At a crossroads after my wife's affair...

[Sh0t]

Good thread. I read every post. I thank the OP for sharing his story.

 

Best of luck to him/you.

 

I think jnj is right, your wife wants to reconcile because she is afraid of being a divorced woman during her MLC. I also see a pattern in your posts that pretty much says she is a chronic cheater, you just never saw it.

 

Like several other posters, I believe she confessed because somebody was going to inform you, and she tried to preempt that. I think a lot of her contriteness is to keep you from looking deeper, or further back into the past.

 

That said, I would not be surprised if OP and his wife reconcile. It's pretty clear he loves his wife, and is worried about the situation it leaves his daughter in. Never a an easy choice.

[Where To]

Well, I've decided to start filing for divorce. I know that it seems like I'm rushing into things, but it's been a very enlightening two weeks. I won't go into too many details on this but suffice to say, I've been talking with some of my friends, family (mine and her own), and a counselor about this, and I know what I have to do.

 

Again, there is no evidence that suggests that my wife has had any other affairs or has been dishonest. She's staying at her parent's house.

 

I just want to be single and alone for a little while. Focus on myself. Focus on my daughter. Even after all of this, I hope that I'll still be friends with my soon-to-be ex years down the line.

 

All this drama has basically worn me down. And worn down the marriage.

 

As a final note, I am concerned about my wife's mental health. I've been talking to her doctor about this and reading some books on it. But I don't have much personal experience in this area. Any advice from anyone who has dealt with a nervous breakdown in the past, would be helpful. She's suffering from panic attacks and depression. I want to support her without giving off any false hope.

 

Of course, I don't expect too much help. This isn't the best forum for advice like that.

[jnj express]

Her mental health is shot cuz of what she is facing on her own----You 2 have been together since early on, in your lives----she has always had someone to go thru life with---either her parents, or you---now if you D., all of a sudden, she is on her own---to do everything----there are probably aspects of life, that many of us do naturally, that she has never done----she is facing that, and it probably terrifies her.

 

I wanna ask you this----basically you never knew---she had gotten away with her A., clean----you hadn't known it had happened---so why did she "out" herself---the mge., was still good, she could have taken her dirty dark little secret to her grave--(so many do)---Why did she find it necessary to tell you

[Where To]

It's a bit more serious than that jnj. I think that my wife may be self harming. We're helping her through this.

 

I wanna ask you this----basically you never knew---she had gotten away with her A., clean----you hadn't known it had happened---so why did she "out" herself---the mge., was still good, she could have taken her dirty dark little secret to her grave--(so many do)---Why did she find it necessary to tell you

It's something that I said to her doing the first year of our relationship.

 

"I don't want you to be protect me from the truth under any circumstance."

 

That is one thing that I respect about her. Maybe she did it out of guilt, or maybe it was her conscience. In any case, she gave me the choice to act by telling me the truth. I would never want to live a life of ignorance.

 

I would hope that if I ever had an affair, I would be able to confess to my wife.

[Guildford]

Where To – You said that you told your wife to be completely honest with you when you married her. If and when you get married again I hope that you will be as honest with your new wife as you asked your soon to be x-wife to be with you. Tell her all the details of how your first marriage ended. If your new wife does have an affair (approximately 50 percent of married people have affairs) I guarantee that she will not voluntarily tell you of the tryst as your first wife did. If you suspect that she has stepped out and ask her about it, she will lie, lie, and lie. She will have no incentive to be honest with you knowing what honesty got your first wife.

 

When you ask a loved one to be completely honest with you, you have a duty to work with the person without imposing a strict set of morals. Otherwise, in the long run, you can forget about your loved ones being honest with you.

 

It is evident that your wife values monogamy, but she did not view extramarital sex as serious an offense as you do. She believed that honesty, love and contrition would save the marriage. During the past year she has done everything in her power to make amends for what she did and in the end she is still faced with divorce. She could have avoided all this trouble by simply keeping her mouth closed. I suspect that this is playing a major roll in her current mental problems.

