I'm stuck.

[bananarama]

This is eating me up inside. I'm not even sure saying "I'm stuck" is accurate, because honestly I think it's getting worse. I guess I'll start my story....

 

I'm in a serious, long term relationship. This month it will be 7 years.

 

For the first 4 years or so, I would never have ever thought about cheating. He was (still is?) the love of my life. The best part of the day is when he would get home (he worked late hours back then.) We were best friends, lovers, rarely fought. Everything was perfect.

 

Then at some point, and up to now, it's like we're best friends and roommates.

 

We don't have mentally stimulating conversations anymore. We have sex, but there's no passion.

 

I don't know how we got to this.

 

So, in the last year or so I found myself incredibly attracted to a coworker (don't worry, this isn't going where it sounds like.) I fantasized and obsessed about this guy for months. It was all consuming at times. He found another job (I was crushed) and eventually I got over it (thank god.)

 

That was 6 months or so ago.

 

Last month, work sent me away for a week to a conference. While I was there I met someone I knew from home, who was also attending the same conference.

 

We had met only once before, but we got along great, he's funny, thinks I'm smart, etc etc. He has a gf, I have a bf, it was nice to have someone i knew to hang out with while I was away in a new city. So, this is going exactly where it looks like it is.

 

After a few drinks (but, not too many, we were both aware and fine,) he kissed me like I've never been kissed before. The kind of kiss that makes you fall apart inside, like a whirwind, like the whole world had stopped.

 

He stopped, I was stunned, and he said it was "my call." I was still so stunned, and still couldn't believe how amazing that moment was and he kissed me again. We eventually ended up in my hotel room, fooled around, and fell asleep.

 

Things weren't awkward in the morning. He went to his part of the conference, I went to mine. I had planned on a night in to work after the day was over, but he messaged me and we decided to go out for a drink, and well, the same thing happened. And again, it blew my mind and was out of this world. We had sex. The next morning we hung out, had breakfast, and then had to go our separate ways.

 

The next night was the "goodbye party" so everyone got trashed. He came back to my room, and we went to sleep. The next morning we fooled around until I had to leave for my flight.

 

The whole time we were together

[TigerCub]

What's making you feel "stuck"?

 

Neither one of you is married, doesn't sound like there are kids making things more complicated, you both live in the same city from what I understand.

 

So what's the problem?

Get him to dump his gf, you break up with your bf, and you 2 can be together.

 

Seems rather simple actually.

[bananarama]

Sorry here is the rest of the post......... I hit POST by mistake halfway through and it won't let me edit

 

 

The whole time we were together I made a point of not kissing him goodbye in the mornings, or messaging him or anything. Knowing he probably had a gf back home, and that I have a bf, I didn't want it to feel like a relationship in any way. He walked me to the cab, I hopped in and said "see you later," and that was it.

 

We text messaged after we both got home, he talked about how glad he was that things were "back to normal." We had an IM conversation about it that can be basically summed up as "stuff happened, and then everything goes back to normal." Neither of us had done anything like that before.

 

I asked if we could be friends without it being awkward, and we agreed that we could. He is actually a really cool guy and someone I would have a lot of fun with as a friend.

 

We could also have a mutually beneficial working relationship. Without getting into the industry, it's basically I'm selling something that he needs to buy.

So why can't I stop obsessing about him?

 

Honestly, if he wanted a relationship after we got home I wouldn't be interested. I don't want a relationship with him. It would be incredibly complicated. We're at different points in our lives -- I'm not interested in helping someone sort out their life.

 

But, at the same time, I can't say I wouldn't "hook-up" with him again if the opportunity came up.

 

I've invested so much into my current relationship and I want to fix it, but I don't know how. And I can't stop thinking about this guy and I don't know why or what I want or what I'm doing.

 

Please help me.

[Owl]

OK...first off...do you REALLY want to fix your current relationship? REALLY?

 

If I were to tell you that you had to choose, right now, at this instant...to either fix your relationship OR have the option of "hooking up" with this other guy again...but the two were totally and completely exclusive...which do you choose?

