Where is the line between insecurity and reasonable concern?

[RandomGirl27]

You probably fell for this JERK, because of your low self-esteem & insecurities. You need to stop justifing HIS bad behaviour, and blamming yourself for it. It wasn't your fault. You were justified in calling your ex out on his behaviour, he cancelled plans with you spend time with another female friend or not, one other thing if she was just a platonic friend, why not include you as well! If he didn't understand how bad that looks and how hurt you were by it, then he's idiot and your are best off without him.

 

If he wants to be friends with you, and quite frankly you should not even want him your life, at this point. I'd be questioning his intentions, as you might end up being just a booty call.

 

He know's you still like him, and while you are still blaming yourself, he will use that to his advantage, hence the friendship (bootycall)...card he's played.

[thatone]

Surely not all guys think like this?

Or am I just incredibly naive?

 

So now he's broken up with me he hates me too?

 

Ouch. Love hurts.

 

not necessarily hate. there are lots of women there's just no potential with that we men will cast aside for no other reason than the fact that we know some incompatibility won't ever go away. it doesn't denote hate.

 

 

but that doesn't apply to your situation. you, like thousands upon thousands of other women, are looking for relationships from men who don't want relationships. and you wonder why you don't find what you're looking for?

Edited June 24, 2011 by thatone

[RuinedLife]

not necessarily hate. there are lots of women there's just no potential with that we men will cast aside for no other reason than the fact that we know some incompatibility won't ever go away. it doesn't denote hate.

 

 

but that doesn't apply to your situation. you, like thousands upon thousands of other women, are looking for relationships from men who don't want relationships. and you wonder why you don't find what you're looking for?

 

Well he said he wanted a serious relationship, just that he needed lots of space.

[chickens]

Seriously?

 

You're calling yourself insecure cuz your boyfriend cancelled plans with you to see another girl, and it made you feel bad? I don't think you understand what insecure really means. Feeling bad and sad over that is completely normal, ANYONE would feel that way in your shoes (given they care about their partner). Don't be ridiculous, you aren't insecure for feeling bad. It would eat away at me too!

 

Then, you go further and communicate these feelings, in a way that you feel comfortable doing (in an email). You clearly express how it makes you feel to him. See, some girls might just get pissed off and yell and call the guy an *******, completely unproductive if you ask me. But no, you just say that it bothered you, made you feel bad, and ask that he not repeat the behavior if he values the relationship.

 

After said email, he leaves the relationship.

 

 

So what's the problem here? You asked him to do something if he wanted to stay with you. I mean, I understand it's crummy and sad that he left, but in all reality, if he had the urge to "explore" new territory (not saying he cheated or anything, but canceling plans with the GF to see new girl) ---- he isn't ready for solid commitment. So he did the responsible thing and broke up. Not because you're "crazy" or "insecure" or anything, but he probably didn't want to feel guilty.

 

Honestly, I think it's great that you expressed your feelings the way you did. Most girls wouldn't. Some might just bottle it up, and be resentful every time the action occurs again. Some might get over possessive... I dunno, there's lots of negative reactions. How you handled it is amiable. Don't think there's something wrong with you for feeling a need to express yourself... I am the same way!!! You need someone who APPRECIATES THAT!!!

 

So in the end, yes, the guy should have not led you on into thinking he was ready for a committed relationship --- for that, he's a jerkbag. He did end it though, probably to spare your feelings. Quit beating yourself up over feeling bad over something that would piss just about anyone off in a relationship. And don't feel bad for expressing yourself, it's who you are, you shouldn't be trying to change that... just like you shouldn't try and change your ex (into wanting to commit). Honestly from what I've read, it appears that you're a pretty reasonable and rational person, got upset over lack of respect (totally normal), and is sad over a breakup (totally normal).

 

No need to justify what has happened by saying there's something wrong with you. These things tend to hurt at first, and go away pretty quickly. Best medicine? Go out, and do things you enjoy, and meet new man who appreciates you for how you are :-)

 

edit: BTW, I signed up just to respond to this lol. just thought you should know from a guys perspective. I don't think any wrong has really been done here on either side. The only thing I can see is that he should have not started the relationship in the first place... but maybe he thought he was ready, then realized he wasn't. When he realized he wasn't, he should have been honest right away, instead of inducing hurtful actions (canceling plans with you). I don't think it's right to chastise the man for not being ready to commit.... I just think he should have told you beforehand. Then again, maybe he didn't know. Either way, no one is to blame here, sometimes things just don't work out... it's life, and it's a long one! Plenty of time to meet new people who will love you more than you could ever know, and make you happier than you've ever been in your life. It sucks right now, but trust me from experience, it really isn't the end of the world.

Edited June 28, 2011 by chickens

[elizabeth26]

Maybe you could give me your opinion on my situation?

 

 

 

 

Discussed further in THIS thread.

 

Have had some feedback, but I'm still struggling to come to terms with what happened so would really appreciate your take on it. Thanks.

