Baubles Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Been off and on w/ my guy for close to 2 years. 3 break-ups, 2 only lasted a couple of weeks. He has never been able to say the "love" word, if that even matters... We see each other exclusively and get together a couple of times a week, thing have been going very good the past 5 months we've been seeing each other...until... We're in a store and I want to show him a ring, he mistakenly looks at engagement rings (which I wasn't looking at). He makes a comment how we're not there yet. so...I push a little, like ...when will we be. It's been 2 years. HE freaks out. I guess I wanted to hear, "well honey, if we're still together at the end of the year then I'll know". Instead I hear I should push him b/c the more I push him, the longer it will take him to get there- and that for the past couple of weeks I had been saying things like "if we ever married...if we have children..." I said that perhaps the problem is that I'm just not the one for him, or this would not be so difficult for him. He said I'm not allowed to bring it up again b/c it makes him uncomfortable. That I can either wait until he's ready or cut my losses and leave him. Now, completely not making sense is that is parents have been in town for the past 2 weeks and every night they went out he insisted I go along (about 8 times)- he then wanted me at the house for a cook-out, shopping, etc and got upset the one night I was busy. Am I stupid and this guy has no intentions of committing and wants to date (or not) forever. Why insist I be w/ his parents all the time? Who I am not close too. Right now, I feel ticked I'm being told what I can and cannot discuss. Am I unreasonable to feel him out on the marriage issue- we have only been back together 5 months. I'm almost 32 and he's 36- neither ever married and no children. I just don't get it. I feel like we should be progressing to something further as things had been going so well- and it hasn't. Am I pushing too hard? Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I don't think you are pushing to hard. you need to get your point across and tell him exactly what you want. he does seem to want you in his life but maybe he's afraid to take that step or maybe he just wants to keep his options open. You'll never know until you show him what you want and that you don't want to be dating for many years to come. i have been with my bf for 2 years, he's 23 and i'm 23. And he is constantly talking and planning things for when we get married. I don't think i would have dated him if he wasn't looking to get married in the future.. We talked all about this since the beginning of our relationship. how can you be with someone when you are unsure where the future is going? have you ever asked him what he wanted out of this relationship and where he sees you guys in the future? Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Whoa! You've been together 2 yrs, and he's yet to tell you he loves you? That's really quite incredible, not to mention a "red flag" in my book. Of course actions speak louder than words......so does he at least SHOW YOU love? But nevertheless, for him to have never told you he loves you, I'd be more concerned about that than his getting all weird about the marriage thing...I mean, would you really even WANT to marry someone who's not been able to say "I love you" in the entire time you've been together?? I also would get my back up and take issue with being "told" what I could or couldn't discuss. Who the hell does he think he is? Your parent? And how arrogant of him to tell you that you shouldn't push him, that he'll be ready when he's ready and if you can't wait until he's ready, maybe you should cut your losses and leave. Wow, really makes it sound like he'd give a crap if you DID leave him, NOT. Are there any underlying problems in your relationship? These 2 breakups you've had....are the reasons for these breakups sorted out? Things resolved? Whose idea, each time, was it, for the breakup? Whose idea after that, was it to "reconcile"? You're clearly both at the age where you should have some idea as to whether you're on the same page or plan. If you're not even able to discuss this, because he gets his panties in a bunch, well then I think you really need to re-evaluate the relationship......because contrary to his beliefs, this relationship ISN'T just about what he wants. The way he responded to you in the store, about the ring.......didn't his reaction seem a bit disproportionate to the situation? I mean, you don't badger him on a regular basis to get married, do you? I guess I got the impression from your post that you don't, if ever, bring this subject up. You seem to have hit a nerve with him. I take it you don't live together, as you'd mentioned that you see him a couple times a week. Any reason why you don't live together? Mutual choice? Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 quote "That I can either wait until he's ready or cut my losses and leave him. " He pretty much summed his feelings up in that statement. Should he be more understanding about your feelings? Maybe, but I doubt he's going to change the way he acts. The fact is, he is definitely not ready for marriage. So you can either wait until he wants to get married (and you may break up for other reasons before then), or you will get tired of waiting and break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baubles Posted April 20, 2004 Author Share Posted April 20, 2004 Thank you all for replies. I just broke up w/ him (over e-mail...weak...but wanted to get all my points out). Last ngiht he was upset his parents who visited all week, only referred to me as "nice"- which is supposed to mean thye don't really like me and they i wasn't myself and wasn't warm enough to them. whatever. it breaks my heart. he appears afraid of committment (or at least to me, he doesn't want to commit) but then is upset i didn't try hard enough to chat up his mother? thanks everyone...I'm almost 32, no need to waste time w/ someone who does not love me. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 That's too bad, but it sounds like you did the right thing. Post if you're feeling bad in the upcoming days. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I'm sorry you had to come to that conclusion Baubles. Two years is a long time to be with someone who doesn't tell you they are in love with you nor wishes to discuss future plans. You are right. There comes a time when you have to ask yourself if the relationship is still worth your emotional investment. If it seems like it isn't.....then it's time to smell the roses and walk away. Easier said than done.....but a damn fine choice. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueHeavens Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Hey.... Ya know, with the parents, it's a 2 way street. Don't take their comment about you being "nice" as meaning "only nice" or "not good enough" or something. They may have known that he was on the fence and not wanted to get hurt by becoming attached to you. And don't forget that it's his interpretation of the word "nice". Gotta wonder, does he tell anyone, even the parents, that he loves them? I'm not sure my ex did. Plus...his comment about how his parents feel...is he projecting his own feelings on them, doing the wimpy indirect insult thing? I was (apparently) dumped recently and I read an article somewhere about how you should be with someone who celebrates you, and I'm trying to take it to heart. I think 2 years is plenty of time. Sometimes it is just the timing...and he might be ready for you next week, or never... Hang in and celebrate yourself, trust me, it's kinda nice! Link to post Share on other sites
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