Should we cohabitate??

[soinlovewithtwo]

Clearly, things have gotten quite confusing if I am turning to the internet.

 

Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 months. Weve been friends for about 2 years. We began our relationship very lovey, and its been unlike any other. Im 21, hes 24. We both agreed early on that this was "it", we had found our lifetime partners.

Weve talked about getting married/having kids in the future, we spend 4-5 nights out of the week at my apartment, and we even went on vacation together this March.

 

We match up on most things...except sex and moving in together issues. As far as sex, we have it about once or twice a month and he wishes it was a few days a week at least, which has caused issues. we were very excited to look for apartments together and to live together but weve had multiple disagreements about money and furniture etc and were not officially moved in yet!

 

He will be moving into my apartment in 2 weeks, and not paying rent for the month. Then were supposed to move into a new place together, where i will be paying more than half of the rent, and all of the cable bill because he "cant afford it" making minimum wage, working 30-something hours a week on average.

Whereas, I make 14 dollars an hour and I work half the time he does (so really, we balance out -.-)

 

I was going to take out extra student loans to pay for the extra at the new apartment. However, we began fighting about splitting a bedroom set cost. Bedroom set is 599, the cheapest I found. He doesnt think he should have to pay half because he has an old one in storage(a king bed) (which, I JUST bought a full size memory foam mattress a year ago and wanted to still use it)

My mattress wont fit his set and Ive never even seen his set, and cant because its so far in storage that it would be very hard to dig out and not worth it if were not taking it out.

 

Also, Im supposed to pay the whole cable bill because he "doesnt watch tv" and "only watches it because you are/when you are watching it"

 

In any case, Im feeling a bit resentful. Id be moving much further from my family, have to pay to do my own laundry (I get it free here), further from work, pay more every month, start paying for utilities (i get them free here)- just so he can be closer to school and his minimum wage job.

He told his mom i want a bedroom set and she said, "Well is SHE paying for it?" (Coming from his mother who divorced his dad because he lost his money)

He wont even pay half for the bedroom set that WE would be sharing

 

BUT HE JUST BOUGHT A PS3.

 

Thoughts? He has nowhere to live if I dont live with him or else id tell him to wait. He lost his roommate because he told her that hed be living with me. His mom lives across the country and his father lives in a house with a bunch of people.

I feel like if we dont live together as planned, we will break up.

 

We fought tonight because I said that my mom thinks we should go half, and "well i guess we both have someone on our side" and he said that he wasnt going to talk to me until midnight because he was so angry that he didnt want to say something he would regret. so i told him to not come over and to not call me tonight cuz I didnt want to fight all night.

 

Should I still pay more for the new rent? or should I insist that we stay at the place Im at now? Im so confused. I really need help here!! I should be happy to be living together but I am sad and worried!!

Edited June 18, 2011 by soinlovewithtwo

[anne1707]

I feel like if we dont live together as planned, we will break up.

 

You are both still very young for all thsi talk of finding "the one". It might be the case and if it is then why rush things - your ages allow you to take your time.

 

As for all the arguments about money, it does seem to be as if he wants it all on his terms. If you are to live together, that is a joint decision and comes with joint responsibility for bills, purchases etc. OK, you may be earning more but he can still take on some bills.

 

Other than that, really the thing that stands out to me is the line above I quoted. If you think that living together is the only way to keep your relationship then you definitely should not live together! For the commitment you are proposing to take here, it should be done as a positive, considered, next step and not as a band aid to your relationship. Under all the circumstances you describe, if I were you I would not let him move into your apartment either. You will only end up resenting him for expecting you to pay his way.

[soinlovewithtwo]

 

Other than that, really the thing that stands out to me is the line above I quoted. If you think that living together is the only way to keep your relationship then you definitely should not live together!