 

Sounds very suspicious on the part of your ex. Canceling plans and visiting with other girls is suspicious. My ex kept canceling plans and made up an elaborate hoax to cover his tracks, he had been messing around with his best friend's little sister. Not saying it's the same deal, but don't feel too sorry, you were perfectly right to let him know how his actions made you feel. Do you feel it is possible he was trying to provoke you to break up with him?

[seibert253]

When is it acceptable to express your "jealousy based" concerns to your partner?

 

1) When they are flirting with someone else online?

2) When they are still in regular contact with their ex?

3) When they want to spend their holiday time alone with an old friend of the opposite sex and exclude you?

4) When they flirt with every other person they see?

 

Or if you truly trust your partner should none of these things matter?

 

I know it depends on the specifics of the situation. But the line for me is incredibly blurred and insecurity clouds my thinking.

 

1, 3, and 4 are disprespectful and unacceptable IMO

2, depends on what the contact is for.

[RuinedLife]

Seriously?

 

You're calling yourself insecure cuz your boyfriend cancelled plans with you to see another girl, and it made you feel bad? I don't think you understand what insecure really means. Feeling bad and sad over that is completely normal, ANYONE would feel that way in your shoes (given they care about their partner). Don't be ridiculous, you aren't insecure for feeling bad. It would eat away at me too!

 

Then, you go further and communicate these feelings, in a way that you feel comfortable doing (in an email). You clearly express how it makes you feel to him. See, some girls might just get pissed off and yell and call the guy an *******, completely unproductive if you ask me. But no, you just say that it bothered you, made you feel bad, and ask that he not repeat the behavior if he values the relationship.

 

After said email, he leaves the relationship.

 

True I didn't fling any insults at him in the email or accuse him or anything directly. But I guess he must have felt like I didn't trust him enough. I didn't mean to make him feel that way and I didn't think my feeling excluded was due to a lack of trust on my part, but I suppose thats what my insecurity boils down to in the end. I don't know whether or not most people would have reacted the same way in my situation. But seems a lot of responses I've gotten suggest that they would also feel upset if their partner acted similarly, so I guess maybe I was right to tell him how I felt at least. I think my biggest mistake was telling him that the relationship wouldn't work if he couldn't understand. As this was very poor wording and better wording would have been "If you respect the relationship please don't do.. XYZ again". Or something similar as you suggest. I was just so overwhelmed by my anxiety at the time that when he accused me of being too clingy it just made me very upset and I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

So what's the problem here? You asked him to do something if he wanted to stay with you. I mean, I understand it's crummy and sad that he left, but in all reality, if he had the urge to "explore" new territory (not saying he cheated or anything, but canceling plans with the GF to see new girl) ---- he isn't ready for solid commitment. So he did the responsible thing and broke up. Not because you're "crazy" or "insecure" or anything, but he probably didn't want to feel guilty.

 

See this is the bit I'm just really struggling to believe.

 

Honestly, I think it's great that you expressed your feelings the way you did. Most girls wouldn't. Some might just bottle it up, and be resentful every time the action occurs again. Some might get over possessive... I dunno, there's lots of negative reactions. How you handled it is amiable. Don't think there's something wrong with you for feeling a need to express yourself... I am the same way!!! You need someone who APPRECIATES THAT!!!

 

I think I had been bottling up a lot of emotions in the relationship and this incident was the "final straw" for me that finally opened the flood gates. Sure every other time the feelings of rejection and insecurity I had weren't as justified, but this time it felt like my feelings did have some basis and that is why I decided I needed to express said feelings at the time.

 

However, in hindsight, I realize that I shouldn't have told him how I felt, or at least not in the way that I did, as if I had kept quiet or expressed my feelings more subtly with less emphasis on their importance to the relationship, then things would still be ok between us. And really my love for him is so great, that an incident like that shouldn't have bothered me to the extent to which it did. Which really frustrates me now, because I now realize that I love my ex bf so much that I should have just have accepted his behavior with no qualms even if it did make me feel highly anxious. I should have just accepted him for who he was and given him that freedom. Because now I'm faced with a reality where I realize that I must let him go if I truly love him and want him to be happy no matter what.

 

So in the end, yes, the guy should have not led you on into thinking he was ready for a committed relationship --- for that, he's a jerkbag. He did end it though, probably to spare your feelings. Quit beating yourself up over feeling bad over something that would piss just about anyone off in a relationship. And don't feel bad for expressing yourself, it's who you are, you shouldn't be trying to change that... just like you shouldn't try and change your ex (into wanting to commit). Honestly from what I've read, it appears that you're a pretty reasonable and rational person, got upset over lack of respect (totally normal), and is sad over a breakup (totally normal).

 

I guess I just find it very hard to reconcile these 2 facts in my mind.

 

I honestly believed that my ex bf did want a committed relationship with me and we were happy together for a long time so it does hurt that all this had to happen. And yes I guess my feelings were/are normal. Which gives me some comfort at least.

