Setback

[dryerase]

As some of you may know, I recently ended a couple year affair with a co-worker, who I am still working with for the next few weeks only (quitting the job right now NOT an option for several reasons, and NOT having anything to do with this man). Since ending things, we have chit-chatted at work mostly when we've needed to, i.e. other people are around, but otherwise, other than missing him and having nagging thoughts of whether I did the right thing to end this relationship, I have not resumed the affair.

 

A short background - I have young children, which was the primary reason to end the affair. The OM wanted me to divorce, and if I told him right now that I would divorce, he would have me back. However, I did not want my children to suffer through a divorce. From reading many things, including advice on LS, it seemed to me that if I wasn't planning to divorce my husband prior to being with the OM (which I never intended on doing), then I should give my marriage a real try particularly for the sake of my children. My husband does know about the affair, and we have been repairing our marriage slowly, though I admit that I still have some feelings for the OM.

 

A setback happened today, when the OM approached me and asked me what I thought about seeing a psychologist or therapist who works with children, so that I can get their insights on how to make a divorced situation work with kids. He knew I was more than anything worried about how they would handle this. I am so confused about this suggestion, mostly that the OM still cares enough to suggest that, or am I just being stupid? Does he just want what he wants, and he's using that suggestion as a way to get it?

 

I was sort of ok with ending the affair before, though I've been in withdrawal, and now I am confused again, mostly with the question of, is this the mark of a man who truly loves me and who I shouldn't cast off or just the sign of someone who will do anything to get what he wants? He has told me that his previous relationships have started with girls who were dating someone else first, so sometimes I have wondered if he takes some sort of pride in "winning" someone over another man.

[seibert253]

If your goal is to repair your M, then why should this matter to you? If you truly want to R with your BH, then your thoughts in regards to the OM should run along the lines as "who gives a S what he thinks or feels".

 

Sounds to me that your continued contact with the OM is still keeping you a bit foggy.

 

Until he is COMPLETELY out of your life, you will continue to revisit these feelings and deal with the setbacks.

 

Eventually you need to make a decision as to what's most important to you; saving your M, or your financial security.

 

Share with your BH what you've just shared with us, and I think he'll help you with that decision.

[2sunny]

then I should give my marriage a real try particularly for the sake of my children. My husband does know about the affair, and we have been repairing our marriage slowly, though I admit that I still have some feelings for the OM.

 

you should give your M a REAL try for your H - not the children. YOU should repair the M- YOU cheated, not your H. it's your work to repair since you caused the damage. feelings for OM? then quit the job! this should have been the first thing you did! you can't focus on repairing the M when OM is at work tempting you like he is doing.

 

i don't think you want your H - or you wouldn't be talking this way to OM. be fair to your H - IF you won't leave the job - and NEVER see or correspond with OM again - then divorce your H so he can find a wife who loves and respects him.

 

 

I was sort of ok with ending the affair before, though I've been in withdrawal, and now I am confused again, mostly with the question of, is this the mark of a man who truly loves me and who I shouldn't cast off or just the sign of someone who will do anything to get what he wants?

 

no, you were not ok with ending it - since you haven't disconnected COMPLETELY from his constant temptations. it's not fair at all to your H that you still involve this OM in your lives.

 

who cares what mark of a man he is? he is tempting you. QUIT THE JOB if you intend to stay married... or divorce your H and sneak around work with the OM.

[whichwayisup]

A setback happened today, when the OM approached me and asked me what I thought about seeing a psychologist or therapist who works with children, so that I can get their insights on how to make a divorced situation work with kids. He knew I was more than anything worried about how they would handle this. I am so confused about this suggestion, mostly that the OM still cares enough to suggest that, or am I just being stupid? Does he just want what he wants, and he's using that suggestion as a way to get it?

 

 

Sorry I stopped reading after this paragraph.

