Alcoholics..

[stuckinoz]

It's been a while since I've been here.

I have a question / concern.

My husband drinks too much. He knows he drinks too much. He's even said that he's an alcoholic.

How do you get someone like this to either A) Stop drinking altogether or B) at least cut back?

His time during the day sadly is his own. He owns his own company.

On days when he's not busy working he'll go sit in the bar.

He will come home around 5 completely intoxicated. When I ask him about it he becomes defensive & says I'm badgering him. Next morning when I ask again he apologizes, says he's sorry he lied (oh, he lies about his whereabouts too) says he's an alcoholic & he's trying. Says it's better than it was a few years ago. Which is right - However, the 5 or so times in a month that this happens just turns my stomach. I want to vomit when I know he's in the bar because I already know how the evening's going to go down. (I always have a 6th sense about where he is)

Help? Anyone?

After they've admitted to the problem - how do you get them to ACT? and do something about it?

[Mag-Lone-Freak]

I'm in almost the same situation but MY addict bf is addicted to dope. Same thing, he knows he has a problem and that it hurts me, I've even given him an ultimatum to quit before the end of our lease or I'll leave but he says thats not fair and can't set a deadline or put a date on when he'll stop. He only says he'll go to rehab when he feels VERY guilty and think I've had enough, but then the next day comes, he's in a different mood and he says he doesn't need it, he just needs to make more money to do healthy activities to replace his bad habits. He says he wants to do it his way which is "weening" down. I don't like his way, nor do I think that'll help him quit. It'll just keep being sometimes more, sometimes less forever until one day he might OD.. I'm questioning the same thing too. People in his family and friends who understand the situation sometimes suggest I leave him and let him hit rock bottom, but he's hit rock bottom before and still went at it. The other answer people give me is to wait until he's ready. He's not ready right now. Sadly I sometimes don't think he'll ever be until something traumatic happens in his life But I like to think everyone is different, and hope he'll surrender to at least therapy soon. I booked to see someone myself first cause I'm going nuts, and I'm hoping he might go with me to see this councilor at least once maybe warming up to the idea of talking to a therapist. Good Luck:)

[Tayla]

Someone who genuinely hits "rock bottom" doesnt just jump back on the drug horse. Ironic that such a disease that is technically non contagious can affact so many around them....

Yes the reality is they will try every dern technique to "try" to quit. They cannot DO it alone though.

 

A family member of mine, who loved me more then the disease, helped to create my rock bottom and I am ever so gratefull. As BAD as it got, the healing could only commence when the core of all that I loved or cared to loved was lost. So leave so you may heal, you've been thru enough to see a loved one suffer like this. You can only be strong for them when you are strong yourself....

[stuckinoz]

Funny you mention the Rock Bottom.

 

I guess that I'd think my husband has hit rock bottem. Many times.

I left him for 14 months because of the drinking.

Part of MY problem was that I went back out of fear. He was still drinking & I was afraid of 1) breaking up our family (even though my kids were grown) 2) financial stability for the future 3) afraid he'd be dead within a year if I didn't go back....& other issues.

 

These, I'm sure are all reasons most of us give to go back to someone with issues such as this.

 

I'm to the point now where I'm just trying to get by until July (huge family function) He already knows that if after this time & he's still in this place, I will leave. Still FEAR grips me when I even type it out now.

I just wish he'd stop drinking during the day. That itsself is the biggest problem. I'm sober because I have a good job & can't leave during the daytime to have parties with my friends. (wouldn't do that anyway) He doesn't have that. His boredom takes over around 2 in the afternoon. - Sorry, Now I"m just venting for the sake of venting.

Edited June 20, 2011 by stuckinoz

[Clep]

Alcoholism is a disease. There is nothing you can do to cure it and you cannot make someone do anything directly.

 

My H is an alcoholic. His drinking is only a symptom of a greater issue. He is in recovery for the past two years and will be the rest of his life.

 

What I did was got myself to an Al-anon meeting and kept going. I learned so much that allowed me to see my role in the drinking I despised so much.

 

I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. I spend my time working on myself who I can control. I am the only person I can control in this whole world.

 

I did indirectly aid in my H in his recovery. I stopped putting my focus on him and that didn't give him reasons to blame me for his drinking. I didn't waste my time "nagging" him about it. It was a waste of breath.

 

I didn't go back to my ex. He came back to me. It is hard to lose an alcoholic. Very hard.

 

For me, Al-anon gave me my life back in aiding me to deal with alcoholism in a sane way that brought me the results I was looking for. All I changed was me and that is still what I am concerned with changing.

 

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Look after yourself.

