Lillith74 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 My ex and I have been separated for a month. We got together when he was 2 months out of a relationship he left his wife for- and wanted to marry this new woman. We were together 7 months and never fought- We were perfect together and went on vacation together on a wonderful cruise. We were doing the typical I love you testing up until the date of the break up. He had coffee with the ex and they were going to try it again. He dumped me within the hour- but then she decided she didn't want him! He said he still doesn't want me and that he wants the spark he had with her with someone new. We had a great relationship when we were together up till the end- no fights, only love. Do you think if employ a no contact rule that I may get him back? Or any other suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
pd8mxq Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 sorry for being harsh but its tough on this one. He probably wants to be on his own for a bit now as he didnt take time off from the breakup with his wife. Secondly, although you might feel differently, the LOVE that you are referring to might not be the same in your ex's mind. He probably cannot just fall in love with you after merely 7 months. The first few months was honey moon and there's probably no love as he just left the previous relationship. He fancied you yes, and probably liked u a lot but the love level was minimal on his side. And by the time he wanted to leave, it didnt take him one hour to think. He probably realised that 2 weeks beforehand. So I would say you should just move on without him. You should be strong enough to get over a 7 months relationship because its not long. In terms of NC, I think it will help YOU to realise he might not be that special afterall. Time will tell, and time will heal but I am sure u will be fine very very soon. Just stay NC. And it does take gut to go into a relationship with someone who just got out of a relationship. i.e. it takes gut to be the rebound and I am sure u must have prepared for this somehow? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 I think people don't understand that you CAN fall in love in a short time! This man told me he loved me ever day- spent 4 nights a week with me, went on an amazing vacation, had me involved in his kids' lives- and we were planning a trip to Disney in a few months. It was not a trivial relationship- but I do think it was a rebound. My question was: will NC help my chances of getting him back? He has many self worth and self esteem problems- and I think he will get lonely quickly- which is why he rebounded in the first place. And given some of his issues, he is not the most datable person (ie is an alcoholic- non drinking after many years , doesn't want a woman with kids, and cannot have any more kids). I have to think he will miss me and value me more after some NC (it's been 5 weeks since the break up and 4 days of NC). Any input? Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 My question is... if someone treats you as a reboundee, why do you still want to be with him? Going NC.... is not to bring an ex back, is for yourself to move on and away from the break up. A great relationship without quarrels doesn't mean it will be a lasting relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheem Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Hello. I'm offering my take on the situation as I am a guy who is in a rebound r/s but would love to get back with my ex. I split up with my ex then two months later got together with my current gf, let's call her Jane (not her real name!) I was not properly healed even though I dumped my ex. I met Jane, we got on well, had fun, we'vebeen to Paris for a romantic weekend - it was wonderful but it wasn't and never will be love. And yes, I told her I loved her, it was what I thought I felt at the time but I was still healing, it was also what she wanted to hear and as long as we 'loved' each other we continued to have a great time. I would get back with my ex in a flash. I have made a huge mistake and miss her. If my ex doesn't want me I definately do not want to get back with Jane. She is a rebound and I will be ending our r/s tonight. We have discussed and we have had some time apart, now it is something she tells me she wants as well as she doesn't want to 'stand in my way'. Jane is truly a lovely person and any man would be lucky to have her, she's just not the one for me. If she decides she wants NC after we officially call it a day it won't make a blind bit of notice to me - I won't want her back. Link to post Share on other sites
pd8mxq Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Cheem u gave a great perspective from the DUMPER side. I tink this is what I was referring to about the LOVE. Sorry to offend you Lithli but I didnt mean to. What Cheem said is right, the 'love' is probably not true love. It was the moment of heat and fell in love quickly but then when you step back, it actually is not what it seems. Most dumpers who get into a new relationship quickly did not have time to heal and what more important is that, they will not be able to truly fall in love again for a while (well, that is given their previous relationship is a long one, which is in your case). So don't hold on what he said and did during the relationship because now its over. NC will let you to move on, the bi-product could be he comes back. But the true meaning of NC is for yourself to be better on all fronts. It sounds like now he wants his wife more than you. Would you be happy to be second best? Cheem, just wondering how