My Wifes Affair - How I'm Coping With the Pain.

[StoneCold]

Question is now what is gonna happen---she is still gonna play soccer, but on a woman's team, is he gonna demand she comes directly home, after those games---I WOULD SURE HOPE SO---cuz coed or women only, members from amateur sporting teams of all kinds tend to party, the thing is most of them are single so what they do doesn't matter---Karen is married, SOOOO---she needs to just play her game, and come directly home, cuz these parties will still be crawling with men looking to have sex with the women at the party---if that doesn't happen---this whole thing is gonna start all over again, the minute she is unhappy about something, or if things get boring for her, as they probably did just recently!!!!!!!

 

Oh Well---I wish him luck

 

 

But you see that right there is the problem... Karen is a grown woman and the OP really has no business telling her what her curfew is or when to come home. If he feels like he needs to be doing this then I would say he still has a big problem as nothing has been solved...all he is doing is buying time and delaying the inevitable.

[jnj express]

You are right, the wife should have enuff moral fibre, to come home, and not drink, and be a wife----but since she has already cheated once, with 2 different guys, boundaries do need to be in place, from there it is up to the H., to do what he must.

 

The boundaries, should be a result of whatever agreement the spouses came to, in their agreement to R.

[Darren Steez]

Strong and happy couple...lol

[Headspin]

As far as my daughter is concerned - in exactly one hour from now we are meeting with her team of psychiatrists, social workers, and doctors to admit her to an adolescent treatment center. She has some mental disorders that my wife and ex-wife and myself have been doing EVERYTHING we possibly can to help her. Her problems have absolutely nothing to do with her home life. She has no idea that there are, or ever has been, any problem with my relationship with my current wife or ex-wife. One thing we all agree on is putting the kids 1st and showing them unconditional love. I held her last night as she cried in my arms. I told her how much I love her. She wants to get the help she needs and to break the cycle of self destruction.

 

Secondly, my wife wasn't gone for "days" screwing other men. There were only a handful of times (and they were recent) that she didn't come home. Also, it was one guy that she had an affair with. It was prearranged that she was staying at a "friends" house for various reasons (i.e. Superbowl party or whatever). She truly did go to these things because I saw pictures. It was after the party when she would meet the OM. I believed she was staying at her girlfriends house. How or why would I suspect anything at the time? As far as I knew she would never have done that. She did have friends there. I met them all and new where they lived. Looking back now, I wish I would have tracked it better. But, WTF am I supposed to do about it now? In ten years together she never strayed. We did everything together and I know there was no opportunity to cheat and nor did she want to. It was only the last few months when her doubt and fear (that we were falling apart as a couple) came between us. A very convenient opportunity was presented to her by a very persistent guy on the rebound. It was too easy to get away with and she let it happen. She is full of remorse and is doing everything to win me back. She's quit her old soccer teams (that was a given). She doesn't meet with any of the girls from the team any more and of course has no connection with the OM. She has disclosed everything. She answers all my questions. We are going to counseling and we quit drinking too. At least we can admit our problems and have the courage to face them head-on.

 

Thanks for your concern.

 

It looks like many of you didn't read this post. It's easy to criticize and make assumptions but have you any regard at all? As far as I can tell, most of you are bitter and angry about your own personal problems and enjoy dragging others down with you. Those that actually had something sensible to say - thank you.

 

Yes, this if a f****d up situation. Yes, many guys read this and get angry because they relate to their own "whore" wives doing it to them. Wake up people, we live in a real world with real life situations. Bad **** happens and you gotta deal with it. Make a decision. If someone hurts you so bad, get rid of them. If someone hurts you and feels truly remorseful then at least give them a chance. All I'm doing is giving her a chance. Good luck to you all.

[Steadfast]

If you're going to throw out vulgarities, at least get the definitions right. A whore trades sex for something tangible; like money or drugs. A slut is someone who's into mindless sexual gratification with various partners.

 

Neither are what most would consider 'good' wife material...if we're talking about women. There's plenty of male versions floating about too.

