How can I forget about it?

[CaliforniaGirl80]

Hi everyone..

 

Short story but nonetheless painful. My boyfriend and I used to be friends for a few years before we started dating. During our friendship I already knew I had some feelings for him since I used to feel bad when he was talking about his ex girlfriend. This ex girlfriend was really important to him and he used to describe her as his soulmate,as a love that only comes once in a lifetime that he will never get over. At that time I felt jealousy but at the same time a bit of peace as I could break free from it by doing my own thing. Since I'm his girlfriend now,there is no escaping it and I have to come to terms with all he has said before. We have fought so much about this since I always bring it up one way or another. Sometimes directly,sometimes indirectly. It is truly driving me crazy. I even want to move out or more drasticly break up with him just so I don't have to deal with the thoughts anymore. I love him dearly but can't seem to forget all that was said before. I just don't believe that his feelings for her miraculously dissapeared and I never want to be second best to the person I love. I'd rather be alone.

 

So how do I forget all that he has said? Or should I just grow up and accept that what was said belongs in the past?

 

Some constructive input would be greatly appreciated.

Edited June 17, 2011 by CaliforniaGirl80

[bikinibeach]

He's not over her.

 

Period.

 

You're going to get hurt. Check out some of my threads, it happened to me. I ignored every red flag in the book.

 

What you are describing is one of them.

 

Let him have his wonderful memories...alone!

[PegNosePete]

Hang on, what? Is he still saying these things about his ex? If so then bikinibeach's advice is spot on.

 

But if (as I thought from reading the OP) he said those things before you guys got together and is now saying that he was wrong and no longer feels those things for his ex, well then it's completely different. Everyone says those things when they think they have found the right person. Hell I said them and now I am divorced so obviously they were not true. I would hate to think that any future partners I have would hold it against me that I said those things to my ex. Any new partner I got would be number 1 in my life.

 

It is true that feelings don't miraculously disappear, but they do disappear in time. How long passed between him saying those things and you guys getting together? And how long ago was that now?

[CaliforniaGirl80]

@bikinibeach

 

I love the 'memories..alone' part..that is exactly what I've been thinking in my mind so long now. Think about her in your own time..not mine. Problem is that everytime I bring it up to him he (like your ex-boyfriend did) he made me feel paranoid and crazy like I was saying totally asburd things and that I was a acting like a insecure child instead of a woman.

 

The thing is that she IS out of his life but that is because she went away. He had no say in it. So he has not been able to convince me that if she would stand on his doorstep tomorrow he would not fly directly into her arms. The sad thing is that I already know the answer to that.

 

Thanks anyway for making me feel a little less crazy. He just can't understand that it is not ok to make feel someone feel like second best.

[CaliforniaGirl80]

Hang on, what? Is he still saying these things about his ex? If so then bikinibeach's advice is spot on.

 

But if (as I thought from reading the OP) he said those things before you guys got together and is now saying that he was wrong and no longer feels those things for his ex, well then it's completely different. Everyone says those things when they think they have found the right person. Hell I said them and now I am divorced so obviously they were not true. I would hate to think that any future partners I have would hold it against me that I said those things to my ex. Any new partner I got would be number 1 in my life.

 

It is true that feelings don't miraculously disappear, but they do disappear in time. How long passed between him saying those things and you guys getting together? And how long ago was that now?

 

Well he doesn't say them now obviously although once in a while he talks about it vaguely 'people who will never leave his heart' or saying stuff like 'Ive known what real love is about'. Those little stabby things he says while he knows that I have issues with the fact that he felt so deeply for her and still has not been able to really really forget her in his present life. She moved on. Married and all. He is still talking about her when they broke up 4 years ago. He stopped talking about her when I told him I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is not over their ex. This was only four months ago. He convinced me he was but I feel that all his actions contradict him. I don't know if I just heard way too much about his love for her in the past or that he really is still infatuated with her. I've never heard him say just regular things about her like he has about his other ex girlfriends. Everything he said about her was so magical and out of this world. Makes me wanna puke. I just can't comprehend the fact that he felt so deeply for her that he would be still talking about her 4 years after they broke up. That says it all really. He would still be talking about her if I didn't go totally berserk on him a few months ago. I am not a crazy woman who wants to deny someone's past. I can hear about all his other girlfriends without caring one bit. But the way he talks about her is so different.

Edited June 17, 2011 by CaliforniaGirl80

[PegNosePete]

Well he doesn't say them now obviously although once in a while he talks about it vaguely 'people who will never leave his heart' or saying stuff like 'Ive known what real love is about'.

