Selfishness is destroying my marriage

[lonley73]

What do you do when you are unhappy in your relationship, but you still love your spouse and they haven’t committed a truly awful offense (cheating, violence, etc)?

 

My husband and I have been together for 11 years (married 6 years this month). Looking back I can see the signs in the beginning that have led up to where we are today, but I guess hindsight is always 20/20.

 

He is a very positive, energetic person and for the most part is not moody or negative. He does nice things for me like cooking, bringing me water/snack without me asking when I watching a movie. He takes great care of our animals – we do not have children. He’s always been a hard worker and takes great care of our home. He lets me enjoy my hobbies and spend time with my friends with out making a fuss. From the outside looking in he looks like the perfect husband.

 

My big issue with him is that he can be very selfish. I also feel he doesn’t make an effort to maintain a connection with me, and that he spends way too much money.

 

Looking back to the early days of our relationship I see where I made mistakes. I always went along with what he wanted to do. Now there are things I want to do, but he is unwilling to join me. I’ve come to accept that he doesn’t like to attend plays or go shopping (I’m fine doing these things alone), but he is also unwilling to go out to eat with me (doesn’t everyone have to eat), go to the movies and walk our dogs together. I find myself doing everything either alone or with friends.

 

Our last 4 big vacations (we take at least one a year), he has made no effort to spend time with me on our trips. In foreign countries, he just disappears for hours doing his own thing while I try to find and track him down. Twice he’s left me stranded with no money and no way to get back on our cruise ship. Luckily we went with another couple and they were able to locate him on the ship.

 

When I try to tell him how I feel he either dismisses me or says nothing at all. On our last vacation when I told him it hurt my feelings when he takes off he didn’t say anything so I ask him “do you have anything to say?” and his response was “no”.

 

We have never been great at communicating. Throughout our relationship I have tried to have serious conversations with him about concerns regarding our home, finances, relationship and his standard responses have always been don’t worry about it, you worry too much, it will work itself out, or you know I don’t like to talk about money. I think he just doesn’t like confrontation, and unfortunately life gets messy and there are issues I just can’t resolve on my own.

 

There have also been some really big letdowns over the years that I just can’t seem to get past. I think the fact that we haven’t been able to talk them through and that many are repeated contributes to me hanging on to them.

 

• When we bought our house, he refused to stop racing. Racing (motorcycle) cost almost 2k a month. At the time that was his entire paycheck. He informed me when our first mortgage payment came due that he could not help because he didn’t have the money (he needed it for racing and had maxed his credit card). I ended up having to take a cash advance out (I didn’t have enough on my own to pay our mortgage and all the bills by myself and most of my savings went to the down payment). He raced for 3 more months (until the cash advance ran out and I could no longer cover the mortgage)
  
• I transferred all of his debt to my credit cards to help him improve his credit. A few years later when my credit card raised my interest rate he refused to transfer to one of his low interest cards stating “I don’t want to bring down my credit score”
  
• The month after I transferred all of his debt to my credit card, he began racing. I later found out that he was charging the racing on his credit card that I had just paid off (I had transferred it to raise his credit score so that our home loan interest rate would be better). I ask him why he would do that and his response was “why are you trying to take away my dreams?”
  
• This is a big one. He wouldn’t go with me to my grandmother’s funeral, because his dad broke up with his girlfriend and he (his dad) was depressed. He needed to spend time with him and cheer him up.
  
• He bought a 50K car without talking to be first and a year later did the same thing (even though I ask that he never do that again). Now we had 2 very high car payment in addition to my car payment.
  
• He sold our TV (which I paid for) after we had it for 1 year so he could by a slightly bigger (more expensive) TV. He turned around and sold the bigger TV for a smaller TV a year later
  
• I had a test done when I found a lump in my chest and he never ask me the results. When I ask him a month later if he was curious as to what the results were and why he didn’t ask me about them he said he forgot.
  