 

As for you Headspin, realize most of the good advice you've received centers around loving someone who doesn't love herself. It is impossible to 'love someone out of it' if they're not participating. Until she does, you're cooked.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It looks like many of you didn't read this post. It's easy to criticize and make assumptions but have you any regard at all? As far as I can tell, most of you are bitter and angry about your own personal problems and enjoy dragging others down with you. Those that actually had something sensible to say - thank you.

Yes, this if a f****d up situation. Yes, many guys read this and get angry because they relate to their own "whore" wives doing it to them. Wake up people, we live in a real world with real life situations. Bad **** happens and you gotta deal with it. Make a decision. If someone hurts you so bad, get rid of them. If someone hurts you and feels truly remorseful then at least give them a chance. All I'm doing is giving her a chance. Good luck to you all.

 

Your situation is very rough. Tossing insults at your wife is pointless given that you wish to reconcile and move forward. Here are some questions to help move past the infantile back and forth and to actually engage posters in providing you some quality feedback.

 

How do you feel she is moving onward in terms of remorse?

 

Do you feel there have been enough consequences to her actions to meet your satisfaction?

 

How much actual hope do you have for the future of your marriage?

 

How much transparency regarding her daily routine is she providing you? Is it enough?

 

How is she showing that she loves you? Is it enough to start your healing?

[OldOnTheInside]

Thanks for the counterbalance UF.

 

Having said that, some of the negative posters do bring up some good points. It's probably better that OP keeps himself fairly grounded during the reconciliation process, rather than holding on to pure optimism.

[RepairMinded]

Her problems have absolutely nothing to do with her home life. She has no idea that there are, or ever has been, any problem with my relationship with my current wife or ex-wife. One thing we all agree on is putting the kids 1st and showing them unconditional love. I held her last night as she cried in my arms. I told her how much I love her. She wants to get the help she needs and to break the cycle of self destruction.

A healthy family is an integrated unit. A complex series of interrelationships among its members; a network; a web.

 

Disruption of the relationship among any two people in the family is disruptive of the coherence and integrity of the entire family unit. The disruption in the relationship between you and your wife and/or ex-wife most definitely has an effect on your daughter, even if you don't want to acknowledge it.

 

You seriously don't think your kid is well aware that her parents' relationship is messed up, somehow, in a very serious way? At least intuitively?

 

It sounds like all the adults in this family want to disavow any responsibility for the child's problems.

 

That's not fair to the child.

 

This is a dysfunctional child who most likely developed her dysfunctional coping methods as a direct result of the poor role-modeling provided by the adults in her life.

 

Face up to it.

 

 

we quit drinking too

 

That's good, but you really don't believe that having two parents with drinking problems is going to have a negative influence on the children?

Edited June 23, 2011 by RepairMinded

[Headspin]

If you're going to throw out vulgarities, at least get the definitions right. A whore trades sex for something tangible; like money or drugs. A slut is someone who's into mindless sexual gratification with various partners.

 

Neither are what most would consider 'good' wife material...if we're talking about women. There's plenty of male versions floating about too.

 

As for you Headspin, realize most of the good advice you've received centers around loving someone who doesn't love herself. It is impossible to 'love someone out of it' if they're not participating. Until she does, you're cooked.

 

The vulgarity I used was quoting what other people have called her in previous posts. Not what I think of her. I was offended by it for obvious reasons. If people are here to help they would never say that.

[Headspin]

Your situation is very rough. Tossing insults at your wife is pointless given that you wish to reconcile and move forward. Here are some questions to help move past the infantile back and forth and to actually engage posters in providing you some quality feedback.

 

How do you feel she is moving onward in terms of remorse?

 

Do you feel there have been enough consequences to her actions to meet your satisfaction?

 

How much actual hope do you have for the future of your marriage?

 

How much transparency regarding her daily routine is she providing you? Is it enough?

 

How is she showing that she loves you? Is it enough to start your healing?

