At a crossroads after my wife's affair...

[Where To]

I've been entertaining the notion of separation for quite a while now. Certainly longer than since I started visiting LS. It seems like this is where we are going. My wife is moving out in a few days.

 

On the concept of forgiveness, I do think that I have, for the most part, forgiven her. I still obsess a little over the background of the affair, but for the most part, I've let go of a lot of the pain and accepted her actions. And I do believe that my wife is genuinely sorry for what she has done. She's been trying her best to make up for it. The problem is, the only postive emotion I still feel towards my wife is love. Both her and my daughter are at the top of my "love list". I just don't think that love is enough for this relationship to survive.

 

As I said before, I'm becoming apathetic towards both her and the marriage. I've told her this, and she still thinks that she can change my mind and work things out. I'm not so sure that it's going to happen.

 

If you are truly feeling apathetic... that means you are starting to lose the love you had for her. That is bad news for the idea of recovery.

I want reconciliation to happen, but if I'm being realistic with what I'm feeling, the marriage is over. We had a good run.

[John Michael Kane]

I've been entertaining the notion of separation for quite a while now. Certainly longer than since I started visiting LS. It seems like this is where we are going. My wife is moving out in a few days.

 

On the concept of forgiveness, I do think that I have, for the most part, forgiven her. I still obsess a little over the background of the affair, but for the most part, I've let go of a lot of the pain and accepted her actions. And I do believe that my wife is genuinely sorry for what she has done. She's been trying her best to make up for it. The problem is, the only postive emotion I still feel towards my wife is love. Both her and my daughter are at the top of my "love list". I just don't think that love is enough for this relationship to survive.

 

As I said before, I'm becoming apathetic towards both her and the marriage. I've told her this, and she still thinks that she can change my mind and work things out. I'm not so sure that it's going to happen.

 

I want reconciliation to happen, but if I'm being realistic with what I'm feeling, the marriage is over. We had a good run.

 

That's good to hear. You deserve the time to be alone.

[Bryanp]

I wish you luck. What did your wife think would happen when she engaged in this affair with your neighbor? Did she really think that there would be no consequences to her actions? If you betray the person who trusts you the most then why would you wish to remain with that person? Cheaters live on another planet.

[reboot]

Where To,

 

Do not let these people talk you into something you don't want to do. If you really want to divorce, that's perfectly acceptable, and certainly your right. If you want to try to save your marriage, that's also your right, and don't let these people lead you to believe it to be the wrong decision. Throwing away 12 years of marriage, tearing your daughters family unit in half, and uprooting everyone and everything in your life should not be a decision made lightly.

 

No, you are not to blame for your wife's affair, you have no fault there. Is that really all that matters? This is a serious, adult decision you have to make. Make it with your head and your heart, not with the kindergarten mentality people typically display here.

 

"Just divorce her and find someone else". Seriously? As if it is that easy? As if that's all there is to life, and a family unit, and children? Typical unthoughtful, BS advice made by your typical bitter and twisted LS poster.

 

It might very well be the right advice for you, but your state of mind makes you easily influenced right now, so just make sure whatever you decide is what YOU really want, not what they're telling you you should want.

[silktricks]

{snip}

 

There is the large trust issue that has been constantly resurfacing these last few months. Also, prior to the affair, I saw my wife as an extremely honest and rational person, which is something I respected greatly. Having this happen has basically destroyed this view of her.

 

{snip}

 

I suppose that one thing that is making it hard for me to move on, is that she basically said that she had the affair "for the thrill of it". No lack of sex or intimacy on my end; she just did it because she wanted to. This is the polar opposite of her usual attitude which has left me extremely confused.

 

We've been going to counselling. I told both her and the counsellor that I feel like I'm completely lost. Essentially, I can think of so many different ways to proceed from where I am, but I am conflicted by each available option. I still love my wife despite this, and I want to try and work things out, but I'm finding it hard to stay with her. We have a 13 year old daughter and I want to avoid the ugliness custody battle too. A part of me thinks that this is all pointless and that I should just leave her and live on my own.

 

{snip}

.

I haven't read this thread, so may be repeating someone else. However:

 

I don't know your age, nor your marital history, but I'd like make a couple of comments... First, a person can be very "honest and rational" and still do something "for the thrill of it". No one (other than maybe a few posters here ) is completely one-dimensional. Someone can be very rational but do on occasion something completely irrational. In fact, that is very normal human behavior.

 

In respect to her honesty, the fact is that she told you about the affair after only 3 months. She could have continued it, or she could have never told you. She chose to tell you the truth. That is to be commended.

 

If you are finding it hard to stay with her, though, you need to honor those feelings. Reconciliation is very difficult. It takes 100% effort from both spouses to make it work.

 

If I read your post right, you've only known of the affair for a couple of months. That's extremely early days in recovery, as it normally takes a few years to fully recover a marriage. If after just a few months you feel you don't want to work at it any longer, then it may be that reconciliation will not be something you will be able to accomplish. On the other hand, you have a lot of history, you say you still love her and you have a daughter. Those are not things to be disregarded without very close self-examination.

