Major Life Change - Now Marriage is Decaying

[ParadiseShift]

I need some Perspective here:

 

My lady and I have been dating on and off for about 13 years (since high school). We have been married for the last five. We are both young (late 20's) and have no kids. Nor do either of us want kids.

 

When we first married my wife was attending school to be a pharmacist and i was working a lucrative job that required a lot of travel that i loved. I was gone most of the time. She decided that chemistry is too hard so she attended law school. Then law school just wasn't for her so she dropped out and didn't do anything for a year. All the while i have been finding great success in my career.

 

She finally decided to go back to school to be a nurse, much to my dismay. I had been working towards a normal 9 to 5 job when she decided to make this change. Now she is signing up for a job that requires night/swing shift just as i finally stop traveling.

 

I have been home for six months working normal hours in the south and she is about to graduate.

 

That said. We have not been getting along. I am used to a great deal of freedom being that i was in NY city most of the time alone. I am social and make friends easily. She has become a weight on my shoulders that guilt trips me for going out after work. Something that was standard in my life until now. She refuses to come with me saying she does not like to just sit at bars and drink. This is not what I do. Normally there is a lively discussion of science and politics when i am out (I work in Tech.) Not sitting in a dark bar staring at the wall. Nor do I stay out late as I am ready for bed at 10pm.

 

I can't stand this feeling of resentment that i am developing. I love her and always have, but our interest do not seem to align. It wasn't so obvious when i was gone for two weeks at a time and we spent the weekend i came home sitting around. Now all she wants to do is sit around. She has stated in individual accounts that she hates my friends. So it's like I'm juggling being me and being with her.

 

I don't know what to do? Am I completely wrong to want to socialize with all the people I have come enjoy? I want her to join in the fun but she simply will not? She always says that she wants me to want to spend time with her, but I like being around groups sometimes. I get kind of nuts when I go home every night and end up just cleaning (spending 7 years in hotels has had some OCD impacts on my life.) She is a bit of a slob, but we don't fight about it. Instead I just clean up after her.

 

Our situation is unlike anyone else i know so maybe you guys can help.

[lordWilhelm]

A couple of questions.

 

Did she say what she doesn't like about your friends?

 

Does she have friends of her own that she hangs out with?

[whichwayisup]

Balance.

 

You need together time as well as time apart.

 

How often do you go out without her?

 

How often do you two go out together and do (1) what she wants to do, and (2) what you like to do?

 

Yup, you two should go out on date nights. go for walks in the evenings.. And, compromise!! Each of you have to have your own friends and things to do apart, but not every night, obviously..

 

She needs her friends too, see family and relatives etc., instead of sitting at home doing nothing.

 

Maybe too, some marriage counselling could help?

 

I have a question, is she mildly depressed? Her decisions and changing her mind a lot, and also not wanting to do much except sit around makes me wonder..

[russt]

Your situation reminds me of mine. Neither one of you has cheated, verbally, or physically abusive, drug or alcohol addicts. You sound both like pretty normal people but have grown or are growing apart. I face a similiar scenario, my wife of 4 years, and been in a relationship for 15 years together is a flight attendant. We spent several years in different living arrangements, IE.. Her house, my house, seperate states, etc. The weekends or a week here and there together for several years, was perfect, even if u did nothing together.

But after 4 years of living together now married, she gets home from flying, and after being around so many people crammed in a metal tube, she doesn't want to go do stuff that involves being around more people. I want to go to a restaraunt, once in a blue moon, a concert, a comedy show, the movie theatre, maybe a card game with another couple, go explore Texas, etc...

She wants to work in her garden, take care of her 3 dogs and 3 cats, sew, have dinner at home, watch some dvd we've seen 5-10 times already, be in bed by 830 and up at 5am. I also love her very much but at what point is a few differences equate to nothing in common anymore? Resentment, that word hits the nail on the head, how much can you take before you ruin the core fundamental of friendship with this person.

I don't know what to do either, I have talked to my wife about how I want these things that are missing from my life, she said she would try but she doesn't want to go go go go all the time, I don't either but when she's gone half the week, I guess it would feel like that to her. Have you talk to your wife about this, how you feel, what's missing, etc?

To add salt to the wounds, we had the realtor come out, I'm sick of all the work this huge house in the country takes (I'm a city boy, yep, she's a country girl), and we would lose about 30grand to try and sell this right now, good grief..

Done any counselinng?

 

 

 

I need some Perspective here:

 

My lady and I have been dating on and off for about 13 years (since high school). We have been married for the last five. We are both young (late 20's) and have no kids. Nor do either of us want kids.

 

When we first married my wife was attending school to be a pharmacist and i was working a lucrative job that required a lot of travel that i loved. I was gone most of the time. She decided that chemistry is too hard so she attended law school. Then law school just wasn't for her so she dropped out and didn't do anything for a year. All the while i have been finding great success in my career.

