Not coping at all

[Icanseethelight]

This is basically a continuation of my story in this ([COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276889/[/COLOR]) thread.

Btw I see now that I didn't get to reply to everyone so thank you for the replies.

Please read above post to understand the situation.

 

(I'm going to stick to this section as I see how anyone who is part of an affair gets battered anywhere else on this site.)

 

So after we slept together and he freaked out everything went back to normal, he said we should just be strong from now on. We carried on talking everyday but kept it friendly and met up a couple of times (with others) without anything happening.

 

After a couple of weeks he finally brings up what we did and says the reason he got really upset was because he felt I was judging him as beforehand I kept saying no to his advances. After this talk I guess our conversations and how we were with eachother went back to being more than friendly.

 

One day he got the bad news that he was getting kicked out of where he lives and doesn't have the money for a new place. Soon after he drops the bombshell that he will be moving in with his girlfriend as it's the only way he can afford staying in the city. Moving in with her is not want he wanted and he even asked me to help think of alternatives for him but there weren't any. After her last visit he even almost split with her (it wasn't a lie, had nothing to do with me). Anyway, he said he will only get a 6 month lease in case it doesn't work out and he will have a job by then anyway.

 

I express that I'm upset as I don't see how our friendship can continue the way it is if he is living with her. He says our friendship won't end and he comes up with ideas/options for things to go on as similarly as possible. His ideas ranged from me befriending her so that things will be easier for us to me trying to join their relationship so we can spend loads of time together ect. I, understandably, am not interested in the latter but he really wants it and hasn't been able to let it go of the idea. He hasn't stopped bringing it up over this time even though I always have said no and it's caused many arguments. He doesn't see how I can be upset about anything when I have that option and he gets upset when he realises it's not happening.

 

One day I'm speaking to him online and he is acting pretty odd and distant, so I call him. He's sounding depressed and then tells me that his girlfriend has said that she doesn't want for me and him to speak anymore. He then comes to the decision that we'll just carry on speaking but won't tell her.

The next day he drops the bombshell that he has to move back to his home town for a short while as he is being kicked out early and their new place will not be ready yet.

The NEXT day happens to be the day of his birthday celebrations, and now his last night in town. Throughout the night people keep asking about his new girlfriend and his responses are very hurtful to me. But still, I end up having sex with him. I know it was a bad move but I figured it would be the last time I would get that opportunity for a long time, if ever.

 

A few days later I send her a facebook message apologising for making her feel uncomfortable (his idea). She writes back saying that he and I cannot be friends because of our history and she is putting her foot down. I tell him about the message and he calls her. They argue about it and he defends me. He says that I'm one of his best friends and even tells her that he gets something out of me that he can't get out of her. The whole thing was never really resolved and he tells me that he'll sort it out with her when she comes to visit him (monday) and they can talk face to face.

 

On sunday night we were chatting online and it turns into a highly sexually convo (it's clear he wants to continue the sex). Before he goes to sleep he tells me that when we next speak it is likely she'll be with him and he tells me a code he'll use if she is not there and to make sure it is him I'm talking to.

 

From monday I decide to go on a temporary NC as I didn't want to contact him before he contacts me. It's now been 4 days without contact and I'm not coping. On the first day I was fine but have gotten progressively worse. The last 2 days I've just kept crying and have barely left my bed. It's 11:30pm and I haven't even eaten today.

 

The worse part is how much I miss him. I'm used to speaking to him every day for hours. And the fact that he is with her is very hurtful. Also, I have no clue what's going on. Anything could have happened. He could have decided he won't speak to me anymore. I caved in and texted him today a simple and innocent 'Hi, how are you?' and he hasn't responed. I don't see how hard it is to reply to an innocent text like that. I'm worried. This is killing me.

 

I know everyone here will advise me to cut him off asap. But I can't do that at this point. I want us to be able to be friends. I would just like to know ways of coping right now.

 

I hope no one here will judge me. I know I haven't behaved admirably but I'm not a bad person.

 

Thanks for reading.

[whichwayisup]

He is hurting you, and even as a friend he will still hurt you.

 

I know you don't want to hear this but you need to distance yourself and detach. Work on that and then as time goes on, walk away. You are in NC mode now but when he contacts you again, and he will, I know you'll cave.

 

I have no idea his intentions, whether he is really going to end with her eventually or not, but the way he is acting and the fact he HAS chosen her over you isn't a good sign for you.

 

No good is going to come of this and sadly, you are going to have your heart broken even more than it is now.

 

If you chase him, things will get worse and worse. He's got his girlfriend fighting for him and he is listening to her now by not contacting or replying back to you.

 

A friendship can't happen. It just won't work. Sorry I know you're hurting and all but this is the best I can do..I just can't encourage you to go for him when he is treating you so crappy and still with his gf.

[Breezy Trousers]

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling and truly understand how difficult NC can be. I believe you are being manipulated by an older man and he is playing not only you but his gf. He has shown you that he has NO plans to leave his current relationship and just calls or has time for you when she is traveling. He is sadly using you for sex and perhaps conversation when it suits him. You are being used. You are worth SO much more than this. Do you believe that?

