At a crossroads after my wife's affair...

[John Michael Kane]

Since it sounds like you are still in the should I/shouldn't I stage, please do be careful that and make sure you are making your OWN decisions. Don't be swayed by people on LS in either direction, as it is your life and your families life that you need to be concerned with - not the opinions of a bunch of anonymous posters on an internet board.

 

He already said he has made his decision but if our opinion doesn't really mean anything then he and the rest of us wouldn't be here.

 

For example, I never said that recovery was a long-shot, as someone said I said. I said it was difficult. Totally different statement.

 

You may not have said it was a longshot, but that's the truth nonetheless, so there's no reason to try and pucker up and give him false advice, as if reconciliation is so easy even though you know it is not.

[jwi71]

I've been entertaining the notion of separation for quite a while now. Certainly longer than since I started visiting LS. It seems like this is where we are going. My wife is moving out in a few days.

 

On the concept of forgiveness, I do think that I have, for the most part, forgiven her. I still obsess a little over the background of the affair, but for the most part, I've let go of a lot of the pain and accepted her actions. And I do believe that my wife is genuinely sorry for what she has done. She's been trying her best to make up for it. The problem is, the only postive emotion I still feel towards my wife is love. Both her and my daughter are at the top of my "love list". I just don't think that love is enough for this relationship to survive.

 

As I said before, I'm becoming apathetic towards both her and the marriage. I've told her this, and she still thinks that she can change my mind and work things out. I'm not so sure that it's going to happen.

 

I want reconciliation to happen, but if I'm being realistic with what I'm feeling, the marriage is over. We had a good run.

 

How is the decision to separate going to help?

What specifically can be accomplished in this separation that continued cohabitation precludes?

What steps can you identify that would help you rekindle passion for your W?

 

Despite some other verbose and active participants on your thread, you do not seem certain in your course. You agree to separation and continue to speak of a hopeful reconciliation. Like Owl has said, you need to decide which path you want and do it.

 

Can you unequivocally share what you want?

Snap decision. When you think of what you want as it pertains to this, what is your first thought?

[Where To]

First off, I just came here for advice. There is no way in hell that I'm going to let these posters make my decisions for me.

 

We've been trying to reconcile for over a year now. My wife has been burning bridges and jumping through hoops, pretty much anything and everything. I believe that she is sorry. I do. We've been going to MC. Going on date nights. Communicating far more than usual. And it is not like I've been sitting down and jerking off my jimmy. I have been working hard on this too.

 

But the hard truth is that I have simply emotionally disconnected from her during the reconciliation process. I've told her that I'm becoming more apathetic to her and she responds by trying harder. I've told her that it isn't working and she tries even harder. She's at a point where she is hurting herself more than she is helping us. I just feel sorry for her. I suggested that she move out so that she can get some time for herself and I can get some time for myself.

 

I've moved on from the affair, for the most part. There is still some lingering paranoia but I don't want to live in the past. I've forgiven her. The thing is, my wife and I are at different stages at our lives. The affair itself, and the reconciliation process have both been the driving factors for this gulf.

 

Ideally, separation would allow us enough space to realise what we would both be losing and allow us to reconnect. But what I really think is that separation would simply be the next step in out inevitable divorce. My opinion might change in a year or two.

 

I want reconciliation, but I expect that it isn't really going to happen. I've accepted that. My wife hasn't.

[John Michael Kane]

If your wife wants to reconcile why is she moving out?

 

That makes no sense.

 

He wanted her to.

[Where To]

He wanted her to.

 

Thank you.

 

Anyway, I think that I've made my choice for now. From what I have seen, my wife wants to save the marriage. I'm not 100% committed and I'm not going to lead her on.

 

So we'll separate, and see how we feel in a few months.

[John Michael Kane]

Thank you.

 

Anyway, I think that I've made my choice for now. From what I have seen, my wife wants to save the marriage. I'm not 100% committed and I'm not going to lead her on.

 

So we'll separate, and see how we feel in a few months.

 

Well that's good. Give yourself time to breathe.

