Dumped by GF after 4.5 years - No warning

[ConfusedGuy88]

This sounds so similar to so many of the stories I’ve read on here. But I’ll post mine anyways.

 

We met in college and were together for over 4 years. Both aged mid twenties. I was her longest relationship, as all her previous ones had been between 5-7 months long. Never had any arguments about anything and looked at other couples and wondered how we got so lucky with each other. Spent so much time together doing all kinds of things we both enjoyed, knowing we would have to do a distance relationship when she went off to school in the future. So she goes away for graduate school to another state 2 years ago. Everything was apparently great, talked to each other every day, how much we loved each other, making plans for the future and how we would work out the distance, etc. Visited each other during breaks. In my mind she was going to be my future wife. Her family thought very highly of me and always invited me for holidays and family gatherings. Her mom even told me she considered that I was the “one”. We spent summers and holidays together making the most of our time together before school would separate us again. The distance was always a challenge, but I was always convinced, as was she, that we would finish school and we would meet up after and make up for lost time. We planned it out and were ok with it. Then 2 months ago out of nowhere I get a phone call saying it’s over and she found someone else ( a student at her graduate school). The new guy had already agreed to move with her to another state where she would finish her studies (before I knew anything was wrong at all) She told me I needed to move on and close things. Basically the decision to end us had already been made and there was nothing I could do about it. Shock doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling.

 

 

I wasn’t even given a chance to try and fix anything because she was moving forward with him. She didn’t even come to me and tell me anything was wrong. Over 4 years and I don’t even get a chance to listen to what she considered to be problems in the relationship? She said it was too late to do anything about it, but that she felt she couldn’t be free and she “held herself back” when she was around me. Thing is, she is a very quiet and introverted type so I wasn’t able to see that. I’m not the type of person to be oblivious to others’ feelings either. This literally came out of nowhere. She didn’t make it known to me that anything was wrong. Her mother and family were just as shocked as I was, but they have always been the type to support her in anything she does, so I got no help there.

 

 

She basically has tried to erase me from her life, over 4 years worth of memories. I haven’t heard from her since we broke up over a month ago.

 

 

How does this fall into the realm of breakups? Is it considered a “normal” breakup? Would there be any parts that sound like GIGS? What are the chances in this type of breakup that the dumper would feel like they rushed things and made a decision too quickly? Thanks everyone.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

How does this fall into the realm of breakups?

 

seems pretty common lately.

 

 

Is it considered a “normal” breakup?

 

normal? yes

 

morally correct? NO

 

Would there be any parts that sound like GIGS?

 

the part of it being long distance, she probably thought the distance was holding her back and not necessarily you.

 

What are the chances in this type of breakup that the dumper would feel like they rushed things and made a decision too quickly?

 

I'm sure she will feel it at some point. probably later though because of this "new guy" she is with.

 

 

I hope that helps a little bit. that does sound like a very harsh way for her to end things but I wouldn't dwell on it to much. just think of all the ways you could have made the relationship better and then carry those ways into your next relationship.

[dreamscape123]

I was dumped by my ex too, completely out of the blue, she then goes off with some guy she met about a week later.... yup, seems to be quite common at the moment. My ex got back to me over the last 2 weeks. She gave it the old " i love you so much, and i miss you so much too... BUT , i have hurt you so much i cant be with you... i am to scared of myself for being able to hurt you like that..."..... I broke NC and explained how i loved her too, and lets talk and try and work things out... but no, she would not listen.... So all the hurt was dragged up again....

 

The point is here, in both our situations, any thoughts they are having at the moment are being clouded by the " rebound " relationships they are currently in... Its very frustrating, but there is not alot you can do. Yes she will think about you and will at some point question if a break up is the right thing to do, but that will take time...

 

You need to think of you right now... It hurts, but you got to try and get on with life. I know its hard, as I am going through it too, and it is shocking... big time... but it does start to get better with time.... Good advice from HeartofaPhoenix too

 

Good luck

[stray]

This story sounds so much like someone I know, that I'm actually wondering if you ARE her ex boyfriend, lol. But don't worry, if you are, haha, I don't actually talk to her anymore. But basically, I know someone who recently left her boyfriend of 4-5 years, since they went to graduate schools in different states (also went to undergrad in different states) and she felt like she couldn't handle the distance anymore. She met some guy in her current grad program and broke it off with the long-distance boyfriend. I can only tell you the way I responded to hearing that when I first heard it. I thought she was an idiot. Your ex will regret it down the line, that I'm sure of. But, it's going to take a long time. And by the time she regrets it, you'll be over it. That's just unfortunately the way it works.