 

Right this second...which one did you choose?

[bananarama]

A split second decision...... I'd pick my relationship.

 

I know in my head that I'm idealizing this other guy. I did as much as I could to stop getting to know him while we were fooling around. So I really don't know a whole lot about him, and definitely not enough to be thinking about him as much as I am. But I just can't stop. I can't stop the googling, watching his twitter, etc etc etc.

 

He doesn't fit into my life, even if I was single, it wouldn't be a fit.

 

I just had a nice chat with him on IM, he initiated, but I felt like I was asking all the questions and the convo just fizzled out. Why am I doing this?

 

Maybe I just need time to recover. Maybe my ego is hurt that he was just fine letting things go back to normal?

[Owl]

OK...I asked that question the way I did for a reason.

 

That's because the two relationships...the two choices...ARE mutually exclusive of each other.

 

If you want to fix your relationship...your first step is breaking off any and all contact and interaction with this guy.

 

You CANNOT work towards that goal while maintaining interaction with (or the hope of further interludes with) this other man.

 

I'm a firm believer in taking action towards meeting your goals. Do, or do not, as it says in my signature.

 

Time to do.

[bananarama]

Thanks Owl. I know that you're right.

 

No matter how much I want to stay in contact with this guy (not only because of the chance of hooking up, he is actually really interesting, smart, funny etc.) I know I can't.

 

I've tried to write my own ending to this situation, trying to thing of a way that would make me feel totally OK, but I really don't know what that would be.

 

No matter how I look at it it will always be a failure. Whether it's a failure in the way that we didn't end up together despite the crazy attraction, a failure that I cheated on my solid relationship.

 

I'm so confused and distressed.

[Owl]

You can either live in the past, or learn from it.

 

So...you've got a goal, and you know your first step to take to reach it.

 

Plan on taking that step ASAP, and work out what actually needs to change to improve your existing relationship. What's wrong with it? Where is it not meeting your needs? Identify those things, and then work out plans to correct those things.

 

Start moving forward...it's the best way to heal from the past.

[TurboGirl]

Ok,

 

sorry but I don't see how this is OM/OW... you are only bf & gf! This is small potatoes, sorry not trying to be mean.

 

If you DON'T want to see the guy again, don't. If you do, then go ahead! You are not married!

 

If your 7 year relationship is just ever so solid, why aren't you married? If it is ever so solid, why are you hooking up with this other guy?

 

Sounds like you are not into this guy in the 7 year relationship that you might have outgrown him, or you have gone your separate ways emotionally. Maybe it is time to examine why you are still bf & gf after 7 years and have not taken the next step.

[East7]

What's making you feel "stuck"?

 

Neither one of you is married, doesn't sound like there are kids making things more complicated, you both live in the same city from what I understand.

 

So what's the problem?

Get him to dump his gf, you break up with your bf, and you 2 can be together.

 

Seems rather simple actually.

 

Ok,

 

sorry but I don't see how this is OM/OW... you are only bf & gf! This is small potatoes, sorry not trying to be mean.

 

If you DON'T want to see the guy again, don't. If you do, then go ahead! You are not married!

 

If your 7 year relationship is just ever so solid, why aren't you married? If it is ever so solid, why are you hooking up with this other guy?

 

Sounds like you are not into this guy in the 7 year relationship that you might have outgrown him, or you have gone your separate ways emotionally. Maybe it is time to examine why you are still bf & gf after 7 years and have not taken the next step.

 

 

I agree with both posters.

 

First of all if you are so happy with your current BF how it comes that after 7 years ypu have no plans together...People who are in love are eager to build a family, maybe kids (or not)...at least have a plan together.

 

Second, if there is no marital commitment, like TC says, what is the problem, you can leave over-night without material consequences, I guess.

 

Third, like Owl says, make a choice and stick with it. No choice is the worst choice !

[bananarama]

Ok,

 

sorry but I don't see how this is OM/OW... you are only bf & gf! This is small potatoes, sorry not trying to be mean.

