Is this normal? Or did I make a mistake?

[ivyvine]

I ended my almost 7 year relationship about two weeks ago and while I was sure I had made the right decision today I just feel so awful that I want to throw up!

 

Quick background: dated all through undergrad and moved in together about three years ago. Things have not been good for a while .... basically since we moved in together. I have tried everything but he doesn't seem to put forth the effort until I threaten to leave - I finally just left. I also haven't felt sexually attracted to him for a while so needless to say our sex life was awful. We had a great vacation out of the country to visit my family planned for next week but now that I broke it off he will not be going. He insists on going but I need this time for NC and to analyze what it is that I'm doing with my life. I know he feels awful that I "uninvited" him but like I said, I need this time to be with family and friends and we've been together almost 7 years and this would be his first trip so I just don't feel it's that important to him anyway.

 

I was certain I made the right choice. When I see him I do still want to hug him and I care about him a lot but in a different way than a girlfriend should. My local support group (friends) have left town for vacation this week so it's the first time I have been alone. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is loneliness or regret ... why did this become so confusing all of a sudden? Suggestions? Ideas? Input??

[light_vader]

Hello.

 

I have tried everything but he doesn't seem to put forth the effort until I threaten to leave

So.. there was something missing and you basically thought by threatening him, he would "change" or "mold" to what your expectations were...

Mistake.

We can change, some small things and even some mid ones that are not really a defining part of your identity or our character...

Except for that, why lying?

I am jealous, will always be, what gives. Next time I must make sure not to pick a girl that is floppy and whorish like my ex.

I am not precisely outgoing and super friendly to strangers. I can be a bit more sympathetic and the like.. but except for that, I am that way, and I love myself. I'll never be the "what are they thinking about me" or "how can I make everybody love me" person.

And I could make more additions to this list.

 

So I guess, your ex had "flaws" you didn't like, why thinking he would change them?

If it was something that doesn't define him, like for instance, not going to... hmmm... let's say.. the movies with you. That's it. He may do that with his next girl but for some reason he never did with you. And he'll realize, shall the both of you stayed together, he would had never done it anyway.

Maybe if you had the relationship some time in the future you'd enjoy yourselves more, but that's life, we are improving our experience constantly (some of us brave enough to, though) and sometimes we meet people at the wrong time. But that's just.. life, you know? Not a burden you should carry in your shoulders.

 

- I finally just left. I also haven't felt sexually attracted to him for a while so needless to say our sex life was awful.

That's important. For some reason you lost that and I think it's a very important part of a relationship.

What would happen if you stayed together, what would happen in the next 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? Would you be an unhappy woman telling to herself "yes our sex life sucks and I have to accept it"?

 

We had a great vacation out of the country to visit my family planned for next week but now that I broke it off he will not be going. He insists on going {...}

Which is very odd. You are not a couple anymore. Why should you the both of you go to a trip together??? As friends?

I think relationships can end in several ways you know. Like, real nice and quiet (I guess it would take both to be really mature) or we can go to the extreme of when things get ugly like in my case and now we don't even say "hi" to each other.

In any case, I don't think you can/should be friends with your past bf/gf. I know some people that say they do, and I could be wrong... but in reality connection is so high that why bother being friends with someone you once thought you'd share your life with? Even if both are over each other for good... what are you guys gonna talk about? Your sex life with other partners? How the "other" is better than you in some aspects?

I dunno.. it just seems odd and weird to me.

 

I was certain I made the right choice.

Are you sure completely? Because it seems you are having regrets.

 

When I see him I do still want to hug him and I care about him a lot but in a different way than a girlfriend should.

It's understandable, you don't hate him and spent the last 7 years of your life with him...

 

Look in any case, from my point of view:

"When love is broken, you're better off replacing it than trying to fix it", like a good friend of mine told me once.

For some reason you just decided things where odd and you couldn't take it anymore.

Now you feel regret... and that's understandable, specially in such a long relationship.

But whatever the reason is.. you did the right thing!

You were just "not feeling it" anymore, so why settle for an unhappy relationship?

We all feel bad and I understand you still care about him and so... (unlike my ex who is now banging half the guys in the office, which is a clear indication that, either she's trying really hard to get over me or simply... stopped loving me a loooooooong time ago, I incline for the second)... and it's hard to move on and feel like you wake up and he's not there and the like.

We've been through that.

At least you don't feel suicidal like some of us did hehe

 

The remorse is fine for now I think.

But now it's time for you to get up and say "YES, I did it. I ended it. Why? Because I was unhappy. I miss him sometimes, that's fine. But shall we had continued to be in the relationship.. things could have gotten worse with time, because I missed the signs and the relationship was going down hill since a long time ago... but fortunately... I was brave enough to flush it down. And if I was unhappy with him it's because he didn't meet some of my expectations, and I will not settle for less, because I'm worth that much that I shouldn't be a conformist, I chose happiness, I chose me."

 

And here is a bunny for you

Edited June 17, 2011 by light_vader