WTF he says those things to you??!?! That is totally out of order. He is saying that he knows what real love is about and that he doesn't have it with you. bikinibeach is quite right, he is not over his ex, you need to ditch him and move on. When words and actions do not match, there is something not right and it's the actions that you should rely on.

[Finch]

CaliforniaGirl - Sounds like you're in a tough spot. You heard all about his ex-girlfriend while you and he were just friends, and now that you're together you can't forget the things he said. He also now continues to make comments that make you feel bad and lead you to believe he still has feelings for her. His remarks sound mean - while ex's do come up in conversation from time to time, most people realize that saying too much can hurt their current relationship and will keep their comments to a minimum. While sometimes feeling of insecurity can stem from inside us, usually if you're feeling that way a lot only around a certain person it's a good sign that there's something causing you to feel that way.

 

But you also entered into this relationship with feelings of jealousy already present, knowing full well how he had built up this other woman in his life and mind. I am not in any way endorsing what your boyfriend says, or saying that his behaviour is justified. But you also need to get a handle on whether you'll ever feel good in this relationship, even if the comments stop. If he never mentions her again, will you be satisfied? Or will you always believe he's still thinking about her? When you have sorted through how you feel and come to a conclusion about what it would take for you to be happy, you can then decide whether to work through this problem, or move on.

[CaliforniaGirl80]

WTF he says those things to you??!?! That is totally out of order. He is saying that he knows what real love is about and that he doesn't have it with you. bikinibeach is quite right, he is not over his ex, you need to ditch him and move on. When words and actions do not match, there is something not right and it's the actions that you should rely on.

 

I know. Just hard to accept. Thanks a bunch for your advice.

[bikinibeach]

the fact that he had NO CHOICE in their not being together is also a huge warning sign.

 

f--- him. you (and I) should be with a man who sees YOU that way. not some b--- who won't even give him the time of day now.

 

lol

 

at one point, after our breakup, my ex told me that we should get together again in 6 months or so because she is moving away then........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

1) that's a complete and total pigheaded insult

2) oh so i should wait around for him, let my hopes depend on whether or not she DOES decide to move, and if she does, get together with him and pray everyday that she doesn't move back???

 

don't give them that kind of control over you!! at this point you don't even have to tell him why you break up with him- he knows. don't be specific because he'll just argue and make excuses and try to rationalize it with you and try to make YOU doubt your judgement.

 

tell him it's not working and you are moving on. block his email, facebook, delete his # from your phone and change your number, girl.

 

at first, it felt like "losing" out to her, even though if she wasn't in the piocture, he was still a failure with ego, body image, interpersonal, passive aggression and mental issues.

 

who is really winning here??

 

good luck..email me if you want to talk/advice.

[CaliforniaGirl80]

CaliforniaGirl - Sounds like you're in a tough spot. You heard all about his ex-girlfriend while you and he were just friends, and now that you're together you can't forget the things he said. He also now continues to make comments that make you feel bad and lead you to believe he still has feelings for her. His remarks sound mean - while ex's do come up in conversation from time to time, most people realize that saying too much can hurt their current relationship and will keep their comments to a minimum. While sometimes feeling of insecurity can stem from inside us, usually if you're feeling that way a lot only around a certain person it's a good sign that there's something causing you to feel that way.

 

But you also entered into this relationship with feelings of jealousy already present, knowing full well how he had built up this other woman in his life and mind. I am not in any way endorsing what your boyfriend says, or saying that his behaviour is justified. But you also need to get a handle on whether you'll ever feel good in this relationship, even if the comments stop. If he never mentions her again, will you be satisfied? Or will you always believe he's still thinking about her? When you have sorted through how you feel and come to a conclusion about what it would take for you to be happy, you can then decide whether to work through this problem, or move on.

 

He has built her up allright. Makes me feel like there is no way I can compete with her. Exactly the problem btw cause I shouldn't be competing in the first place. And I know I only have felt this insecure around him and never around any other man I had in my life prior to him.

 

You are onto something with the last part. Will I ever be able to forget his words even if he changed his ways. You are so right that I have to think what I want out of this first instead of waiting for him whether he betters himself or not. It feels unhealthy and toxic and I don't want to feel like this inadequate person anymore.

 

Thanks a lot!! I really needed that last part.

[CaliforniaGirl80]

the fact that he had NO CHOICE in their not being together is also a huge warning sign.

 

f--- him. you (and I) should be with a man who sees YOU that way. not some b--- who won't even give him the time of day now.

 

lol

 

at one point, after our breakup, my ex told me that we should get together again in 6 months or so because she is moving away then........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

1) that's a complete and total pigheaded insult

2) oh so i should wait around for him, let my hopes depend on whether or not she DOES decide to move, and if she does, get together with him and pray everyday that she doesn't move back???