Edited July 17, 2011 by Guildford

[David Cain]

Where To – You said that you told your wife to be completely honest with you when you married her. If and when you get married again I hope that you will be as honest with your new wife as you asked your soon to be x-wife to be with you.

 

Don't know why are you stating that. He's not the one who cheated.

 

Tell her all the details of how your first marriage ended. If your new wife does have an affair (approximately 50 percent of married people have affairs) I guarantee that she will not voluntarily tell you of the tryst as your first wife did. If you suspect that she has stepped out and ask her about it, she will lie, lie, and lie. She will have no incentive to be honest with you knowing what honesty got your first wife.

 

Cheaters cheat because they are selfish so if his future wife cheats it won't be because she knows his first wife cheated. That doesn't even make sense.

 

When you ask a loved one to be completely honest with you, you have a duty to work with the person without imposing a strict set of morals. Otherwise, in the long run, you can forget about your loved ones being honest with you.

 

You're trying to make him feel guilty for leaving his wife and your argument makes no sense. He doesn't have a "duty" to stay with a cheater. If anyone wasn't being honest it was her. And being faithful is not some strict moral. If you don't want to be faithful then don't get into a relationship.

 

It is evident that your wife values monogamy, but she did not view extramarital sex as serious an offense as you do. It's not just a "serious offense" to only him.

 

If his wife valued monogamy she would've never cheated on him. And of course she does not view cheating as a serious offense. It's why she cheated.

 

She believed that honesty, love and contrition would save the marriage.

 

And bumping and grinding with someone next door is a good way to show it, right?

 

During the past year she has done everything in her power to make amends for what she did and in the end she is still faced with divorce.

 

Exactly and it's justified. He has that right. And just because a year has passed doesn't excuse what happened. He has been dealt a traumatic blow.

 

She could have avoided all this trouble by simply keeping her mouth closed. I suspect that this is playing a major roll in her current mental problems.

 

See this is the type of thinking that tears up a lot of marriages and gets a lot of people in trouble: She could've avoided all of this by simply keeping those legs closed and telling him what her problem was, or divorced him. Not resorting to cheating.

[Where To]

What this split has shown me, is that my wife has her own personal demons to fight. She has been talking a lot about them in our therapy sessions these past two weeks. There is some truly horrible stuff that I didn't know about. God knows what else she has been repressing.

 

You're trying to make him feel guilty for leaving his wife and your argument makes no sense. He doesn't have a "duty" to stay with a cheater.

Thank you. I have no obligation to stay with her, anymore than she has to stay with me.

 

We're in a codependent relationship. I want out. It's unhealthy for her to stay with me. She's been leaning on me far too much during all of this.

 

And of course she does not view cheating as a serious offense.

Trust me, she does. You can do something that compromises your morals and feel awful afterwards.

 

but she did not view extramarital sex as serious an offense as you do.

Don't really care that much about the sex. Broken trust is the only thing that hurts us. We set up our boundaries early on in the relationship.

 

I've also seen an extremely ugly side to my wife this past year. I'm willing to support her through this in a platonic relationship since I still love her, but nothing beyond that.

 

She could have avoided all this trouble by simply keeping her mouth closed.

Doubt it. She isn't the "manipulate my husband's trust with lies and silence" kinda girl. I'm sure the stress from keeping quiet would've done her in. For being honest, I have to thank her.

 

My wife would never have tried to guilt trip me like this.

[David Cain]

There is some truly horrible stuff that I didn't know about. God knows what else she has been repressing.

 

All the more reason for you to step away from the relationship and cool off. Cheaters are known to compartmentalize for years.

[Where To]

All the more reason for you to step away from the relationship and cool off. Cheaters are known to compartmentalize for years.

 

I'm talking about childhood abuse. We've both been talking to her family about things that she doesn't remember. In fact, her actions during our reconciliation attempt make quite a lot of sense now, considering her abandonment issues.