 

If you DON'T want to see the guy again, don't. If you do, then go ahead! You are not married!

 

If your 7 year relationship is just ever so solid, why aren't you married? If it is ever so solid, why are you hooking up with this other guy?

 

Sounds like you are not into this guy in the 7 year relationship that you might have outgrown him, or you have gone your separate ways emotionally. Maybe it is time to examine why you are still bf & gf after 7 years and have not taken the next step.

 

I'm new here, I guess I didn't understand that OM/OW was only for marrieds. If this should be moved I hope a mod will step in and take care of that.

 

I really don't see the point in getting married and have been clear about that for probably 10 years. It sounds like a lot of work for a piece of paper. I think it's possible to be committed just as much without the official signed papers. We've talked about it, he seems not to have an issue with how I feel about getting married. We both don't want kids, but we live together, have a functioning household, a dog, etc etc.

 

I've also given a lot of thought to if we've outgrown each other or just grown apart. And if so, if there's a way to get past that.

[John Michael Kane]

What's making you feel "stuck"?

 

Neither one of you is married, doesn't sound like there are kids making things more complicated, you both live in the same city from what I understand.

 

So what's the problem?

Get him to dump his gf, you break up with your bf, and you 2 can be together.

 

Seems rather simple actually.

 

Oh yea encourage him to keep hurting his girlfriend some more. Yea that's great for everyone.

[John Michael Kane]

Ok,

 

sorry but I don't see how this is OM/OW... you are only bf & gf! This is small potatoes, sorry not trying to be mean.

 

If you DON'T want to see the guy again, don't. If you do, then go ahead! You are not married!

 

If your 7 year relationship is just ever so solid, why aren't you married? If it is ever so solid, why are you hooking up with this other guy?

 

Sounds like you are not into this guy in the 7 year relationship that you might have outgrown him, or you have gone your separate ways emotionally. Maybe it is time to examine why you are still bf & gf after 7 years and have not taken the next step.

 

It's not just "small potatoes" just because a ring isn't on the finger with a marriage license. There are innocent people at stake here.

[denise_xo]

First of all if you are so happy with your current BF how it comes that after 7 years ypu have no plans together...People who are in love are eager to build a family, maybe kids (or not)...at least have a plan together.

 

Second, if there is no marital commitment, like TC says, what is the problem, you can leave over-night without material consequences, I guess.

!

 

I don't want to take this off topic, but I don't see any reason to belittle the OP's problem just because they don't have a piece of paper saying they are officially married. I would never have married had it not been for societal expectations. My feelings and commitment are not invested in a document, they are invested in the feelings and actions of every day life and long terms plans. I don't see why we should treat the level of committed relationship of the OP any different just because they live together without a marriage contract. There is still a very significant problem with potentially very severe consequences. Not having a marriage paper doesn't by default make it any easier to just 'leave over night'.

 

OP, I hope you figure it out, good luck.

[Darren Steez]

It's not just "small potatoes" just because a ring isn't on the finger with a marriage license. There are innocent people at stake here.

 

Agreed, poor sod doesnt know his girlfriend was knobbing some guy and enjoying it while she called him and made out everything is ok. What exactly does this girl want to "fix"? She'd bang the other guy in a heartbeat

[East7]

I don't want to take this off topic, but I don't see any reason to belittle the OP's problem just because they don't have a piece of paper saying they are officially married. I would never have married had it not been for societal expectations. My feelings and commitment are not invested in a document, they are invested in the feelings and actions of every day life and long terms plans. I don't see why we should treat the level of committed relationship of the OP any different just because they live together without a marriage contract. There is still a very significant problem with potentially very severe consequences. Not having a marriage paper doesn't by default make it any easier to just 'leave over night'.

 

OP, I hope you figure it out, good luck.

 

You make a good point, the commitment can be real. Anyway, I don't see how a no-plans relationship is a full invested relationship. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, I'm sorry..There are very deep and meaningful vows taken, for the worst and for the best...