• He committed to spending the holiday’s with his Dad without discussing with me (we were financially strapped and couldn’t afford the trip). When I heard from his dad that we where spending Thanksgiving at his house, I confronted my husband and he said that he just hadn’t told his dad that we couldn’t make it yet, but that he was going to do it soon. Ultimately we ended up spending the holiday with his dad, but I ask him to never do that again. Well the following year he did it again and two weeks before Thanksgiving he told me we were going to his Dad’s after we had already made plans to stay locally and spend the holiday with my family. I put my foot down and refused to go, but he went anyway.
  
• I recently found out that he has made plans to go to his Dad’s for Christmas. His mom will also be spending Christmas there. His brother is having a baby (first grandbaby for his mom and dad) so I get that everyone wants to be there for Baby’s first Christmas. My issue is that I was the last to know (his Mom actually told me) yet everyone else knew and plans were set.
  
• His spending is out of control. He always has to have the newest, latest and greatest, but unfortunately he doesn’t make the money to support this habit. We incurred so much debt that we ended up losing our house and filing bankruptcy. In an effort to avoid BK, I cut every expense possible. I started making our laundry soap, I started carpooling with a friend from work, I bought top ramen in bulk and took that for lunch everyday for 2 years, I worked tons of overtime, cut expenses, etc. but all that work only seemed to provide more money for him to spend.
  
• When I started carpooling he agreed that if I ever needed a ride home that he would pick me up (we work 8 miles apart, but lived 60 miles from our jobs). About a year into it I got really sick and needed to go home. He got angry about having to pick me up. At first he said he couldn’t so I started looking for alternate rides home, but two hours later when I couldn’t find a ride he finally picked me up.
  

There are many, many other examples of selfishness and letdowns. Ultimately, I don’t feel like I can count on him or that he will be there for the big stuff when I need him. I feel terribly alone.

 

For many years, I have been trying to fix everything by myself. I even left once for 5 days and when I came home he acted like nothing had happened.

 

I have a desire to share my life with someone and I guess I feel like that isn’t happening. I feel like we are more roommates than anything and even then I think a roommate might be more present in my life.

 

I am certain that his behaviors are not malicious and he is not trying to be hurtful. I think this may just be who he is. I have family members that are convinced he is narcissistic. Maybe to some degree that is true. My cousin describes it best… he’s a married man living like a single man minus the dating and on occasion he takes his pretty doll (me) out of its case to play with.

 

I’ve ask him to go to counseling, but he refuses. I may go by myself anyway. I keep wondering if there is something else I can be doing. Is there another way I can approach him so that he understands where I am coming from. I just don’t know. I’ve been trying to fix everything by myself for so long and I’ve just run out of ideas. My head knows that I should probably leave, but my heart breaks at the thought. I love him very much, but I need more out of a relationship.

 

My cousin’s apartment will be empty for about 5 months and she has offered it to me. I’m considering using it for a trial separation so that I can take some time to figure out what my next step is. I’m really confused and worried that my marriage may not survive another year.

[fltc]

I’ve ask him to go to counseling, but he refuses.

 

Make an appointment for both of you, tell him if he choses not to go you'll make another appointment with a divorce attorney and get the process started.

 

My cousin’s apartment will be empty for about 5 months and she has offered it to me. I’m considering using it for a trial separation so that I can take some time to figure out what my next step is. I’m really confused and worried that my marriage may not survive another year.

 

Take the offer, tell him that's another part of what's going to happen if he choses not to go to counseling. Tell him you cannot remain in the relationship if he won't at least TRY to fix the problems. Sometimes to get a mule's attention you have to whack him over the head with a club, the apartment and attorney make good clubs, use them and good luck!

[2.50 a gallon]

Forget the counseler, I think it would be a waste of money

 

The red flag is "racing". Once it gets in your blood it is an addition, like drugs, gambling, alcohol, etc.

 

I know of what I speak as I too suffered from it at one time. With the money that I threw down this rat hole, I could have bought and paid for several houses. The problem was I knew it at the time, and still I pursued it. I have not been in a competition car for almost 40 years, and yet I keep my old driving suit, cleaned and hanging in the closet, just in case I might get a chance to turn some hot laps again.

