At a crossroads after my wife's affair...

[Where To]

For some background, last year in March, my wife started an affair with one of our neighbours. I was completely oblivious to all of this until she broke down and confessed everything 3 months later. While I was somewhat skeptical with her story, I did find tangible evidence that corroborated with what she said. But I was still extremely hurt by this as you can imagine. Fortunately, I'm past the extreme depression phase but I've still got some very nasty thoughts and images floating around my head, so I'm not exactly in the clear.

 

My wife has been going the extra mile to show me that she is sorry, still loves me, and that she wishes to fix the marriage and I do believe that the affair isn't still going on. She has been completely open with her activities since the affair and I think that she is doing her best to regain my trust. My problem is that I am unsure as to what I want to next.

 

There is the large trust issue that has been constantly resurfacing these last few months. Also, prior to the affair, I saw my wife as an extremely honest and rational person, which is something I respected greatly. Having this happen has basically destroyed this view of her. I will admit that I also feel inadequate for her, though she reassures me that it isn't my fault; I just find that hard to believe. I sort of feel like all of the plans that we both had for the future have been invalidated for a number of reasons.

 

I suppose that one thing that is making it hard for me to move on, is that she basically said that she had the affair "for the thrill of it". No lack of sex or intimacy on my end; she just did it because she wanted to. This is the polar opposite of her usual attitude which has left me extremely confused.

 

We've been going to counselling. I told both her and the counsellor that I feel like I'm completely lost. Essentially, I can think of so many different ways to proceed from where I am, but I am conflicted by each available option. I still love my wife despite this, and I want to try and work things out, but I'm finding it hard to stay with her. We have a 13 year old daughter and I want to avoid the ugliness custody battle too. A part of me thinks that this is all pointless and that I should just leave her and live on my own. I'm not much of a people person so this actually wouldn't be too bad for me. But I don't want to leave while I still believe that there is a chance of our relationship being healed, which I do.

 

Honestly, all the anger and sadness is gone from me, the only thing I feel is disapointment in my wife.

 

Any advice from people who've been there would be appreciated.

[Guildford]

I believe that you should work hard at saving your marrigage and here are the reasons:

 

1. You have a 13 year old daughter and she would be in elementary school and just learning how to deal with school and new friends. A breakup of her family could be damaging at this imoportant time of her life.

 

2. Your wife confessed when you were "completely oblivious" to the affair. From this I assume that she was treating you fairly well during the affair. You are a lot better off from a person whose spouse is having an affair outside the home and treating the innocent spouse like dirt at home (read about that all the time). Remember, your wife could have just ended the affair and kept quiet about the whole thing. Don't punish her for honesty.

 

3. You said that she did it "for the thrill of it" and that this was the "polar opposite of her usual attitude." To me this is one of the acceptable reasons for an affair. Frequently a spouse presents one persona to their spouse when there is a polar opposite side yearning to get out. Taking her at her word, it had nothing to do with you, she just wanted some (sexual) excitement.

 

4. Statistically speaking most marriage experience some infidelity at some point in the marriage and most survive the experience. You should have a long discussion with your wife about this affair, her unsponken needs and your unspoken needs. Try to work out accomodations that are acceptable to both parties, and tell her that this is a discussion that can be reopened at any time in the future. It sounds to me that you have a marriage that can be saved and should be saved.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. Your story is very painful to read. There are a couple of serious issues that are of great concern. First, she decided to engage in a sexual affair with a neighbor putting your health at risk for STD's and not caring how humiliating this is to you since it is a neighbor. Hopefully she did not engage in this behavior in your home. If the neighbor is married or has a girl friend then it is absolutely essential that you expose the affair to them. I cannot believe how painful this must be to you to actually see the neighbor at times.