 

I have heard so much about consequences of married people getting divorced that for me it does make a difference : there are not only just hurt feelings, there are finances, kids, social status..The package is bigger.

[bananarama]

You make a good point, the commitment can be real. Anyway, I don't see how a no-plans relationship is a full invested relationship. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, I'm sorry..There are very deep and meaningful vows taken, for the worst and for the best...

 

I have heard so much about consequences of married people getting divorced that for me it does make a difference : there are not only just hurt feelings, there are finances, kids, social status..The package is bigger.

 

There are plans.... where we plan to settle long term, buy a house etc etc.

 

Great that vows are meaningful, etc, to you. They aren't to everyone. To some people it's just all a big production, a show.

 

We have no kids (no plans for kids) but where we are after you live together for 1 year you're considered common law. Legal status as common law makes breaking up just as complicated as divorce. Just as an example, if you break up, legally everything is split 50/50.

 

But, that is not what is causing me trouble and confusion.

 

I guess what I need to do, as Owl said in the beginning, is to forget this guy, move on, and figure out how/if I can bring this relationship back to where it was.

[East7]

I guess what I need to do, as Owl said in the beginning, is to forget this guy, move on, and figure out how/if I can bring this relationship back to where it was.

 

Yep, your relationship have a good beginning, you are bored now, let alone in 10, 20 years. You enjoyed the thrill and sex of another man at the peak of your relationship, what will happen when you guys will go through cr@ppy times ?

 

And you dont feel the guilt yet but soon it will overwhelm you. Remember this : honesty is the best policy at the end. Tell your BF what happened and give him the choice to stay or not. Don't keep him hostage of your conveniences. Wanting to save your relationship is not enough if you dont tell him the truth.

 

Good luck

[MissBee]

I disagree with the notion that because you're not married you can do whatever...

 

Once you decide to be committed and monogamous with someone then that same level of respect and fidelity should apply. After all, marriage is not what makes a relationship, but is supposed to be the ceremonial and legal announcement of an ALREADY great relationship. You don't cheat up until the night before your wedding, because you're not married so you can, then when you're married magically you are faithful and the relationship becomes good...

 

Anyway, Bananarama: I think that you do love and care for your bf and I think that you need to decide whether or not this is a bump in the road that can be sorted out or if this is a life changing point where the relationship has served it's purpose and you now need to move on. 7 Year itch maybe? Relationships do take work and communication, so instead of channeling energy into people outside of your relationship and hiding away in obsessional fantasies...you actually have to talk to your guy and tell him how you feel (you say you're bestfriends right, that's what bestfriends do) and then figure out how to move forward from there.

 

I really do believe in being honest and forthright. Life happens...things change...when they do, speak up! Be honest. Don't seek solace or excitement elsewhere esp without ever saying anything is wrong and expect things to change. You've been together for 7 years, he deserves that honesty and respect, just like you do.

Edited June 17, 2011 by MissBee

[denise_xo]

You make a good point, the commitment can be real. Anyway, I don't see how a no-plans relationship is a full invested relationship. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, I'm sorry..There are very deep and meaningful vows taken, for the worst and for the best...

 

I have heard so much about consequences of married people getting divorced that for me it does make a difference : there are not only just hurt feelings, there are finances, kids, social status..The package is bigger.

 

I don't see any evidence in this thread that the OP's relationship is a no-plan relationship. I myself don't want children and I object to the normative position to have a relationship that is 'committed' and based on 'wows', I need to want to have children and want a piece of marriage paper. I really don't think you or anyone else is in a position to judge, by definition, another person's commitment based on legal status and absence or presence of children. When people live together, they frequently have shared finances and assets just like married couples do, and their social circles also frequently view them as committed as a married couple (based, of course, on the signals that the couple has communicated to their surroundings), this is at least the reality in two out of the countries where I have lived.