 

edit: BTW, I signed up just to respond to this lol. just thought you should know from a guys perspective. I don't think any wrong has really been done here on either side. The only thing I can see is that he should have not started the relationship in the first place... but maybe he thought he was ready, then realized he wasn't. When he realized he wasn't, he should have been honest right away, instead of inducing hurtful actions (canceling plans with you). I don't think it's right to chastise the man for not being ready to commit.... I just think he should have told you beforehand. Then again, maybe he didn't know. Either way, no one is to blame here, sometimes things just don't work out... it's life, and it's a long one! Plenty of time to meet new people who will love you more than you could ever know, and make you happier than you've ever been in your life. It sucks right now, but trust me from experience, it really isn't the end of the world.

 

This I need to accept, and still seems I have some way to go before I reach true acceptance, but hopefully one day I will get there, as then I can start to recover from this and move on. Only time can heal my broken heart I guess.

 

But either way, thanks for the response chickens!

Means a lot that you took the time to offer this support and advice!

Honestly made me feel a lot better about my feelings and how I handled the situation. True I still have regrets and I still blame myself for what happened more than I should probably, but you have helped me see that really I wasn't all to blame and it was just sad that me and my ex bf didn't feel the same about the relationship in the end.

 

Sounds very suspicious on the part of your ex. Canceling plans and visiting with other girls is suspicious. My ex kept canceling plans and made up an elaborate hoax to cover his tracks, he had been messing around with his best friend's little sister. Not saying it's the same deal, but don't feel too sorry, you were perfectly right to let him know how his actions made you feel. Do you feel it is possible he was trying to provoke you to break up with him?

 

I guess maybe subconsciously he acted as he did because he was fed up of the relationship. But things seemed ok before this incident even though a lot of things were going on for him. I guess it just really hurts me because I love him so much still even after all this time and now its clear that he doesn't love me enough to try and work through these issues and is happier without me in his life now. He may even have a new gf by now, while I'm still completely hung up on the relationship and thinking about him without end, I just have no idea.

Edited July 1, 2011 by RuinedLife

[Taeyang]

I can understand how you feel, and specially after the break up. You try to figure out every single detail of what went wrong, or what you did wrong. And it's so hard to see things objectively when you're in the middle of this kinds of things. But no man that respects his girlfriend will behave this way, and I can say this with confidence because most my friends are male, and we are all close, but there are still boundaries that are kept for the girl/boyfriends' sake. And even more when they love them a great deal, we are in an unspoken agreement that his gf comes first. Also we speak of these things a lot d: since it's always interesting the differences between male and female opinion.

 

And I can understand that you love him so much that you blame yourself for not being able to meet his standards of open-mindness or trustfulness. But ultimately you'll find out it's not your fault. You have all the right to express your feelings, no matter how much communication problems either of you may have, and he should be able to understand you, if he loves you, or atleast try. Not just leave you because you "don't understand him" or "don't trust him". If he really loved you he would rather work on these problems than lose you.

 

I really can understand. I've been through so much I have many insecurities and am very Jealous, and I've had somewhat similar problems with my boyfriend. But he is a doll, and he has tried to understand me no matter how crazy I may express myself to him. And sometimes he gets mad, and we take some time apart to calm down so we can talk, and even though he thinks I'm wrong he will make an effort not to do it anymore cuz he knows I dislike it. And he is a very strong-minded man, I know it's hard for him.

 

So I hate to say this, and i know it hurts, but it's not that he didn't want a committed relationship, but he didn't want one with you, or not anymore. And it was because of other things, not because of the way you confronted him.

 

You dealt with this situation perfectly in my opinion. And you deserve better!

 

Also, I would NEVER take any of the 4 from my boyfriend. MAYBE the ex if i knew the context, maybe d: And so far all the boyfriends i've had have understood and respected it.

 

I wish you good luck with dealing with this, and I hope you can find a man that will really respect you and love you the way you deserve and understand you no matter how crazy or right you may be! But you must make it clear to them since the beginning (either in indirect ways or directly tell them, whichever works best for you) that you will not tolerate this type of behavior! You have to give them boundaries that they will respect, and If these boundaries were blurred for you, it means they were blurred for him too.

 

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY you deserve it!

[MissBee]

When is it acceptable to express your "jealousy based" concerns to your partner?

 

1) When they are flirting with someone else online?

2) When they are still in regular contact with their ex?

3) When they want to spend their holiday time alone with an old friend of the opposite sex and exclude you?

4) When they flirt with every other person they see?

 

Or if you truly trust your partner should none of these things matter?

 

I know it depends on the specifics of the situation. But the line for me is incredibly blurred and insecurity clouds my thinking.

 

 

All the above are disrespectful IMO.

 

I think you have people who are insecure as a personality flaw...where that is their orientation in the world.I have had insecurity issues in the past and trust me....it was ME. Nothing this person did could stop the crazy thoughts and me believing they were doing things behind my back or that they really didn't like me or some other inane thing. It wasn't anything they were actually doing, it was my own issues and therefore nothing they could do would fix it.