 

Your exOM or OM has NO respect for you and your decision. Him suggesting this when you've already ended the A and decided to give your marriage a chance is not fair to put on you at all. Next time he talks to you about this stuff or anything personal outside of work related issues, walk away and tell him it's not his place anymore and it's not his business. he's thinking of himself while giving you that suggestion. it's NOT what is best for the kids.

 

DO NOT let him manipulate you. And he is trying!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I was sort of ok with ending the affair before, though I've been in withdrawal, and now I am confused again, mostly with the question of, is this the mark of a man who truly loves me and who I shouldn't cast off or just the sign of someone who will do anything to get what he wants? He has told me that his previous relationships have started with girls who were dating someone else first, so sometimes I have wondered if he takes some sort of pride in "winning" someone over another man.

 

Only one way to know if he is serious or not... and that's to get a divorce and see how far you can ride the affair fog.

 

Either way, you need to just make up your bloody mind and move forward without all this stupid waffling and indecision. That will cause more pain for everyone including yourself. What is the point of constant second guessing? What purpose will it serve? You make the best choice available in a given situation and just move forward.

[Owl]

Does your H know about your ongoing feelings for OM, or has he 'assumed' that those are past since you (apparently) decided to work on the marriage?

 

Also...did you tell your H about your "setback"?

[What_Next]

Has she even told her H yet about the affair? If not, then this self serving bull___ is just that, bull____

Edited June 20, 2011 by What_Next

[confusedinkansas]

I'm not going to recommend you tell your husband because that's between you & you! & no one else!

 

As I said on your previous thread - There's no way you're going to be able to move on with or without your husband until you get away from this other man. I think deep down you know this.

Hopefully you can make it past the week - or however long you're going to have to work together.

Maybe after that you'll be able to think more clearly.

For your well being - I really hope so!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm not going to recommend you tell your husband because that's between you & you! & no one else!

 

You really think these kind of secrets are good for a marriage? Or do you believe that he just doesn't deserve to be informed of the things that affect his life?

 

As I said on your previous thread - There's no way you're going to be able to move on with or without your husband until you get away from this other man.

 

Not telling the husband makes getting away from the OM harder.

 

Telling the husband provides potential impetus and accountability for something she is clearly lacking the self control to do alone.

[John Michael Kane]

I'm not going to recommend you tell your husband because that's between you & you! & no one else!

 

Ya he doesn't deserve to know.

 

As I said on your previous thread - There's no way you're going to be able to move on with or without your husband until you get away from this other man. I think deep down you know this.

 

Yet you recommend not telling her husband she put his life at risk multiple times.

 

 

Hopefully you can make it past the week - or however long you're going to have to work together.

Maybe after that you'll be able to think more clearly.

For your well being - I really hope so!

 

Recommending her to keep up her deceptive abusive behavior and then to continue to "work" with her husband is contradictory. If she cared about her well being, she wouldn't be where she is now.

[Owl]

W_N, her H does know of her affair (mentioned in her opening post on this thread), but the question does still remain as to whether or not he knows she still has feelings for the OM that she still works with (again, these feelings were mentioned in her first post in this thread), and whether or not her H knows about the resumed contact that was NOT work related, and it's emotional impacts on her.

 

Given that he's trying to work on rebuilding the marriage with her, he certainly does have a right to have all the information in front of him to know what he's up against while trying to work through all of this, and so that he's fully aware of changes in the situation that could cause him to re-evaluate his choices if he had this additional knowledge. (That's my viewpoint as a BS who's been through reconciling a marriage, at least. Odds are Dryerase's H would have a similar opinion is my guess.)

[Owl]

Telling the husband provides potential impetus and accountability for something she is clearly lacking the self control to do alone.

 

EXACTLY!!! You hit it on the head with this.

[John Michael Kane]

W_N, her H does know of her affair (mentioned in her opening post on this thread), but the question does still remain as to whether or not he knows she still has feelings for the OM that she still works with (again, these feelings were mentioned in her first post in this thread), and whether or not her H knows about the resumed contact that was NOT work related, and it's emotional impacts on her.