[Owl]

But since he wanted her out and doesn't intend to reconcile...she CAN indeed **** whomever she wants.

 

Who cares?

 

He's made his choice...nothing wrong with that. Gotta respect someone who makes up their mind.

 

I've got no experience with divorce, Where to, but absolutely respect your choice to seperate and move towards that path.

 

There are a couple of posters already on your thread with experience in that area...there's also another area here on LS specific to "seperation and divorce", where you might also be able to get more support as well. Rock on, man.

[John Michael Kane]

But since he wanted her out and doesn't intend to reconcile...she CAN indeed **** whomever she wants.

 

No. Why continue to be a cheating tramp?

[rafallus]

No. Why continue to be a cheating tramp?

 

If they broke up, she's not cheating.

[John Michael Kane]

If they broke up, she's not cheating.

 

They're still married.

[Memphis Raines]

I suppose that one thing that is making it hard for me to move on, is that she basically said that she had the affair "for the thrill of it". No lack of sex or intimacy on my end; she just did it because she wanted to. This is the polar opposite of her usual attitude which has left me extremely confused.

 

thats the thing. if she is being truthful here, which you can't be sure of with a cheater, then this means that everything can be going great and she just all of a sudden wants to do it with some other guy for a thrill.

 

in other words, no matter what you do, or how well you treat her, she wants that thrill and that feeling will never go away whether she ever physically cheats again or not.

 

and I'll tell you one thing, hopefully she never has to go away on a business trip, or some other trip without you. Because if she knows you won't find out, she'll want that thrill again.

 

when she did it with a neighbor, I'm sure she knew there was a good chance you might find out. whether from him, or other neighbors that know something is up.

 

so if you decide to stay with her, she can't be trusted when away from you.

[Where To]

You know, at this point, if my wife continued along the infidelity path, the divorce would be a lot easier for me to go through with. I think I said this before but she will be staying with her parents, including her elderly shut-in dad. So she wouldn't be sleeping around over there. Which means that she would have to go to the other man's/men's house. And since we live in a small town, odds are, the neighbours will notice. Gossip spreads around fast over here. Even though that wasn't my initial intention, I do kinda have her trapped.

 

thats the thing. if she is being truthful here, which you can't be sure of with a cheater, then this means that everything can be going great and she just all of a sudden wants to do it with some other guy for a thrill.

I've thought about that. It seems like a one time thing from what I have seen. I theorise that she is going through her MLC, which seems to have played a part. I brought this up before, but my wife isn't a "party girl", so by having an affair for the "thrill of it" she is also breaking up some of the monotony of her life. Bringing in some excitement. Judging by what has happened, I can determine that the experience wasn't as enjoyable as she would've thought. If she couldn't pull off an affair once without breaking down, I doubt that she could do it again. She hasn't said any of this though.

 

In any case, all the drama that I've been through this year has drained away most of my desire to be with this woman. Reconciliation for me involves actually wanting to be with my wife.

[silktricks]

In any case, all the drama that I've been through this year has drained away most of my desire to be with this woman. Reconciliation for me involves actually wanting to be with my wife.

 

Reconciliation without desire is not reconciliation - it's just living together, and that is no life. I wish you (and your wife, too) all the best. It could be that separation will actually help once more fuel desire for you, and it could be that it will cement the termination. Either way in the end will be an improvement, as living in limbo just plain sucks.

 

I have been through one divorce, but it was a very long time ago. However, if there's any advice/comments I can make in the future I will do so. Take care.

[John Michael Kane]

You know, at this point, if my wife continued along the infidelity path, the divorce would be a lot easier for me to go through with. I think I said this before but she will be staying with her parents, including her elderly shut-in dad. So she wouldn't be sleeping around over there. Which means that she would have to go to the other man's/men's house. And since we live in a small town, odds are, the neighbours will notice. Gossip spreads around fast over here. Even though that wasn't my initial intention, I do kinda have her trapped.

