his lack of a past is a bit of a turnoff

[Queen Zenobia]

If every woman thought like you, then this guy would never get anywhere....it's like trying to get your first job/credit without having any experience or credit.

 

People who think like you just make the issue worse actually...you perpetuate it.

 

Perhaps you missed the part where I said my fiance was inexperienced when we first started dating. I expressed hesitancy, not that I would totally dismiss someone.

[Feelsgoodman]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. Everything has been great, at first he was somewhat shy and reserved but then he opened up and became more outgoing. Yesterday he revealed to me that I was his first girlfriend, first girl he ever kissed, first girl he did anything with. I’m really confused now. I mean what kind of guy doesn’t date at all until they’re 25? I mean he’s good looking, in shape, smart, funny, has his own place…he is a really good guy. Still though his inexperience is really giving me second thoughts. Am I wrong for feeling really turned off by this or thinking it’s a huge red flag?

This has got to be the dumbest reason for being "turned off". You should be happy that you found someone who has no ex issues, no emotional baggage from previous relationships, and is not jaded as a consequence of being repeatedly burned by women in the past. It's like being upset that you got a brand new car instead old an old, rusted out clunker.

[grkBoy]

I think the problem is people who want those with experience are now backing themselves into a corner.

 

I know some don't get into or believe in the "80-20 rule", but if we think about that SOME guys are easily getting laid while others aren't...then you end up with a society like where we're at now. You meet some guys who seem to get loads of sex, but yet they won't commit or be faithful...and then you have guys who have little to none, and women fear trying them out.

 

Let's face it, we were all virgins once, and that first few times can be daunting, strange, and more awkward than fun. We all learned though, and thus things get better. I'll speak from experience that EVERY new woman I've been with in a RL was like being a virgin again. The first few times come off awkward, but eventually things slide into place. Expecting mindblowing sex right off the bat is unrealistic unless you want to jump into bed with someone who's been around a bit too much.

 

Good men come in two forms...the guys with experience get snatched up and married off. The guys who get rejected like crazy and/or prioritized other things in their youth are still good men, but they have to fight past womens' insecurities to get to home plate.

 

Maybe this guy was a dorky outcast that women went "EWWW" at in the past, but he learned to dress better, walk and talk better, hit the gym, built a career, etc...and now the very women who would pass him up are looking his way.

 

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If he's a good man then stay with him rather than go through the hell of playas and liars to find another possible good man. Have those few awkward moments and BOTH of you build up to the mindblowing sex.

 

Relationships are about two people...not one giving and the other taking.

[rafallus]

To put it another way the first time I kissed a guy I was 15. I felt all kinds of jitters and nervousness. I can’t imagine feeling that way at 25 or 30.

I had my first kiss several years later, already in my 20s. I had none of that.

 

Why ball started rolling so late?

Complete (and, at times, simply baffling) inability to make any sort of physical advances prior to that. Which is also why I'm mentioning it so often. In retrospect I was able to attract girls on fairly regular basis, but I had no goddamned idea what next. Well, sure it's good I can speak in past tense...

 

Not sure about your guy, but if he managed to attract you and get the ball rolling for himself, then it shouldn't be a problem at all.

[irc333]

Perhaps you missed the part where I said my fiance was inexperienced when we first started dating. I expressed hesitancy, not that I would totally dismiss someone.

 

Okay, I do apologize then QZ....but there are women (a lot of them) that have this mindset though.

 

I just can't figure out why they would not be honored.

[irc333]

Right, there are some people that are just shy to approach women.

 

Some people didn't even have a date to the PROM in Highschool, nor did they go to the prom, yet people got their experience at a hotel just AFTER the prom.

 

Soemtimes this shyness or ability to approach women carried on further into college.

 

In some cases, the lack of quality single people also might've been an issue as well, so they didn't want to hop into bed with a wack job or something lol

 

 

I had my first kiss several years later, already in my 20s. I had none of that.

 

Why ball started rolling so late?

Complete (and, at times, simply baffling) inability to make any sort of physical advances prior to that. Which is also why I'm mentioning it so often. In retrospect I was able to attract girls on fairly regular basis, but I had no goddamned idea what next. Well, sure it's good I can speak in past tense...