 

That is a different matter from incidents that fuel suspicion and insecurity, even in a perfectly even-keeled person. Those things you cited, are some. I've also found that sometimes it is about dating the wrong type of person for you. I have dated men that made me more insecure and suspicious than I normally am, and the funny thing is, my insecurities were proven true. It was sort of my own intuition telling me that something wasn't right and that they were not trustworthy people. Likewise, I've dated people who all their actions were transparent and we communicated and I always felt secure, even if they said they're going out with female friends or doing this that and the third thing that may have been a red flag with the others, with them it was no big deal and I knew I could trust them.

 

You need to be with people who respect you and who won't behave in ways that make you insecure...this person is doing things that would spark insecurity in most people. It's disrespectful and rude and I wouldn't tolerate it. It makes no sense IMO to date someone who does things like this and feels okay about it if it doesn't feel okay to you...those are your feelings and you can leave him to find the person who isn't bothered by it but there is no need to be anxious and insecure all the time when there are other people who won't disrespect you like that.

[RuinedLife]

And I can understand that you love him so much that you blame yourself for not being able to meet his standards of open-mindness or trustfulness. But ultimately you'll find out it's not your fault. You have all the right to express your feelings, no matter how much communication problems either of you may have, and he should be able to understand you, if he loves you, or atleast try. Not just leave you because you "don't understand him" or "don't trust him". If he really loved you he would rather work on these problems than lose you.

 

Yes I guess its just hard to accept that he didn't / doesn't love me enough to try to forgive me for my insecurities and work through these issues with me.

 

So I hate to say this, and i know it hurts, but it's not that he didn't want a committed relationship, but he didn't want one with you, or not anymore. And it was because of other things, not because of the way you confronted him.

 

Yes there were a lot of other issues in the relationship I guess and our communication was very poor so all these factors probably contributed to the break up. However, I know that I triggered the actual end and contributed heavily to the demise of the relationship due to my anxiety and insecurity issues and this has really been a major blow to my self esteem. Because I know if I had been able to better control my anxiety and my insecurities then things would have likely been ok between us. Still, I know it is silly to obsess about these things now and I wish I could just forget it all already and move on. I hope soon I will.

 

You dealt with this situation perfectly in my opinion. And you deserve better!

 

I wish you good luck with dealing with this, and I hope you can find a man that will really respect you and love you the way you deserve and understand you no matter how crazy or right you may be! But you must make it clear to them since the beginning (either in indirect ways or directly tell them, whichever works best for you) that you will not tolerate this type of behavior! You have to give them boundaries that they will respect, and If these boundaries were blurred for you, it means they were blurred for him too.

 

HAVE AN AMAZING DAY you deserve it!

 

Thank you!! Yes I really must learn from this experience and make sure I express my feelings and set boundaries upfront in the future. I'm just so emotionally immature and inexperienced I think and I tend to treat a relationship more like just a really close friendship a lot of the time, which does cause a lot of confusion for everyone involved.

 

All the above are disrespectful IMO.

 

I think you have people who are insecure as a personality flaw...where that is their orientation in the world.I have had insecurity issues in the past and trust me....it was ME. Nothing this person did could stop the crazy thoughts and me believing they were doing things behind my back or that they really didn't like me or some other inane thing. It wasn't anything they were actually doing, it was my own issues and therefore nothing they could do would fix it.

 

That is a different matter from incidents that fuel suspicion and insecurity, even in a perfectly even-keeled person. Those things you cited, are some. I've also found that sometimes it is about dating the wrong type of person for you. I have dated men that made me more insecure and suspicious than I normally am, and the funny thing is, my insecurities were proven true. It was sort of my own intuition telling me that something wasn't right and that they were not trustworthy people. Likewise, I've dated people who all their actions were transparent and we communicated and I always felt secure, even if they said they're going out with female friends or doing this that and the third thing that may have been a red flag with the others, with them it was no big deal and I knew I could trust them.

 

You need to be with people who respect you and who won't behave in ways that make you insecure...this person is doing things that would spark insecurity in most people. It's disrespectful and rude and I wouldn't tolerate it. It makes no sense IMO to date someone who does things like this and feels okay about it if it doesn't feel okay to you...those are your feelings and you can leave him to find the person who isn't bothered by it but there is no need to be anxious and insecure all the time when there are other people who won't disrespect you like that.

 

Yes I think you're right here, certain types of people and behavior can certainly trigger feelings of "insecurity" in someone else and I guess thats what happened in my case.

 

Although I tend to see it more as a double edged sword, i.e. I am naturally pre-disposed to anxiety and insecure feelings, but that these were further exasperated in my relationship due to the actions of my ex as they triggered these anxiety hot spots to make me feel rejected and desperately seek reassurance when perhaps I shouldn't have.