[Feelin Frisky]

I urge you not to think that you CAN cause an alcoholic to try to change for the better. It doesn't work that way. A person with a deep addiction like alcoholism has come to a place where there is nothing to "recover to". Many people urge AA and there will be lots of talk about "recovery" but it's babble. A person who invests that much of his life in that lifestyle needs to have some kind of totally fire under his ass if he has that within him. If not and the guy really doesn't BELIEVE he has it in him to make something dramatically better of himself, he will continue to be sink hole that will drag years away from other healthy people who have unfortunately "loved" him. Been there. I never let myself give up but I know many people--many dead--who didn't have a clue that there was anything else about them worth nurturing into CLARITY. Good luck and my sympathies. You may be best cutting your losses.

[LuckyLady13]

How do you get someone like this to either A) Stop drinking altogether or B) at least cut back?

 

 

How? Leave him alone.

 

 

The only person you have control over is YOU. You can't do anything to get your husband to cut down or stop drinking. He's an alcoholic. He has a problem. And he will feel like you badger him. I've been there. And I'll tell you what happened.

 

Two times in my life when things were very bad for me, I was a full fledged alcoholic. It was so bad it scared the few people I let be close to me at the time.

 

Every time someone said a word to me about quitting, I hated it! People were so wrapped up in me drinking alcohol it was as if there was nothing left of me or my personality anymore because people obsessed about the alcohol. They couldn't look past it or think of any other aspect of my life anymore. People who didn't even have the faintest clue as to how bad it really was were wasting both of our time by obsessing over me having alcohol.

 

What did I do? I dumped them ALL. Every single person who badgered me. I vanished out of their lives and took some control back over my own. I got some peace! And...I was like a kid let loose in a candy store. I was free to get as wasted as I wanted to! At first I had a ball! I thought it was the most freeing thing I'd ever done. No more worries, no more badgering or nagging. It was bliss! I was so loving it. For a couple months...

 

Then, once I had all that freedom for a while, I FINALLY was able to evaluate my situation for what it really was without all that white noise in the background from everyone I got rid of. Once I really started getting used to the peace and freedom, I started to realize it just wasn't what I thought it was. Alcohol wasn't the answer I was looking for.

 

To be totally honest, part of why I couldn't quit was because I needed to be alone so bad and couldn't think straight from people badgering me about it. Imagine trying to think rationally while being badgered by people?

 

I felt as if every time someone who knew me looked at me, they saw a bottle of alcohol and a 'problem' rather than ME. They were burying me completely and forgot a real person existed inside me that had lots of aspects to her besides alcohol. People centered around the addiction that I was going through and didn't talk to me about simple things anymore, couldn't stop themselves for 2 seconds to appreciate who I still was (caring, creative, thoughtful, etc...) and it was the worst possible thing they could have done.

 

People didn't leave me alone and that's so what I needed. It took time, quite a bit of time alone to start to piece myself back together and realize...have TIME to realize that what I was looking for wasn't in a bottle or at the liquor store. Turned out, I had family problems that needed to be addressed and I missed my old friends like crazy. I need time to get back to myself and remember who I really was and stop getting caught up in everyone else's obsessive whirlwind about alcohol. They were making my life center around alcohol. I needed time to have a drink (or five) alone and be okay with that to start remembering...hey, there's a lot more to me than this.

[LuckyLady13]

Oh, in case you're wondering, I attended no meetings ever and never will. Why? There's no way I'll live the rest of my life afraid that if I have a drink, I'll go falling off the wagon. That's nonsense! I dropped my addiction 6 years ago and now, these days, I have 1-3 drinks every 3 months. I'm totally comfortable with it, I don't get addicted to it and don't live in fear of it. I drink once in a while, a lot less than most people do who drink socially who aren't considered alcoholics. And anyone who meets me today doesn't have a clue what my past was because my behavior now is so drastically different.

[Feelin Frisky]

What I hate about AA and the "treatment industry" is the idea of "recovery". For most addicts and alkies there was nothing ever to "recover to" in the first place. What I found is that for some like me what you have to want is not "re"-covery, it's "dis-covery (as in discovery). You have to fundamentally believe that there a things about yourself and life that you haven't "discovered" and that working to clean yourself up to face those things is worth the effort. If all that is over your head, you're either screwed or just another "hanger-on" at a meeting reciting the "recovery" doctrine.

[LuckyLady13]

Everything Feelin Frisky is saying is dead on. If your husband has actually said he drinks too much, he's in better shape than you think. What do they say? The first step is admitting you have a problem!

 

Feelin Frisky said in a condensed version what I was trying to say. Discovery that there is so much more to life than alcohol is what really matters.

 

I couldn't imagine 6 years later going to meetings every week talking about alcohol and addiction! I'm living my life. I own my own business, things are going good, I cleaned up my family issues and have been getting back to my friends a lot lately. Being more talkative and social again. (Took quite a while to figure out the serious family issues...)

