Fiance's Stress Issues

[kinghippo]

My fiance and I have been together for a total of 5 years. I proposed to her one month ago after dating her for 4 years. We have shared good and bad times together, I decided to take it to the next step and make it official. We have been living together for the past 3 years.

 

One problem that always seems to be popping up in our relationship is related to the stress levels of my fiance. She doesn't deal with her personal stress very well and it has taken its toll on the relationship. I've found that the types of stress she doesn't deal well with are personal stress, work stress and anxiety. To make matters worse, she has a skin condition similar to eczema. When she is stressed out, her eczema gets very bad. When she is happy and not stressed, her skin is perfect.

 

Over the years I've tried my best to lower her stress on her personal life and help her with her anxiety issues. But she always seems to go back to where we started and completely get stressed out about life in general.

 

This is a problem in our relationship because I am starting to get very irritated with her where as before I was very patient. I'm starting to resent her because many of our social activities, travel plans or fun activities together are either cut short or dictated by her stress levels.

 

Some examples of our latest problems are:

 

We'll be out with friends at a planned activity. After the activity has concluded we decide to go out for food/drinks. My fiance will agree to go but when we are in the privacy of our car she declines and thinks we should just go home because she is tired and doesn't want to go. I tell her that it's okay and I have no problem dropping her off, but I would like to go. She gets mad at me saying that we are a couple and need to make our decisions together. In the past when I have neglected to call her at regular intervals in my outing or if I didn't hear my cell phone she will think that I've been in a terrible accident or something horrible has happened to me. She will worry sick, or even call my friends to make sure I'm okay.

 

My fiance doesn't handle criticism well. At her work when she is often told that she did something wrong and needs to fix it, she stresses out and gets very upset about it. Instead of leaving this at the office, she brings it home and often I am required to console her. I am told that I do things wrong at work all the time, but I take it in stride and use it to do better work.

 

When we travel, if I don't have an itinerary of our daily activities including where we eat, she will get very stressed out because I don't have a good plan. For some reason, she is unable to make these plans for herself.

 

My fiance was used to eating supper at an early time with her family. Over the past 5 years she has always complained that she hates eating late. I often work until 5:30pm and don't get home until 6:00pm. When I make supper we end up eating at 6:30pm or 7:00pm. To her this is completely unacceptable and often times I will get home and she will have filled up on junk food trying to pass the time and tide herself over for supper. She is often very mad at the fact that if she wants to eat at 5:00pm, she has to make it. I don't know what to about this because of my job.

 

I am making this post because I am hoping that someone has either been in the same situation as me, or has advice on how I can handle this situation better. Any thoughts?

[JazzyFox]

She sounds like a child. Has she ever learned to live alone or fend for herself?

[Silivren]

I'm sorry but I have to agree. I would be annoyed as well.

 

She seems very high maintenance. Does she ever compromise on things for you, or does she pretty much expect you to make all the concessions in the relationship?

 

It sounds exhausting to me.

[2sunny]

HER stress is hers to handle. IF she would learn to manage stress better she could learn techniques to shut down negative energy in order to reduce stress... it's not YOUR job to try and control HER stress level, it's hers.

 

IF she wants dinner at a certain time- SHE should make it! acting spoiled and complaining when you are working and she is home and perfectly capable of getting dinner ready is absurd. she can buy frozen dinners and heat them in the oven if she doesn't cook. anyone should learn how to cook a bit... even a salad isn't difficult.

 

she should learn that you WILL want to go places without her. for her to get stressed over that isn't realistic.

 

sounds like she needs to live on her own and learn how to take care of herself alone - before ever considering moving forward with you. time alone would help her grow up.

[JazzyFox]

It sounds like you have fallen victim to her wants and desires. Perhaps you should also spend some time alone and reflect on why you feel the need for her to remain dependent and childish. We teach others how to treat us.

 

You cant change her, but you can impose limits and learn to loveyourself and her without such crippling and co-dependent behaviour.

 

Stop rescuing her and allow her the opportunity to take responsibility for her own actions. Your problem seems similar to that of a husband of an alcoholic. There are lot of articles and resources on the web re:enabling. Here is one:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Lewis27.html

[kinghippo]

I found your replies interesting about me enabling her behavior. Though I'm not sure how I "enable" her to act the way she does. She does let me do things I want to from time to time, as the examples posted above are just some of the common problems I have when her stress is at its boiling point.

 

Can you give me some examples how I can effectively set limits to curb her dependent behavior?

 

She also has never lived by herself away from her parents. She is an only child in her family and when she moved away from home to be with me, she was still with her parents at that time.

[Aideseepled]

Доброго дня народ. Ктото, кто покупает чаcтенько Строительными материалами или занимается строительством нужна приличная белая плитка в ванну, собрался ремонт cделать. Поведайте не знающему ремонтнику где лучше брать керамическую плитку матовую

Только самая новая и хорошая керамическая плитка и гранит! Актуальные интерьеры нынешнего года. керамический гранит Мираж Внушающий ассортимент плитки и керамического гранита изготовителя керама марацции также присутствует полный ассортимент и других продвинутых компаний поставщиков. так что дружище обращайся сюда советую, как есть посоветуют

[oceangrl]

Tell her to eat first and that you appreciate dinner, but you don't want her eat unhealthy because of you. Also, tell her its not a big deal if she puts your portions in the fridge. Tell her you don't mind heating it back up. As long as she knows that you appreciate her cooking/buying dinner, I'm pretty sure she'll start to feel more comfortable eating before you get home.

 

When you travel with her, and she is stressing about the daily plan, ask her what she has in mind. Does she want you to choose? Or does she already have something in mind and wants to go eat asap because shes hungry? Some people get irritable when they're hungry so maybe she would be less stressed out if you just feed her asap and go from there. She'd probably be easier to deal with and more willing to just go with it if shes not hungry. If you ask her where she wants to go and she says "I don't know"....then just pick a close restaurant. Tell her if she doesn't like it, then she has to say something because you can't read her mind.

 

For the part about social activities and her wanting you to go home with her....shes probably is tired...but shes also nervous about you going places by yourself. I'm thinking it doesn't have as much to do about you being in a car accident and more to do with her lack of trust. Maybe she doesn't trust you when your out with friends alone? Maybe asking her if she does trust you would open up some issues shes keeping from you about why she doesn't want you going out alone. Has she been scarred from a previous relationship or something? She has some insecurities....thats probably what is causing her to not like you being out alone. You can't fix the problem until you figure out what is bothering her so ask her in an unassuming tone without making her defensive.

 

For the part about her not handling critisism....she is probably young, right? She hasn't had a lot of people yell at her. The only thing you can do is give her advice. Tell her that she can use these situations as learning experiences to help her thicken her skin.