 

Please, please, please go NC. The longer this continues the harder it will be. I believe it is inevitable that this will end, and may have already. Calling, texting, just makes the pain continue and prolongs the journey to your recovery.

 

Do you have girlfriends/family/friends you can hang out with this weekend? I'd think the last thing you need to do is lay in bed all weekend thinking about this guy. Try and surround yourself with people who care about you and will be a soft place for you to fall.

 

I hope you feel better. Please post here when you feel tempted to make contact or need support. You'll find a lot of people who have/are going through situations very similar to you

 

<hugs>

 

 

When you're ready to let this go, you will. You may not be sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. Attachment/addiction isn't the same thing as love, but both can be very difficult to end.

 

NC only works when you quit focusing on AP and focus solely on yourself and others. If you're still obsessed with AP, you're still in the affair. (Easier said than done, of course.)

 

My girlfriend and her MM have instituted NC many times. There's the usual rush of excitement & flattery that she might "mean something" to MM because he is asking to re-institute contact. Then he goes back to acting like she doesn't mean much at all. So the pain sets in again. So then she institutes NC. Then he calls her, and she gets happy again. And the cycle begins again. It's been three years now, and the highs are mostly lows.

 

If and when you do institute NC, follow Wisernow's suggestions. Understand that the longer you stay in an affair which is not serving you, the more your esteem will plummet because you are placing your happiness in an emotionally unsafe person's hands. Do you really want that for yourself?

 

P.S. You can't stay friends with this guy. Sorry. It's a fantasy. Maybe in 5 to 10 years. Maybe never. But certainly not now.

[fooled once]

You are 19 years old. He is not the great love of your life.

 

He is a guy who is using you for sex when his girlfriend isn't around.

 

He wants you to become friends with her? How sick is that? He wants you, him and her to have sex? Again, how sick is that!

 

And you - you would do the befriending JUST to keep him happy?

 

How low are you going to go to stay in his life? How much are you willing to lose of YOU just for some guy? He is a cheater and a liar. He has betrayed his girlfriend and I would bet he is betraying you.

 

Of course if he wanted to text you he could. He could always text you from the bathroom, but he has CHOSEN not to. His girlfriend isn't connected to him 24/7. He has made the choice to ignore you.

 

And you are falling apart because this guy hasn't contacted you? Can't you see what this is doing to YOU???

 

You and he can't be friends and I would bet he is telling his girlfriend how you keep calling him/texting him and how you won't leave him alone. Who knows, he could tell her how you have this huge crush on him and he thinks you are a silly, immature little 19 year old. He is playing you and you are letting him.

 

He will contact you soon and tell you how he just didn't have a spare moment to contact you and how he misses you and blah blah blah. You will be sooo excited to hear from him and be falling all over yourself to see him, to be with him, etc. He will have a good laugh about how he has you chasing him.

 

Where is your pride and dignity? He is not the love of your life. He is a cheater who doesn't know how to spell loyalty. He is a coward. He is lying to his girlfriend.

 

Why did he get KICKED OUT of where he lives? And he has no job? Yeah, real winner there.

 

Find your backbone and your pride. YOU DESERVE better. You should never ever be willing to sell your soul for someone who lies, cheats and has no respect for YOU or his girlfriend. Do you think by trying to be "friends" with him that one day he will say "Gee, why don't I dump my girlfriend and be with her?" He isn't going to say that. If he thought that, he would have DONE THAT already. Stop letting him use you. Stop letting him control you.

 

There a billions of men out there. This is NOT the guy for you. I know you probably won't listen to many of us - but come and check back in a year from now and re-read your old threads. I would bet you would want to kick yourself for how all ga-ga you were over this guy. He just is not worth it.

[Icanseethelight]

He is hurting you, and even as a friend he will still hurt you.

 

I know you don't want to hear this but you need to distance yourself and detach. Work on that and then as time goes on, walk away. You are in NC mode now but when he contacts you again, and he will, I know you'll cave.

 

I have no idea his intentions, whether he is really going to end with her eventually or not, but the way he is acting and the fact he HAS chosen her over you isn't a good sign for you.

 

No good is going to come of this and sadly, you are going to have your heart broken even more than it is now.

 

If you chase him, things will get worse and worse. He's got his girlfriend fighting for him and he is listening to her now by not contacting or replying back to you.

 

A friendship can't happen. It just won't work. Sorry I know you're hurting and all but this is the best I can do..I just can't encourage you to go for him when he is treating you so crappy and still with his gf.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to distance myself at the moment but he has now replied to me and I replied back. But that was a couple of days ago.

 

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling and truly understand how difficult NC can be. I believe you are being manipulated by an older man and he is playing not only you but his gf. He has shown you that he has NO plans to leave his current relationship and just calls or has time for you when she is traveling. He is sadly using you for sex and perhaps conversation when it suits him. You are being used. You are worth SO much more than this. Do you believe that?

 

Please, please, please go NC. The longer this continues the harder it will be. I believe it is inevitable that this will end, and may have already. Calling, texting, just makes the pain continue and prolongs the journey to your recovery.

