3 months of freedom. Why do I want to go back?

[meezy]

I'm now a seventeen year-old girl who has been in an off-and-on two year relationship with the most miserable punk I've ever met. It started out innocent enough; he'd write letters, call me, hold me...everything a 14-going-on-15 girl could want. I was going through a rough patch of my life and unfortunately introduced sex way too soon.

Having said that, I THOUGHT he worshiped me. He was in constant awe of my femininity/sexuality and always craved more. However, 3 months in, I noticed his sweet side started to turn into a bit of an obsession, an issue of control. He grabbed me how he pleased and where in public, pressured me into having sex (one time forced me to when we were alone at my local dog park, how disgusting?) and began calling me ruthless names in pointless, petty arguments we never had before.

From then on it was a game of spite. He accused me of cheating on him with this one boy I had gotten friendly with over the summer (never went beyond a few phone calls) and went to cheat on me with three other girls, one of which he had a secret relationship with and attempted to weasle sex out of.

He hit me a couple times, grabbed me, scratched me, and destroyed my belongings (sometimes in public). When I took breaks from him and tried to find other people, he'd call me in a rambling fury telling me I had betrayed him and guilted me into getting back together with him, where he would then cheat on me 'to make it even'. When I tried to kill myself over him and ended up in the hospital, he blamed me and tried to have a sleepover with a girl (weekend of our 2-year-anniversary woohoo). That was also the weekend I found out about his drug addiction that he blatantly chose over me.

Moreover, I got out this past March. I've kept a closely marked calendar of every day I spent away from him and began weekly therapy to kick my addiction of abuse. It's been three months which is something I have never done before. But sometimes I find myself thinking about him, wondering if he misses me or having sex with other girls. Occasionally he unblocks me on Facebook where I then make it a point to post pictures of me having fun with my friends, and comment on things he's liked with our mutual friends, and post videos/links on my friends' wall so he'll watch them and think about me. Crazy, isn't it? And I don't know why I'm doing it. I suppose I feel lonely, being in a new school, and not getting much attention from the opposite sex. Is what I'm feeling/doing normal?

[smudge21]

You just haven't got back to where you were before you met him yet. I think with all break ups, we go through this. No matter how good or bad the relationship was, we find it difficult to move on; to get our lives back - sometimes to even remember the life we had before the ex came along.

 

Healing takes time and we all have good and bad days. I've had a terrible week remembering the ex and wanting her back. There's no time limit to healing, it takes as long as it takes. Clearly you need to focus on you, find out what is missing and how you can get your 'mojo' back, so to speak. Remember what you were like before he came along.

 

Go through some of the messages on here and you'll see others are suffering the same as you and looking for answers. Often there aren't any, it's all just a case of working through the pain and remaining focused on healing, until the day we've all finally moved on. It will happen.

 

Finally don't hate yourself for feeling this way. Even though he had so many faults and treated you bad, no one will blame you for the way you're acting now. You're no different to the rest of us, so take some comfort in that at the very least.

[meezy]

Lucky for him, he got me as I was coming off of medication and getting over my parent's divorce. I had no identity.