 

Second, and the most serious fact is that she claimed that she engaged in this massive disrespect and humiliation to you and willing to sabotage your marriage and relationship for "the thrill of it." The implication of this is enormous. She engaged in this sexual affair for fun regardless how this would destroy you and your family. My guess is that a major reason she engaged in this behavior was because she felt that you would not leave and that there would be no consequences to her actions. I doubt seriously if she knew you would have left her that she would have done this. The fact that you stayed proved her correct.

 

Thirdly, I do hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's. These are the consequences of affairs. The fact that she could have continued to have a sexual affair with a neighbor behind your back for an extended time indicates she is quite the liar and know how to manipulate you very well.

 

Again the fact that she did this for "the thrill of it" says it all on how she perceives you and your relationship. She knew you would not do anything. Her actions show she has no respect for you whatsoever. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have be so accepting as you? My friend if you do not respect yourself then who will? You deserve so much better. Please do not settle for this. If you do then you prove her assessment of you was indeed correct. I wish you luck.

[Where To]

Two completely diverging opinions. This could be a cruel parody of my life.

 

1. You have a 13 year old daughter and she would be in elementary school and just learning how to deal with school and new friends. A breakup of her family could be damaging at this imoportant time of her life.

Yes, I have considered this and I wouldn't want to put unnecessary strain on her at this time in her life. But I have also noted that one message I could send to her is to tolerate disrespectful actions and stay in situations that she might not want to be in. I do feel that she is picking up on a number of my negative signals, at least on a subconcious level.

 

2. Your wife confessed when you were "completely oblivious" to the affair. From this I assume that she was treating you fairly well during the affair. You are a lot better off from a person whose spouse is having an affair outside the home and treating the innocent spouse like dirt at home (read about that all the time). Remember, your wife could have just ended the affair and kept quiet about the whole thing. Don't punish her for honesty.

True, I respected her honesty greatly and have taken it into consideration. The problem is the 3 months of dishonesty. I partly believe that one reason that she confessed was simply out of guilt. She is doing her best to gain my forgiveness though, which is more than many other people get.

 

3. You said that she did it "for the thrill of it" and that this was the "polar opposite of her usual attitude." To me this is one of the acceptable reasons for an affair. Frequently a spouse presents one persona to their spouse when there is a polar opposite side yearning to get out. Taking her at her word, it had nothing to do with you, she just wanted some (sexual) excitement.

I suppose so, I can't say that I'm happy with her choices though.

 

4. Statistically speaking most marriage experience some infidelity at some point in the marriage and most survive the experience. You should have a long discussion with your wife about this affair, her unsponken needs and your unspoken needs. Try to work out accomodations that are acceptable to both parties, and tell her that this is a discussion that can be reopened at any time in the future. It sounds to me that you have a marriage that can be saved and should be saved.

Yes. That's exactly what we're doing.

 

I am so sorry for you. Your story is very painful to read. There are a couple of serious issues that are of great concern. First, she decided to engage in a sexual affair with a neighbor putting your health at risk for STD's and not caring how humiliating this is to you since it is a neighbor. Hopefully she did not engage in this behavior in your home. If the neighbor is married or has a girl friend then it is absolutely essential that you expose the affair to them. I cannot believe how painful this must be to you to actually see the neighbor at times.

We had a checkup a few months ago, both my wife and I are clean. Neighbor divorced a few years ago and is single as far as I'm aware. Fortunately, he doesn't live close by but I have seen him once since, and it isn't a pleasant feeling.

 

Second, and the most serious fact is that she claimed that she engaged in this massive disrespect and humiliation to you and willing to sabotage your marriage and relationship for "the thrill of it." The implication of this is enormous. She engaged in this sexual affair for fun regardless how this would destroy you and your family. My guess is that a major reason she engaged in this behavior was because she felt that you would not leave and that there would be no consequences to her actions. I doubt seriously if she knew you would have left her that she would have done this. The fact that you stayed proved her correct.

Don't get me wrong, I'm considering divorce as a very realistic possibility. I'm not a fan of tolerating disrespect longer than I have to. But I do want to attempt reconciliation before ending things. And there certainly has been consequences for her, it's not like she's happy about what she has done.

