The two different types of denial

[thelovingkind]

I've been thinking about my history of post-break up denial and I think I can identify two quite strikingly different types. I'd like to describe them just to see what people think. (Also, I'm not saying that emotional processes always squish into neat categories, but I just think the distinction I'm making is worth making)

 

Stage 1: Short-term denial

 

This lasts from several days to several weeks (but could be months when breaking up from LTR or during scrappy, elongated break-ups without NC). Basically, you expect them back. Now. It doesn't even matter if they lost all interest and have not made any effort to contact you, you hope or think they still might just snap out of it and come rushing back. You hope they'll want to be friends, and that you can go on friend-dates similar to your couple dates, and that in doing so they'll accidently slip back into the feeling of "old times" and want to give it another shot. Maybe they'll drop you off and won't come up, but you'll give them just the right "look" as you say goodbye that'll send their heart aflutter all over again. They'll be thinking about you that night.

 

I think this denial is actually helpful in a way, because it allows us to stagger the grief and closure process. We can cry with despair in the morning, then we perk up again with false hope in the afternoon. Physically, it is impossible for the full extent of grief and despair to exit our bodies in one cathartic motion. I find this sort of denial helps fan things out. Just don't, DON'T break NC

 

Stage 2: Long-term denial

 

Sooner or later, it starts to hit you. They're not calling. They don't care. They don't really miss you. This is when I find a second type of denial sets in. You no longer need them in your life RIGHT NOW. You don't just tolerate NC, you like it. You're happy to cut them out of your life, absolute NC, for a year, 2 years or more and transition getting them back into a long term project. You plan to go away, start working out and get the body you've always dreamed of. You'll buy new clothes and develop a new, cooler style. You'll get a better job and flat, you'll consciously work on resolving things in your life that were a problem in the relationship (being passive-aggressive, being shy around their friends, etc.) You'll even date new people, not to fall in love, but just to "practice" being a better, more loving, more fun partner. You still hope at the end of this period to re-enter your ex's life in a casual way, hopefully at a time of loneliness and despair for them, and seduce them with your new improved self. You daydream about the moment when they say "Omg, I don't what's happened, but I'm falling for you all over again" and you reply "Oh? Well, I'm not sure how I feel about this, but, I suppose we could try again..."

 

The great thing about this sort of denial is that it's a "fake it 'til you make it" type thing. At first, you're not actually moving on at all. It's all a dumb mind game and you're still trying to lure them back. But over time your life materially improves. You're better looking, you're more confident, you're better at relationships, and before the year (or two, or three) is up someone new (and an improvement on your own ex) enters the picture and the old plan has faded from view. This sort of denial I would compare with stitches that dissolve on their own. The wound seals up gradually and there's no traumatic rupture, the false hope just fades away and eventually you are a fresh person ready to meet someone new.

 

These are just personal thoughts from self-reflection. But let me know if they help you to make sense of things or you have some thoughts about them

[Badenov]

This is quite good, and does make sense. I think it manifests itself in the form of "gut instinct", where you tell yourself what you need to hear because it "feels right." Then you over-analyze every little thing to confirm it. I once told myself a girl who hurt me was really in love with me. Logically, I knew it wasn't true, but it helped get me to the point where I didn't care anymore.

[charly26]

I can indetify a lot with the second stage I think I am in. It's been over six month from the breakup. She hasn't contacted me directly at all and I started to convince myself she's not interested anymore about me. She gives a **** about what's going on in my life.

 

But, in the back of my mind I sometimes think that the improvement I've been doing on myself will attract her to me again, and I'll be the one who will have the last word. Sounds like a movie, doesn't it.

 

Then at moment I'm like "wait, I'm having fun being single and meeting some new people, why go back to a relationshipt that wasn't making me happy the way I wanted?"

 

It's about time and work on oneself that we get through this ugly time. I too believed I'd never find someone I can love the way I loved my ex, but now, I'm sure one day I will love even more.

 

Obviously, at some times, I have bad days when I remember the good times with her, the feelings, emotions, wanting to hold hands, and have definite plans for the weekend. We are humans, and it's ok. What I do is try that those things don't hold me back in my life.

 

I hope my experience helps people reading it.

Take care

[Nohbody]

Ha ha ha! You hit the nail on the head. Great post.