 

Given that he's trying to work on rebuilding the marriage with her, he certainly does have a right to have all the information in front of him to know what he's up against while trying to work through all of this, and so that he's fully aware of changes in the situation that could cause him to re-evaluate his choices if he had this additional knowledge. (That's my viewpoint as a BS who's been through reconciling a marriage, at least. Odds are Dryerase's H would have a similar opinion is my guess.)

 

The affair is obviously not over if she's still in contact with OM. And odds are he wouldn't even have a similar opinionated relation.

[Owl]

LOL...NM...you changed the context.

[What_Next]

Owl, I missed that. My fault entirely.

 

You need to inform your husband of the truth, if you are capable of it that is.

 

He needs to be fully informed so he can make an informed decision. As for the "not being able to change jobs" is that really true or are you using this as an excuse to stay in contact or at least have him at arms length? Your posting style seems to indicate you have a massive ego.

[Owl]

Thanks JMK...I almost agreed with you for a moment, and the world seemed to be tipping on it's axis.

 

And then you changed your post so that you clearly disagreed with me, reassuring me that the world was still the same.

[confusedinkansas]

You really think these kind of secrets are good for a marriage? Or do you believe that he just doesn't deserve to be informed of the things that affect his life?.

 

I never said that now did I.

All I said is that I'm not going to recommend that she do it.

Do you really think that everyone here harping about it is going to make her do it? I doubt it.

That is a personal decision that only she can make. No amount of TELLING HER will make a hill of beans worth of difference.

 

Yet you recommend not telling her husband she put his life at risk multiple times.

I never recommended that she NOT tell him either....

[Owl]

That is a personal decision that only she can make. No amount of TELLING HER will make a hill of beans worth of difference.

 

Completely untrue.

 

I can think of a couple of posters who have in the past came here planning on not telling...and then thanking me via post or PM for pushing them to tell.

 

Explaining to her why she should tell, why her H deserves to know the truth, and what the possible benefits of telling are likely to be could well change her mind.

[confusedinkansas]

Completely untrue.

 

I can think of a couple of posters who have in the past came here planning on not telling...and then thanking me via post or PM for pushing them to tell.

 

Explaining to her why she should tell, why her H deserves to know the truth, and what the possible benefits of telling are likely to be could well change her mind.

 

 

Ok point taken.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I never said that now did I.

All I said is that I'm not going to recommend that she do it.

Do you really think that everyone here harping about it is going to make her do it? I doubt it.

That is a personal decision that only she can make. No amount of TELLING HER will make a hill of beans worth of difference.

I never recommended that she NOT tell him either....

 

It's true that we each make our own choices, but the input we get from posters can influence us. I myself have taken some dating advice, which actually worked well. Most people don't just come here for sympathy, they really do listen to what you say.

 

Personally... I find the best posts list out the potential pro's and con's of making a choice. Few posters actually do that.

 

Sometimes I think your advice is more meant to stir up outrage among other posters than it is "real" advice. I think that does a great disservice to those seeking ideas.

[John Michael Kane]

LOL...NM...you changed the context.

 

LOL I had to. You know how it is man.

[John Michael Kane]

Thanks JMK...I almost agreed with you for a moment, and the world seemed to be tipping on it's axis.

 

And then you changed your post so that you clearly disagreed with me, reassuring me that the world was still the same.

 

Some things never change.

[John Michael Kane]

I never recommended that she NOT tell him either....

 

OMG Yes you did.

[confusedinkansas]

JMK It's quite obvious that you & I will never agree. Nice though that only part of my post was picked apart. I'll guess the other part was pretty sound right on advice. Especially since I've been in her situation.

[John Michael Kane]

JMK It's quite obvious that you & I will never agree.

 

Right in the center.

 

Nice though that only part of my post was picked apart. I'll guess the other part was pretty sound right on advice. Especially since I've been in her situation.

 

The whole post was actually the same as the part I "picked apart."