always one foot out the door, why?

[lisa]

ever since i can remember (im 40) in every relationship i've had one foot out the door. i've been i several long relationships, 4-5 years and several short term ones as well. but................the whole time i would always be ready to flee. it's like i look and wait for an excuse to leave even tho i love the guy and am happy and maybe even we talk of marriage, i know in the end, i'd back out of the marriage as i am too flighty. i don't know what would make someone act this way? it is really annoying me cause i am with this guy (2 yrs) and am still doing it and it's like an obsession or something stupid, as i look and wait for him to screw up so i can leave and go back to my home town, or just not have to deal with someone else around. yet, i'm so very much in love with him and he is such a good man, he takes care of things, is very responsible, treats me so very nice. why would i want to leave him, he would be a great catch with another women who could appreciate his gualities. yet, here i am wondering when we will get in a fight (THE BIG ONE) so i'll have an excuse to leave. i don't go all through the day thinking this, it's just at times,nothing seems to set it off, it is just there in the back of my mind all the time, then i almost wanna cause a fight to end it, but i don't want to end it. help ! do i sound confused? i am! what can you think of that would make a person act this way? and what can i do? i am so sick of this indeciveness that i am ready to pull out my hair one day and or pack up and run away from this constant indeciveness the next. help!

[Tony T]

One possibility is you have a very serious, aged, and deep seated self esteem problem. Most likely you do not feel worthy of happiness...worthy of a long term relationship...worthy of love. You probably got this way in your childhood because one or both of your parents put you down constantly or made you feel like crap. When you are bombarded with put-downs all your life, you grow up feeling you just don't deserve love and happiness because you're not good enough. No matter how much the adult Lisa tries to convince herself, she can't even figure out why she tries to escape happiness...but it's because she doesn't consider herself worthy.

 

The other possiblity is you have a serious fear of intimacy because you feel being loved and in a committed realtionship will engulf your entire being and trap you in a sitaution you will feel uncomfortable in. Again, this comes from a screwed up family life where you were abused and felt trapped in a situation you couldn't get out of because you were simply too young and too dependent. The big Lisa wants love more than anything in the world but the pain from the past makes her terrified that committing to a loving relationship will chain her into a hotseat she can't get out of.

 

You probably suffer from moderate to serious claustrophobia too, my guess is. People who are claustrophobic always require an small opening so they can have "one foot out the door."

 

Having insight into why you are this way won't help short term. You have to either get counselling or take baby steps and work yourself through this a little at a time. Your past has robbed you of some very special experiences in your life that can only come from close relationships with people you can count on that won't try to hurt you.

 

You will have to learn trust and so many other things you did not learn as a child. Counsellling, reading books on the subject, websites, etc. are all beginnings of your heealing. You have issues to work on you probably have no idea you had.