 

I don't plan on continuing any romantic relationship with her. But in her current state, I'm not going to throw her to the wolves.

 

Her affair has shaken the hornet's nets. Better now than twenty years down the line. I know a female coworker who was in a similar situation to my own. Her ex-husband is in a psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt. His own demons got the better of him because he could never deal with them in a healthy manner.

 

I don't want that to happen to my wife.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Where To

[2sunny]

It's a bit more serious than that jnj. I think that my wife may be self harming. We're helping her through this.

 

what is she self harming with?

[Where To]

what is she self harming with?

 

Not sure. Anything sharp probably.

 

I'm basing this on some comments that she has made this past year, the fact that she has started wearing long-sleeved jumpers ever since she moved out (I know how incredibly stupid that sounds, but it would be more convincing if you actually knew her quirks), and the fact that she has been overly-defensive when I have brought up the idea or tried to touch her forearms. Her parents have told me that she had a history of this behaviour when she was a teen, so they know what they are doing.

 

From what I have learnt these past two weeks, "for the thrill of it" is most likely the reason why she had her affair. She really isn't well. Adding onto the stress I already feel about our situation is that I really don't know what more that I can do for her.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Where To

[FreeNow]

Is she planning on some dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)?

[Where To]

Is she planning on some dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)?

 

She's been talking to her therapist. Quite a few options available. Yes, DBT is one of them. We're all taking it slowly until we can see what the best choice for her is.

 

I can say with absolute certainty that staying together would be unhealthy for both of us. I know that I'll be able to move on with my life without any problems. I think that my wife is a lovely person, I hope that she can be happy too.

 

On the plus side, I'm no longer at a crossroads after my wife's affair. I'm in a much worse position now.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Where To

[2sunny]

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775

 

 

this link has info choices on the left side of the page.

 

she needs serious help... her inability to process her emotions doesn't have to be your burden... but it may explain why she had an affair "for the thrill of it" - no conscience, impulsive by general nature, needs to fill the void inside her - none of that is stuff YOU can fix for HER.

 

it's up to her.

[Where To]

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775

 

 

this link has info choices on the left side of the page.

 

she needs serious help... her inability to process her emotions doesn't have to be your burden... but it may explain why she had an affair "for the thrill of it" - no conscience, impulsive by general nature, needs to fill the void inside her - none of that is stuff YOU can fix for HER.

 

it's up to her.

 

Thank you. She's getting help. I think that she has a conscience, but I agree that she hasn't been able to process all the events that have transpired on an emotional level. She's never been like this before. I guess something inside of her must have resurfaced some time last year.

 

I've learnt some disturbing information from my wife's therapy session yesterday. I won't go into the details. To put it simply, she's been repressing a lot of things that only came to light this month.

 

I think that this is the only affair that she has gotten into. Don't really care anymore.

 

I plan on going through with the divorce. Obviously not now since my wife isn't in the best frame of mind. I will eventually get to it.

 

I don't know if I will post here again. Infidelity is not my concern at the moment.

 

Appreciate all the advice everyone.

Edited July 20, 2011 by Where To

[road]

where to

 

you will not recover as long as the OM is still a neighbor. Just seeing the OM or his house will only keep you triggering. Never healing.

 

Also did the WW meet with the OM in your home or car?

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you considered a Healing Separation?

 

Of you google Healing Separation Agreement form, there are some great links. I think it is the most intelligent way to go through the end/reconciliation of a marriage and will give you both the space you need to clear your head and make the 100% proper decision as well as give your daughter and both of you time to properly adjust.

 

Infidelity is rough, (trust me, I know), but truly give yourself a little space and don't make heavy decisions when you are only a couple months along. It is far too much pressure on yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

EMDR therapy would remove the pain associated with the infidelity as well. It deals directly with bilateral stimulation. I have been for 7 sessions and the pain is not very present in my day to day life.

 

I need more sessions though. The pain is supposed to get to a 0 or 1 and I am still at a 3 or 4. Can't afford em right now though.