 

Best of luck to you, regardless of which path you and your wife ultimately choose.

Edited June 28, 2011 by silktricks

[reboot]

I have no agenda, and the only advice I was offering was to be careful of listening to people like YOU Mr.Harris. I don't personally care what he does. Divorce his wife, stay with his wife, it matters not to me. I've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt buddy.

[Owl]

Where to, I think the bottom line is that you need to work through this for yourself, and get to the point where you can make a choice about what you want as an outcome of all of this.

 

Once you've decided what it is that you hope to achieve...post it here on LS.

 

If you choose to divorce...there are a number of posters who have been through that process and can support you as you work through it.

 

If you choose to reconcile...there are a number of posters who have been through that process and can support you as you work through it as well.

 

The bottom line is that the choice is the most critical part...and is entirely up to you...it's not something that anyone on LS can (or should) make for you.

 

Let us know what it is you choose...and regardless, there are people here who can provide you support to work through how to achieve your goal.

[reboot]

Read his first couple of posts, and then his last couple of posts, and the influences he's been subjected to here are marked. That's what I hate to see. Posters should be advising, not leading for their own selfish intents.

[John Michael Kane]

He said he wanted to do it and he thought about it extensively.

 

 

 

Okay so what's the problem? Ah you're frustrated because he's choosing to do something you don't agree with. Typical.

 

 

 

No one is putting a gun to his head. Just because you don't agree with a few people doesn't mean he's being somehow forced to divorce his own wife. His wife threw away 12 years of marriage and tore up her daughter's family unit in half when she decided to cheat. Trying to guilt him into staying shows that you have a warped agenda of your own.

 

 

 

How childish is it for someone to question someone's decision to divorce because he doesn't agree with a few posters? Immaturity.

 

 

 

The same can be asked of his wife who cheated. Marriage is hard so it's okay to cheat, right?

 

 

 

Typical unthoughtful, bs "advice" made by your typical bitter and twisted LS poster with an apparent agenda with those who decide to move on with their lives.

 

 

 

Exactly. You talk about someone telling him what they want and here you are telling him what you want. He came here for advice and we gave it to him. He said he thought about it for a considerable amount of time and now he's made his decision. Sorry that it doesn't fit your boot size but tough for you.

 

Good post.

[John Michael Kane]

Read his first couple of posts, and then his last couple of posts, and the influences he's been subjected to here are marked.

 

The whole point of LS is to give advice.

 

That's what I hate to see.

 

So you hate seeing advice different than your own.

 

Posters should be advising, not leading for their own selfish intents.

 

You should follow what you just posted above.

[John Michael Kane]

Where to, I think the bottom line is that you need to work through this for yourself, and get to the point where you can make a choice about what you want as an outcome of all of this.

 

Once you've decided what it is that you hope to achieve...post it here on LS.

 

If you choose to divorce...there are a number of posters who have been through that process and can support you as you work through it.

 

If you choose to reconcile...there are a number of posters who have been through that process and can support you as you work through it as well.

 

The bottom line is that the choice is the most critical part...and is entirely up to you...it's not something that anyone on LS can (or should) make for you.

 

Let us know what it is you choose...and regardless, there are people here who can provide you support to work through how to achieve your goal.

 

Thought you said you weren't going to post to those who wished to divorce.

[reboot]

 

I still love my wife despite this, and I want to try and work things out

 

I don't want to leave while I still believe that there is a chance of our relationship being healed, which I do.

 

 

From his original post. Does that sound like he had made the decision to divorce?

 

Next?

[Owl]

Thought you said you weren't going to post to those who wished to divorce.

 

He clearly hasn't decided. That's the whole point of my response. He needs to decide first...then LS can provide support to work through how to achieve whichever goal he chooses.

 

Thought that was pretty clear in this post...thanks for letting me know it needed to be spelled out a little more clearly.

[John Michael Kane]

He clearly hasn't decided. That's the whole point of my response.

 

He clearly has decided. His wife is moving out in a few days.

 

He needs to decide first...then LS can provide support to work through how to achieve whichever goal he chooses.

 

We've already been providing support.

 

Thought that was pretty clear in this post...thanks for letting me know it needed to be spelled out a little more clearly.

 

Nope.

[John Michael Kane]

From his original post. Does that sound like he had made the decision to divorce?

 

Next?

 

I'll make it clear for both you and Owl on what he said.

 

 

I've been entertaining the notion of separation for quite a while now. Certainly longer than since I started visiting LS. It seems like this is where we are going. My wife is moving out in a few days.

 

On the concept of forgiveness, I do think that I have, for the most part, forgiven her. I still obsess a little over the background of the affair, but for the most part, I've let go of a lot of the pain and accepted her actions. And I do believe that my wife is genuinely sorry for what she has done. She's been trying her best to make up for it. The problem is, the only postive emotion I still feel towards my wife is love. Both her and my daughter are at the top of my "love list". I just don't think that love is enough for this relationship to survive.

