his lack of a past is a bit of a turnoff

[Tailspin]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. Everything has been great, at first he was somewhat shy and reserved but then he opened up and became more outgoing. Yesterday he revealed to me that I was his first girlfriend, first girl he ever kissed, first girl he did anything with. I’m really confused now. I mean what kind of guy doesn’t date at all until they’re 25? I mean he’s good looking, in shape, smart, funny, has his own place…he is a really good guy. Still though his inexperience is really giving me second thoughts. Am I wrong for feeling really turned off by this or thinking it’s a huge red flag?

[vsmini]

You should give him a chance but I understand what you are saying.

I had the not-so-great luck of being a first girlfriend for the past 2 guys I've dated. It's kind of hard because you feel like you have to teach them the ropes and after it ends you feel like one big experiment to them.

 

But you can learn from them too of course - and once I was someone's first girlfriend and they were my first boyfriend.

 

I think it's pretty common for people in their young to mid-twenties and there might be some more frustrations in your relationship because of it. It's tough learning what a relationship is and because I've been in 4....now in my 5th - I've learned a lot and can apply it to a healthy relationship now.

 

So I wouldn't bail on him but be patient and see if he's someone worth hanging onto.

[Tailspin]

Thanks for the responses. I don't want to be an experiment and I don't want him to date me because I'm the first girl to show him any interest either. I don't know, I guess I'm just having trouble getting my mind around a perfectly good catch not being "caught" until now.

[TooAccepting32]

I dated a 37 year old who had divorced his his high school sweetheart after 20 years of marriage. I was the second woman he kissed.

 

Admittedly it was a little strange and yes I felt like an experiment. I didn't feel like it was likely to last because he hadn't had enough info about what was out there to know if I was what he really wanted, and it didn't last.

 

That being said, some people are just not that interested in knowing what's out there. They grow attached and that's it.

 

In terms of having to teach him things... well there's the internet and friends etc.. he can do some of this research on his own. Otherwise it can be kind of fun experiencing things together for his first time.

[Cee]

Try to weather out any insecurities you have. He would not be with you if he didn't love you. Nobody sticks it out for 6 months unless there's something real there.

 

He's probably had opportunities for hook ups and one night stands. The fact that he's 25 with his own place shows he's focused on career and independence. And he's in good shape which shows he's athletic and active. A lot of people his age are living at home or with roommates.

 

My BF lacks dating experience. He's 24 and was single for 3 years when I met him. He doesn't have a lot of experience. He's a little shy with women and isn't much of a flirt, but there's nothing wrong with him. In fact, he's a major catch. And I consider myself so lucky that he asked me out.

[TooAccepting32]

Thanks for the responses. I don't want to be an experiment and I don't want him to date me because I'm the first girl to show him any interest either. I don't know, I guess I'm just having trouble getting my mind around a perfectly good catch not being "caught" until now.

 

Um yea, that would concern me too.

I hate to ask, but what any possibility he's homosexual? Not that I think this means that... while we're looking for answers I thought I would ask. Is he really shy?

 

Has he been doing a PHD or something?? I've known some otherwise normal guys who have just been tied up with getting degrees.

 

 

You see, for me it would have to add up somehow in a logical way before I could feel like it's not a warning sign.

Edited June 16, 2011 by TooAccepting32

[Tailspin]

Um yea, that would concern me too.

I hate to ask, but what any possibility he's homosexual?

 

Has he been doing a PHD or something?? I've known some otherwise normal guys who have just been tied up with getting degrees.

 

 

You see, for me it would have to add up somehow in a logical way before I could feel like it's not a warning sign.

 

I don't think he's gay, but there's a lot of people you'd never expect to be...even married people who turned out to be gay.

 

No Ph.D. He has a bachelor's degree and intends to go to grad school in the fall.

 

I probably just have some insecurities that I need to get over. I guess I just thought most "normal" people at least go on a few dates by the time they're in their mid-twenties.

[TooAccepting32]

is this the only thing causing you concern? Is there anything else that's contributing to that to give you a strange feeling?