 

Thirdly, I do hope that the both of you have been checked for STD's. These are the consequences of affairs. The fact that she could have continued to have a sexual affair with a neighbor behind your back for an extended time indicates she is quite the liar and know how to manipulate you very well.

Yeah, no kidding.

 

Again the fact that she did this for "the thrill of it" says it all on how she perceives you and your relationship. She knew you would not do anything. Her actions show she has no respect for you whatsoever. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have be so accepting as you? My friend if you do not respect yourself then who will? You deserve so much better. Please do not settle for this. If you do then you prove her assessment of you was indeed correct. I wish you luck.

I'll take this into consideration, thank you.

[Bryanp]

I think you are an intelligent person and however you decide I wish you the best of luck. I must take exception to the previous writer who stated the "the thrill of it all" reason was an acceptable reason for an affair.

 

I am sorry but I think this is the worst of all reasons. It would be more palatable if your spouse said she had fallen deeply in love with the other person. It would be painful but somewhat understandable. The fact that she said it was for "the thrill of it all" to possible destroy a marriage is heartless and shows a level of immaturity and selfishness that is beyond the pale. What does the "thrill of it all" mean:

1. Does it mean that she really enjoyed having sex with a neighbor because it was thrilling.?

2. Does it mean that it was really fun and thrilling to show ultimate disrespect to her husband by engaging in unprotective sex and putting her husband at risk for STD's.

3. Finally does the "thrill of it all" mean it was really thrilling and fun to betray her husband behind his back and making him look like a fool while screwing the neighbor behind his back and lying to you?

 

I am sorry but "the thrill of it all" excuse is so painful, destructive and disrespectful to you on so many levels that it would indicate that you really do not know who this woman really is. The "thrill of it all" excuse should make you think very hard whether you should dedicate the rest of your life with this woman. Clearly her "thrill of it all" was much more important to her than your marriage, relationship and family. This is such a pathetic excuse.

[Entropy3000]

I think you are an intelligent person and however you decide I wish you the best of luck. I must take exception to the previous writer who stated the "the thrill of it all" reason was an acceptable reason for an affair.

 

I am sorry but I think this is the worst of all reasons. It would be more palatable if your spouse said she had fallen deeply in love with the other person. It would be painful but somewhat understandable. The fact that she said it was for "the thrill of it all" to possible destroy a marriage is heartless and shows a level of immaturity and selfishness that is beyond the pale. What does the "thrill of it all" mean:

1. Does it mean that she really enjoyed having sex with a neighbor because it was thrilling.?

2. Does it mean that it was really fun and thrilling to show ultimate disrespect to her husband by engaging in unprotective sex and putting her husband at risk for STD's.

3. Finally does the "thrill of it all" mean it was really thrilling and fun to betray her husband behind his back and making him look like a fool while screwing the neighbor behind his back and lying to you?

 

I am sorry but "the thrill of it all" excuse is so painful, destructive and disrespectful to you on so many levels that it would indicate that you really do not know who this woman really is. The "thrill of it all" excuse should make you think very hard whether you should dedicate the rest of your life with this woman. Clearly her "thrill of it all" was much more important to her than your marriage, relationship and family. This is such a pathetic excuse.

 

 

Good post. I had the same feelings when I read the other post.

[Mr.Harris]

For some background, last year in March, my wife started an affair with one of our neighbours. I was completely oblivious to all of this until she broke down and confessed everything 3 months later. While I was somewhat skeptical with her story, I did find tangible evidence that corroborated with what she said. But I was still extremely hurt by this as you can imagine. Fortunately, I'm past the extreme depression phase but I've still got some very nasty thoughts and images floating around my head, so I'm not exactly in the clear.