 

I've thought about that. It seems like a one time thing from what I have seen. I theorise that she is going through her MLC, which seems to have played a part. I brought this up before, but my wife isn't a "party girl", so by having an affair for the "thrill of it" she is also breaking up some of the monotony of her life. Bringing in some excitement. Judging by what has happened, I can determine that the experience wasn't as enjoyable as she would've thought. If she couldn't pull off an affair once without breaking down, I doubt that she could do it again. She hasn't said any of this though.

 

In any case, all the drama that I've been through this year has drained away most of my desire to be with this woman. Reconciliation for me involves actually wanting to be with my wife.

 

Peace be with you brother.

[What_Next]

A very wise observation by silltricks, if your heart is not into it then do not attempt reconciliation, it will fail. I also agree that perhaps some time apart might do you some good. That whole absence making the heart grow fonder thing

[reboot]

That whole absence making the heart grow fonder thing

 

It's been my experience that absence mostly just dulls the memory....

[2sunny]

i am seeing it from this angle... since she says she "did it for the thrill of it" - she hasn't owned it for something she DID DO! she made the choice - then acted on that choice. she hasn't revealed what lead her to THAT DECISION to betray you.

 

since she hasn't owned the behavior that is hers - and hers only - there is NO reason to believe she won't do it again.

 

finding what allowed the person who cheated - to JUSTIFY that behavior - and ACT upon that justified behavior - that caused HARM to others - and still acting like it didn't happen - or not going to ANY length to repair the damage SHE caused - is what seems to be in the way of the marriage becoming healthy.

 

denial - she is using it to her advantage.

 

you are also making assumptions - which is not healthy for you - even IF she is living with her parents - and she may see her OM... doesn't mean that people will tell you - even if they see what she may or may not be doing.

 

assume she is away so it allows her to DO what she wants to do - without you around... that IS the most likely reason she will stay away.

[Where To]

I don't know your age, nor your marital history, but I'd like make a couple of comments... First, a person can be very "honest and rational" and still do something "for the thrill of it". No one (other than maybe a few posters here ) is completely one-dimensional. Someone can be very rational but do on occasion something completely irrational. In fact, that is very normal human behavior.

That's what I've been thinking. Is it that hard to believe that she did the deed for no real reason? Even after digging for so long from so many different sources, there is no proof of a detailed backstory behind her actions. I've quit looking for things that I doubt are even there. I suppose that if there is more, I've stopped caring for the most part. If the affair is still going on, then I will hurt, but I'll hardly be surprised. And I can get complete closure on the issue.

 

I will say this: despite what my wife has done, she isn't some cartoonish supervillain. Definitely isn't a saint though.

 

It's been my experience that absence mostly just dulls the memory....

Still have a sliver of hope. But if this happens, I'd be glad in some ways. Frankly, there would be a lot less ambiguity in my available choices. If whatever is left of the marriage can't survive a 6 month split, than it can't survive period.

 

Anyway, for now, I'll employ the wait and see approach. Keep on doin' what I'm doin'.

[2sunny]

you keep on doing what you're doing - and you should expect to get exactly what you've been getting. no one to blame at that point but you - for NOT setting down some guidelines that invoke change...

 

patient / passive - allowing $hit to happen and not DOING something about it...

 

what you do is your business... but putting yourself and your happiness level at th mercy of her and her actions/inactions is not a good idea.

[jnj express]

Some of your apathy---is caused IMHO, by knowing that if you stay---you more than likely will be somewhat miserable, cuz everytime you look at her, she will trigger your sub-conscious, amonst other things.

 

Making a fresh new start takes your mind in another direction, and you might get back some of your carefree life, that she has taken from you---also peace of mind may slowly come back

 

If you stay---you will always be wondering---at parties, you will not really have enjoyment, cuz you will always be looking to see what she is doing----If she changes her patterns drastically even one time---say even far into the future---she will trigger all the emotions of what she has done to you-----these are the things a betrayed reconciling spouse must endure-----It doesn't sound like you are willing to do that to yourself

 

Your wife is fighting tooth and nail, cuz for one very selfish reason---she does not want to go out into the big bad world, as a single divorced woman--

 

For another--Her lifestyle will go from having been very comfortable, to having to work long hard hours just to make ends meet----she also knows---the pickings out there in her age group are pretty slim

 

For a woman who did it for thrills, those thrills, she will come regret the rest of her life

[Headspin]

Some of your apathy---is caused IMHO, by knowing that if you stay---you more than likely will be somewhat miserable, cuz everytime you look at her, she will trigger your sub-conscious, amonst other things.