[elizabeth26]

[quote name=

 

 

 

I guess maybe subconsciously he acted as he did because he was fed up of the relationship. But things seemed ok before this incident even though a lot of things were going on for him. I guess it just really hurts me because I love him so much still even after all this time and now its clear that he doesn't love me enough to try and work through these issues and is happier without me in his life now. He may even have a new gf by now, while I'm still completely hung up on the relationship and thinking about him without end, I just have no idea.

Well, you were completely in the right to let him know how it made you feel. In my experience guys are not forthcoming about infidelity. Don't feel too sorry for yourself, it may have been infidelity on his part. I had a similar scenario and it turned out he was seeing his friend's sister, he swears she was just helping him break up with me, that REALLY made me feel better. DO NOT contact him, let him come to you with an explaination, or not. It's hard and chances are you are still trying to talk to him, but trust me and thousands of others: IT DOESN'T WORK!!! This is really a ****ty time. If you have a friend who has been through the same time try and talk it out, it's really good to get input from a person who is familiar with you and your relationship. Mostly, just know it's not the end of the world.

[RuinedLife]

Well, you were completely in the right to let him know how it made you feel. In my experience guys are not forthcoming about infidelity. Don't feel too sorry for yourself, it may have been infidelity on his part. I had a similar scenario and it turned out he was seeing his friend's sister, he swears she was just helping him break up with me, that REALLY made me feel better. DO NOT contact him, let him come to you with an explaination, or not. It's hard and chances are you are still trying to talk to him, but trust me and thousands of others: IT DOESN'T WORK!!! This is really a ****ty time. If you have a friend who has been through the same time try and talk it out, it's really good to get input from a person who is familiar with you and your relationship. Mostly, just know it's not the end of the world.

 

Well I truly honestly don't think my ex cheated on me. But we have been broken up for a long time, so he may well have moved on and found a new girl friend by now, as painful as it is for me to contemplate.

 

Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with cheating.

 

he swears she was just helping him break up with me

 

Ouch! Sounds awful!

 

As I say I don't think my ex bf had any ill intentions towards me and I do believe I let my insecurities overwhelm me and ruin things, but still thoughts of him and his old female friend talking about me in a negative light flood my mind as I have such low self esteem like that and I'm so pessimistic so its easy for me to assume the worst.

[melle]

Dear Ruined Life. Your life's NOT ruined! I realize I'm jumping into this a bit late but I wanted to comment to you. You should listen to the advice you've been given by Nervis (and also several of the other posters) as he has got it dead right.

 

I went through a very similar situation as you last year and I feel your pain exactly. It can sometimes be tough to gauge appropriate behavior since nowadays it seems there is a growing 'anything goes' attitude towards relationships. But the thing is that while in theory 'anything goes' in reality there are feelings to consider, and I would certainly have felt bad about the relationship if I were in your shoes too.

 

Going beyond that someone once told me when I asked if I was being unreasonable and insecure, "Probably not. But here's the thing, even if you were being insecure he should have compassion for you, and should do what he can to reassure you, and if it's a behavior, then he should stop doing it." Well said. I know when I've had boyfriends in the past approach me with an insecurity, I've had compassion for them and done what i could to help them feel better, and certainly not try to salt the wound. And I'm sure you would do the same. You deserve to be with a man who even if he doesn't agree with you, still respects, values and has compassion for you, and wants more than anything to make you happy.

 

I hope you stop blaming yourself and put it back on him, as he is the one who failed at being a good boyfriend. You certainly had every right to express your fears to him (even if it was in email and forcefully) and if he cared about you enough to deserve you, he would have done his best to work things out and make you feel better about things. You also had every right to want to feel he understood you.

 

He failed to step up to the plate. He can have a million excuses but it comes down to self centeredness. He is more interested in having his cake and eating it to than putting effort into actually participating in a one on one relationship with a woman. You save your love for someone who deserves it!

[KathyM]

When is it acceptable to express your "jealousy based" concerns to your partner?

 

1) When they are flirting with someone else online?

2) When they are still in regular contact with their ex?

3) When they want to spend their holiday time alone with an old friend of the opposite sex and exclude you?

4) When they flirt with every other person they see?

 

Or if you truly trust your partner should none of these things matter?

 

I know it depends on the specifics of the situation. But the line for me is incredibly blurred and insecurity clouds my thinking.

All of the above should generate concern, since they are all a violation of a bond with a partner. You need to set some boundaries with your partner. No flirting. No contact with the X unless it's to discuss necessary things about their kids. Vacations should be spent together. No separate vacations. Boundaries are necessary in a relationship if you want to protect it from outsiders. Don't be afraid to set the boundaries.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hey - Sorry you are going through this

 

I am insecure as hell. I blew up at my boyfriend at least four times over incidents that were a LOT, LOT less than what you described. And you know what he did? Called me 30 times, apologized, promised never to do it again, all while crying and begging me to forgive him. We are still together. He is actively working with me on my trust issues/insecurities.