 

Do you have girlfriends/family/friends you can hang out with this weekend? I'd think the last thing you need to do is lay in bed all weekend thinking about this guy. Try and surround yourself with people who care about you and will be a soft place for you to fall.

 

I hope you feel better. Please post here when you feel tempted to make contact or need support. You'll find a lot of people who have/are going through situations very similar to you

 

<hugs>

 

Thanks for the reply. I have spent time with friends/family this weekend. Some has helped, some hasn't.

But honestly, I can't agree with these inevitable 'he's only using you for sex' replies. Since last summer we have spoken to eachother pretty much everyday, for hours and hours. We have built a close friendship. I know he counts me as one of his best friends.

 

 

When you're ready to let this go, you will. You may not be sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. Attachment/addiction isn't the same thing as love, but both can be very difficult to end.

 

NC only works when you quit focusing on AP and focus solely on yourself and others. If you're still obsessed with AP, you're still in the affair. (Easier said than done, of course.)

 

My girlfriend and her MM have instituted NC many times. There's the usual rush of excitement & flattery that she might "mean something" to MM because he is asking to re-institute contact. Then he goes back to acting like she doesn't mean much at all. So the pain sets in again. So then she institutes NC. Then he calls her, and she gets happy again. And the cycle begins again. It's been three years now, and the highs are mostly lows.

 

If and when you do institute NC, follow Wisernow's suggestions. Understand that the longer you stay in an affair which is not serving you, the more your esteem will plummet because you are placing your happiness in an emotionally unsafe person's hands. Do you really want that for yourself?

 

P.S. You can't stay friends with this guy. Sorry. It's a fantasy. Maybe in 5 to 10 years. Maybe never. But certainly not now.

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t242705/

 

Thanks for the link but I doubt I will be welcome there.

 

 

You are 19 years old. He is not the great love of your life.

 

He is a guy who is using you for sex when his girlfriend isn't around.

 

He wants you to become friends with her? How sick is that? He wants you, him and her to have sex? Again, how sick is that!

 

And you - you would do the befriending JUST to keep him happy?

 

How low are you going to go to stay in his life? How much are you willing to lose of YOU just for some guy? He is a cheater and a liar. He has betrayed his girlfriend and I would bet he is betraying you.

 

Of course if he wanted to text you he could. He could always text you from the bathroom, but he has CHOSEN not to. His girlfriend isn't connected to him 24/7. He has made the choice to ignore you.

 

And you are falling apart because this guy hasn't contacted you? Can't you see what this is doing to YOU???

 

You and he can't be friends and I would bet he is telling his girlfriend how you keep calling him/texting him and how you won't leave him alone. Who knows, he could tell her how you have this huge crush on him and he thinks you are a silly, immature little 19 year old. He is playing you and you are letting him.

 

He will contact you soon and tell you how he just didn't have a spare moment to contact you and how he misses you and blah blah blah. You will be sooo excited to hear from him and be falling all over yourself to see him, to be with him, etc. He will have a good laugh about how he has you chasing him.

 

Where is your pride and dignity? He is not the love of your life. He is a cheater who doesn't know how to spell loyalty. He is a coward. He is lying to his girlfriend.

 

Why did he get KICKED OUT of where he lives? And he has no job? Yeah, real winner there.

 

Find your backbone and your pride. YOU DESERVE better. You should never ever be willing to sell your soul for someone who lies, cheats and has no respect for YOU or his girlfriend. Do you think by trying to be "friends" with him that one day he will say "Gee, why don't I dump my girlfriend and be with her?" He isn't going to say that. If he thought that, he would have DONE THAT already. Stop letting him use you. Stop letting him control you.

 

There a billions of men out there. This is NOT the guy for you. I know you probably won't listen to many of us - but come and check back in a year from now and re-read your old threads. I would bet you would want to kick yourself for how all ga-ga you were over this guy. He just is not worth it.

 

Thanks for replying but again, I'm not going to agree with most of what you're saying.

 

I don't agree he is using me for sex. I can count the times we have actually had sex with one hand. He stuck by me and spoke to me everyday for 7 months when I was agoraphobic and he knew I couldn't see him in person let alone have sex with him. Sure, we've had sex a couple times when she has been away. But we can't exactly do it when she's with him, can we ? (even though he would like that).

 

He definitely ISN'T telling her that I'm not leaving him alone since he has put so much effort into making her see that I'm harmless so that she can accept our friendship. And I know that he has actively done this as I've seen the messages and they've had arguments about this stuff.

 

I have had a couple of replies from him now, though they're not as thorough or consistent as I would like. He first replied saying that she has been looking at his phone and saw me text. Then he just text, after I asked if it was all okay, saying it was fine and asking how I was. He also said they have spoken about me but I don't know what has been said since he hasn't replied to my last text. I know it couldn't have been bad since he used 'lol' in the sentence.

 

He had to leave where he lives because he lived on the top floor and the landlord now wants to work on the roof. He hasn't got a job because he's just finished uni and has graduated with a first. He will be looking for a job now.