 

1. I wasn't tossing an insult at my wife. I quoted what others have called her. I was insulted when I read it. I guess I was lashing back. I'm a little edgy these days.

2. In terms of remorse. She apologizes to me often. She cries when we talk about it. She has confessed to my friends and family (we don't want everyone to know only certain people for support).

3. Consequences - I feel she has suffered emotionally to the point that she's trying to hold it together and not give up. She breaks down easily and is scared that I will leave. I can clearly see her sadness and worry when we talk. She had to quit her woman's teams (she played for 7 years on two woman's teams. The coed thing was new. ugh) so has lost many friendships. She realizes that her old teammates that didn't know about her A are now finding out. She's ashamed and embarrassed. That is hurting her deeply. She's doing these things to try and save us. Her friends that did know about the A are not really talking to her much. Because at the time they told her it was wrong but her decision. Also they were telling her to end the A and fix our marriage.

4. Right now I'd say our marriage has an 80% chance of survival. Discovery wasn't long ago. That number will change daily I guess.

5. Transperancy - 100% I know where she is and what she's doing 24/7. She's usually with me anyway. Also I have her passwords (and tracking software to make sure there's nothing else). She doesn't use any social media any more - she canceled any accounts she used to have.

6. She's showing her love by doing all the things I've mentioned here. Also by answering any questions I have. She calls/texts me repeatedly throughout the work day, to see how I'm doing. She tells me repeatedly how much she loves me and admits how bad she messed up. Yes, the healing has started but I can see it's a long road ahead. There's no 'fast-tracking' this one.

[Headspin]

A healthy family is an integrated unit. A complex series of interrelationships among its members; a network; a web.

 

Disruption of the relationship among any two people in the family is disruptive of the coherence and integrity of the entire family unit. The disruption in the relationship between you and your wife and/or ex-wife most definitely has an effect on your daughter, even if you don't want to acknowledge it.

 

You seriously don't think your kid is well aware that her parents' relationship is messed up, somehow, in a very serious way? At least intuitively?

 

It sounds like all the adults in this family want to disavow any responsibility for the child's problems.

 

That's not fair to the child.

 

This is a dysfunctional child who most likely developed her dysfunctional coping methods as a direct result of the poor role-modeling provided by the adults in her life.

 

Face up to it.

 

 

 

 

That's good, but you really don't believe that having two parents with drinking problems is going to have a negative influence on the children?

 

She lives with my ex-wife and doesn't see or hear anything when we're together. She comes over on weekends but is out with friends most of the time anyway. She just had a two month evaluation by an 8 member team of mental health workers including psychologists, social workers, counselors, doctors, etc... We met as a group and went over all the reports and family history and part of it determined that she has a very strong family background and support system. In months of spending time with her and diagnosing, there was not one mention of dysfunction in our household. They felt we were a strong family unit. Her problems lie elsewhere.

[Untouchable_Fire]

1. I wasn't tossing an insult at my wife. I quoted what others have called her. I was insulted when I read it. I guess I was lashing back. I'm a little edgy these days.

 

Oops, I meant that part for other posters who were being overly negative.

 

Apologize... that was poorly worded.

 

2. In terms of remorse. She apologizes to me often. She cries when we talk about it. She has confessed to my friends and family (we don't want everyone to know only certain people for support).

 

Has this affair hurt her more that it has hurt you?

 

3. Consequences - I feel she has suffered emotionally to the point that she's trying to hold it together and not give up. She breaks down easily and is scared that I will leave. I can clearly see her sadness and worry when we talk. She had to quit her woman's teams (she played for 7 years on two woman's teams. The coed thing was new. ugh) so has lost many friendships. She realizes that her old teammates that didn't know about her A are now finding out. She's ashamed and embarrassed. That is hurting her deeply. She's doing these things to try and save us. Her friends that did know about the A are not really talking to her much. Because at the time they told her it was wrong but her decision. Also they were telling her to end the A and fix our marriage.

 

Some guys are very concerned with fairness. Are you one of those?

 

If you are... do you feel that this balances the scales?