 

Your ex sounds like a total d$%^. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was probably looking for a way out before this incident and used "this" as an excuse to blame you for the break up. He is a real piece of work :mad:

[Tasha49]

Wow. I am finding it very difficult to see any reason for justifying him breaking up with you, over that. A relationship is about communication. YOU did your part, and what did he do? He split instead of trying to understand where you were coming from.

 

What so many people do wrong is never putting theirself in the other persons shoes. He should've tried to at least TRY to see where you were coming from on the matter. Instead of communicating, he ran for the hills because what he had done was hurtful to you. A better, practical response SHOULD have been something like, "Wow I am really sorry you feel that way. But I wish you would stop worrying, because I love you and nothing is going to happen." And then he also should have explained why in the world he was doing that ridiculous ****. So I am sorry if I fail to find any excuse for him walking away if he truly loved you.

 

That's like him telling you you've been doing things in which have made him no longer trust you, and you in turn, dodging with no glance back. SEE YA!

 

No. That is absolutely wrong and he is a POS for treating your emotions like that. If he loved you, and wanted to be with you, then he never would have broken up with you because of voicing concern. It shows you care, and that you love him enough to express the way you feel.

 

You did your part. He never did his.

[RuinedLife]

I went through a very similar situation as you last year and I feel your pain exactly. It can sometimes be tough to gauge appropriate behavior since nowadays it seems there is a growing 'anything goes' attitude towards relationships. But the thing is that while in theory 'anything goes' in reality there are feelings to consider, and I would certainly have felt bad about the relationship if I were in your shoes too.

 

Going beyond that someone once told me when I asked if I was being unreasonable and insecure, "Probably not. But here's the thing, even if you were being insecure he should have compassion for you, and should do what he can to reassure you, and if it's a behavior, then he should stop doing it." Well said. I know when I've had boyfriends in the past approach me with an insecurity, I've had compassion for them and done what i could to help them feel better, and certainly not try to salt the wound. And I'm sure you would do the same. You deserve to be with a man who even if he doesn't agree with you, still respects, values and has compassion for you, and wants more than anything to make you happy.

 

I hope you stop blaming yourself and put it back on him, as he is the one who failed at being a good boyfriend. You certainly had every right to express your fears to him (even if it was in email and forcefully) and if he cared about you enough to deserve you, he would have done his best to work things out and make you feel better about things. You also had every right to want to feel he understood you.

 

He failed to step up to the plate. He can have a million excuses but it comes down to self centeredness. He is more interested in having his cake and eating it to than putting effort into actually participating in a one on one relationship with a woman. You save your love for someone who deserves it!

 

Yeah I think you are probably right about the 'self centeredness'.

 

I stupidly got back in contact with him a few weeks ago, and I thought things might still work out, because he kept telling me how much he missed me,telling me how special I was and I really thought he might want me back. But he's just breaking my heart all over again, and I do think you're right that he just doesn't love me enough, as much as that hurts when I still love him even after everything.

 

But its all so confusing. I mean he says he just wants to be friends, but he was flirting a lot etc so I really felt he might still care about me. But the cold hard truth is that he just doesn't respect me or love me anymore.

 

Boundaries are necessary in a relationship if you want to protect it from outsiders. Don't be afraid to set the boundaries.

 

I think this is very true. Must try to remember this and set proper definite boundaries ahead of time in my next relationship.

 

Hey - Sorry you are going through this

 

I am insecure as hell. I blew up at my boyfriend at least four times over incidents that were a LOT, LOT less than what you described. And you know what he did? Called me 30 times, apologized, promised never to do it again, all while crying and begging me to forgive him. We are still together. He is actively working with me on my trust issues/insecurities.

 

Your ex sounds like a total d$%^. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was probably looking for a way out before this incident and used "this" as an excuse to blame you for the break up. He is a real piece of work :mad:

 

Wow! Sounds like you have an amazing boyfriend there!

 

All I really wanted from my ex bf was for him to try and see things from my point of view and yes, some reassurance that he still loved me, respected my feelings and wouldn't just exclude me if he had a female friend spend the weekend with him again.

 

Wow. I am finding it very difficult to see any reason for justifying him breaking up with you, over that. A relationship is about communication. YOU did your part, and what did he do? He split instead of trying to understand where you were coming from.

 

What so many people do wrong is never putting theirself in the other persons shoes. He should've tried to at least TRY to see where you were coming from on the matter. Instead of communicating, he ran for the hills because what he had done was hurtful to you. A better, practical response SHOULD have been something like, "Wow I am really sorry you feel that way. But I wish you would stop worrying, because I love you and nothing is going to happen." And then he also should have explained why in the world he was doing that ridiculous ****. So I am sorry if I fail to find any excuse for him walking away if he truly loved you.

 

That's like him telling you you've been doing things in which have made him no longer trust you, and you in turn, dodging with no glance back. SEE YA!

