he took my heart...

[foreverdaring]

So let me try and make this short, my names david, and im 17 and gay. So i had this friend "jake" and we meet in 8th grade, at first i hated him. Over time him and i started talking and became really good friends. Let me remind you guys that i was straight before i meet jake, i never thought about guys like that until him. So over time we would hang out a lot "like friends" but then as time went by jake started doing weird things. Once when we were walking we tried holding my hand and i just looked at him and pulled away i said " what are you doing?" and jake said " my hands are cold." so whatever i let that slide. Then another time we were at the libary and he whispered "tongue me david, i want you to tongue me" i just look aat him and said "whhaat does anyone hear him?" and no one really cared. Over time the way he treated me became normal. I started growing feelings for him, he wasnt just my friend anymore, he was the guy that would walk me home late at night, letting me hold his arm for saftey, he was the guy i would call when i was bored or scared, he was the one i would make plans to hangout with first. Oh may i remind you jake was hated by a lot of my friends because they all thought he was an asshold, but not me, i saw the good in him,i would invite him out with my group even though no one wanted him there. So as time went by i felt me and jake had this "thing" something between us, it was never said or spoken about, but it was there, well at least to me...I remember one christmas he called me and told me to look out my door, i come to find he had got me a wallet that i saw with him one time at the mall, this meant sooo much to me because he remembered me saying that i liked that wallet, its so stupid of me to care that much for something so little but that whole night my heary was dancing. Once we were at the end of freshmen year i told a friend i liked him and the word got out. Jake stopped talking to me and everything became awkward. We never said why, we never said bye, we just stopped. I feel it was more me who stopped because i felt he wouldnt want to talk to me. So i just went on with life walking past him in the hallways as if i didnt know him. Fast forward to present day and im a junior turning senior and im still in "deep like" with jake. Its been 3 years that we havent talked 3!!! And i feel the same for him. Am i crazy to still like someone who doesnt even care that im still alive? Its said that if you like someone for more than six months youre in love, could i be in love with jake? Im actually scared to think im in love with him, how can i be in love with someone i dont even know anymore? The last time we talked i told him to go **** himself. We were at a pary for my friend and he apperently told everyone there that i was the gay kid who liked him and they all laughed, but i was to drunk to notice. I only found out after he left, so what do i do? I called him, but no answer so i texted him, he basically said that i over thought things and that he doesnt want to talk anymore. I cried myself to sleep that night. I was so hurt and angry at the same time, how are you going to stand there and say im crazy? Im sorry but i didnta realize that trying to hold another guys hand wasnt gay? i didnt realized that playing footies and letting me hold your arm while walking home wasnt gay, i didnt know that when you drew me a rose it wasnt gay. I didnt know growing feelings for someone you never intended to was gay! But to this day i havent let him go. Ive been trying to forget him, meeting other guys, talking to people, but i cant, its like hes burnt into my brain. Why does my heart tell me to hold on when everything says to let go? I feel like im wasting time on someone who could care less about me. I want to talk to him, ive thought about it, but then i just feel id look crazy, what am i going to say? "oh hey jake, havent talked to you in a while but im actually still in love with you and i just needa know if you feel the same?" i wish itwas that easy, but im so scardd of being rejected. Im scared that ill know everything hes gonna say. But what pisses me off is how everyone thinks hes gay, like i know its hard to come out TRUST me i did it but like he has me? he can come to me, his "friend" the one he use to like, but he wont hes the jock that everyone knows...and he walked away, taking my heart with him....

[carrie999]

Oh, honey, this really isn't the right forum for you, since this is meant for people who are involved in affairs. I'm responding anyway, because this sounds so painful. Jake sounds like he has feelings for you and is afraid to admit them to anyone, including himself.

 

It saddens me that anyone still goes through that self-doubt and terror of being exposed for being gay. I'm 15 years older than you, and I had plenty of friends in high school who were gay but not comfortable with being open about it, even if their families and friends knew. Straight couples walked down the hall holding hands, but even those who were "out of the closet" kept their intimacy secret. My mom, 22 years older than me, said this was (sadly) light years ahead of her own generation, and that in another 15-20 years, she thought society would progress enough that it wouldn't be an issue anymore.

 

Sadly, this isn't true enough yet. I'm sorry that Jake is putting you through this. However much you love him, know that even if you were straight, the first person you fall in love with is not likely to be "the one" anyway. You're almost out of high school, and you will find a world that accepts you, and one in which you will eventually find love.

 

(And on that note, stop reading this forum NOW. Here you will find out how hard love is, and the screwed up situations that ensue...)