long you and the new gf (which ended last night) went on for i.e. how long was your relationship with Jane and how long ago did u dimp yr ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Cheem Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Cheem, just wondering how long you and the new gf (which ended last night) went on for i.e. how long was your relationship with Jane and how long ago did u dimp yr ex? Well we (Jane and i)started seeing each other back in February this year. I was with my ex for five years and met Jane two months after I dumped her. Jane being Jane just came round yesterday and we talked things through. She is happy to break up so I didn't actually have to finish it with her. She understands we had a rebound relationship as the guy she went out with before me was her rebound after a long relationship. We won't stay in touch but we will see each other as we work in the same area. If we see each other I'm sure we'll say hello but no more. I hope she's happy, she is great and no, I will never want to go out with her again, Been there done that if you see what I mean and it was never love between us. However I do feel she's more cut up about us breaking up than I am, but she seems mature enough to accept it and move on. Now all I've got to do is try to woo my ex! I'm not holding out too much hope ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 It doesn't sound like Cheem's relationship was as long as mine with my ex. You all should know that we not only vacationed together and spent 4 nights a week together, but I was very involved in his kids' lives as well- we were actually planning a trip to Disney with them. I know our love was real- although he has a huge attachment to the ex. But, at this point the ex will not take him back- she almost called the police on him for harassment bc she wants nothing to do with him- AND he has many qualities that make him "undatable" for a new person (he has self esteem and self worth and past alcohol use issues. He tries to overcome that with his physical appearance to the point where he wore a speedo bathing suit on our vacation to make him feel attractive ( it was embarrassing). My point is that I think he is going to be alone for a long time- and again- if I maintain NC, I think he will miss what we had. Link to post Share on other sites
pd8mxq Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Fair enough, only you know best about the relationship you two had. He will miss you no matter what, no matter you NC or not. Just do not get confused with the main point of NC. It is not for him to miss you and evetually come back. But NC works as most people say. Cheem, best of luck in wooing yr ex because I think most of the people in this SECOND CHANCES forum are mostly dumpees and would give anything to have their ex come back to them. So go for it, make her feel you again. Good luck for the two of u Link to post Share on other sites
Cheem Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Hi, Well my rebound r/s was 6 months long, your's 7 months? One month does not make much of a difference. Anyway I spent most nights a week at her's and we work close by so we saw each other during the day as well. I feel that we spent TOO much time together. I had no space. You also sound like you spent most of your time together, this is not always a good thing and often one of the signs that you are in a rebound r/s. In my experience a healthy adult r/s takes time and you need to start slow in order to really get to know each other. Holidays etc have only come after some time. That is why I knew my ex and I were not in it for the long haul. We went to Paris two months after we met. Our r/s was very full on and then it very quickly petered out. I'm sorry to say this but your ex clearly feels so much more for his ex...to the point of harrassment!! He'll never let go. If you are happy within yourself why would you want to date someone so 'undatable' as you put it. You say he has low self esteem and you too appear to have self worth issues. That may be why you were attracted to each other in the first place. Doesn't make for a healhy long term r/s. He may well be alone for some time but that sounds as if it will be the best thing for him. He is obsessed with his ex and she doesn't want him. He needs to sort some things out and be on his own otherwise he'll be stuck in a rut for years and years.Give him the time and space he needs (and YOU need) and be wary if NC makes him call you again. He may just be lonely. I would give him at least a year and then see what happens. If yoo two got together BEFORE he's sorted things out and BEFORE he's got over his ex it will be a destructibe relationship and you may well end up getting hurt again. Be careful, try to move on and don't break NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 I had to break NC yesterday with a text bc he rode my scooter last and I needed to know where he put the helmet- luckily I found it and quickly texted back "never mind". I didn't hear from him. I understand he feels much more for his ex- it's obvious. Although the entire time we were together he told me he wanted me. And yes- I realize he has undatable qualities-he's in his early 40s and I'm in my mid 30s- dating is harder when you're not in your 20s anymore- and we really fit well. That's why in time I think he will come back. And I will be strict NC- although I don't think the text yesterday was that bad- he at least knows I'm getting out and riding again. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheem Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I really hope that whatever happens happens for the best. It's only be a month, Lillith74, anmd a month is a very short time on the grand scheme of things. Give it time, more time, and he may start to miss you. But first he needs to change and so do you. If you get back together you both need to be stronger people who are happier in yourselves if you are to have any cahnce at a successful relationship second time round. Work on yourself and give him space and when your ex finally resolves his issues and his self esteem improves he may feel confident enough to contact you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 Thank you, Cheem- after a month of laying in bed while not at work ( I have a high stress job) I am finally getting out and doing things. I hope it all works out for the best! Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Lilith, You yourself refer to it as a 'rebound', which tells me that even though you don't want to admit it, you kinda knew what was going on from day one. After being married and in a long relationship, 2 months is not even close to enough time to get over it when it ends. When people get into these situations, its unfortunately a very selfish situation. He basically used you to get by, sorry to say. Us guys say we love you when we aren't sure, because we feel pressure to. If we don't play along and tell you what you want to hear, you'll be gone and we'll be left with nothing. No contact has nothing to do with an ex coming back; its for you to get over a relationship. Don't text him or call hime again for any reason, there's always excuses we can make up in our mind. Just keep in mind you don't need him or the hurt that comes with contacting him, so just don't do it. No, he won't be back, but you knew you were a rebound going into it, and this was one of the risks. Sorry, hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 BCCA- I hear what you are saying- but despite all of it, he may come back. People break up and get back together all the time! I think people are being way too negative- the only was I can get him back is to be positive and know in my heart that he WILL come back. I would take him back in a second. Link to post Share on other sites
4NewRoad Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 My good Lillith74, Think of my post as an AA meeting. Hi, my name is 4NewRoad, and I am a reboundee... Unlike you, I was not aware. He'd been married for 2 years and in an on-and-off relationship with that ex for 5 years! He and I met during one of those off-periods. If I'd known Cheem and BCCA, they would both have told me - - He's not fully "checked out" stay clear! And to not demonize my ex, maybe he did not know either that he was still entagled emotionally with his ex-wife. As he told me many times "I've tried very hard"...Maybe as Cheem and BCCA were saying here "you say what you have to in order to not be left with anything..." Sigh... So he and I dated for a year and a half. He broke up with me, and returned @ least 4 times during that period! I took him back everytime! This last time, it's been 6 weeks. There's been NC and I do not plan on breaking it primarily because (AND THANKS TO!) people in this forum, and from what Cheem and BCCA have said: If he is not FULLY HEALED and I take him back, chances are I'd be back to more of the same... So if I think he's worth my patience and love, I'll say okay. But if by the time he reaches out I am a strong, smart woman, I HOPE I can say NO, and as Cheem and BCCA have said, wait for a year... Many things can happen, and if he is the one, destiny will bring us back, and if it does not happen, as we know, it wasn't meant to! So you started this thread Lillith74, by asking if NC can bring him back, and the answer, as much as you are not receptive to it (and I know this because it hurts me to recognize the exact same thing for myself), is that chances are he will not comeback. Yes, you are probably a very enchanting woman, and yes, you know that if you gave yourself a chance, you'd probably find a better man. And by better man, I am only saying "one that does love you back and wants a committed relationship with you". So, try to make this NC not about him, and him returning (he might, or he might not). Try to make this NC to re-connect with yourself as Fufu has wisely said... Yes, suffer, cry, vent, do what feels like helping you take it out of your system (even if for just a moment - believe me, the moments will get longer!) but whatever you do, know that NC is a must. And if he indeed were to return...DO NOT JUMP TO THE CHANCE! Here are some life-saving posts that have helped me, and hope they help you too: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/blog.php?b=150[/COLOR] http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) BCCA- I hear what you are saying- but despite all of it, he may come back. People break up and get back together all the time! I think people are being way too negative- the only was I can get him back is to be positive and know in my heart that he WILL come back. I would take him back in a second. My take on this. He may come back.........he may not come back too. The fact is no one will know if he really will come back or not. So why spend your time over-thinking whether he's coming back or not. Yes I agree with you, there are couples that break up and get back together all the time. However, you shouldn't let this rule over your mind. It's good to be positive, however it is also good to always move forward in life. By being overly confident that he will come back, you may end up losing yourself in the process or even losing the opportunity of meeting a new and better guy. Ultimately, it's your decision And erm, my opinion is that there's no perfect relationship. Even if you think it is a perfect relationship, he may not think the same way as you do. People in relationships (I used to be) tend to assume the other party's perceptions. Edited June 20, 2011 by Fufu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 4newroad- I understand what you are saying about NC and how it should be about healing- but I really think he will miss me. If Cheem's ex does not take him back, he may go back to Jane. He says he won't now, but then again he vacationed with her and told her he loved her. People change all the time- and every man who has ever dumped me has come back several times. I think my odds are pretty good and I need to stay positive! Link to post Share on other sites
