gpatb43 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I cheated (twice with the same girl) on the best woman I ever had in my life, and when she discovered it, then lied even though she gave me a chance to be honest to her. I was in sheer panic and magnified my initial unforgiveable act by making another. We were due to become engaged soon, which makes this all the more horrific. This was all about 3 weeks ago. What have I done - entered psychological therapy twice weekly to deal with the 'why' - already, it seems my abusive childhood is at the root of my flaw in not trusting this woman as I should (which led to me straying and lying to her). She made it clear in no uncertain terms we were finished - of course, i can hardly blame her if I was in her shoes. Nevertheless, I am truly heartbroken, devastated, and just trying to cope right now. Lesson 1 to anyone on here who is cheating - step back and consider very carefully what you are risking - I risked and lost everything. Lesson 2 - make sure that your relationship issues are resolved openly - don't push love away and if a therapist can help spot flaws in your character, get them resolved because else, you'll never live the life you can I know I have acted terribly & let the girl of my dreams down, and I have now had to let her go - I am dealing with my problems - but if anyone has any advice to add, either generally or me in the specific, it would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Sazerac Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Nothing more than it is good that you are working on yourself and the issues that led you to cheat. Keep on track with that--hopefully next time you find someone you will have learned and you won't feel compelled to sabotage your relationship and hurt both yourself and an innocent party. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gpatb43 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you - yes I am committed to therapy because I dont want to live my life with that risk in my life again. I am 43 and this has never happened despite 3 very sold relationships which is why its all so confusing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Sometimes life lessons have to be learned painfully. You'll continue to feel the consequences of your actions for awhile, and hopefully that will contribute to your introspection and to changing your ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Harris Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I cheated (twice with the same girl) on the best woman I ever had in my life, and when she discovered it, then lied even though she gave me a chance to be honest to her. I was in sheer panic and magnified my initial unforgiveable act by making another. We were due to become engaged soon, which makes this all the more horrific. This was all about 3 weeks ago. What have I done - entered psychological therapy twice weekly to deal with the 'why' - already, it seems my abusive childhood is at the root of my flaw in not trusting this woman as I should (which led to me straying and lying to her). She made it clear in no uncertain terms we were finished - of course, i can hardly blame her if I was in her shoes. Nevertheless, I am truly heartbroken, devastated, and just trying to cope right now. Lesson 1 to anyone on here who is cheating - step back and consider very carefully what you are risking - I risked and lost everything. Lesson 2 - make sure that your relationship issues are resolved openly - don't push love away and if a therapist can help spot flaws in your character, get them resolved because else, you'll never live the life you can I know I have acted terribly & let the girl of my dreams down, and I have now had to let her go - I am dealing with my problems - but if anyone has any advice to add, either generally or me in the specific, it would be appreciated. Your past issues did not make you cheat. You made yourself cheat, and that is the reason why she decided to rightfully leave, because you're not even fully taking responsibility for what you done. Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Your past issues did not make you cheat. You made yourself cheat, and that is the reason why she decided to rightfully leave, because you're not even fully taking responsibility for what you done. Thank God someone said it. I'm SO freakin' sick of everyone trying to slap a big, fat psychological label on what's really NO MORE than dumbass behavior. OWN YOUR SHI*T. Jeez, I'm surprised the therapist didn't play that old classic "you're a sex addict and you need rehab" card like most men claim when they get caught with their pants down. You notice WOMEN never use that ridiculous excuse about being a sex addict when they're caught cheating? Sometimes, men just think with their d*cks. No more, no less. If you want to hide behind some ridiculous excuse about abusive childhood/abandonment issues, then go right ahead. But it's rather amusing that you've already had 3 longterm relationships and didn't cheat on THOSE women. Now, suddenly, this abusive childhood is wreaking havoc? Please. Link to post Share on other sites
Gypsea Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I dont understand why some people have to be so mean....He knows its his fault and he is trying to correct it.....Do you people have ice water in your veins????? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Harris Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I dont understand why some people have to be so mean....He knows its his fault and he is trying to correct it.....Do you people have ice water in your veins????? We're not being mean, it's called stating the obvious. And if he really wants to correct himself, he needs to own what he's done. Link to post Share on other sites