 

She finally decided to go back to school to be a nurse, much to my dismay. I had been working towards a normal 9 to 5 job when she decided to make this change. Now she is signing up for a job that requires night/swing shift just as i finally stop traveling.

 

I have been home for six months working normal hours in the south and she is about to graduate.

 

That said. We have not been getting along. I am used to a great deal of freedom being that i was in NY city most of the time alone. I am social and make friends easily. She has become a weight on my shoulders that guilt trips me for going out after work. Something that was standard in my life until now. She refuses to come with me saying she does not like to just sit at bars and drink. This is not what I do. Normally there is a lively discussion of science and politics when i am out (I work in Tech.) Not sitting in a dark bar staring at the wall. Nor do I stay out late as I am ready for bed at 10pm.

 

I can't stand this feeling of resentment that i am developing. I love her and always have, but our interest do not seem to align. It wasn't so obvious when i was gone for two weeks at a time and we spent the weekend i came home sitting around. Now all she wants to do is sit around. She has stated in individual accounts that she hates my friends. So it's like I'm juggling being me and being with her.

 

I don't know what to do? Am I completely wrong to want to socialize with all the people I have come enjoy? I want her to join in the fun but she simply will not? She always says that she wants me to want to spend time with her, but I like being around groups sometimes. I get kind of nuts when I go home every night and end up just cleaning (spending 7 years in hotels has had some OCD impacts on my life.) She is a bit of a slob, but we don't fight about it. Instead I just clean up after her.

 

Our situation is unlike anyone else i know so maybe you guys can help.

[ParadiseShift]

We have not tried counseling. My lady is rather sullen. I'm not totally convinced she doesn't suffer depression.

 

We do date nights at least once a week. Sometimes we hangout with her family since they are good/fun people, but not very often. She doesn't really have any friends.

 

She did specifically state that she likes two people in my social circle. I know some of this is my fault. It just seems like we do the things I like rarely, and most shared experiences are for her benefit.

 

Good advice on the evening walks. That is something we have been trying with success. I think we need a shared hobby and i need to go home straight from work more often than not. It's just hard for me to adjust to what feels like obligation. Like I'm being forced to go home when would rather socialize. That is a childish rebellion instinct that i am working to get over.

[OldOnTheInside]

My lady is rather sullen. I'm not totally convinced she doesn't suffer depression.

She is unlikely to get better on her own. No idea how it is going to happen, but if she has depression, than a doctor's appointment is advised. Depression can snowball into something quite nasty, I know from personal experience.

 

Sometimes we hangout with her family since they are good/fun people, but not very often.

If the two of you enjoy their company, perhaps you could set up more time with them. Or will that not work?

 

She did specifically state that she likes two people in my social circle.

You have something there. How about you invite them over?

 

Like I'm being forced to go home when would rather socialize. That is a childish rebellion instinct that i am working to get over.

Nothing childish about it. Your feelings are your feelings.

 

If your wife is an introvert, then you should proceed with baby steps. I know this, because my ex-wife was quite similar. Although we go out quite often in contrast to your situation.

[Deanster]

DTMFA. You're actually in the same place for the first time since you've been married, and discovering you're not very compatible in how you want to live. You have no kids, no major obligations... move on, and consider it a relatively cheap lesson.

 

Take great care to not get her pregnant while you're figuring out what to do. Fastest way in history to limit your options for the next 20 years.

[JeffWinger9]

DTMFA. You're actually in the same place for the first time since you've been married, and discovering you're not very compatible in how you want to live. You have no kids, no major obligations... move on, and consider it a relatively cheap lesson.

 

Take great care to not get her pregnant while you're figuring out what to do. Fastest way in history to limit your options for the next 20 years.

 

I agree with this advise completely. You should move on while the commitment level is low.

 

Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant unless you're damn sure everything else is straight and that you're staying with this woman for the next 16-20 years (which sounds like a prison sentence right now).

 

I've made the mistake of having a child when my relationship was already rocky. And, trust me a child doesn't do much to help. Also the child doesn't deserve it.

 

You're used to freedom. She's not willing to give it to you. Not to say any one of you is at fault. But, you may not be meant for each other. Keep or lose, whatever you want to do with this relationship, right now is as good a time to do it as there will ever be.

[turnera]

For one thing, not all nurses work shifts. Many work in doctors' offices or clinics. Have you even discussed it?

 

Also, it doesn't sound like you two are communicating at all. You should be spending 15 hours a week together doing non-work/housework-related stuff. Hard work? Yeah, but your marriage is worth it. Something about her made you want her. Or are you just saying you have wanderlust and want out? You need to be truthful to yourself first.

 

Also, women need a focus just like men. If you've been letting her just sit around at home with no expectations, then you're your own worst enemy. Sit down and talk about what each of you is bringing to the marriage. If she's in school, fine, no work - but that means she's the SAHS and she OWES the marriage a certain level of housework. And if she doesn't want to do the housework, she can get a part-time job and pay for a housecleaner.