 

My wife has been going the extra mile to show me that she is sorry, still loves me, and that she wishes to fix the marriage and I do believe that the affair isn't still going on. She has been completely open with her activities since the affair and I think that she is doing her best to regain my trust. My problem is that I am unsure as to what I want to next.

 

There is the large trust issue that has been constantly resurfacing these last few months. Also, prior to the affair, I saw my wife as an extremely honest and rational person, which is something I respected greatly. Having this happen has basically destroyed this view of her. I will admit that I also feel inadequate for her, though she reassures me that it isn't my fault; I just find that hard to believe. I sort of feel like all of the plans that we both had for the future have been invalidated for a number of reasons.

 

I suppose that one thing that is making it hard for me to move on, is that she basically said that she had the affair "for the thrill of it". No lack of sex or intimacy on my end; she just did it because she wanted to. This is the polar opposite of her usual attitude which has left me extremely confused.

 

We've been going to counselling. I told both her and the counsellor that I feel like I'm completely lost. Essentially, I can think of so many different ways to proceed from where I am, but I am conflicted by each available option. I still love my wife despite this, and I want to try and work things out, but I'm finding it hard to stay with her. We have a 13 year old daughter and I want to avoid the ugliness custody battle too. A part of me thinks that this is all pointless and that I should just leave her and live on my own. I'm not much of a people person so this actually wouldn't be too bad for me. But I don't want to leave while I still believe that there is a chance of our relationship being healed, which I do.

 

Honestly, all the anger and sadness is gone from me, the only thing I feel is disapointment in my wife.

 

Any advice from people who've been there would be appreciated.

 

Staying because of your daughter is not a good reason. What is that teaching your daughter about relationships? You deserve to be happy also instead of being miserable with someone who unjustifiably hurt you. Because no matter how hard your wife works to convince you to stay, the damage has already been done and it cannot be reversed. It's just best to divorce her, continue to take care of your child, and find a better woman. Don't wait until she's about to graduate high school to decide to leave. That's unhealthy to waste more of your life away. There is no excuse for her cheating and if she likes the thrill, she can do it without you paying the bills every month.

[Where To]

I am sorry but I think this is the worst of all reasons. It would be more palatable if your spouse said she had fallen deeply in love with the other person. It would be painful but somewhat understandable. The fact that she said it was for "the thrill of it all" to possible destroy a marriage is heartless and shows a level of immaturity and selfishness that is beyond the pale. What does the "thrill of it all" mean:

1. Does it mean that she really enjoyed having sex with a neighbor because it was thrilling.?

2. Does it mean that it was really fun and thrilling to show ultimate disrespect to her husband by engaging in unprotective sex and putting her husband at risk for STD's.

3. Finally does the "thrill of it all" mean it was really thrilling and fun to betray her husband behind his back and making him look like a fool while screwing the neighbor behind his back and lying to you?

I have though a lot about this, which has essentially made the reconciliation process so difficult. I would say that option number 1 seems like the most accurate interpretation from what I have gleaned. Thing is, unlike a lot of friends and co-workers who have gone around my back, my wife has never attempted to justify her behaviour or shift blame onto me. "This is all on me" came straight from her mouth. Doesn't make things much better though. I guess what really irks me is that her reasoning for her actions basically boils down to a lack of reasoning. I have admittedly compartmentalised parts of my life in the past but never to the degree that she just did.

 

What really hurts is that I've known her for over 25 years and this just seems like the opposite of who she is. She's usually a really bad liar for one thing.

 

Staying because of your daughter is not a good reason. What is that teaching your daughter about relationships?

True, I don't want my daughter to have to spend years of her life with a miserable Daddy. But my daughter isn't the only reason that I've decided to stay for the moment.

 

There is no such thing as a acceptable reason for an affair especially "just for the thrill of it".

True.

 

I don't know guys. It's not easy to think when your mind feels like it's been torn into a thousand pieces.

