Girlfriend Attempting to Re-connect with Ex-Boyfriend?

[JubbatheHutt]

First off, I use to post here a couple of years ago after having some jealousy issues that were somewhat similar as to those I'm experiencing now (though I can't seem to remember the username I posted under).

 

Let me be frank: I'm definitely a jealous guy, when I need to be. I'm not controlling nor wish to control anyone else in my life; I do however care a great deal for a select few, my girlfriend being one of them, and only want to protect them.

 

Going to try and make this short as I can (probably too late by now ).

 

*My girlfriend and I met in college (senior year)

*She was dating another man at the time who was not treating her well, verbally abusive.

*We became friends and eventually more shortly after she broke up with him near the end of our senior year.

*We've been dating for over 4 years now and have had no issues until now.

 

So basically the ordeal is this: Over the weekend I was visiting my girlfriend. I went to check my school email account using her laptop, and for some strange reason it logged me into her account (I suspect the system did not log her out from her previous session), and right there staring right at me was a recent message from her ex-boyfriend. I feel absolutely terrible for even reading it, but I was both concerned and a bit annoyed.

 

After reading the message, I realized it was SHE who had contacted him, right out of the blue last week. No rhyme or reason to it. Just a "How are you" message asking how he has been and what he has been up to. Equally she shared how things were with her.

 

There were unfortunately more emails, mostly replies from her ex on what he had been up to and what not, nothing indicating her possibly cheating or anything of that nature. What really pissed me off is that she plans on visiting her father this weekend for Father's day, and actually suggested they get together before she heads back to the city.

 

I fortunately/unfortunately do not know what other messages they may have exchanged since this point, and it's sorta eating me up inside. The main issue I have is that this man not only verbally abused her during their relationship, but continued to do so via text message, voicemail, AND emails after they had broken up, even during a period when we were dating...some truly volatile things I wish not to repeat. After we started dating, I told her she should distance herself from such trash, and that I would appreciate it if she never spoke of him or spoke to him again, which she gladly promised she would.

 

Now I have no idea what to do. It's eating me up inside as to why, nearly 4 years later, she would just decide to drop a line to an individual who clearly does not deserve her attention? Is this an early sign that she's ready to ditch me or that she's unhappy? Nothing indicates that we have any issues, and this woman is definitely the woman I plan on marrying. I know I'm probably overreacting here, but what really chaps my ass is that she hasn't mentioned any of this to me, and it's clear she's gone out of her way to do so. I feel as though I can't completely trust her anymore, which is sad over such a silly thing. What scares me more is that I'm not sure I should bring this up, as I admit that the way I found out about all of this was by no means kosher, and I fear she will refute that she can't trust me instead.

 

Working with a broken heart here

Edited June 17, 2011 by JubbatheHutt

[vsmini]

If you want to get to the bottom of this as quick as possible you tell her what you did. You want her to be honest with you? You gotta be honest with her. No other way around it. Even if you feel she was being dishonest first. Doesn't matter.

 

Tell her exactly what happened - how you came upon it - that you feel bad but do want answers.

 

Hopefully she'll be rational and tell you exactly what the hell is going on. She might be upset and has some right to be so but.... Watch out for red flags:

 

Big red flag and you know she's feeling guilty if she goes ape sh*t on you and makes it all about how you messed with her privacy. Again - she does have some right to be upset but if a girl is hiding something (guys too) then she'll make every attempt to get the attention off of her and onto you for what happened. Next thing you know it will only be about that and you won't get any answers.

 

That's how you know some sleezy sh*t is going down.

[JubbatheHutt]

I completely understand that I violated her privacy/trust, hence my reservations about bringing this to her attention. Accidental or not, I know it's wrong

 

The issue at this point in time is that I'm not worried that she is cheating on me with him, but what her true intentions are regarding why she felt the urge, 4 years later, to contact him? I can honestly say she doesn't love him, but there has to be some reason in doing this.

 

She leaves tomorrow morning, and it's been close to a week since I found out. Do I confront her personally or over the phone? Do I try to get to the bottom of this before or after she returns?

 

To be honest I'm not one for confrontation, but I don't want to lose her either.

[Bryanp]

Her behavior is unacceptable. To attempt to plan to meet him behind your back is sending a clear message. She initiated the text messages and now wishes to meet with him again without telling you is a very bad sign. I bet if the roles were reversed she would not be so thrilled. Something is wrong with her or your relationship.

[2sunny]

i would tell her what you discovered. she is now showing evidence of being untrustworthy. since she kept this a secret it will now be difficult to trust her since she had no INTENTION of you finding out about her contact with him.

 

you need to decide if her keeping secrets is a deal breaker for you. having a conversation with her should tell you more about her character.

 

if she gets defensive or tries to blame you for what SHE was doing - that is a very bad sign that she's willing to go behind your back, cause harm to the relationship - without remorse for the way she participated.

 

if she owns what she did, apologizes, and says she won't see him or contact him, offers up transparency and willingness to gain trust back - then you may have reason to see if she's willing to rebuild the trust she destroyed.

 

have you talked to her yet?