[Tailspin]

is this the only thing causing you concern? Is there anything else that's contributing to that to give you a strange feeling?

 

Pretty much. I guess it's just a new/scary feeling dating this type of guy so I can't help but be concerned. None of my friends have any experience dating an inexperienced guy so they haven't really been able to help me understand it either.

[Mrlonelyone]

What you describe sounds more like someone who could possibly be Assexual not homosexual. Even "gay" men have a little experience with women.

 

The scale which scientist use to measure a degree of homosexuality goes from 0 (100% exclusively straight) to 6(100% exclusively gay). Most "gay" men would measure a 5 having some hetero experience or interest here and there. Most "straight" men would measure a 1 having some gay experience or interest here and there.

 

To be honest I think the important thing is you have had a good 6 months in which nothing was wrong. He's not changed and he witheld that info because you would have judged him based on it alone. Judged him wrong too. So just relax and feel lucky that you have a man who won't give you herpes or something.

[conehead]

You should give him a chance but I understand what you are saying.

I had the not-so-great luck of being a first girlfriend for the past 2 guys I've dated. It's kind of hard because you feel like you have to teach them the ropes and after it ends you feel like one big experiment to them.

 

 

How old were both guys? And also, did they break up with you?

 

What do you mean by you felt like it was one big experiment? I remember you commented on my thread about the 36 year old who never had a gf I dated. I actually told him when I ended things that I feel like I might be just an experiment for him. What a weird coincidence.

[Eeyore79]

I don't see why he's a less desirable boyfriend just because you found out he hasn't had a girlfriend before. It's a huge plus that he hasn't slept around and doesn't have any emotional baggage from exes, etc. Maybe he was just shy and found it difficult to approach girls? Or maybe other girls didn't get a chance to know him, and you're the first one who was smart enough to see what a great catch he is.

 

Think of it this way: He could have slept around but instead he chose to wait until he met someone special. That someone special is you. He chose you out of all the available girls, after having waited years to find a girl he really liked. That's pretty flattering.

[Queen Zenobia]

I don't see why he's a less desirable boyfriend just because you found out he hasn't had a girlfriend before. It's a huge plus that he hasn't slept around and doesn't have any emotional baggage from exes, etc. Maybe he was just shy and found it difficult to approach girls? Or maybe other girls didn't get a chance to know him, and you're the first one who was smart enough to see what a great catch he is.

 

Think of it this way: He could have slept around but instead he chose to wait until he met someone special. That someone special is you. He chose you out of all the available girls, after having waited years to find a girl he really liked. That's pretty flattering.

 

It sounds like he just wasn't good at attracting women or pursuing them, not because he was waiting for someone special.

 

To be honest I'd be wary about starting a relationship with a guy who's never dated before. The key here though is that the OP's guy waited 6 months before revealing that info which kind of changes things.

[tigressA]

I'll go ahead and say anyone who is so turned-off by someone lacking dating experience and/or rushing to the conclusion that there's something wrong with them is waving a red flag. Sex and dating is not the end-all-be-all for everyone as soon as puberty hits. This guy's accomplished more than many other twentysomethings at his age, so going on dates and getting laid were not particularly high on his list of priorities until recently. I say good for him. Perhaps if more people were like this before entering relationships not as many of them would fail.

[cerridwen]

I'll go ahead and say anyone who is so turned-off by someone lacking dating experience and/or rushing to the conclusion that there's something wrong with them is waving a red flag. Sex and dating is not the end-all-be-all for everyone as soon as puberty hits. This guy's accomplished more than many other twentysomethings at his age, so going on dates and getting laid were not particularly high on his list of priorities until recently. I say good for him. Perhaps if more people were like this before entering relationships not as many of them would fail.

 

Ayyyyyy MEN! Thank you, tigressA.

 

A guy can't win for losin'. Sh*t.