 

Not sure about your guy, but if he managed to attract you and get the ball rolling for himself, then it shouldn't be a problem at all.

[Queen Zenobia]

Okay, I do apologize then QZ....but there are women (a lot of them) that have this mindset though.

 

I just can't figure out why they would not be honored.

 

Honestly, it's because people by nature do not believe in things that are too good to be true. Everyone believes there's a catch. They don't see a great guy who just happens to be inexperienced, they see all the possible negatives (he'll be clingy, he's unsure about himself, he might not be good at sex, etc.). Whether these things are true or not often doesn't matter.

[rafallus]

Right, there are some people that are just shy to approach women.

 

Some people didn't even have a date to the PROM in Highschool, nor did they go to the prom, yet people got their experience at a hotel just AFTER the prom.

 

Soemtimes this shyness or ability to approach women carried on further into college.

 

In some cases, the lack of quality single people also might've been an issue as well, so they didn't want to hop into bed with a wack job or something lol

 

Nope, it wasn't shyness. I wasn't THAT shy, I just had no clue at all. It was like a girl was throwing herself at me and all going in my head was "crap, what to do now?". Then, at one point, I just went caveman on the girl. And it worked. Then it worked again on another. And again...

[Sanman]

The area of concern is that he'd be dating someone out of desperation not out of general interest. If you have options, you'd also want someone who has options.

 

See I have heard this line many times before and it is fallacious thinking. Anyone who has ever been in a rebound relationship or jumped from person to person is also dating out of desperation. Would you rather have someone who is hung up on someone else of just happy to have you in their life? The truth is that just knowing the number of partners tells you very little about a person's motives, interest in you, or relationship skills.

 

GrkBpy, you had a number of poignant things to say and I agree with most of them. I do agree that a smaller minority of guys get most of the female attention. I often go out with a large mixed group friends (40+), but only a few of us get the women's attention. Those that do are all at least in average shape, outgoing, and at least 6' tall. Bonus points for having all of your hair and being a white guy. However, I don't think that there are only two types of good guys. People change at all different times and in all different ways. I was a bit of a late bloomer as well. I was a dork in HS and in college I came out my shell, was more fun, and became a gym rat who went from beer belly to six pack in my four years. I'm sure the girls I got at 21 may have wondered the same thing about me had they known. The truth is that I was the same good man that I always had been. I just come in nicer packaging now.

[grkBoy]

Sorry...I think it would show poor character.

 

It's like I said, much of the world today is either picking someone less experienced, or someone with too much experience.

 

The "just right" ones are all taken. Is it any wonder why some men and women only pursue "taken" people over single people?

[grkBoy]

However, I don't think that there are only two types of good guys.

 

My point was for all the women who keep complaining that there aren't any "decent men" out there, they need to decide if it's really that important that he have experience. If a woman is seeking commitment, love, respect, etc...I've only seen it come from the "good men".

 

Some have that "right amount" of experience that women want, but 19 out of 20 times he's married, taken, etc. Others may not have enough "experience" to satisfy said woman. I didn't mention the guys who have slept around a lot because based on complaints I hear out of women, those guys might not be "evil", but they don't want to commit or be faithful, thus they're not "good men" (defining that as a man who treats women right AND will commit to a RL)

 

 

I was a bit of a late bloomer as well. I was a dork in HS and in college I came out my shell, was more fun, and became a gym rat who went from beer belly to six pack in my four years. I'm sure the girls I got at 21 may have wondered the same thing about me had they known. The truth is that I was the same good man that I always had been. I just come in nicer packaging now.

 

Well, yeah...that's my story too.

 

I went from the guy women were "blah" about to being the guy they wish was single. I think part of it was improving my personal appearance and career, but I also think that the women now are looking for longer-term men. The hot bartenders and socialite guys they lusted for won't marry them, so they're seeking out guys who want the long-term thing.

 

Things change, but my point still stands that unless a woman has loads of VIABLE OPTIONS (good men who want what she wants), then she shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Have the awkward sex, let that time pass, things will get better.

 

With the amount of women who complain endlessly on how every guy they meet is a "horny man-child", one should not be so quick to toss away one who has 80-90% of what she wants in a man (physically and mentally).

[welikeincrowds]

Taking someone's virginity is unnerving rather than special? Are you joking?