[Mr.Harris]

Lesson learned. She cheated with you and she'll cheat on you. Next time find a girl who isn't taken.

[JubbatheHutt]

@2sunny - No I haven't spoken to her, and hence one of my reasons for posting. She leaves tomorrow morning and will return on Sun afternoon. She indicated that they may get together sometime before she leaves on Sun. My major reservations about talking to her before or during he travels is that it may push her closer to this douche.

 

@Harris No one cheated on anyone. So your point is moot.

[2sunny]

secrets are a form of cheating to many...

 

you need to talk to her before she leaves... sometimes - it's getting the secret out in the open that keeps a cheater from continuing with their "high" they get by the secret itself.

 

either way - she will see him IF she wants to - whether or not she knows you know... best to call her out on it asap.

 

you have every right to be angry - and to tell her just that. then stay quiet and see what she says about it.

 

if she is the kind of gal that would go behind your back, keep secrets and hurt you- then you don't want to be with a gal of that character anyway. don't hesitate to allow her to understand how her actions have hurt you.

[Mr.Harris]

@Harris No one cheated on anyone. So your point is moot.

 

No my point is not moot. She cheated with you and now look where you're at: Trying to deal with her callous decision to cheat on you.

[JubbatheHutt]

@ Harris - Your point is most certainly moot. You have no idea of our relationship, and I only gave you a fraction of insight into how it developed. We were complete friends, nothing more while she was still seeing this horrible man. I didn't even let her know of my feelings until several months after she had broken up. So again, please stop judging her or myself based on such facts.

 

@2Sunny - Yeah, I think what hurts more is that she hasn't mentioned any of this to me, and given our long history with one another, and how open we've been until this point, I can't but help to mistrust her. I mean this isn't normal right? To contact an ex you not only had a falling out with, but who was abusive throughout your relationship? Especially considering I've treated her with nothing but respect and love?

 

Man, I've never felt so hurt in my life

[rafallus]

I completely understand that I violated her privacy/trust, hence my reservations about bringing this to her attention. Accidental or not, I know it's wrong

Meh, that whole privacy thing is IMO overrated. I mean, sure, I don't snoop in other people's correspondence, but argument can be made she actually WANTED you to see it, as she was afraid to say it in your face. And then, if you let her know you did - BAM, she will use it against you ("How dare you snoop in my things!") in a flawless display of hypocrisy:

 

So basically the ordeal is this: Over the weekend I was visiting my girlfriend. I went to check my school email account using her laptop, and for some strange reason it logged me into her account (I suspect the system did not log her out from her previous session), and right there staring right at me was a recent message from her ex-boyfriend. I feel absolutely terrible for even reading it, but I was both concerned and a bit annoyed.

Yeah, it need not be accidental at all. It may be, but it need not be. Never admit it to her.

 

She indicated that they may get together sometime before she leaves on Sun.

How so?

 

To contact an ex you not only had a falling out with, but who was abusive throughout your relationship? Especially considering I've treated her with nothing but respect and love?

So no hard sex either <hint, hint>? It starts to sound like nice guy/bad boy thing. Edited June 17, 2011 by rafallus

[Bryanp]

I am going to generalize here for a moment. I have noticed that so often that people who have been in an abusive relationships after a while begin to see this as normal and comfortable. I have constantly observed (I am a college professor) how many women get entangled with "bad boys". I ask them why don't they get involved with nice guys who treat them with respect? My response from them so often is that they are too nice and boring.

 

It seems especially women who have grown up in an abusive family life where the father abuses the mother begin to see this as typical behavior and adapt to it and then find someone who will abuse them because it is normal to them. Nice guys become abnormal and uncomfortable and boring to them.

Again I know I am overly generalizing but it is my observation.

 

In this situation why would his girlfriend not tell him that she plans to meet up with an ex who abused her in a very negative way? She initiated the messages and attempted to set up a meeting with the ex behind his back. He has treated her with nothing but respect. Unfortunately the old saying of nice guys finish last is all too common today.

[2sunny]

now that you know she didn't intend to tell you - and was hiding it from you - allows you to understand she may have done things this way before now as well - and hidden it from you in the past as well.

 

in the end... it's hard to understand if she's honest or not - because she's now proven herself untrustworthy based upon what she's done.

 

i'd bet money she's seen him before = she just hasn't told you about it.

[carhill]

Bryanp raises a good point, and one my life experiences have borne out, including being married to someone who had an abusive background. Such people can process love in ways which are quite unfamiliar or nonsensical those of us who haven't had such experiences.

 

In this case, I would hazard a strong instinct that the lady loves how the OP treats her and, in some ways, him as a person but he doesn't stir her loins the way the past boyfriend did and does. If a woman doesn't want a man around, she can cut him out of her life so completely and quickly that it's like he never existed. She wants this guy, the ex-BF, around.

 

Personally, I'd call this done, learn from it and move on. I would strongly suggest not marrying her.