 

No. That is absolutely wrong and he is a POS for treating your emotions like that. If he loved you, and wanted to be with you, then he never would have broken up with you because of voicing concern. It shows you care, and that you love him enough to express the way you feel.

 

You did your part. He never did his.

 

Yes, I guess I did my part, best I could at the time.

 

I mean, I did try and tell him how I felt in the nicest way I could and focused on how rejected and excluded I was feeling, but I guess he just thought I was accusing him of cheating or something. But I honestly didn't mean to give that impression, it just really frustrated me when he dismissed my feelings and told me I had to stop complaining, so I felt I had to ask him more forcefully to try and understand my feelings if the relationship was to work out. Which in hindsight was a huge mistake, because it was so wrong of me to say that.

 

However, I think the main problem was he just didn't respect me anymore, or love me enough to try and work through things. And I wish I didn't blame myself so much for him breaking up with me like he did, but I honestly feel that if I had just kept quiet things would have been ok. I mean, he basically told me that. He said he never thought we would break up and that he was really disappointed and angry with me. And these things just really seem to echo around in my mind all the time (how I let him down by failing to fully trust him and how I failed to be a good girl friend to him). But I tried so hard to keep him happy during the relationship, and I would never have dreampt of excluding him if I had a guy friend spend the weekend with me, so I am really struggling to see his opposite view... but I never mean't to accuse him of anything, I really didn't, I just wanted him to try and understand how much it hurt me to be left out like that and for him to not do it again because it really upset me.

 

But he just said I was overreacting, being too needy, that I needed to stop being so demanding and that he would do it again because it was perfectly justified behavior. Maybe he's right and by overreacting like I did, I just made a big fuss over nothing and ruined our relationship for no good reason. And all this heartache only happened because I couldn't control my insecurities better.

 

I thought if I gave him some space and apologized again that he'd be willing to give me another chance. But I'm an idiot, because he's just breaking my heart again.

[KathyM]

When is it acceptable to express your "jealousy based" concerns to your partner?

 

1) When they are flirting with someone else online?

2) When they are still in regular contact with their ex?

3) When they want to spend their holiday time alone with an old friend of the opposite sex and exclude you?

4) When they flirt with every other person they see?

 

Or if you truly trust your partner should none of these things matter?

 

I know it depends on the specifics of the situation. But the line for me is incredibly blurred and insecurity clouds my thinking.

All of the above are reason to express concern to your partner.

[RuinedLife]

I know its been months now since my ex bf and me split up but I'm still really feeling the guilt and having flashbacks to the break up.

 

Because I honestly feel if I had just kept quiet and not told him how I felt, or at least not stressed it so forcefully then we would be still be together now.

 

I know I don't know for sure if thats true or not and probably never will. But in honestly feels that way and it haunts me all the time and I regret everything I did to cause the break up every day.

 

I just don't know what to do to get rid of the guilt and regret that I'm carrying around.

[RuinedLife]

Its a long time now since my ex bf broke my heart and left me with the guilt of our broken relationship. But I still regret what happened everyday and wish so badly I could take it back. It just hurts so much that we had to break up like that. Because I still feel if I hadn't told him how I felt then all would have worked out.

 

I'm just worried that its going to affect any future relationship I have. And I still miss my ex so much after all this time. I wish he'd come back, but even if he did I don't know if I could trust him again and I know he just wants to do want he wants with no responsibilities or commitments to another person. And he struggles to see things from another person's view.

 

I'm still unsure whether he really couldn't see things from my point of view, or whether he was just saying that to get rid of me because he didn't want to try anymore. I feel so worthless knowing that I'm not good enough for him. Hurts so much.

[freestyle]

Its a long time now since my ex bf broke my heart and left me with the guilt of our broken relationship.

 

It's NOT your guilt----his bad behavior was all on him. He was incredibly disrespectful to you!!!

 

But I still regret what happened everyday and wish so badly I could take it back. It just hurts so much that we had to break up like that. Because I still feel if I hadn't told him how I felt then all would have worked out. And he would continue to treat you disrespectfully---how is that "working out"???

 

I'm just worried that its going to affect any future relationship I have. And I still miss my ex so much after all this time. I wish he'd come back, but even if he did I don't know if I could trust him again and I know he just wants to do want he wants with no responsibilities or commitments to another person. And he struggles to see things from another person's view.Then he's NOT good relationship material. Would you really want to spend your time, always wondering, waiting for the other shoe to drop?Plus, feeling like you had to swallow and stifle your own feelings all of the time,for fear of rocking the boat? That's a classic example of an emotionally abusive situation.

 

A man who truly loves you---will care about your feelings, and allow you to voice them. And will NOT be cancelling plans at the last minute, to hang out with another woman, and expect you to be okay with being deliberately excluded.

I'm still unsure whether he really couldn't see things from my point of view, or whether he was just saying that to get rid of me because he didn't want to try anymore. I feel so worthless knowing that I'm not good enough for him. Frankly, he sounds immature and self-absorbed to me.

