9 months sinc b/u... strung along for 7

[ventdomain]

Hey all,

 

So i joined this thread because I've been struggling with N/C. I'll give you my story and keep it as brief as possible so here it goes:

 

I'm 24 and we spent 2 1/2 years together through the end of college till a year after graduation. She was my first serious GF. She broke up with me OCT 2010 for a few reasons.

 

1) I was slowly pushing her away, felt the grass was greener and was becoming too critical.

2) Wasn't sure if she was the right one for me.

3) made her feel insecure about her body

4) Her father is terimanlly ill and she said she needed to be home and figure her life out.

 

After she broke up with me I spent the following 4 months telling her how sorry I was for how I treated her. Reminding her of how beutiful she was and how I was just immature as she was the first serious gf in my life. I felt terrible for making her feel more insecure abour insecurities she already had. She by no means had a weight problem, but I was in great shape and had been a prick by trying to get her to work out, eat better, etc. I would make rude comments when she was eating unhealthy but I was never evil or malicious. Never said "you're a fatass or anything", just would be dissapointed when I felt she wasn't being true to her word regarding staying in shape. Anyway, the things I said eventually caught up to me and she broke up with me after a month of me moving away.

 

Since the breakup, she's reminded me that she is still in love with me but she is "hopeful for the future". We agreed we would be always there for eachother and she told me nobody could make her feel so good about what was going on with her father. The truth is, we both really did love eachother and we agreed it was timing. However, the more time went on, the worse she treated me.

 

In Feb 2011, I tried to make things work. I begged and pleaded and she said no. Later found she was dating someone for a couple months and they broke up. I decided I needed to move on and told her I needed my space. However, she kept in touch and I fell victim. I would buy into her hopeful words and the emotional rollercoaster consumed me. I was devestated on a level I had never felt before. I couldn't eat, sleep, etc. She would say some pretty hurtful things to me about how I didn't do this/that during the relationship and she was obviously kicking me while I was down. I was taking SSRI's as well as xanax to deal with panic attacks. She would remind me that she was IN love with me still but agreed we both needed to be seeing other people. I should also mention that we haven't seen each other since the breakup because she said it would be too hard.

 

On May 1st, I couldn't take it anymore. I spoke to her and told her how much pain I was going through. She told me that she loved me, was in love with me, and could see herself as part of my family (something she had never told me before) but when I asked her to see a relationship counselor she said there was no relationship to work on and that it would be giving me false hope. I begged some more but she eventually said it was best that we stopped talking. I then found out that she had been dating someone since April and was bringing him to a wedding I was initially invited to. (I heard this guy is kind of a loser but it's still devestating that he's doing everything that I was supposed to be a part of). I'm sure things between her and this guy won't last forever, but I don't like the idea of them having sex, etc.

 

I haven't talked to her since that day. Her birthday is in a couple days and I won't contact her. How can I wish someone happy birthday that won't invite me to her party and is dating someone else? The point is, she has been so incredibly selfish through this whole process and showed me a terrible side to her character. She is convinced she is still the victim even though her closest friend has told me that she doesn't deserve me and is afraid to have sex with other guys because it may cause problems in the event that things work out between us. I was there for her when she needed me the most and when I needed her the most, she would tell me she cared but that she couldn't do anything.

 

What I've learned: Talk is cheap. So cheap. This person gave me every indication in the world that she wanted to get back together at some point. But everytime I pulled, she pushed me further away. I'm convinced at this point that she's one of the most selfish people I've known and she's admitted to me about some things she's lied about durring our relationship that are pretty dissapointing. My family once loved her and now don't want me back with her because they see how hurtful and spiteful she can be.

 

Just wondering if anyone else has gone through something like this. My counselor told me how bizarre it is that she would say how much she loved me and then say there's nothing to work on. Please tell me this chick is messed up in the head because I'm so tired of thinking about her and what she did to me.

 

In Short: 2 1/2 year relationship. Strung along for 7 months before she intiated NC. It's her Birthday in a couple days. Won't contact her.

[ler1638]

Hi ventdomain,

I am and have been going through somwhat of a similar situation with my ex. Long story short, he has alot of family and life issues that he has to take care of and he broke up with me because he needs to handle all of those things and he cant give me what I need. However, he always contacts me randomly to "check up on me" he says he loves me and he cares and will always care, but he can't have a relationship with me. Some other people responded to my thread about this and they gave me good advise. As hard as it is to not respond when they contact you, you have to try your hardest to not reply because while they may truly care about us its not in the way that we want it. They are only trying to keep us around so that when they are lonely are in need of your help or conversation they know that we will be there because we love them. But that is extremely selfish on their part and we should not give in to them any longer. I told my ex the other night that I needed to move on and in order to do that he needed to stop texting and calling me completely and he said he would because he wants me to move on and find someone better that can give me what I need. Of course, two days later he texted me again im sure just wanting to talk because it was 1:33 am and he was wondering if i was awake. As tempted as I was to text back I immediately called my mom and talked to her and then talked to friends and deleted the text from my inbox so I never responded and never had to see the text anymore. This was tuesday and it is not friday and I still have never responded to him. Im sure hes been thrown off by it because every single time before I always answered him back and this time he got the silent treatment and will continue to get it for as long as it takes for me to move on. So, the next time she contacts you DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER! just remember that she is being SELFISH and you deserve better than that:)

[ventdomain]

Honestly, I'm just afraid if I ever hear from her again. I won't be texting her on her birthday and she is the one that said it was best if we didn't talk. (this occured on the same day she said she loved me and could see herself being a part of my family). It's hard for me not to have hope when she's been so "hopeful" through her words this entire time.