 

 

No, i mean that Im worried that if I tell him that I dont want to live together, and put him out like that, we will end up breaking up because of that. I dont mean breakup just because were not living together. It would be because he would be practically homeless and have a very hard time finding a new place in such a short amount of time and his budget

[anne1707]

No, i mean that Im worried that if I tell him that I dont want to live together, and put him out like that, we will end up breaking up because of that. I dont mean breakup just because were not living together. It would be because he would be practically homeless and have a very hard time finding a new place in such a short amount of time and his budget

 

OK

 

But there is still the issue on joint responsibility and your potential resentment at his lack of contribution

[soinlovewithtwo]

OK

 

But there is still the issue on joint responsibility and your potential resentment at his lack of contribution

 

Oh, definitely. I agree that if were truly "the one" for each other, waiting isnt a big deal (though he argues, if we know were "the ones", then why wait). It just doesnt feel right because of all the fighting. I should be happy right now but instead Im online posting to strangers about my relationship. Not a good sign. Thank you for your feedback!

[musemaj11]

In an ideal world, couples should be banned from making long term commitments until they are at least 28 years old.

[denise_xo]

We match up on most things...except sex and moving in together issues.

 

These aren't just a couple of minor issues. Both are HUGE. Sex is an extremely important glue in a long term relationship, and so is agreement on finances. Couples arguing over finances is statistically a key factor in serious relationship problems. I vote that the two of you should spend more time getting to know each other before you move in together.

[Eeyore79]

As far as sex, we have it about once or twice a month and he wishes it was a few days a week at least, which has caused issues.

That's a big problem, especially at your age. If you're not having regular sex in your early twenties, it's only going to get worse as you get older. A man will be reluctant to commit to a woman if they don't have a regular sex life, as he's essentially committing to being sexually frustrated for the rest of his life. If both people have a similarly low sex drive then the relationship might work, but it's a problem if one has a normal sex drive and the other only wants sex once a month. Why do you so rarely want sex - does he not satisfy you?

 

He will be moving into my apartment in 2 weeks, and not paying rent for the month. Then were supposed to move into a new place together, where i will be paying more than half of the rent, and all of the cable bill because he "cant afford it" making minimum wage, working 30-something hours a week on average.

This is a huge red flag. If you're living together he should pay half of the rent and bills, especially since you both earn roughly the same salary. Don't take out extra loans and get yourself into debt - why should you subsidize him? Insist that he pays his share of the expenses! If he has nowhere else to live, that's his problem - it's not your job to support him, and if he breaks up with you because you don't live together then he wasn't really that into you anyway.

 

I suggest you stay where you are, and tell him to find his own accommodation because you're not willing to live with him until he pays his share of the expenses - which means paying 50% of everything.

[crazycatlady]

Do not take out anything on credit to finance living expenses. Taking out more student loans to help pay for an apartment falls under a BAD IDEA. I can't stress this point enough. DO NOT GET INTO THIS HABIT.

 

Why can't you stay in your current apartment? Why move?

 

Money and sex are huge issues. Heck we are on the same page when it comes to finances and yet we still argue over them sometimes because its frustrating.

 

You need to talk about this more. If he must move in....don't move. But he pays his fair share. If he's working a min. wage job, couldn't he just get one closer to you?

[xxoo]

Do not take out anything on credit to finance living expenses. Taking out more student loans to help pay for an apartment falls under a BAD IDEA. I can't stress this point enough. DO NOT GET INTO THIS HABIT.

 

HUGE agree!

 

Taking a loan to afford a bedroom set is such a bad idea. And anyway, what ever happened to a mattress on the floor? If that's all you can afford....then that's all you can afford. No biggie. IME, the fewer bills and worries we have, the more sleep and sex we have (even if it is on a mattress on the floor!). For clothing storage: thrifts shops and yard sales have cheap pieces, hand-me-downs from upgrading relatives, even crates work.

 

I don't necessarily think things need to be 50:50 financially to work. Since moving in with my H, it has never been 50:50 (some years I've paid more, some years he has)...but we always were able to come to agreement on money issues, and we always had a common plan with regard to money.

 

If you are incompatible with sex and money, you are incompatible to cohabitate. I wouldn't do it.