 

There's no way I'd step BACKWARDS and start going to meetings, talking about the alcohol addiction I left behind 6 years ago. It's a done deal and long over with. To me, it would be like going to meetings talking about the bad relationship I was in 8 years ago and going over that bad situation again and again and again.

 

Alcohol (and drugs) are like a bad relationship. That abusive, good-for-nothing "lover" who is always there whenever you feel you "need" them but they never really help. They're just there and seem to be the only one who is there for you sometimes.

 

When people started focusing on alcohol instead of me as a person, who did I have? Who did I really have in this life anymore? I dove in harder when I felt people were isolating me and pigeon-holing me, seeing me as just an alcoholic.

 

If only they knew what I really needed. I needed the focus to be on me as a person again and I needed to find out what to do about my real problems - Family (my abusive, psychopath mother) and my lack of direction career-wise. I had to figure out where I really wanted to go with my life.

 

I think if the OP wants to know what to do, everything I said and what Feelin Frisky said is like a handbook. It comes down to straightening out the alcoholics problems that they probably purely don't know what to do about and start focusing on the future and everything in life that has nothing to do with alcohol. Sports, music, getting back in shape, finding direction career-wise, etc.

 

And yes, owning your own business also brings lack of direction sometimes. There are always plateau's to hit and then the owner has to figure out what the next, new direction is and that sometimes is so hard.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[stuckinoz]

Thank you all very much:) for your advice & kind words. (& telling me your stories, it helps a great deal)

 

I honestly don't see my husband every stopping completely. He's not into 'himself' enough or a deep thinker enough to even consider AA. I'm not even sure I'm in a place to go to alanon.

Anyway, I hear what you're all saying & the one thing that sticks out right now is 'leave him alone.' A lot easier said than done when I have to look at his face after he's been in the bar on a given afternoon or have to spend an evening with him passed out on the couch snoring at 6 or even earlier or talk to him on the phone when it's quite obvious he's slurring his words or go out to dinner with him & have him sit across the table from me with his eyes half open.

 

It's VERY hard for me to not say anything.

VERY VERY HARD.

Because of the lies too I always feel I need to know. Where have you been? Who were you with? Did you work at all today?

 

ATTEMPTING.. To turn over a new leaf today. No more asking.

No more accusing. No more nit-picky remarks. Wow..Challenge for me!

I say, It's worth a shot.

[stuckinoz]

Let me ask you this - If I DON'T say anything isn't he going to think that his behavior is acceptable? That I'm no longer mad about his drinking therefore why not continue on the path he's on?

[Clep]

Let me ask you this - If I DON'T say anything isn't he going to think that his behavior is acceptable? That I'm no longer mad about his drinking therefore why not continue on the path he's on?

 

Has the idea that his drinking bothers you changed the situation thus far?

 

When I was mad about the drinking my A did I was as obsessed with his drinking as he was about drinking. That put me in about the same place as he was. I just didn't see that. I personally wasn't able to remove that obsession and the need to bitch on my own. I needed help with it.

 

I have a sister that was addicted to cocaine for years and alcohol. She went to rehab many times and all attempts failed. One day she decided to quit and did. She now has the occasional drink and is successful at that. Since she didn't address the "ism's" her addiction has simply transferred to other things. Computer, other people's business, work, relationships etc. She doesn't see that. I know many people that no longer ingest the addiction of their choice, but still have the thinking of an addict. It is said that alcoholism is not curable and a disease of the mind and allergy of the body. The allergy of the body can be addressed by simply not drinking, but the allergy of the mind will always be there and must always be worked on.

 

My A quit drinking and discarded the allergy of the mind. He figured since he quit drinking and could do without it he could manage it. He drank again and within two weeks was in the same detrimental state he was before he quit the first time. He needed the program of AA to address all of the issues that psychologists didn't. His thoughts started to get distorted again and that is what led to drinking again. I don't know if he will have to go to AA the rest of his life. It isn't my choice or business anyways.

 

I do believe that no two people are the same, that people handle addiction differently and one person cannot be compared to another. No one other than your husband will know what he will need to work out his issue with alcohol, only he will know that when the time comes. I have found the AA and Al-anon program to be completely about discovery of who we really are, losing the fear of being that person, learning about new ways to deal with life's situations and finding peace in our own world regardless of what is going on around us. It has been quite helpful to me especially in my work. I continue to go because I love the self discovery and learning about myself every day. I don't want that to ever stop. I don't concentrate on my A or the drinking, but on myself.

 

What works for me might not work for everyone and vice versa. All I can share is my own experience with addiction and leave it at that.