[ON MY OWN]

I definitely am sympathetic to your situation. It is like someone else said not morally correct. Unfortunatley there are a ton of self centered people out there that do this sort of thing. I had something fairly similar happen to me. Mine was my ex-fiance bought me an engagement ring AND the wedding ring and inflates me up then dumps me after the wedding ring is sized and sent out and in route back to jewelery shop. He was engaged to someone else prolly within 2 months. (divorced 2x over now) I would not have seen it back then but is truly a blessing. Sometimes we dont realize blessings at the time.

 

It was very cold of her to do that. I know I could NEVER do that to someone. IMO it is enstilled in most of us in our upbringing. My heart really goes out to you. Try and do things that make you happy and I hope you have atleast one friend that can be there for you. I wont lie but there will be some VERY low times....but they slowly get a little better....baby steps....then before you know it you have taken thousands of the "baby steps". Your days and especially nights seem more normal again. Also you realize the world is still revolving and there is plenty of joy to be had by you!!

 

Now I am almost getting my degree and found the true love of my life from grade school. There is magic somewhere there waiting for you when you are truly ready. Also wanted to note this forum helped so much plenty of lonely nights. If not posting....just reading and seeing that I was not as alone as i felt at the time.

 

I wish you only the best in your life and with love...remember you deserve it!!! Hold your head up high!!!

Edited June 18, 2011 by ON MY OWN

[ConfusedGuy88]

It's just so weird because we have genuinely never had arguments. We were always so positive about everything. I've read lots of stories similar to mine but in so many cases the dumper at least lets their bf/gf know that things aren't going so well before they make that decision. That there are things that need to be worked on, etc. Either that or there are trademark signs that things aren't going well, like disinterest, not talking about the future anymore, not planning things out, etc. Of course many times things don't work out, but at least the problems were brought out and it was given a chance.

 

I just can't understand how someone can just throw 4.5 years away and not even say what they are feeling? I could see this happening in a shorter term relationship but never in a longer one. It's so wrong that my mind can't seem to grasp at it. I know that if I ever did anything like that I would always live with regret and would wonder what could have happened if I had let my partner know that there were things I wasn't happy with.

[richard9]

i really feel for you :-( the only thing i can say is that at least you dont have to blame yourself, you didnt push her away and you didnt treat her badly, it was her decision and thats where the blame for the end of the relationship lies. would you really want to be with someone who doesnt think about your feelings or how you would have felt if you had have know what she was doing? stay busy and try not to wonder why it happened, it will just go around and around your head and make you angry and bitter. it wasnt your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop it, take peace of mind from that.

[just_scott]

MAN i know EXACTLY what your going though ,last month my girl of 4 yrs just up and walked out of my place,i asked what's up , why ? all i got was i don't love you anymore ,and i'm not in love with you .

came soo out of the blue

MAYBE it's the g.i.g. syndrome [ Grass Is Greener On The Other Side] it SUCKS big time , WITHOUT them giving us explinations , or reasoning i think they just really don't have a valid one to give ,or their scared to tell us .JUST go NC with her and do for yourself you can keep some hope alive that one day / night she'll call you , or stop by [i'm hopping for that ] and at least look you in the eyes and tell you why .

FAR as reconsiliation MAN if she was with another guy while you were still with her do you really even want her back ? that's a really tough question and decission [i struggle with that daily ] just got to stay strong and don't let the emotions take over it's extremly hard but you can get through it .

[dicky_fish]

You'd think there's something going round with the amount this is happening recently! Similar situation for me too (I'm working on a mamoth post about mine which should be ready to post later tonight)

[ConfusedGuy88]

Thanks guys.

 

Also something I didn't mention was that during our "talk", as short as it was, she mentioned how we never went out partying with friends (even though she had previously said she didn't enjoy that kind of stuff), how we never really got drunk together (really, that's a reason for breaking up with someone?), and how she was going to go ahead and get a tattoo...

 

I knew that during Highschool she was always the more rebellious type, but I figured that it was a phase that she went through, as so many of us have. I though it was out of her system. She always talked about her Highschool days and how she was embarrassed about how she gave her parents a rough time. I still don't get how I was supposed to know that she still enjoyed doing these things if she was always so adamantly against it during our 4.5 years together....I think she really thought I would judge her but she never even gave me a chance. I wouldn't have any problems with those things since all young people do that and I would have actually enjoyed doing those things with her. But she just preferred to run off.

 

She just seems like a completely different person now. When I was reading about GIGS this is something that stood out, how people act very differently. But I wasn't necessarily sure if it could be considered something like GIGS if she left for someone else though.

Edited June 23, 2011 by ConfusedGuy88

[RodG]

Thanks guys.