[whichwayisup]

If you decide to stay then you and your wife MUST go to marriage counselling and work together to make the marriage better. Of course the driving force to stay IS because of your daughter, not wanting to split up the family -- It's so pointless to stay and not work through things, stay because of a possible custody battle etc., there has to be other reasons to stay together other than your daughter.

 

You love your wife but the innocent (blind) trust you had in her is now gone due to her selfishness and choosing to cheat on you, have an affair.. Worse, with a neighbour!! Atleast she is remorseful, she confessed and didn't get caught or continue to go behind your back like many other wandering spouses do.. She's trying to prove to you she's worthy of a chance. Give her that chance, give it your best (together) and if marriage counselling doesn't work and enough time has gone by (atleast a year, if not more) and you still feel the same as you do now, then divorce. To walk away without trying to see if the marriage IS salvagable might be something you'd both regret one day.

[Where To]

We've been going to marriage counselling for a few months now.

 

Everthing else that you have typed is quite reasonable. We're taking it a day at a time at the moment. It is an uphill battle.

[drifter777]

Honestly, all the anger and sadness is gone from me, the only thing I feel is disapointment in my wife.

 

What do you mean by "disappointment"? Are you saying you don't have problems with images of her and OM? You are not angry at her for the lying and betrayal? For me, disappointment was not a word I would use to describe the feelings I had for my cheating wife. I was hurt, angry, humiliated, confused and disgusted by her slutty behavior. This is just to name a few.

 

How do you feel about the affair now? What do you feel when you see your wife and think of her and OM?

[Bryanp]

Have you asked your wife how she would be feeling if you had been having unprotected sex for months with an attractive neighbor behind her back on the grounds that you did it just for the thrill of it and it was fun?

 

How can you not feel looking over the months that she engaged in this affair that during this time frame that everything you believed in and shared (ie. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays) was a lie because she was banging the neighbor?

 

I wish you luck but the "thrill of it excuse" should really be a deal-breaker. She says it is all on her probably to cut off the questioning. Basically she is saying it is my fault that I did it for the thrill of it so lets move on.

 

You said that she probably liked the thrill of screwing the neighbor while you were at work. You my friend are in the fog. There is no way in the world that she did not think what would happen when this all came out. My guess is that she screwed this guy for months because she knew that you would not leave her and that you would go to counseling and all would eventually be fine. Please answer this question if you do not mind: If she knew for a fact and that you had previously made it clear that any cheating would immediately lead to a divorce; do you honestly think she would have continued to screw a neighbor for 3 months behind your back? She did it because she knew that she could survive the consequences. Am i wrong?

[Mr.Harris]

What really hurts is that I've known her for over 25 years and this just seems like the opposite of who she is. She's usually a really bad liar for one thing.

 

Cheaters are like crack addicts: They'll do anything to get their fix. Even if it means lying to the person they vowed to love dearly for eternity.

 

True, I don't want my daughter to have to spend years of her life with a miserable Daddy. But my daughter isn't the only reason that I've decided to stay for the moment.

 

So what is the other reason? Because you still have a little love left for your wife? That is understandable but obviously it doesn't seem it's enough, isn't it?

 

I don't know guys. It's not easy to think when your mind feels like it's been torn into a thousand pieces.

 

Trust me we all know how it feels. The question is how we choose to act with that information.

 

Your wife obviously by admittance did not care about the consequences of her actions, and even admitted to liking the fact that she played you for a fool. For the time being she's putting on a front for you to keep you from dismantling her steady security and life you helped build in the years you've been married to her. Not to even mention the fact that her own "confession" was staged to cover her own behind.

[Mz. Pixie]

I personally do believe it's possible to do something like this once and still be a good person. Your wife does seem to be taking responsibility for her actions and doing everything she can to work on your relationship.

 

I don't think that one act instantly means that she is not who you think she is or who you thought she was. Think of all of the other moments in your life together. It would be impossible to fake all of that and be someone else-for twenty five years.

 

I don't believe most women have affairs for sex-but perhaps for the thrill of it is not the best answer. I think perhaps she needs to dig a bit deeper into the reason why she decided to do this.