 

Sure, it can be a special unique flower moment. Or, it can be too much pressure. For people who feel the latter, not knowing ahead of time only makes the situation worse.

 

You compare being a virgin with termination from a job. Then you compare it to living with someone's parents and finally go go all out and compare it to being a felon. :rolleyes:

 

Then you say he is not really a criminal after you compared it to criminal behavior. You can't have it both ways.

 

There were no false pretenses and his only mistake was telling her at all. He's screwed now and not in a good way.

 

I explained in detail the flaws of the analogy and what I did not mean to imply by the comparisons. No, I don't think being a virgin is like being a criminal, and if it ever does feel that way, then I think that's too bad. Beyond that, I don't know what else I'm supposed to tell you.

 

What all those things had in common is that they are factors that may inform whether or not someone wants to date you -- factors which, despite having "nothing to do with the relationship", could very well impact it (or not). My personal views on what it means to be a virgin at __ years old don't apply here, and I have made a point not to discuss it.

 

I don't want to get bogged down in the semantics or finer details of my argument. My point is that there is some rationale behind her emotional response, and that she should not be thrown under the bus for it, as some posters here were quick to do. (I can also understand why they did, because this is a controversial subject -- which is also part of my argument.)

 

I am also not saying that he was evil, or that she should break up with him. He made choices, that had consequences, which were easily foreseen. Hopefully it all works out, and I'm sure it will. But I hold that as to the cause of these feelings, they both made decisions to get to where they are now, and thus there is responsibility to be taken by the both of them.

[Afishwithabike]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. Everything has been great, at first he was somewhat shy and reserved but then he opened up and became more outgoing. Yesterday he revealed to me that I was his first girlfriend, first girl he ever kissed, first girl he did anything with. I’m really confused now. I mean what kind of guy doesn’t date at all until they’re 25? I mean he’s good looking, in shape, smart, funny, has his own place…he is a really good guy. Still though his inexperience is really giving me second thoughts. Am I wrong for feeling really turned off by this or thinking it’s a huge red flag?

 

He sounds like a great guy. A catch. Look at all the other posts on this board about the losers other women date or live with. Your only concern is his lack of experience? Consider yourself lucky.

 

I don't see anything in your post that would stop me from dating him if I were still single.

 

I think if you broke up with him for the reason that he doesn't have a past, you're at some point going to regret it so much. If he's that great, I'm sure he can find other women who would be eager to have a good-looking, smart, funny, fit, kind man in their lives.

[irc333]

With the amount of women who complain endlessly on how every guy they meet is a "horny man-child", one should not be so quick to toss away one who has 80-90% of what she wants in a man (physically and mentally).

 

Agreed, yeah I get a kick out of these women, even that have boyfriends that CHEAT on them with other women, and bring diseases back to them...and even TAKE the cheater back....and then they get wierded out by a guy that is not as experienced as the player? LOL

 

Seems the player is more appealing to the woman than the more viable option.

[Eclypse]

Anyone else find it ironic that this thread is up at the sane time as the "once slut, always a slut" thread?

[Dust]

Is he still a virgin?

[ProjekctionMan]

I am a 28 year old virgin who has never kissed a girl, and my problem is shyness. I've had plenty of girls go after me, but haven't sealed the deal.

 

I suppose to the OP, I'm a freak. Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

[ProjekctionMan]

OP, read this:

 

http://advice.eharmony.com/about-you/physical-chemistry/when-youre-the-real-40yearold-virgin

[chuckles11]

Honestly OP, if it bothers you that much, breaking up with him will be a win- win. You don't have to worry about dating someone who other people find undesirable or worry that he is going to leave you when he starts wondering what else is out there, and he doesn't have to lie anymore when he is asked about his previous relationships.

[mysteriousbox]

I have to bite being a 25yo virgin. I guess what ever floats your boat and makes you happy. My personal experience has been that openly stating that I'm a virgin is not a turn-off but a massive turn-on. I just can't get enough teflon to get rid of them chicks.

 

Why am I a virgin? I guess just circumstances. I was bullied a lot by girls until the end of junior high (funny how they came around in high school but I just wasn't interested by then) so I didn't exactly trust them. Plus I was an elite athlete (50+ hours a week of sport outside of school) so I never had time.