[Finch]

carhill - I understand why your advising him to call the relationship done and move on, but I think that's a bit harsh and fast. I think Jabba might do better to talk about what happened with his girlfriend first. None of us are mind readers, and the only way to get answers (especially if he wants to make the relationship work, and he sounds like he does) is to tell her he saw the emails, and ask her what's going on. Some discussions about trust and honesty need to take place. Even if it turns out she does have issues or isn't happy, for him just to decide 'she lied, she's seeing her ex, that's the end' won't answer any questions he probably has, and would not offer any closure to the relationship.

I second vsmini - tell your girlfriend exactly what happened but watch out for red flags in her response.

[John Michael Kane]

@ Harris - Your point is most certainly moot.

 

He's actually spot on.

 

You have no idea of our relationship, and I only gave you a fraction of insight into how it developed.

 

If we had no idea of your relationship, you wouldn't be here now.

 

We were complete friends, nothing more while she was still seeing this horrible man.

 

No you guys were in an emotional affair.

 

I didn't even let her know of my feelings until several months after she had broken up. So again, please stop judging her or myself based on such facts.

 

So now you admit to your wrongdoings.

[carhill]

Here's what I keyed in on:

 

"The main issue I have is that this man not only verbally abused her during their relationship, but continued to do so via text message, voicemail, AND emails after they had broken up, even during a period when we were dating...some truly volatile things I wish not to repeat. After we started dating, I told her she should distance herself from such trash, and that I would appreciate it if she never spoke of him or spoke to him again, which she gladly promised she would."

 

Four years is a long time. The boundary was apparently agreed to proactively and mutually back in the beginning.

 

I'll offer an example: This morning, my exW sends me a picture of a 747 landing at SXM, along with a witty ditty (she and I traveled extensively while married). In return, I shared a video of same, asked her for a referral to a mechanic for a friend of mine and gave her the name and number of my HVAC guy in case she needed any work done now that it's hot. All business. No 'honey' or 'let's get together' or 'what have you been doing?'. Her live-in BF (yep, she's had one, since before we were finally divorced) could read that e-mail and not have one whit of concern about what she's up to with her ex because there is nothing demonstrated or insinuated. However, if they had agreed no contact with ex'es, then her proactively contacting me, however innocently, is a breech of that agreement. There was no 'need' to send me anything. We don't care about each other anymore, which is why we're divorced. How they handle things is their business.

 

The OP asked for advice. Having received a lot of 'contact' from married/attached women in my life, as well as being married, I offered a perspective relevant to the lessons I've learned from those experiences. I hope he can find a healthy balance for himself. Me, I'd be gone.

 

If the OP has the 'talk', lays out the evidence, and listens, then what? Here's what I think will happen. She'll either lie or she'll get mad at him for 'ruining' her trip to see her father on Father's Day. If she goes, then he'll be thinking she'll meet this ex-BF and be mad at her and she'll make him feel guilty for that. If she stays, she disappoints her father, and makes him feel guilty for that. Trust me, it's not going to work out well for him if he tries to negotiate this after inadvertently snooping. Mark my words. Women are expert at this stuff.

 

vsmini recently started a thread about a friend's boyfriend getting a lapdance at a bachelor party and how that act had violated a boundary her friend and the boyfriend had agreed upon. Irrespective of the deception involved here, the respective boundaries appear to be of similar importance. The perspectives offered appear to range similarly wide as well. Hopefully they've been helpful.

[Finch]

carhill - I do agree with what you're saying. There is usually no need for anything other than formal or brief contact between exes. And you are right in saying that it seems she violated an agreed upon boundary. He in turn then accidentally at first, (and then purposely) violated an unspoken boundary of privacy. Talking may not solve anything. But then at least the OP gets to say he tried. Sometimes you need to able to do that so you can "future proof" yourself from looking back and wondering how it might have been different if you'd tried to talk about it. The OP said he didn't want to lose this girl, so it didn't seem to me like he's prepared to walk away without doing anything.

You're not wrong, I'm just offering my two cents. I do believe in the saying that "a wise man learns from other people's mistakes; a fool learns from his own". But someone we have to be fools in order to appease our consciences. Foolish humans that we are.

[2sunny]

i wonder if the OP talked to her about it before she left?

[leoc1973]

I think what I would do in your situation is not say anything to her. When she comes back ask her what she did and who she hung out with. If she omits him then dump her ass. I have an ex that hid guys from me too. I am not one bit jealous. I let her go on vacations with her friends all the time and told her to have fun. Maybe I should have kept her on a shorter leash but I just don't wanna live my life like that. I want a girlfriend whom can be in a room with 10 naked gorgeous guys and not even think about cheating. The question is did she leave him with the intention of getting with you or did it just happen after. I saw a movie one time that talks about the 5 types of women one is a rubberneck(always looking around for something better) if she is this type then you gotta let her go. I just did it with my rubberneck woman whom I would have died for but like I said you just can't live your life like that. Test her see if she tells you she met her ex when she comes back. Good luck man! Some women can be just horrible and maybe now you see why he was verbally abusive to her.

[lovinglife12]

what do you mean silly thing?? this is serious!! WHY would she contact someone who hurt her?? something is not right with her feelings towards him....