 

Finally, there are a LOT of things you could be doing together, you just have to work on it. Here's a list of ideas:

Read a book together

Take turns picking out a movie to watch

Bring out the board games, at least once a week

Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month

Start gardening together

Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits

Take walks

Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball

Get bikes and start riding bikes together

Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year

Plan some day trips, start taking one every month

Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it

Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 invitations to grrreat sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening

Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)

Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together

Give each other foot rubs

Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages

Go back to school together

Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)

Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club

Volunteer together

Join a church or get more involved in your church

Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other

Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together

Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house

Start a business together

Organize a block party

Organize a family reunion

Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together

Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions

Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.

Edited June 22, 2011 by turnera

[oldguy]

I need some Perspective here:

 

My lady and I have been dating on and off for about 13 years (since high school). We have been married for the last five. We are both young (late 20's) and have no kids. Nor do either of us want kids.

 

When we first married my wife was attending school to be a pharmacist and i was working a lucrative job that required a lot of travel that i loved. I was gone most of the time. She decided that chemistry is too hard so she attended law school. Then law school just wasn't for her so she dropped out and didn't do anything for a year. All the while i have been finding great success in my career.

 

She finally decided to go back to school to be a nurse, much to my dismay. I had been working towards a normal 9 to 5 job when she decided to make this change. Now she is signing up for a job that requires night/swing shift just as i finally stop traveling.

 

I have been home for six months working normal hours in the south and she is about to graduate.

 

That said. We have not been getting along. I am used to a great deal of freedom being that i was in NY city most of the time alone. I am social and make friends easily. She has become a weight on my shoulders that guilt trips me for going out after work. Something that was standard in my life until now. She refuses to come with me saying she does not like to just sit at bars and drink. This is not what I do. Normally there is a lively discussion of science and politics when i am out (I work in Tech.) Not sitting in a dark bar staring at the wall. Nor do I stay out late as I am ready for bed at 10pm.

 

I can't stand this feeling of resentment that i am developing. I love her and always have, but our interest do not seem to align. It wasn't so obvious when i was gone for two weeks at a time and we spent the weekend i came home sitting around. Now all she wants to do is sit around. She has stated in individual accounts that she hates my friends. So it's like I'm juggling being me and being with her.

 

I don't know what to do? Am I completely wrong to want to socialize with all the people I have come enjoy? I want her to join in the fun but she simply will not? She always says that she wants me to want to spend time with her, but I like being around groups sometimes. I get kind of nuts when I go home every night and end up just cleaning (spending 7 years in hotels has had some OCD impacts on my life.) She is a bit of a slob, but we don't fight about it. Instead I just clean up after her.

 

Our situation is unlike anyone else i know so maybe you guys can help.

 

We have not tried counseling. My lady is rather sullen. I'm not totally convinced she doesn't suffer depression.

 

We do date nights at least once a week. Sometimes we hangout with her family since they are good/fun people, but not very often. She doesn't really have any friends.

 

She did specifically state that she likes two people in my social circle. I know some of this is my fault. It just seems like we do the things I like rarely, and most shared experiences are for her benefit.

 

Good advice on the evening walks. That is something we have been trying with success. I think we need a shared hobby and i need to go home straight from work more often than not. It's just hard for me to adjust to what feels like obligation. Like I'm being forced to go home when would rather socialize. That is a childish rebellion instinct that i am working to get over.

 

It's all about compromise & change. Life with another person is always going to be difficult at first. Just because your married doesn't mean you have to be one person but you do have to find common ground as has been suggested by others here. It also means you have to give each other some space. The trick is to continue to grow & to grow together not apart. That takes effort, communication, compromise, by both of you, & even stated agreements.

 

Seeing a counselor or relationship therapist doesn't mean you need someone digging up mommy issues, it can be someone who knows how to give you and your wife the tools, materials & maybe even suggestions you need to design your own personal life together. And maybe help you work out the rough edges until you get the hang of it.

Edited June 22, 2011 by oldguy

[turnera]

Seeing a counselor or relationship therapist doesn't mean you need someone digging up mommy issues, it can be someone who knows how to give you and your wife the tools, materials & maybe even suggestions you need to design your own personal life together. And maybe help you work out the rough edges until you get the hang of it.

Exactly. They will do what YOU want them to do.

[hoping2heal]

Something that struck me was when you mentioned that you did not like the idea of her becoming a nurse and now just as your job is settling down she is going to be working night shifts, etc. All the while bearing in mind that you held a career that meant you were away from her quite often but she still stayed in the marriage. You come across as though you think marriage is one big party in your honor and that you should have things suited to your preferences and tastes and that is that.

 

Now you are becoming resentful because no longer are things going the way of..well..your way. This is not being said to nitpick at you or call names but have you took a long hard look at your own behavior and thoughts and came to the conclusion that you might be acting selfishly..