 

If that makes me a criminal oh well, I'm laughing all the way to the bank. My career is on track, I'm almost done a professional designation that most people don't complete until their mid 30s and I'm going back to an Ivy league business school to do a dual masters in a year's time. Plus I've got my own place, no debts and lots of savings so I'm set for life.

[phineas]

Honestly OP, if it bothers you that much, breaking up with him will be a win- win. You don't have to worry about dating someone who other people find undesirable or worry that he is going to leave you when he starts wondering what else is out there, and he doesn't have to lie anymore when he is asked about his previous relationships.

 

It's win/win for him also if she breaks up with him. He not only gets to walk away from the train wreck that is the OP, he can do it with a swagger.

 

The chances of any "relationship" for people OP's going the distance these days is very slim.

[Queen Zenobia]

If he was dating someone only out of desperation there's no way he'd enjoy being with her for one month let alone 6 months. Why would I care how many options the other person has? Is there some rule that the number of options have to match? I'd care about who she is whether I was the only one who wanter her or all the whole male population of the city wanted her.

 

What is this "healthy amount" of experience? What is so bad about a 25 or even a 30 year old who doesn't have any? Are they bad people? The OP's boyfriend did nothing wrong and now his relationship is in trouble. It's no surprise that some people were harsh. There's just as many being harsh to the OP's boyfriend.

 

For the record, I never advocated that the OP break up with her boyfriend. However, I do think it's normal for her to feel the way she does. It's somewhat of a shocking revelation.

 

Now, to me a healthy amount of experience is somewhat subjective. What I would find "normal" is for most people to have had at least a semi-serious relationship by the time they were 25 or 30. Inexperienced people are not "bad" it's just tough for experienced people to get their minds around the fact that someone can be inexperienced and not be some kind of hermit.

 

When I started dating my guy we had so much fun together that I never really though to ask him about his past. When I finally did learn that I was his first girlfriend it didn't really phase me because 1) we were both young and it wasn't all that surprising and 2) I saw what kind of guy he was and didn't really care that he was inexperienced. Maybe if I was older and a little more experienced myself it might have been different but I really don't know. I also had the added benefit of coming from a semi-traditional Arab family where you're taught to value certain things in men (none of them being their past experiences). So, I really didn't "walk the walk" so to speak.

[AD1980]

Im 31 and never been in a relationship im just really shy fear rejection and am insecure about my attractiveness level to women..

 

I know i have issues with that but also know i have allot to give but apparently my lack of expereince means im a pariah and should just stay away from the dating market which is what ill probably continue to do..

[forrest]

The area of concern is that he'd be dating someone out of desperation not out of general interest. If you have options, you'd also want someone who has options.

 

If you have options, then you are more likely to leave for those options when the relationship hits a speed bump. You don't need to dedicate yourself to fixing the problems within the R, you can just move on to your other options. And when it comes to cheating, I think it is more likely to happen if you do have other options.

[BetheButterfly]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. Everything has been great, at first he was somewhat shy and reserved but then he opened up and became more outgoing. Yesterday he revealed to me that I was his first girlfriend, first girl he ever kissed, first girl he did anything with. I’m really confused now. I mean what kind of guy doesn’t date at all until they’re 25? I mean he’s good looking, in shape, smart, funny, has his own place…he is a really good guy. Still though his inexperience is really giving me second thoughts. Am I wrong for feeling really turned off by this or thinking it’s a huge red flag?

 

People are all different. Those who are more different tend to scare those who want everyone to be carbon copies of each other.

 

One of my good friends is 33 and is a virgin. He is marrying his fiance, who is also a virgin, in 2 months and they are out of this world in bliss. He's different than many other men.

 

Why?

 

Cause even though he's incredibly hot, charismatic, and a superb athlete (he's into soccer and extreme sports), he has always had this desire to only be with one woman... like some animal species only have one mate for life. When he found his fiance, he was head over heels and knew she was the one. I don't know their future of course, or any issues that might arise between 2 virgins, but I am confident that they will work everything out and have an awesome life together.

 

Your boyfriend might be like my friend, a highly successful, amazing man who dedicated his life before you "conquering" sports or work or art or music... and when you came along, he "woke up" to life with the woman of his dreams, or he might be a virgin for other reasons. It wouldn't hurt to ask why he's a virgin.