 

Also something I didn't mention was that during our "talk", as short as it was, she mentioned how we never went out partying with friends (even though she had previously said she didn't enjoy that kind of stuff), how we never really got drunk together (really, that's a reason for breaking up with someone?), and how she was going to go ahead and get a tattoo...

 

I knew that during Highschool she was always the more rebellious type, but I figured that it was a phase that she went through, as so many of us have. I though it was out of her system. She always talked about her Highschool days and how she was embarrassed about how she gave her parents a rough time. I still don't get how I was supposed to know that she still enjoyed doing these things if she was always so adamantly against it during our 4.5 years together....I think she really thought I would judge her but she never even gave me a chance. I wouldn't have any problems with those things since all young people do that and I would have actually enjoyed doing those things with her. But she just preferred to run off.

 

She just seems like a completely different person now. When I was reading about GIGS this is something that stood out, how people act very differently. But I wasn't necessarily sure if it could be considered something like GIGS if she left for someone else though.

 

Man, I'm going through the same thing. No warning to the breakup. Out of the blue like you. My girl was seemingly content with just being with me. Not partying or drinking or anything. So why all of a sudden do they now think it was all a mistake? You were fine with it then, if you weren't why didn't you voice your problems at ALL? Now they're out partying and drinking. I would have loved doing those things with her but she made me feel like it was all okay, stuck in our rut. I feel exactly how you feel. How were we supposed to know? Because it sure as hell could've been different had they thought about maybe TALKING to us about some of the problems.

 

Amazing how they can change into completely different people, with completely different plans in a matter of days. Makes you wonder if they were ever really sincere with anything they said.

[loverboy1984]

Dear confusedguy

 

When I read your story it was exactly like mine. except mine was 6yrs. we met the same and had LDR due to grad school. everything in your story was the same. She broke up with me and is now dating a guy. Is it GIGS? you bet your marbles it is.

 

heres what I think. They go off to this new environment and have new friends, new social scene and they feel like they have been missing out on it while being with you. The novelty of a new person, new place and the convenience of you not being there compels them to experience it.

 

I know it hurts and what sucks more is you wonder if your relationship was so good and lasted this long how can you be sure this doesnt happen again in the future with someone else when everything feels right. I feel jaded and cynical from my break up which was exactly like yours.

 

I cant tell you whats going to happen but can tell you that it will be an emotional rollercoaster and hard to get over. I was dumped in March during the time I was studying for my Medical board exam. I had hope and wanted her back but after 3 months NC I talked to her and realized she is dating someone.

 

Me and you should look on the bright side though. Believe it or not the bright side is brighter than you think. We dodged a bullet. I was sure she was the one too, so arent you glad this happened now before you had more to lose? also your hands are clean, you come out of this a good guy and not someone who broke a girls heart. You have a loving 4+yr relationship under your belt. Next time you hear a girl whining about how guys are a-holes and dont commit or whatever you can be sure thats not you.

 

Be happy that your relationship was tested now before you had more invested. thats the way I look at things.

 

Wish you all the best with coping. Im there with you.

[TheHurtProcess]

It appears as if many of us are going through the same exact scenario. With every post that goes up in the "Breaks and Breaking Up" section, I feel as though I'm reading the same story over and over again and the majority of them are so similar to mine that I have to double check to make sure I didn't write it myself.

 

It seriously has me wondering... WTF is going on as of late? It's like a biological weapon went off and there's some plague going around turning everyone into self-centered, G.I.G.S infested zombies. Is it always like this or does it seem as if it's much worse this year compared to others?

 

Perhaps, I'm just nuts!!!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

wait until the summer months pass... all the G.I.G.S. dumpers will be trying to recon with the dumpees and this forum will be filled with threads titled "why won't he/she take me back?"

[loverboy1984]

really why is that?

 

I read somewhere that break ups usually happen before Christmas or around spring. And people get back together or find someone else in the summer. I was dumped in march so that makes sense but my ex just started dating someone this summer. Hope your right.

[mtd4249]

ConfusedGuy88 -- it seems your ex was not a good communicator and, unfortunately, that can be the kiss of death for relationships. My situation is very similar to yours - except I was with my ex for 16 years and lived together for all of those years ..... no arguments, no signs she wasn't happy (and after 16 years I thought I could read her like a book) and we even went on vacation to America just 8 weeks before she suddenly told me she was leaving. There was no thought of trying to give the relationship a chance - and it's not like there were big issues (no cheating, no abuse etc) .... she folded at a snap of a finger. I'm sure you have lots of questions about "why" and the way she abandoned the relationship means you don't fully get closure and may carry "what ifs" for some time .... but, you won't have any guilt and let's hope you won't regret her decision and find a happier space.