[Where To]

What do you mean by "disappointment"? Are you saying you don't have problems with images of her and OM? You are not angry at her for the lying and betrayal? For me, disappointment was not a word I would use to describe the feelings I had for my cheating wife. I was hurt, angry, humiliated, confused and disgusted by her slutty behavior. This is just to name a few.

I felt anger and sadness in the past. I'm "burnt-out" if you will. Doesn't mean I'm happy about the situation in the slightest.

 

How do you feel about the affair now? What do you feel when you see your wife and think of her and OM?

Disappointed. I don't know what that means to you, but for me, the feeling of disappointment is far more crushing than my anger, humiliation, confusion, or disgust towards my wife. I think my disappointment could last for years.

 

Have you asked your wife how she would be feeling if you had been having unprotected sex for months with an attractive neighbor behind her back on the grounds that you did it just for the thrill of it and it was fun?

Yes I did, she basically said that she would take it as well as I have. So not too well.

 

Although, I think that this is one experience where you really couldn't say how you would feel until it actually happens. And since I have remained faithful to my wife, she doesn't know what she would do.

 

How can you not feel looking over the months that she engaged in this affair that during this time frame that everything you believed in and shared (ie. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays) was a lie because she was banging the neighbor?

Yes, I do see the unpleasant side there.

 

I wish you luck but the "thrill of it excuse" should really be a deal-breaker. She says it is all on her probably to cut off the questioning. Basically she is saying it is my fault that I did it for the thrill of it so lets move on.

I haven't been letting sleeping dogs lie, and she's been continuously transparent about her actions.

 

If she knew for a fact and that you had previously made it clear that any cheating would immediately lead to a divorce; do you honestly think she would have continued to screw a neighbor for 3 months behind your back? She did it because she knew that she could survive the consequences. Am i wrong?

I don't know exactly. But let me make it clear. Despite its extremely serious repercussions, I don't fear divorce in the slightest, and there would be no hesitation on my end, if I felt that it was the best option.

[Where To]

Cheaters are like crack addicts: They'll do anything to get their fix. Even if it means lying to the person they vowed to love dearly for eternity.

It is possible that my wife was addicted to the oxytocin and vasopressin release. I've thought about that.

 

So what is the other reason? Because you still have a little love left for your wife? That is understandable but obviously it doesn't seem it's enough, isn't it?

You're absolutely correct, but love isn't enough under normal circumstances.

 

Your wife obviously by admittance did not care about the consequences of her actions, and even admitted to liking the fact that she played you for a fool. For the time being she's putting on a front for you to keep you from dismantling her steady security and life you helped build in the years you've been married to her. Not to even mention the fact that her own "confession" was staged to cover her own behind.

Quite a few assumptions there. She never acted that coldly.

 

I don't believe most women have affairs for sex-but perhaps for the thrill of it is not the best answer. I think perhaps she needs to dig a bit deeper into the reason why she decided to do this.

I've thought about deeper reasons why she might have had an affair.

 

But are you suggesting that it is unlikely for a person to commit an act for no rational reason?

 

It seems to happen quite often in life.

[Mr.Harris]

It is possible that my wife was addicted to the oxytocin and vasopressin release. I've thought about that.

 

No I wasn't referring to "chemicals" from the human body. I was speaking figuratively.

 

You're absolutely correct, but love isn't enough under normal circumstances.

 

That's what I was trying to say.

 

Quite a few assumptions there. She never acted that coldly.

 

Not assumptions, facts. She told you her "reason" for cheating, which was for the thrill, correct? So she basically said that she liked screwing you over, even though she never said it in those exact words. And also she confessed, you didn't find out. Most likely when cheaters "confess," they hold back many details of their affair, and only "confess" just to relieve their guilt, or someone else knew about the affair and threatened to expose.

 

I've thought about deeper reasons why she might have had an affair.