 

Do you think I'll ever hear from her again?

[stace79]

I'm sort of there. My on/off ex is telling me he loves me and cares for me more than anyone else, he wants to see me on the weekends and make love, but yet he cannot commit to a relationship with anyone now and needs to be "single" and "free" to do what he wants. The only thing he's promised is that he isn't trying to date anyone else right now and he wouldn't be physical with anyone.

 

Yes, I think you are doing the right thing by moving on. I think one of our problems is that we want to understand why. We want to believe these people when they tell us "I love you" but their actions do not match up, and so we try and try to internally reconcile these conflicting things, but it doesn't work.

 

And because we can't reconcile it in our heads, and because we can't control our situations, it hurts so much that we have the loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, etc.

 

I'm with you. I've been there before, and I can tell you it does get better. It's just a matter of when. I am starting to talk to other guys now, and I'm going out after work with friends tonight. You just have to find anything you can do to keep busy and keep your thoughts off her.

 

It's very difficult, because if you're like me, all you want to do is go back to bed and stay there. But we can't do that! We gotta keep moving on.

[ventdomain]

It's very difficult, because if you're like me, all you want to do is go back to bed and stay there. But we can't do that! We gotta keep moving on.

 

 

This was my biggest problem. I slacked off in all my responsibilities. My motivation and self-esteem were totally devestated. This girl was very pretty, very, and I felt as though I would never find someone as attractive and sweet. After all the pain, she's showed me that she's not the sweet person I thought she was.

 

She cannot take accountability for her actions and also holds terrible grudges. I never knew this about her while we were dating. Just thought she was being stubborn from time to time, but I was blinded by my love.

 

She would say after we broke up how I didn't lover her for who she was. Ironic how it was her who didn't love me for who I was.

 

The one thing I would totally be warry of is him saying he's not looking to date anyone. My ex told me the same thing. She also told me for months how she wasn't trying to replace me, etc. I found out info about her dating and it hurt me but I rather her be dating a joke than slutting it up even more than she already is.

 

I wonder if she'll ever contact me again. I think she will, but I sort of feel it's already too late.

[Exit]

I'm in this same boat as well. Broke up in March, been in contact this entire time. She still claims to love me, still claims she is thinking about things and trying to come to a rational decision, yet when I try to get her to take that final step and say we are together, it turns ugly. I wrote to her the other day and said okay, you want a rational decision, let's be rational, it was really stupid immature things that broke us apart, maybe if either one of us had been smart enough to initiate a conversation earlier about what was going on we could have saved our relationship, and we deserve another shot. Then the next time I saw her I asked her what she thought of my "rational" approach and she seemed to agree for the most part. We're doing our own things this weekend but I saw her a little while ago and told her again "go enjoy your weekend but then we gotta decide". We'll see what happens.

 

I do not intend to spend my whole summer being in on/off contact with someone. We should either be working on this or spending time completely apart. I never intended to be strung along 3 months either, but I find it unfair that I'm the one who has to get fed up enough to say "We can't do this anymore" when I never wanted the breakup in the first place. She should have to be the one to end it for good. But she may not be able to be that big of a person and it will have to come down to me if she comes back from her weekend undecided again, I'm gonna tell her to go enjoy her summer since she dumped me.

 

So this is obviously not an uncommon situation. I've never had it happen to me before though, my other exes made a decision and stuck with it, or at the very least didn't go back and forth for 3 months. I know deep down this is nonsense and if someone loves me it wouldn't be that hard to decide. I would highly advise anyone who sees themselves being led down this road by an ex, cut all ties and just tell them to get back in touch when they are ready to work on things. I was too weak and I'd rather take the scraps that she gives me and try to play it cool and be fun around her and hope that will bring her back. The other day she even made a comment that she feels somewhat addicted to me. All I've been doing is feeding that addiction without any effort on her part, no relationship. I should have made her miss me.

[ler1638]

All I've been doing is feeding that addiction without any effort on her part, no relationship. I should have made her miss me.

This is so true, ever since me and my ex broke up the first time, he never once had a real chance to miss me..the longest we would go without NC was a month and then we would either run into eachother or he would contact me (usually when he was drunk). The other day was the first time I ever ignored a text from him and its been a few days now and he hasnt tried to contact me again...knowing him I have a feeling that he will try to make contact again especially if he sees me out somewhere because that is what he has always done in the past, but then again this was the first time ever that I did not reply back to him so he may have gotten the message and I may never have to deal with contact from him again only time will tell...but until then its been so much easier everyday that passes that I do not hear from him so have hope it really only gets worse before it gets BETTER! The memories will always be there no doubt but your feelings about those memories will definitley change once you have officially moved on. So, stay strong like I have and make him/her finally have a chance to see what life is like without you.