[Cee]

Sex and dating is not the end-all-be-all for everyone as soon as puberty hits. This guy's accomplished more than many other twentysomethings at his age, so going on dates and getting laid were not particularly high on his list of priorities until recently. I say good for him. Perhaps if more people were like this before entering relationships not as many of them would fail.

 

Slow clap for TigressA. And also for this man.

[Queen Zenobia]

You should totally dump him, look for someone that is or has been around with multiple ladies and has had sexual experiences with almost every woman he knows, you are totally a great catch with your kind of thinking, you deserve a chick magnet, not a decent, sensible man. Also, he must be a gay faggot, what sort of a fellow remains like him having achieved a degree, having a house and career, real men play around with multiple women, and end up being broke after all, right? :rolleyes:

 

That's a little harsh don't you think?

[tigressA]

You have a good guy on your hands, OP. Don't mess it up by being concerned about something that has proven to be completely irrelevant to who he is. I dated a guy like this once, but he was younger at 21. He was a virgin and didn't disclose it until months later, but there was nothing wrong with him. He was a good man who respected me and treated me very well. It didn't work out for other reasons, but if things had been different I hope I would have recognized what a gem I had in him and never let him go.

[Queen Zenobia]

She asked for it, don't you think? I mean, after 6 months, you suddenly have this realization that this guy isn't for you just because he didn't happen to go and play around with every chick that he saw around himself, I see which way this relationship is going, she will be the one that's going to dump him because of the simple fact that she's his first GF, wow, what a charmed world we live in, no wonder dating American women these days is so ***d up.

 

Well I think it's natural for people who have dated to be somewhat taken aback by someone who hasn't. Like it or not most people have dated by the time they're in their 20s so when you meet someone who hasn't it is a little weird.

 

I hope OP doesn't break up with this guy because of his inexperience but, I think it's normal to question this type of thing.

[tigressA]

And pray, what were those other reasons, was that simply for the fact that he was a virgin at that time?

 

No, it was not. Note that I said "other" reasons, none of which I am going to get into as this is not my thread.

[Eeyore79]

To be honest I'd be wary about starting a relationship with a guy who's never dated before.

Can I ask why it matters if he hasn't dated before?I don't really understand why some people see it as a problem - it probably just means he's shy. I personally don't see anything wrong with someone not having dated before, as long as he's open to having a relationship with me.

[Queen Zenobia]

Can I ask why it matters if he hasn't dated before?I don't really understand why some people see it as a problem - it probably just means he's shy. I personally don't see anything wrong with someone not having dated before, as long as he's open to having a relationship with me.

 

Obviously it depends on the person/situation but generally guys who have had trouble finding dates (not guys who voluntarily abstained) have confidence issues, hang ups about dating and sex and other things that guys who have dated don't have. I want to know if the guy I'm dating is dating me because he's attracted to me and likes me, not because I'm the first girl to be interested in him.

 

And I said I'd be wary of dating a guy who has never dated before (at 25) not that I would completely write them off. Truth be told my fiance only went on a handful of dates before we started dating. Of course we were both younger than 25 so that might have made things different.

[Sanman]

I think the OP should dump the guy. That way, the next woman who likes him can enjoy all the pleasures of a wonderful man and sleep comfortably knowing that he has 'a history' thanks to his experiences with the OP. The only person that will complaining is the OP, who can't find another good guy.

[Dust]

OP have you guys had sex? I’m guessing you guys didn’t go all the way yet. He really should have kept his virginity to himself. I feel like virgin men often can make a woman feel like some “teacher” which is the last thing you want to do.

 

I was 22 when I lost my virginity and out of college. I felt the need to be deceptive to the point of denying I was a virgin when flat out asked after we were done having sex. I think it worked in my favor.

 

To the guys reading this who are older virgins nothing good can come of disclosing that fact. Don’t expect a teacher or helper in bed. You can ask the girl to help you into her but that’s normal for even experienced guys.

[Cracker Jack]

Topics like this show that you can't be straightforward with everyone nowadays. I'm inexperienced in the relationship area at 23, so I know that would be a turn-off to a lot of woman.