 

4. Right now I'd say our marriage has an 80% chance of survival. Discovery wasn't long ago. That number will change daily I guess.

 

Understandable... your feelings will fluctuate over time. Just know that if you start to feel apathetic... the chances drop big time.

 

5. Transperancy - 100% I know where she is and what she's doing 24/7. She's usually with me anyway. Also I have her passwords (and tracking software to make sure there's nothing else). She doesn't use any social media any more - she canceled any accounts she used to have.

 

I think the affair ended before you caught it... so you don't have to really worry about her falling back into it at this point. However, How long do you plan to monitor her stuff?

 

Also do you believe she is being 100% honest with you at this point? Have you contacted this Steve guy?

 

6. She's showing her love by doing all the things I've mentioned here. Also by answering any questions I have. She calls/texts me repeatedly throughout the work day, to see how I'm doing. She tells me repeatedly how much she loves me and admits how bad she messed up. Yes, the healing has started but I can see it's a long road ahead. There's no 'fast-tracking' this one.

 

That is all good signs!

 

Why do you believe she began the affair?

[RepairMinded]

She lives with my ex-wife and doesn't see or hear anything when we're together. She comes over on weekends but is out with friends most of the time anyway. She just had a two month evaluation by an 8 member team of mental health workers including psychologists, social workers, counselors, doctors, etc... We met as a group and went over all the reports and family history and part of it determined that she has a very strong family background and support system. In months of spending time with her and diagnosing, there was not one mention of dysfunction in our household. They felt we were a strong family unit. Her problems lie elsewhere.

 

So the 8 member team must have at least missed the fact that this is a child of divorce, the lack of a father figure most of the time--two days a week with you is not nearly enough for an adolescent child, especially when she spends most of the two days with her friends, not with you--parental infidelity, and multiple adults with alcohol problems.

[Headspin]

So the 8 member team must have at least missed the fact that this is a child of divorce, the lack of a father figure most of the time--two days a week with you is not nearly enough for an adolescent child, especially when she spends most of the two days with her friends, not with you--parental infidelity, and multiple adults with alcohol problems.

 

Sorry but you are way off the mark. I can't begin to explain by how much. Lets just say our oldest daughter is a 2nd year college student and doing well and my son is graduating this year with a honours and a scholarship. I only added this information about my daughter to to help explain some of the turmoil that led to the A. I started my thread to discuss the infidelity. If I feel the need, I'll start a new thread in a different forum and we can discuss my daughter there. Thanks.

[John Michael Kane]

Sorry but you are way off the mark. I can't begin to explain by how much. Lets just say our oldest daughter is a 2nd year college student and doing well and my son is graduating this year with a honours and a scholarship. I only added this information about my daughter to to help explain some of the turmoil that led to the A. I started my thread to discuss the infidelity. If I feel the need, I'll start a new thread in a different forum and we can discuss my daughter there. Thanks.

 

But your children are a part of this whole ordeal, sir.

[Headspin]

Oops, I meant that part for other posters who were being overly negative.

 

Apologize... that was poorly worded.

No worries. Glad we clarified that.

 

 

Has this affair hurt her more that it has hurt you?

Good question. I wouldn't say "more". Pretty close I guess?

Some guys are very concerned with fairness. Are you one of those?

 

If you are... do you feel that this balances the scales?

Ya I believe in fairness. We're still working on balancing the scales. At some point I will have to feel it's equal.

 

 

I think the affair ended before you caught it... so you don't have to really worry about her falling back into it at this point. However, How long do you plan to monitor her stuff?

Yes, the affair ended the day before I caught it! When buddy found out about his "friend" at the party. I don't feel the need to monitor her stuff any more, as far as contact from the other guy/s. However, I do like to see what she's saying to her old female teammates so I check her email. I find there is less contact by the week and what she tells me is all true to her emails.

 

Also do you believe she is being 100% honest with you at this point? Have you contacted this Steve guy?

