, but if you do, you can find the most comfort in that. Im not saying completely cut off contact from him, but only see him and talk to him so much. Not too much to where it's hurting you. Don't let him have the best of both worlds while you are hurting. This is not in your hands sweetie. Let it work itself out; life has a funny way of doing this. Best of luck to you! You deserve the best. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHeavens Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Sahmee~ I bet you feel awful right now...but I am not sure that you should. If your friend told you that her BF told her he wasn't sure if he wanted her or a "younger" model, would you not be upset? I'd guess that this has nothing to do with your age, or really you, at all. It's been 7 months...he may feel that he has to decide where things are going. It sounds like he's more afraid of a long term committment. I know it's not easy to remember, but you're still the great person you were before this happened. Take good care of yourself right now, and really appreciate yourself. If he wants someone younger and maybe less wise, that's...just silly....and I'd love to see him try to achieve it! :-) Hang in. Link to post Share on other sites
Sahmee Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Originally posted by BlueHeavens ...I know it's not easy to remember, but you're still the great person you were before this happened. Take good care of yourself right now, and really appreciate yourself. If he wants someone younger and maybe less wise, that's...just silly....and I'd love to see him try to achieve it! :-) Hang in. BlueHeavens, thank you for that comment. I had been taking all of this and putting it on myself, like I was somehow the problem, and I am not. Its his problem. I will continue to work on myself, but not like I have been doing because I was examining myself like there was something wrong with me. Yes, I have my problems like everyone else, and I will focus on them, but now I can do so from a different angle. Thanks to everyone for their response, and I will keep you all posted, and I will be reading this board often Link to post Share on other sites
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