[Eeyore79]

I don't necessarily think things need to be 50:50 financially to work. Since moving in with my H, it has never been 50:50

It's different when you're in a committed relationship or married - in that situation it's acceptable to share your money. But it's an extremely bad idea to make a financial investment in a non-committed relationship, because the other person could just reap the benefits and then walk away and leave you with the debt. Until a relationship becomes seriously committed you need to maintain separate finances and not invest large sums of money in the other person or in the relationship.

[denise_xo]

It's different when you're in a committed relationship or married - in that situation it's acceptable to share your money. But it's an extremely bad idea to make a financial investment in a non-committed relationship, because the other person could just reap the benefits and then walk away and leave you with the debt. Until a relationship becomes seriously committed you need to maintain separate finances and not invest large sums of money in the other person or in the relationship.

 

I don't really think people should move in together if they are not committed.

 

And I second this:

 

I don't necessarily think things need to be 50:50 financially to work. Since moving in with my H, it has never been 50:50 (some years I've paid more, some years he has)...but we always were able to come to agreement on money issues, and we always had a common plan with regard to money

.

However, it seems that in the OP's case it's not only an issue of sharing expenses but also an issue of having very different priorities in terms of what money should be spent on.

Edited June 18, 2011 by denise_xo

[Eeyore79]

I don't really think people should move in together if they are not committed.

Ideally they shouldn't - however people move in together for various reasons, including financial reasons and convenience, and living together isn't always seen as a commitment nowadays (it's often seen as more of a trial period). Many live-in relationships do end, and if that happens to you, you don't want to be saddled with a whole load of debt from the relationship.

[xxoo]

Ideally they shouldn't - however people move in together for various reasons, including financial reasons and convenience, and living together isn't always seen as a commitment nowadays (it's often seen as more of a trial period). Many live-in relationships do end, and if that happens to you, you don't want to be saddled with a whole load of debt from the relationship.

 

I don't see how the relationship creates the debt. Poor financial choices (as a couple, or individually) create the debt.

 

Buying PS3, cable, new bedroom sets when you can NOT afford them creates debt.

 

Now, if the OP can afford cable, and the boyfriend can not--I don't see any issue with her paying 100% for the cable she wants. If she needs to go into debt to pay 100% of the cable--then she can't afford cable. We've gone many years without cable, and survived nicely

[soinlovewithtwo]

"Why do you so rarely want sex - does he not satisfy you?"

 

Childhood abuse issues that caused me to become promiscuous as a teenager and skewed views on sex and love is the source of the issue. Ive recently realized that what I went through made me the hyper sexualized young woman that I was, and the things i fantasize about are also related. Im so turned off by that, and also I dont know whats truly "me" and my fantasies, because I was exposed at such a young age. I just have a hard time connecting with sex right now and separating love, vs sex, vs what is ME and what is how i THOUGHT i should be/feel

 

And yes, I have gotten extensive treatment, Ive been in intensive counseling for 7 years.

 

YES! The issue is our priorities, definitely. I am worried to even suggest living apart, but as someone mentioned, if he left me because I changed my mind about living together than he wasnt even the one anyway. This is all very true.

 

I dont want to take out extra loans just to pay for the extra that he cant pay. I suppose this does mean that better apartment is out of our means. Thanks everyone for the replies. Im glad that Im not the only one that thinks living with him may be a premature, and possibly bad, idea

[soinlovewithtwo]

 

Why can't you stay in your current apartment? Why move?

 

You need to talk about this more. If he must move in....don't move. But he pays his fair share. If he's working a min. wage job, couldn't he just get one closer to you?

 

 

We were going to move because DUN DUN DUN....its more convenient for him. My place is far from his job, and he would drive an hour to class, 3 days a week.

that is why we agreed to go to the new place...but it would majorly put ME out.

 

There isnt a happy medium. Thats a big reason why Im thinking that we truly are better off living apart, at least until we have something that actually works for both of us and we can both afford it without arguing.

 

As far as his job goes, hes tried to apply at other places and hasnt gotten any calls. here in ohio, our job market is pretty bad. Not that he COULDNT get a job, itll just be a lot harder.