I truly believe she is being 100% honest. Although it still hurts! One of the conditions is if I find out ANYTHING new that she was holding back; it's over. I can't handle one more surprise.

 

As far as contact with the other guys. I haven't contacted Rick since the text message incident. I also haven't contacted Steve but found something very interesting. He works with someone I know!!! I found out his life has fallen apart bad. His wife left him. He begged her to come back. The house is for sale. His kids are pissed off at him! He was fighting too much and got kicked off his team. And he lost many of his friends. Awww...too bad.

 

 

Why do you believe she began the affair?

This is the one thing every BS asks!! Where do I begin? Let's say it was the 'perfect storm'! None of these are excuses but they are contributing factors:

 

 

• She was just about to turn 40 yrs and struggling with it.
  
• Her girlfriends from the coed team were all young (20-23yrs) and single. She watched them hookup with guys every time they went out. Made her feel old and a bit jealous.
  
• I was at home depressed about myself. She thought I wanted out of the relationship.
  
• We went 3 months without sex. I decided if she wanted me, she would have to show me (part of my depression I guess). Problem was, for our entire relationship I was always the initiator. So, when I stopped she took that as I didn't want her anymore.
  
• She got in a car accident just before considering the affair. Her car was hit by an 18 wheeler and was a fraction of a second from taking her and her daughters life. Made her think how life is too short. Why be miserable? (re. our home life)
  
• The OM was recently single and liked my wife. He saw her weakness and pursued her.
  
• My wife liked that someone was charming her. It felt good to be desired again.
  
• It was too convenient to get away with. I let her hang with her friends and trusted her unconditionally. Although she asked me to come join them at the pub or whatever (before the affair of course), I never went! (sigh)
  
• And most important: She didn't have the courage to tell me how she was feeling at the time.
  

Again, there are no excuses for cheating. Only factors that lead to it.

[RepairMinded]

Sorry but you are way off the mark. I can't begin to explain by how much. Lets just say our oldest daughter is a 2nd year college student and doing well and my son is graduating this year with a honours and a scholarship. I only added this information about my daughter to to help explain some of the turmoil that led to the A. I started my thread to discuss the infidelity. If I feel the need, I'll start a new thread in a different forum and we can discuss my daughter there. Thanks.

 

You might want to actually do some reading on family dynamics. Often a child in a family with various problems unconsciously takes on the role of "family scapegoat" or "black sheep" and acts out in response to the taking on of that role.

 

Additionally it seems by the mention of your two children who are doing well you are more than happy to take the credit for raising the two well-adjusted children, which is fine, but indicates a contradiction in your thinking on this subject.

 

Edit: You also mention various other issues such as three months without sex, your depression, and an obvious lack of adequate communication between you and your wife. I'm not sure why you believe none of these problems are relevant to the 8 member team. Were they even told about them?

Edited June 24, 2011 by RepairMinded

[In Like Flynn]

Her friends that did know about the A are not really talking to her much. Because at the time they told her it was wrong but her decision. Also they were telling her to end the A and fix our marriage

 

Curious what was your source for this about her girlfriends? I ask because if the source is your wife she may just say that so she doesn't lose her friends. If its from the friends then wht would they admit they knew and encouraged it etc. Vicious circle.....just take it with a grain of salt.

[Headspin]

You might want to actually do some reading on family dynamics. Often a child in a family with various problems unconsciously takes on the role of "family scapegoat" or "black sheep" and acts out in response to the taking on of that role.

 

Additionally it seems by the mention of your two children who are doing well you are more than happy to take the credit for raising the two well-adjusted children, which is fine, but indicates a contradiction in your thinking on this subject.

 

Edit: You also mention various other issues such as three months without sex, your depression, and an obvious lack of adequate communication between you and your wife. I'm not sure why you believe none of these problems are relevant to the 8 member team. Were they even told about them?

Yes and she's doing great.