 

But are you suggesting that it is unlikely for a person to commit an act for no rational reason?

 

It seems to happen quite often in life.

 

Plain and simple: She cheated because she was selfish and no longer cared for the marriage. There's no deep reason or justifiability. She did it because she wanted to.

[Bryanp]

I agree with the previous posters that the only way you will really know the truth is by a polygraph. Cheaters always try to minimize the damage and go into damage control. Let me ask you this. Since he was a neighbor how can you be sure that during the 3 months they were having sex that your wife did not invite him to your house and in your bed. If this turned out to be true would this be a deal breaker for you? I personally would want to have too much information than not enough in order to make a reasonable decision. I wish you luck.

[y2k]

For some background, last year in March, my wife started an affair with one of our neighbours. I was completely oblivious to all of this until she broke down and confessed everything 3 months later. While I was somewhat skeptical with her story, I did find tangible evidence that corroborated with what she said. But I was still extremely hurt by this as you can imagine. Fortunately, I'm past the extreme depression phase but I've still got some very nasty thoughts and images floating around my head, so I'm not exactly in the clear.

 

My wife has been going the extra mile to show me that she is sorry, still loves me, and that she wishes to fix the marriage and I do believe that the affair isn't still going on. She has been completely open with her activities since the affair and I think that she is doing her best to regain my trust. My problem is that I am unsure as to what I want to next.

 

There is the large trust issue that has been constantly resurfacing these last few months. Also, prior to the affair, I saw my wife as an extremely honest and rational person, which is something I respected greatly. Having this happen has basically destroyed this view of her. I will admit that I also feel inadequate for her, though she reassures me that it isn't my fault; I just find that hard to believe. I sort of feel like all of the plans that we both had for the future have been invalidated for a number of reasons.

 

I suppose that one thing that is making it hard for me to move on, is that she basically said that she had the affair "for the thrill of it". No lack of sex or intimacy on my end; she just did it because she wanted to. This is the polar opposite of her usual attitude which has left me extremely confused.

 

We've been going to counselling. I told both her and the counsellor that I feel like I'm completely lost. Essentially, I can think of so many different ways to proceed from where I am, but I am conflicted by each available option. I still love my wife despite this, and I want to try and work things out, but I'm finding it hard to stay with her. We have a 13 year old daughter and I want to avoid the ugliness custody battle too. A part of me thinks that this is all pointless and that I should just leave her and live on my own. I'm not much of a people person so this actually wouldn't be too bad for me. But I don't want to leave while I still believe that there is a chance of our relationship being healed, which I do.

 

Honestly, all the anger and sadness is gone from me, the only thing I feel is disapointment in my wife.

 

Any advice from people who've been there would be appreciated.

 

My opinion is leave your wife and do it in good terms.

 

No one should stay with a cheater. Have respect for yourself.

 

If you leave your wife in good terms, the "custody battle" may not go bad. Don't yell at her. Don't threaten her. Just do it with class. Don't let your wife fool you with anything.

 

Also communicate with your daughter. Just because you would no longer be the husband of her mother, doesn't stop you from being her father. It doesn't matter who you are married to/with. You will always be her father.

 

Good luck.

[Where To]

No I wasn't referring to "chemicals" from the human body. I was speaking figuratively.

I understand.

 

Not assumptions, facts. She told you her "reason" for cheating, which was for the thrill, correct? So she basically said that she liked screwing you over, even though she never said it in those exact words. And also she confessed, you didn't find out. Most likely when cheaters "confess," they hold back many details of their affair, and only "confess" just to relieve their guilt, or someone else knew about the affair and threatened to expose.

You bring up some good points, I've been thinking about the levels of her dishonesty. Although, I have zero proof that there is anything more to the story and I have been searching quite a bit this past year.

 

Plain and simple: She cheated because she was selfish and no longer cared for the marriage. There's no deep reason or justifiability. She did it because she wanted to.