 

Making a fresh new start takes your mind in another direction, and you might get back some of your carefree life, that she has taken from you---also peace of mind may slowly come back

 

If you stay---you will always be wondering---at parties, you will not really have enjoyment, cuz you will always be looking to see what she is doing----If she changes her patterns drastically even one time---say even far into the future---she will trigger all the emotions of what she has done to you-----these are the things a betrayed reconciling spouse must endure-----It doesn't sound like you are willing to do that to yourself

 

Your wife is fighting tooth and nail, cuz for one very selfish reason---she does not want to go out into the big bad world, as a single divorced woman--

 

For another--Her lifestyle will go from having been very comfortable, to having to work long hard hours just to make ends meet----she also knows---the pickings out there in her age group are pretty slim

 

For a woman who did it for thrills, those thrills, she will come regret the rest of her life

 

I think jnj is right. I've been trying to forgive my W for her **** too. You know what? It just pisses me off over and over cuz buddy...we didn't sign up for this ****. We didn't ask for it nor do we deserve it. Woman have a million excuses as to why it was "okay". They justify this **** to make them selves feel better. ****'em they need a wake up call. Find a new one and make a new start. You deserve more than this! Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm coming to a crossroads myself. Yes, if you haven't figured it out already...I'm in the "angry" stage. Tell her to **** off.

[Where To]

what you do is your business... but putting yourself and your happiness level at th mercy of her and her actions/inactions is not a good idea.

 

Who says I'm sacrificing my happiness? I'm really focussing on my daughter's well-being, and my own for now. If my wife is going to cheat, than she is going to cheat. Me worrying about it isn't going to stop her. And if she doesn't cheat than she doesn't cheat. If that happens, the marriage may still have a very small shot.

 

I think you have it the wrong way round anyway. I sympathise and empathise with others who have been in my position, but I could be in a far worse emotional state at the moment. My wife is the emotional wreck out of the two of us.

 

Anyway, I'm going to take a break from here. Might update later.

[John Michael Kane]

Who says I'm sacrificing my happiness? I'm really focussing on my daughter's well-being, and my own for now. If my wife is going to cheat, than she is going to cheat. Me worrying about it isn't going to stop her. And if she doesn't cheat than she doesn't cheat. If that happens, the marriage may still have a very small shot.

 

I think you have it the wrong way round anyway. I sympathise and empathise with others who have been in my position, but I could be in a far worse emotional state at the moment. My wife is the emotional wreck out of the two of us.

 

Anyway, I'm going to take a break from here. Might update later.

 

Hey man don't worry about that ignorant comment. They're just mad about they're own situation. You absolutely have the right to be happy in this situation, don't forget that. She didn't care whether she hurt you when she broke her vows so why should you remain?

 

And a happy parent is a better parent.

[Owl]

Where to...pls realize I'm not picking a fight...I'm just confused on what specifically you're doing at this point.

 

What's your 'plan' from here?

 

Seperation pending divorce?

 

Seperation pending a choice to reconcile or divorce?

 

Remaining together and "seeing what happnes"?

 

Actively working to reconcile the marriage?

 

I'm not steering you in any direction, and I have no vested interest in your choice. I'm just not clear on what your choice is at this point...what is your long-term goal?

[Where To]

Okay, I guess I lied. Appreciate the questions Owl.

 

Seperation pending a choice to reconcile or divorce?

 

This. A six month split to give us both the space that we need.

 

And if my wife decides to sleep around with Studd McHorsec*ck during this process, that's fine with me. I'll know exactly what to do.

 

We've tried remaining together and actively working on reconciliation for over a year. Just made things worse.

 

Now I'm taking a break from here.