[Headspin]

Her friends that did know about the A are not really talking to her much. Because at the time they told her it was wrong but her decision. Also they were telling her to end the A and fix our marriage

 

Curious what was your source for this about her girlfriends? I ask because if the source is your wife she may just say that so she doesn't lose her friends. If its from the friends then wht would they admit they knew and encouraged it etc. Vicious circle.....just take it with a grain of salt.

 

My W told me and I saw some of the emails to back it up. They weren't encouraging it. While warning her of her actions, they left her fate in her own hands.

[Space Ritual]

May I ask the obvious question after reading this entire thread(which I did with a boatload of salt)?

 

What pray tell SPECIFICALLY is being done as far as IC and or MC? I only saw a passing reference to "talking to a counselor"....

 

As completely dysfunctional as the principals are presented, one would certainly think that if the OP can afford a Psych Team for his child that he would be able to afford INTENSE IC and MC for both himself and his wife. With the Litany of "contributing factors" expressed by the OP it still boils down to the real fact that both you and your wife made CHOICES.

 

Have you even considered perhaps intensive 12 step programs?

 

However, in fairness we must take your account at face value.

 

Sorry, I simply am very skeptical. So that being said I am just going to float it out there what I suspect more than one person who has perused this highly entertaining, if sordid tale has thought after reading it...

 

At best, yourself and your wife have no sense of boundaries, nor of respect to the sanctity of marriage, and suffer form some serious emotional and alcohol related issues that will take YEARS to even scratch the surface of. At worst you are decent creative writer....

[Headspin]

What pray tell SPECIFICALLY is being done as far as IC and or MC? I only saw a passing reference to "talking to a counselor"....

We are seeing a marriage/couples counselor. She is helping us determine if we need individual counseling. So far she/we don't think so. Also we are seeing our own family doctors and discussing health related issues.

 

Have you even considered perhaps intensive 12 step programs?

I think I really blew the drinking aspect of this story out of proportion. Let me try to explain. We both lived our lives without relying on alcohol to function. For most of my life I wouldn't drink during the week and often go months without a drink. My wife drank even less. She's a fitness nut. It's just that sometimes when we did drink we could take it too far. By too far I mean, we felt hung over the next day. I'm pretty sure a lot of people out there (that drink to the point of hangover) don't consider themselves alcoholics. Recently, yes, the drinking increased for both of us. Hers because she became surrounded by a group of party people and followed there lead. Mine because I became depressed and used alcohol to numb the pain. Because of all this I used the terms "alcohol abuse", "drunk", and "bombed" many times in the story. I think I weighed too heavily on that aspect of our lives. However, it was still a contributing factor at that time (especially the one "party" night). We have chosen not to drink now because we want to try and recover our marriage with a clear mind and see everything in it's true colors, and not a foggy haze.

 

Sorry, I simply am very skeptical. So that being said I am just going to float it out there what I suspect more than one person who has perused this highly entertaining, if sordid tale has thought after reading it...

 

At best, yourself and your wife have no sense of boundaries, nor of respect to the sanctity of marriage

We do have a sense of boundaries and we do respect the sanctity of marriage. However, we allowed ourselves to forget when it seemed everything else was falling apart. We are getting that back, this time stronger than before and we won't make the mistakes that led to the previous mess.

 

you are decent creative writer....

Thanks, I wish I was writing children's books instead:o

[drifter777]

 

you are decent creative writer....

Thanks, I wish I was writing children's books instead:o

 

I don't think this was meant as a compliment but rather to express some doubt as to whether your story is fictional. The way you continually rationalize and back-track every time a fact is challenged made me conclude that your whole story is a load of crap.

[Headspin]

The way you continually rationalize and back-track every time a fact is challenged made me conclude that your whole story is a load of crap.

 

Please give me an example of back-tracking in my posts. I can assure you it's no "load of crap". I wish it was. I wrote all the details as I saw them at the time.

[Headspin]

you are decent creative writer....

Thanks, I wish I was writing children's books instead.

I don't think this was meant as a compliment but rather to express some doubt as to whether your story is fictional.

I was trying to lighten the mood. I know what he meant. After months of misery I could use some light humor here and there. See it as you will.