 

Did you ever stop and think that maybe he wasn't good enough for YOU?

 

HE was the one behaving like an azzhat.That's all on him.That's a reflection of who HE is---it has nothing to do with your worth as a person.

 

Hurts so much.

 

I do understand that you're hurting---rejection can do a number on one's self-esteem.

 

So, what you do with this experience is up to you. You can let it tear you down........

 

OR

 

You can use it as a learning experience, to increase your knowledge of yourself, and what you feel should be appropriate boundaries in a relationship.

 

You are free to decide what your boundaries are, what your dealbreakers are. You are free to decide/choose where to draw your lines in the sand.

You can decide that you won't tolerate anyone stepping on/invalidating your feelings ever again.

You can decide that you want a relationship based on mutual respect, where both parties' thoughts and feelings get equal airtime.

 

Choosing the latter will help build up your self-esteem, by the way...

 

You are responsible for your self-esteem--your validation needs to come from within. Internal , rather than external. Once you can learn to validate yourself internally---no one else can put you down.

[RuinedLife]

I do understand that you're hurting---rejection can do a number on one's self-esteem.

 

So, what you do with this experience is up to you. You can let it tear you down........

 

OR

 

You can use it as a learning experience, to increase your knowledge of yourself, and what you feel should be appropriate boundaries in a relationship.

 

You are free to decide what your boundaries are, what your dealbreakers are. You are free to decide/choose where to draw your lines in the sand.

You can decide that you won't tolerate anyone stepping on/invalidating your feelings ever again.

You can decide that you want a relationship based on mutual respect, where both parties' thoughts and feelings get equal airtime.

 

Choosing the latter will help build up your self-esteem, by the way...

 

You are responsible for your self-esteem--your validation needs to come from within. Internal , rather than external. Once you can learn to validate yourself internally---no one else can put you down.

 

But experience suggests that where I was trying to draw the line in the sand was all wrong. So I really don't know where to draw that line.

 

I would like my feelings to be respected in a future relationship. But my lose control of my emotions so easily and I don't really know when they should be respected and when I should try to hide and supress them.

 

Seems in this case I was wrong. Honestly I don't know if I overreacted or not. I really don't know anymore.All I know is I miss my ex everyday and if I had kept quiet about how I felt we'd likely still be together now.

[blueskyday]

I've been where you are. Really, you are mourning the loss of your relationship and beating yourself up for the end of it. Truth is, you didn't do anything that was break-up worthy.

 

The same thing happened to me. It took me months and months to realize it wasn't my fault that the final straw seemed to come from me.

 

My therapist told me that sometimes we have obsessive thoughts like you are so we can avoid the pain of the loss. So, just feel the feelings of loss. Period. Stop trying to figure it out. That's a good impulse, but it can get out of balance. So set a time period. I'd say it's up by now, wouldn't you?

 

What helped me was:

 

Make a list of all the yellow/red flags you had about his behavior. You know, the things you ignored but gave you momentary pause at the time and a weird feeling that you later dismissed.

 

Really, everyone is telling you his behavior was out of line. I agree. You are trying to tell yourself he was a different guy than he was. Maybe he was a jerk? Is that possible?

 

I think you want a guy who wouldn't go away with his ex and then blame you for being insecure. He's crazy, self-absorbed, and way out of line.

 

This is an easy one. I know you will see it someday. You dodged a bullet with this guy!

 

Hugs

[RuinedLife]

 

Make a list of all the yellow/red flags you had about his behavior. You know, the things you ignored but gave you momentary pause at the time and a weird feeling that you later dismissed.

 

 

Well, I suppose there were some red flags I ignored looking back. I just don't want to believe he was a jerk, so I try to place all the blame on myself so I can preserve the perfect image of him that I have built up in my mind.

 

I know he really hurt me, but I still have these really strong feelings for him and keep hoping he'll want me back.

[blueskyday]

Even if he came back, it would be something else sooner or later. Do you really want to be with someone you can't express yourself with? No, you don't because guess why? When you are emotional, you won't be able to say things perfectly! And you are going to get emotional sometimes. That's life.

 

We all walk the line between expressing and containing emotions. Truth is, we need to do a bit of both. It's important in a relationship to let the other know how you are feeling, but not spew emotions all the time....but you don't want to suppress your feelings either.

 

A grown man can handle it when you are upset. You were mad because your values were being violated. You come before an ex. He knows this, but is making YOU feel bad for being angry and hurt.

 

If someone keys my car, I'm going to be pissed off. I'm not too worried about showing my anger. Same deal here. I suspect, as well, that things bottled up in you until you blew. That means you were tolerating things you shouldn't have...

 

Let yourself off the hook. I still have trouble doing this, myself. I write a different future if I had only reacted better and kept my insecurities to myself....but, I think a boyfriend should make you feel secure and care enough about your emotions to reassure you. He should be able to link HIS behavior with your reaction....

 

It's not you. It's him. Repeat mentally....