[RodG]

wait until the summer months pass... all the G.I.G.S. dumpers will be trying to recon with the dumpees and this forum will be filled with threads titled "why won't he/she take me back?"

 

You know, I have a strange feeling this might happen. After all the hustle and bustle of summer is over, the weather starts to get a little colder, they might just miss our warmth and familiarity. Or realise they miss it. They'll be in for a rude awakening. Time for the tables to turn, One just can't forget the things they said and one most certainly can't forget being IGNORED.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

You know, I have a strange feeling this might happen. After all the hustle and bustle of summer is over, the weather starts to get a little colder, they might just miss our warmth and familiarity. Or realise they miss it. They'll be in for a rude awakening. Time for the tables to turn, One just can't forget the things they said and one most certainly can't forget being IGNORED.

 

 

And I will be here on LS to reply to every one of those posts with something along the lines of "tough S#@T!!!!!, should have thought about that several months ago!!!" lol

[TheHurtProcess]

wait until the summer months pass... all the G.I.G.S. dumpers will be trying to recon with the dumpees and this forum will be filled with threads titled "why won't he/she take me back?"

 

I was just saying this myself a few days ago. I myself have noticed that most breakups tend to happen in the late spring or early summer. Then as the summer comes to a close and the cold seasons return, they're looking for someone to cuddle up next to in a warm house/bed.

 

I theorized that we'll start seeing a wave of posts pertaining to reconciliation towards the late summer/early fall months when the thrill of summer is long gone. But your prophecy is just as much if not more of a possibility.

[iceweasel6]

I was just saying this myself a few days ago. I myself have noticed that most breakups tend to happen in the late spring or early summer. Then as the summer comes to a close and the cold seasons return, they're looking for someone to cuddle up next to in a warm house/bed.

 

I theorized that we'll start seeing a wave of posts pertaining to reconciliation towards the late summer/early fall months when the thrill of summer is long gone. But your prophecy is just as much if not more of a possibility.

 

This phenomenon is real and has been confirmed by data mining. David McCandless's presentation at TED talks gives a quick summary.

 

Enjoy.

http://www.allfacebook.com/facebook-status-chart-reveals-when-breakups-occur-2010-11

[ConfusedGuy88]

I was just saying this myself a few days ago. I myself have noticed that most breakups tend to happen in the late spring or early summer. Then as the summer comes to a close and the cold seasons return, they're looking for someone to cuddle up next to in a warm house/bed.

 

Problem is, in my case she already has a new person to cuddle up next to in a warm bed. I doubt this trend applies in this situation.

[dreamscape123]

I cant get over how many people including me, seem to be going through such similar situations at the moment...... What seem to be faultless relationships, then litterally out of the blue, the g/f dumps and walks , with no apparent thought for the relationship they have just been in for x amount of time...... Interesting read about the summer phenomenon thing....... and in most cases, it seems to be the girl walking out on their b/f and not the other way round too....... No offence ladies.........

[Movingthrough]

I hate to read stories like this, its so common nowadays. I think certain people find a shiny new toy and they cant hold back from it. I wouldnt look in you to find the problem, i would leave it on your ex. I can almost bet she was just not feeling the "spark" anymore due to years together and so much distance. Most of the time when guys type "we didnt fight" its kind of a hint that there wasnt much else going on either, no fire anymore, just two people together that cant ever break up because of the time they have together. BUT on the other hand, when you make a commitment like your ex did, you should at least bring it up.

 

Its always easy to say (people said it to me) but you are lucky to be out of this. Who wants to be with someone that can leave that quick? Seriously, she sees some new guy and is like "well this might be fun, cya". Girl or guy, thats not right, but if you read on here, its very common to jump into something new instead of working on what you have had for years.

 

One thing i will say though is it will not work out with her new guy, i think most would agree. You cant be in a relationship, jump out, meet someone new, then expect it to be happily ever after....come one. I know its not what you want to hear but be happy you are out before a house, kids, etc.

[just_scott]

K you're talking about people in a relationship for ''x'' amount of time where the girl just walks out and goes into a new relationship

WHAT about a girl who had yrs with someone and while still with the person starts up with someone else THEN walks from the original relationship to be with the ''new'' ''fresh'' one

would that be the same thing ?

[dreamscape123]

K you're talking about people in a relationship for ''x'' amount of time where the girl just walks out and goes into a new relationship

WHAT about a girl who had yrs with someone and while still with the person starts up with someone else THEN walks from the original relationship to be with the ''new'' ''fresh'' one

would that be the same thing ?

 

 

Interesting point, but if she leaves you AFTER meeting someone new, I guess she kind of cheated..... and from what most people seem to say on here, none of these REBOUND relationships seem to work after a while....