 

As I said before, I'm becoming apathetic towards both her and the marriage. I've told her this, and she still thinks that she can change my mind and work things out. I'm not so sure that it's going to happen.

 

I want reconciliation to happen, but if I'm being realistic with what I'm feeling, the marriage is over. We had a good run.

[reboot]

He's in the earliest of stages. He might change his mind a dozen times. Everything you just posted shows how confused and conflicted he is. Easy prey for you.

[Owl]

JMK, I'm going to say this ONCE...and then refuse to go off topic with you further.

 

You will not run me off of a thread, you will not run me off of LS, and you will not dictate where I post, what I post, or how I post.

 

That's all that needs to be said...anything further along these lines will be continuing to TJ the OP's thread for your own intents.

 

There's nothing left to discuss on this subject between us. If you continue to try to harass me or attempt to discredit me, I'll let the moderator handle that as required.

[John Michael Kane]

Easy prey for you.

 

Who's preying on him? Nobody.

[John Michael Kane]

JMK, I'm going to say this ONCE...and then refuse to go off topic with you further.

 

You will not run me off of a thread, you will not run me off of LS, and you will not dictate where I post, what I post, or how I post.

 

The same goes for you.

 

That's all that needs to be said...anything further along these lines will be continuing to TJ the OP's thread for your own intents.

Same for you.

 

There's nothing left to discuss on this subject between us. If you continue to try to harass me or attempt to discredit me, I'll let the moderator handle that as required.

Nobody is harassing you or trying to take away your title on LS, and you act as if you're the only one who can't report any posts (not that I need to).

[Owl]

I've been entertaining the notion of separation for quite a while now. Certainly longer than since I started visiting LS. It seems like this is where we are going. My wife is moving out in a few days.

 

As I said before, I'm becoming apathetic towards both her and the marriage. I've told her this, and she still thinks that she can change my mind and work things out. I'm not so sure that it's going to happen.

 

I want reconciliation to happen, but if I'm being realistic with what I'm feeling, the marriage is over. We had a good run.

 

This is pretty common...pretty much everyone faces similar feelings after infidelity.

 

Not all marriages survive when one partner cheats on another...they say that less than 30% are still together 5 years post "d-day" typically. And some percentage of those that are still together may not have truly 'dealt with' the affair and recovered the marriage.

 

I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture for you...but a realistic one.

 

For many, divorce becomes the only option.

 

My one bit of advice to you would be to realize that you can only truly go in ONE direction at a time. You can't work towards divorce and hope to leave reconciliation possible. You can't work towards reconciliation and still be able to work out the best divorcee path either.

 

That's why I stress CHOOSING a direction and moving towards it as your primary need right now.

 

Either option is a good one...only you can figure out which one is the right one for you. And as I'd stressed earlier...there are posters here on LS with experience that can support you whichever direction you choose.

[reboot]

He's not the one with the agenda it is you.

 

What in the world do you think my agenda is? Do you even have a clue what my background is?

 

I have not recommended any course of action to the OP. I merely warned him about listening too closely to the trolls and sock puppets.

[What_Next]

I see 2 head of the hydra are tearing into this thread as well .

 

To further what Owl said, you need to know that reconciliation if attempted MUST be done so only if BOTH partners are 100% willing to go through it together. If one side or the other is dragging their feet or not comitted there is virtually no chance for success.

 

Taking the time now to process the events that have transpired and make a wise decision by yourself will be extremely beneficial. There are 2 paths in front of you, chose one, but do so after careful thought on the matter.

[reboot]

I knew you knew nothing about me.

[silktricks]

To further what Owl said, you need to know that reconciliation if attempted MUST be done so only if BOTH partners are 100% willing to go through it together. If one side or the other is dragging their feet or not comitted there is virtually no chance for success.

 

Taking the time now to process the events that have transpired and make a wise decision by yourself will be extremely beneficial. There are 2 paths in front of you, chose one, but do so after careful thought on the matter.

 

Where To, these are very good points to remember. Reconciliation is possible, but difficult. It takes a lot of work. It also has given some of us who have gone through it a satisfying and loving marriage.

But, it's a lot of work.

 

Since it sounds like you are still in the should I/shouldn't I stage, please do be careful that and make sure you are making your OWN decisions. Don't be swayed by people on LS in either direction, as it is your life and your families life that you need to be concerned with - not the opinions of a bunch of anonymous posters on an internet board.

 

Oh yeah, and please read the posts of the actual posters, not what other posters say about the posts that can give very skewed opinion and statements. For example, I never said that recovery was a long-shot, as someone said I said. I said it was difficult. Totally different statement.

[John Michael Kane]

I knew you knew nothing about me.

 

Well it doesn't really matter because OP is important here.