Cheem Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hi again Lillith Seriously if my ex doesn't want me back I really, really will not want to be getting back with Jane. Please beleive me on this. Jane was a rebound. Our relationship was a rebound. By its very nature it means it has served its purpsoe. It did the job. Sounds harsh but its true. If I had been of clearer mind and not still deep down wanting my ex I would have never got involved with Jane as I knew nothing would come of it. As it was I was still (despite kidding myself) in love with my ex and couldn't make the right choices. I needed to fill the gap that I causec in my life when I foolishly dumped my ex. When I look back when I'm old and grey I will always hold a flame for my ex, she will still be in my heart (possibly) and Jane, well Jane will just be a passing memory I will probably think of her with indifference and then move on to another thought. I know this from experience. I have had two rebound r/s in my life and should have seen the third (Jane) coming. As I said they serve a purpose and there has been no lasting feeling. However all situations are different...so all the best x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillith74 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Cheem, In all fairness, your situation may be different than mine. I'm in my mid 30s, my ex is in his early 40s. I think when you are out of you 20s, things tend to happen faster - especially feelings. If you end up alone for 6 months without the ex calling can you honestly say you won't think about Jane? My ex told me he loved me, involved me with his kids, told me how beautiful I looked day in and day out. Constantly held my hand. He cried to me about his problems- and I supported him emotionally and financially. He is the one- he just needs to heal himself. And so do I- maybe after that we have a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 When I look back when I'm old and grey I will always hold a flame for my ex, she will still be in my heart (possibly) and Jane, well Jane will just be a passing memory I will probably think of her with indifference and then move on to another thought. I know this from experience. I have had two rebound r/s in my life and should have seen the third (Jane) coming. As I said they serve a purpose and there has been no lasting feeling. However all situations are different...so all the best x wow cheem,a passing memories,sort of give us rebound victims less hope but like you said. It served the purpose,harsh and True. To the OP,I understand you want to be nothing but positive,there is nothing nothing wrong with that. However you must stay in NC,then you will know whether he misses you or not. If thats what your aiming for,if you call or text him over trivial things,or make excuses,he will never ever miss you. Give yourself any reason you want to,just remain in NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Cheem Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Cheem, In all fairness, your situation may be different than mine. I'm in my mid 30s, my ex is in his early 40s. I think when you are out of you 20s, things tend to happen faster - especially feelings. If you end up alone for 6 months without the ex calling can you honestly say you won't think about Jane? My ex told me he loved me, involved me with his kids, told me how beautiful I looked day in and day out. Constantly held my hand. He cried to me about his problems- and I supported him emotionally and financially. He is the one- he just needs to heal himself. And so do I- maybe after that we have a chance. Hi I am 37 and my ex is a year older. Jane is in her late 20s. I am sorry if the message I am sending seesm harsh. I don't mean to be negative and I actually have a close friend who entered into a rebound relationship a few weeks after he split up with his fiance. He didn't set out to meet someone, he just did and they are still together - it will be a year someone soon. His fiance wants him back but they had a lot of problems in their relationship. He wants nothing more to do with her and has told me he's hapy with his new girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
pd8mxq Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Lillith, I think you are in that denial stage because a few times now in the forum, you have always said, he is undatable , you guys are older, and he will come back etc. Which is normal to be honest, many people go through the denial stage at the beginning. BUt at some point, I hope you will move on without thinking about him because he was only someone that came into your life for a few months. It is insignificant compare to 70 years so your life. I just hope you don't get stuck here for too long. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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