 

I also fully agree with MissBee here

 

Once you decide to be committed and monogamous with someone then that same level of respect and fidelity should apply. After all, marriage is not what makes a relationship, but is supposed to be the ceremonial and legal announcement of an ALREADY great relationship. You don't cheat up until the night before your wedding, because you're not married so you can, then when you're married magically you are faithful and the relationship becomes good..

 

For some people, the marriage certificate is an extremely important symbol and the wedding is a significant ritual transition in a relationship. For many others, however, it isn't.

Edited June 17, 2011 by denise_xo

[TigerCub]

Oh yea encourage him to keep hurting his girlfriend some more. Yea that's great for everyone.

 

Where did I encourage anyone to hurt their girlfriend?

I told the OP to break up with her bf, and get the bf to break up with his gf.

 

Are you implying that you actually think its better for the guy to stay with his gf and keep cheating on her - that wont hurt her?

[bananarama]

Owl I wanted to send you a PM but I don't have access to that function yet because I'm new.

 

Just wanted to thank you again for your advice. I know it's what I need to do and as of today I've started to act on that.

 

I have a lot of work to do and I know it's going to be a rough road.

[John Michael Kane]

Where did I encourage anyone to hurt their girlfriend?

I told the OP to break up with her bf, and get the bf to break up with his gf.

 

My point has been proven.

 

Are you implying that you actually think its better for the guy to stay with his gf and keep cheating on her - that wont hurt her?

 

What are you talking about? Now you should've obviously know from my view I don't promote selfish behavior so I don't know where did you get that conclusion.

 

The OP cannot "get" her OM to break up with his innocent GF. That would be entirely his decision. Her trying to run after someone who's taken is just adding more fuel to the fire. You know this. Come on now.

[OldOnTheInside]

I'm quite surprised at some of the responses here. It is quite possible for an unmarried couple to have an emotional bond with the same level of intensity as a married one and vice-versa. I think that on a subconcious level, once a relationship becomes serious, "vows" are formed on their own anyway.

 

In any case, if you aren't 100% dedicated to working things out with your bf (despite saying that you are) I recommend creating some space between the two of you so that you can clear your head. Evidently, considering the choices you have made, and the position that you have placed both youself and your bf in, things aren't so perfect in paradise (and note that paradise could mean you and just you).

 

If you are 100% dedicated to your bf I would advocate telling him some time in the future and communicating thoroughly about you issues. I will expand this point with my "logic" which you are free to take into consideration or disregard.

 

Ideally, a long-term monogamous relationship is a 50-50 deal. As such, both parties play an important role in steering it forwards. By choosing to keep silent about your infidelity, you are essentially overriding your bf's ability to choose how he wishes to react to your actions, which have influenced the relationship in a negative way. Basically, you are making his choices for him.

What I mean is, the relationship shouldn't survive just for the sake of the relationship surviving. You understand?

 

Whether or not you consider the dishonesty of your actions to be morally wrong, just keep in mind that you are basically playing your bf like a meat puppet by not telling. If you are comfortable with that level of manipulation, then there is little reason to tell him. If not, then you should talk. But make sure that you confess because you genuinely want the relationship to work, not purely out of guilt.

 

For me personally, I would consider the complete violation of my conscious ability to make my own decisions, to be far worse than having my partner sleep around. So whether or not you should tell depends on how willing you are to be a puppet-master and how willing your bf is to be a puppet.

Edited June 20, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[TigerCub]

My point has been proven.

 

 

 

What are you talking about? Now you should've obviously know from my view I don't promote selfish behavior so I don't know where did you get that conclusion.

 

The OP cannot "get" her OM to break up with his innocent GF. That would be entirely his decision. Her trying to run after someone who's taken is just adding more fuel to the fire. You know this. Come on now.

 

Please!!

The innocent gf is already being hurt

she's being cheated on, lied to and played for a fool.

If this guy leaves her - he'd be doing her a favor.

 

but you are right - no one can "get" anyone to do anything. That's true, and when I said it, I didn't mean that OP can force him.

But if they're both going to cheat on their partners - they're better off together, allowing their SOs to find people that can be faithful to them.