Ch..ch.. ch.. changes...

[RuinedLife]

My ex virtually changed beyond all recognition over the 3 years we were dating but I didn't change a bit. And I think this probably had a lot to do with our break up and is what has made it pretty much impossible to rekindle what we had.

 

I just wondered if anyone else had experienced something similar where your ex changed so much they became almost unrecognizable and you stayed the same? Or maybe for some of you its the other way round and you were the one who changed (maybe matured) while your ex stayed the same?

 

I did try to adapt to my "new" ex but in the end my insecurities and fear of where the relationship might be headed caused me to mess up and the relationship crumbled.

 

Maybe some of you had similar experiences?

 

If so are you trying to catch up to your ex's level now so that you might be compatible with them again some day in the future? Or are you working on yourself purely for your own benefit now, to boost your self esteem and become a healthier happier person? Or maybe your working on yourself with the goal of being able to more successfully sustain a mutually satisfying relationship with your next romantic interest?

[Karala]

When we got together with my ex, he was 22, had just failed the exams to the one-year course he'd been taking, didn't have a job, was living here and there, living on his mother's money and was basically a mess.

Now he's 26, makes very good money as a graphic designer, has an apartment in Paris (that his mother bought for him) and wants to quit that for a while to concentrate on his drawing and put up his first exhibition.

 

Me... I've changed, made some improvements, went from absolute beginner in ballet to taking professional classes, made more music, signed my first ever "real" record deal and more good stuff, but still, in my own eyes, nothing spectacular. Most important to me, I didn't improve my financial situation. I'm so jealous of my ex (may I say bitter) because he and I had the same issue 4 years ago, and now you could say he has got over it totally, while I'm still at the exact same point.

 

To think that he was telling me that being in a relationship was hindering his progress in life. F*** you, ex.

 

As for ch ch ch changes, I so want to make them in myself so that I will once and for all stop feeling like a loser in his eyes (not that he thinks that of me at all, but this is how I feel). So, to answer your question, yes, I do feel like I want to catch up to his level, in this regard (being able to provide for yourself). Not necessarily so that he will want me back, at least enough so that he thinks there's even more to me than he ever saw.

 

For now I'm not working on myself that much. These days I've just been trying to hold it together, since just as the reality of the breakup was beginning to sink in a little better and I was going through heavy depression, one of my best friends' mother died of a heart attack, and then our family dog also died suddenly of a heart attack, leaving the whole family and especially my mother, utterly crushed.

There's also the issue I've been avoiding for now, that I will be cut off welfare at the end of the summer and the financial independance thing will become a very urgent problem.

 

So. Lots of stress to deal with for the moment, but when (hopefully) s**t stops piling up and I can begin to look forward to a better future, definitely plan to improve myself more than ever, whether it be for just myself, or the prospect of being with someone again, ex or new.

[RuinedLife]

To think that he was telling me that being in a relationship was hindering his progress in life. F*** you, ex.

 

I can relate to this. My ex basically told me the same thing, that I was holding him back and stopping him do what he wants to do in life. And now he's happier without me. It hurts.

 

Sorry I know I'm wallowing, but it still hurts a lot that he thinks that way now.

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time lately. Sounds like you have a lot to cope with, but you are still struggling on. Thats good. So hopefully that knowledge that you are still battling on despite all these hardships will help boost your self esteem and get you through these tough times.

 

I really hope things get better for you soon. *Hugs*

[calndn]

My ex changed beyond recognition he was lovely when I met him nicest guy I've ever met would do anything fir me told me he loved me all the time bought me gifts we had an ldr but he visited me most weekends 200 miles. He then moved for me too. It was when he did this that he changed I dnt know If he was trying to fit in with the friends he's made down here but he turned into an arrogant prick who couldn't give a s*** about anything but himself. He said he wanted to have fun and dumped me after

Months of putting up with bull**** from him I told him I didn't recognise him and who was he or is this actually him and the person I met never existed? I'll never know but he's horrid and a nasty person and I still miss that person I met which annoys me. Will he be the nice person I met with the next girl? Who knows. Bur he went from being lovey dovey to saying romance was a load of crap and when I reminded him that he wanted to move in with me when he first moved down he was like 'did I?' he basically went the opposite on everything he ever said to me. I saw flashes of the old him when we met up after but then back to the horrid person he's become. I will never know why he changed. I've exhausted myself trying to work it out.

 

Xxx

[WTRanger]

If someone changed to a complete asspipe, why would you want to get on their level to be compatible with them in the future?

 

Would you willingly give yourself terminal cancer as well?

[reimeivn]

Karala, it is true that relationship can hinder your career at some points in your life. But it is not because of you, it is because of him cannot balance out his life and handle relationship at the time.

 

My relationship hindered my career too. To a point, I started not waiting for my ex anymore, and taking charge of my life. He got angry and he left me. Literally walked out on me. Now thats a blessing I am not with him anymore.

[reimeivn]

I experienced that. My guess is that they have been changing for a long time, but in my case, lied to us about it.

 

Some people are greedy they dont want to not have a gf/bf. Bottom line, a gf/bf is precious.

[WTRanger]

I experienced that. My guess is that they have been changing for a long time, but in my case, lied to us about it.

 

Some people are greedy they dont want to not have a gf/bf. Bottom line, a gf/bf is precious.

 

They didn't lie, they never lie. They changed right in front of your own eyes, but you refused to see it. You still wanted to see them for the person they were, not who they are. In due time, you'll look back and see the blatant red flags.

 

However, don't beat yourself up. We all do this. We all see something we don't like and look the other way. Just learn from it and know that when someone starts to change, you need to speak up. You need to communicate at the time you feel that they are changing for the worse. Not waiting weeks, months, years while it festers inside of you all while hoping things will go back to the way they were. Then, at the end, all that black goo comes flying out in crazy accusations, hate, and general bad things.

[whatdoido1717]

As for ch ch ch changes, I so want to make them in myself so that I will once and for all stop feeling like a loser in his eyes

 

Hey, congrats on the record deal by the way. Just a simple post here, but seeing yourself as a loser and seeing what I saw when I watched you perform "Lithium" on the piano, well those too don't mesh very well to me. I told you already how much I enjoyed it and how much it inspired me and I know you said you don't want to look like a loser "in his eyes" specifically, but just know, there are probably many people out there, who think you are a pretty badass chick. At least I did when I watched you play, and that is something I find very attractive in a woman.

 

Fu** your Ex, you are too cool and talented for him. Keep on rockin' in the free world. ...haha, sorry I really like Neil Young.

[Karala]

Hey, congrats on the record deal by the way. Just a simple post here, but seeing yourself as a loser and seeing what I saw when I watched you perform "Lithium" on the piano, well those too don't mesh very well to me. I told you already how much I enjoyed it and how much it inspired me and I know you said you don't want to look like a loser "in his eyes" specifically, but just know, there are probably many people out there, who think you are a pretty badass chick. At least I did when I watched you play, and that is something I find very attractive in a woman.

 

Fu** your Ex, you are too cool and talented for him. Keep on rockin' in the free world. ...haha, sorry I really like Neil Young.

 

Thank you so much!! You have no idea how much it means to me to hear positive feedback about my music. My self-confidence wavers a lot actually, from feeling like a total loser about still being single at 30 and being on disability (this is the worst for me), to feeling proud about my creative achievements and sometimes even damn proud, lol. Thank you again, you have put a smile on my face :]