Gypsea Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I understood that to be what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Harris Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I understood that to be what he is doing. Not entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gpatb43 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 I do want to take a moment to thank you all for the feedback - I did not expect sympathy and sonetimes, harsh words are better than support. The psychological flaw isn't the reason I cheated I agree - it is the reason I had trust issues throughout this and other relationships which I need to tackle. Why did I cheat? You said it all - because I was a dumb ass who failed to exercise self control when needed. I have been taught a very hard lesson - that pain continues because the woman I loved didn't deserve this, and is hurting very badly. Of course there is nothing I can do to remove the pain other than do what I have done - say I am sorry - and remove myself from her life so she can hopefully heal and move on without me in her life. I wish I could do more for her but I don't know what else to do. As for me, therapy continues, and salvation will be slow. Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I cheated (twice with the same girl) on the best woman I ever had in my life, and when she discovered it, then lied even though she gave me a chance to be honest to her. I was in sheer panic and magnified my initial unforgiveable act by making another. We were due to become engaged soon, which makes this all the more horrific. This was all about 3 weeks ago. What have I done - entered psychological therapy twice weekly to deal with the 'why' - already, it seems my abusive childhood is at the root of my flaw in not trusting this woman as I should (which led to me straying and lying to her). She made it clear in no uncertain terms we were finished - of course, i can hardly blame her if I was in her shoes. Nevertheless, I am truly heartbroken, devastated, and just trying to cope right now. Lesson 1 to anyone on here who is cheating - step back and consider very carefully what you are risking - I risked and lost everything. Lesson 2 - make sure that your relationship issues are resolved openly - don't push love away and if a therapist can help spot flaws in your character, get them resolved because else, you'll never live the life you can I know I have acted terribly & let the girl of my dreams down, and I have now had to let her go - I am dealing with my problems - but if anyone has any advice to add, either generally or me in the specific, it would be appreciated. No offense mate but you knew it was wrong and you still did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gpatb43 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 No offense mate but you knew it was wrong and you still did it. Yes I know. But admitting it now is the easy part. Addressing it so it doesn't happen again (if I ever meet someone again) is the hard part I guess - exercising self control, respect, dignity, etc is key and so I am trying to understand (perhaps from others who have cheated but who have worked through this) the root of this flaw. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gpatb43 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 Can I ask another question please - she has now told me 3 times in the space of the last 3 weeks that this is over, that we cannot be friends, and each time their is a finality to her message - "goodbye" etc. And then a few days later I will get an email, some are angry (lashing out), some are touching (remembering the great things we had). I read on this site about NC as a good way for her to heal, me to heal, and I truly respect her decision much as it has devastated me. So my question is - should I not respond to her emails (I am not suggesting they will continue - just asking in case another arrives), or should I? For me its prolonging the agony because every email reminds me what I have lost and prevents me really trying to work through my emotions (& of course it sets me back in therapy). I don't know how to handle this for my or her benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 It's up to you as to whether or not you want to go NC. If you do decide to go with this route, send her one last message detailing your feelings and intentions, so she knows your plan...then completely cut off contact. Hard part is sticking to NC in the long term. Since you are trying to improve your self control, you may find that NC is a good way to test yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gpatb43 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 I laid out in a letter she will get today, that this was my fault and nothing she did could have made a difference, that I am going to put the hard work in to become a better man, and I reminded her ultimately, we want the same things in life. I am now going to go NC because I think (having read many many threads on this board over the last week) that it is only in this way that she (and I) can move on, no matter what that means in terms outcome. As you said, a good exercise for me in self control because I know she needs to heal without me. Link to post Share on other sites
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