That's basically what she said, sans the "no longer care about the marriage" bit.

 

I agree with the previous posters that the only way you will really know the truth is by a polygraph.

While a polygraph isn't 100% accurate, I've considered it. My wife said she is willing to do it if it will help me.

 

My opinion is leave your wife and do it in good terms.

 

No one should stay with a cheater. Have respect for yourself.

 

If you leave your wife in good terms, the "custody battle" may not go bad. Don't yell at her. Don't threaten her. Just do it with class. Don't let your wife fool you with anything.

 

Also communicate with your daughter. Just because you would no longer be the husband of her mother, doesn't stop you from being her father. It doesn't matter who you are married to/with. You will always be her father.

 

Good luck.

Yep, that's the plan if things don't work out.

 

 

Your views are appreciated guys.

[robf1971]

Have you asked your wife how she would be feeling if you had been having unprotected sex for months with an attractive neighbor behind her back on the grounds that you did it just for the thrill of it and it was fun?

 

She would chuck OP out in a second I bet.. This woman needs kicking to the kerb. If she really wants you back make her walk barefoot over broken glass for you (metaphorically). Basically she has suffered f'all consequences for her actions massively increasing the likelihood it will happen again.

[rafallus]

Yeah, 3 months affair with neighbor was pretty conscious and sustainable decision on her part. She's clearly not the woman who you thought she was. I would leave her,

 

3. You said that she did it "for the thrill of it" and that this was the "polar opposite of her usual attitude." To me this is one of the acceptable reasons for an affair. Frequently a spouse presents one persona to their spouse when there is a polar opposite side yearning to get out. Taking her at her word, it had nothing to do with you, she just wanted some (sexual) excitement.

To me it is basically the worst reason possible. It's like saying "You didn't do anything wrong, but I cheated anyways. There was nothing you could do to prevent it".

 

Yeah, essentially a doomed thing.

[Guildford]

The vast majority of the posters here are saying “dump the lady.” Ask yourself about the totality of your marriage: was it good, do you love your wife and does she love you. If you can forgive her, look at this as a three month speed-bump in a twelve year plus good marriage. You can forgive, you won’t forget, but you can move on.

 

Your wife says that she did it “for the thrill of it.” If she had been married eleven plus years prior to the affair, then she has been having sex with the same man for that time and she may simply have wanted some variety. Give the lady some slack, some people can handle a sex diet of one partner year after year and some people have a difficult time with this. The sex drive can be a powerful motivating force and can drown out the voice of reason. From your description I would say that your wife has learned that her solution was not a good one.

 

Other posters here are saying that if you do not divorce her you have no respect for yourself, and she will assume that you will continue to accept adultery in the future. There is a middle ground between zero tolerance and being a door mat, and that is where true self-respect falls. If she has sincerely re-committed to monogamy you should forgive her and work on rebuilding the marriage; if she repeats the affair in the future then you can say the marriage is over and divorce her. Everyone makes mistakes and she has made a big one, but it is not an unforgiveable sin.

 

Regarding your daughter and what will your decision teach her regarding self-respect, you should talk to her now or perhaps when she is ready to begin dating about self-respect and tolerating abusive behavior. Point out that people make mistakes and they can learn from them if you let them know that such action will not be tolerated in the future. If they continue with the error then “kick them to the curb.” Finally, regarding the issue of whether the first mistake is so great that the relationship should be ended without a second chance, there is a difference of what a girl should forgive when she is dating and what a spouse should forgive after a good twelve year marriage. Good luck to you and your family.

Edited June 19, 2011 by Guildford

[Bryanp]

Where did your wife go to engage in the sexual affair for 3 months with your neighbor? Did it ever take place in your home? Hopefully this was not the case.

[Mr.Harris]

Since he was a neighbor how can you be sure that during the 3 months they were having sex that your wife did not invite him to your house and in your bed.

 

Good question.

 

Most likely since they were neighbors, she probably did.