 

The only way I was able to break my addicition was by moving a thousand miles away after getting married, and never having the funds to ship the car over to me.

 

Every driver that I know has been through at least one or more divorces. I have a friend who is in his 70's, has been divorce three times, and spends his retirement, building cars for his son and now his grandson. Where he gets the money I have no idea, I do know from his ex-wives that he is in debt far beyond what he can pay for in several lives.

 

The high one gets from competiton at speed, is far beyond sex. To paraphrase from a song, it I could take all the girls that I knew when I was single, I would trade them all for one more night of racing.

[willowthewisp]

Make an appointment for both of you, tell him if he choses not to go you'll make another appointment with a divorce attorney and get the process started.

 

 

 

Take the offer, tell him that's another part of what's going to happen if he choses not to go to counseling. Tell him you cannot remain in the relationship if he won't at least TRY to fix the problems. Sometimes to get a mule's attention you have to whack him over the head with a club, the apartment and attorney make good clubs, use them and good luck!

 

Oh my! I'm usually one to say fight for your marriage, but your husbands behaviour is beyond unacceptable. However, we are only hearing one side of things, so I agree totally with fltc, I think it is ultimatum time. One more chance, deadly serious, MC or you are out. You may find intially it does nothing and a few weeks after you have gone to your cousins apartment he is begging, IF that happens, do not move home and insist on MC.

 

If it does not work hunny, I really do think you will be better off without him and I NEVER say that (unless there is adultery or abuse) but honestly from what you describe, you can't live with someone who has absolutely no respect for you and as long as you have have made it crystal clear that you are considering leaving him, you are unhappy and I mean absolutely crystal clear, you have given him a real chance to work on things and he has said no. Enough.

[Fool for Love]

I agree with Willowthewisp. I would definitely take advantage of your friend's offer and go away for five months. But you should ask him again about counseling before you leave. If he says no, then you can use your time away to get over him. Hopefully he will miss you and change his mind about counseling while you're gone. But make sure he wants you back as a wife, and not a mother who will keep bailing him out of his financial fiascos.

[Tony T]

Your family members are right on target. You've got yourself a first class narcissist. Google the term and read lots about them. You won't like anything you read. Every behavior you listed is that of a narcissist. What you won't like is there is NO HOPE WHATSOEVER of him ever changing. He will only get worse.

 

Another thing you really won't like is that it is EXTREMELY HARD to get away from a narcissist. You will need highly competent...I said HIGHLY COMPETENT...professional help to assist you with strategies to get this guy out of your life forever. Yes, it will hurt like hell. Narcissists are charming as hell...and they have to be. That's the only way they can suck in their narcissistic supply...people like you who will do all their dirty work for them, who will put up with all the disappointment and keep smiling.

 

I am just so very sorry you got wrapped up with this loser. I so wish I had better news for you. The best thing, however, is that you aren't too old to get away from him and find yourself someone who is more attuned to your desire for a partner to share life with.

 

NEXT TIME, PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS!!!

[laRubiaBonita]

My cousin’s apartment will be empty for about 5 months and she has offered it to me. I’m considering using it for a trial separation so that I can take some time to figure out what my next step is. I’m really confused and worried that my marriage may not survive another year.

 

you may not have a home or any money left after 5 months.....

[lonley73]

Thank you all for your replies. My head knows what I should be doing, but my heart is broken. He is away on business for the next two weeks so that should give me some time to think.

[nyc_guy2003]

Sounds a lot like Star Gazer's problem where she was dating a guy with ADD who would never listen to her no matter how many times she told him that something he was doing was p!ssing her off.

[lonley73]

Intersting that you mention ADD. I brought that up a few years ago because doctors told his mom he needed to be put on medication as a kid, but she wouldn't do it. I found an article on ADD and relationships and suggested we talk to a doctor, but he refused.