 

don't give them that kind of control over you!! at this point you don't even have to tell him why you break up with him- he knows. don't be specific because he'll just argue and make excuses and try to rationalize it with you and try to make YOU doubt your judgement.

 

tell him it's not working and you are moving on. block his email, facebook, delete his # from your phone and change your number, girl.

 

at first, it felt like "losing" out to her, even though if she wasn't in the piocture, he was still a failure with ego, body image, interpersonal, passive aggression and mental issues.

 

who is really winning here??

 

good luck..email me if you want to talk/advice.

 

Thank you so much!!!! He is exactly like your guy. Especially that passive aggresive part. And I know I should move on. Have tried it a bunch of times and he keeps convincing me that it really is all in my head and nothings wrong.

 

I read what you wrote about him in another thread. He has some nerves allright. We give them the power though. You are so right that we should stop giving them that control.

 

I wish you the best. Everything will fall in its place. Be happy..be you.

Will keep you posted!

[bikinibeach]

ahhhhg!! i know exactly the feeling. i have never felt like this in my life before. i'm just glad that the relationship didn't get more serious and now i know exactly what to avoid or look for when dating in the future...

 

but for now i think i'm good with being single for a while.

 

and remembering the saying that

water always seeks its own level

 

ie: i am too good for him. and the reason why he and her gravitate to each other is because they are both codependent loser/nutcases who will only ever have trouble in their miserable lives. oh well, at least they have each other to watch tv with!! lol

 

and yeah, being angry has helped me alot (see above..haha)

 

i think it's the final phase of getting over someone because now i don't feel sad anymore.

 

the person who i thought existed, didn't.

 

but i still remember the love i had for THAT person, and this jerk won't take that from me. i don't think love just goes away... we can use the energy we had in loving someone else and focus it on some other aspect of our lives to make ourselves better.

 

this is much easier when there is TRULY no contact... i know that now after many mistakes.

[Woman In Blue]

Well he doesn't say them now obviously although once in a while he talks about it vaguely 'people who will never leave his heart' or saying stuff like 'Ive known what real love is about'.

Oh brother, what a drama queen. He sounds like a woman, for God's sakes.

 

When you dump his ass (and you certainly should) I'm sure the next girlfriend will have to hear all about how wonderful you were and how no one can measure up to you.

 

He hasn't been getting into your birth control pills, has he? That might explain the girlie way he's acting...

[April72]

Well my ex-husband I was madly I mean madly in love with. But the realtionship ended. I do still have love for him like I love a good girlfriend... but I am no longer in love with him. I have no desires for him physically. But I said all those things to him and everyone else.... and I meant it at the time... but it died. And I buried it. And now I'm with someone else I love that meets my needs.

 

Of course there's issued there because I feel in 2nd place where it comes to him.... sooo.... good luck.

[BellaBellaBella]

my partner's first relationship is forever ideal. She died suddenly and of course there is the whole, love not to be forgotten. What I realized is this, he has a past, and he said and did things about her that were his feelings then. He idealized her and didn't see the hurt and pain of things. We were able to discuss this. I also feel grateful that he could learn from mistakes made with her and I concentrate on what I give him and what he gives me. I think you need to look at his emotional needs and yours and concentrate on fulfilling those not on a past realtionship.

[kourtney01]

WTF he says those things to you??!?! That is totally out of order. He is saying that he knows what real love is about and that he doesn't have it with you. bikinibeach is quite right, he is not over his ex, you need to ditch him and move on. When words and actions do not match, there is something not right and it's the actions that you should rely on.

 

I completely agree with this post!

[radiodarcy]

Well he doesn't say them now obviously although once in a while he talks about it vaguely 'people who will never leave his heart' or saying stuff like 'Ive known what real love is about'. Those little stabby things he says while he knows that I have issues with the fact that he felt so deeply for her and still has not been able to really really forget her in his present life.

 

ugh. my ex used to say this garbage about his exes as well. i was always comparing myself to these women. cutting off aspects of my personality in order to seem more palatable to him. it's like trying to compete with a ghost only worse. when i told him how uncomfortable it made me feel and how much it upset me he turned it around on me and said that i made him feel like he can't be himself. never mind that i was the one shaving off aspects of my personality in order to suit him!

 

thank goodness i finally came to my senses and cut off all contact with him. it really is better to be alone and feel comfortable with who i am than be with someone who is constantly comparing me to other women and making me feel like i will never measure up.

Edited June 20, 2011 by radiodarcy