All dumpers have something in common

[Sugarkane]

I think it boils down to a matter of respect. When you've shared so much with somebody, they should show you enough respect to break up with you in a straight forward, civil way.

I 100% agree with you. Obviously not all dumpers are Aholes, but I'm afraid quite alot of them are. And will blame you for it.

[WTRanger]

mmiller,

 

NO it is not okay for a dumper to leave you out of the blue without any sort of explanation or head's up. My ex pulled a disappearing act and I had to call his ass after several months of being at bay and in hell, just to find out we're through, after 2 long years effort, pain and time. You damn right your partner owes you something; that is your PARTNER for God's sake. Don't listen to anyone who tells you different. COMMUNICATION should be number 1 in any relationship.

 

But I guess mr. ranger missed that note and that's why his relationship failed.

 

In life, you are not owed squat. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you stop waiting for pigs to fly. Yeah, it's nice to do the honorable thing and be up front with someone and return favors. But I don't know if you realize this, but a lot of people are just tools. When your partner leaves you, they are no longer your partner. They are just the same stranger they were before you met them. Absolutely, communication is #1 in relationships. But in break ups, falls to last place.

 

Sure my last relationship failed. Sure, she pretty much did it in a lousy way. Sure I hung on way too long to a sinking ship. All in all, I've accepted it. I've accepted the fact that I let so many warnings slide because I thought I could make the relationship work. I dropped the blame game. She wasn't sent to destroy me. It just didn't work out. It's really simple once you stop thinking you are this victim of a secret KGB plot to destroy you. What are you going to do, chase your ex until you get a reasonable answer? How much of your life are you willing to waste seeking answers, that in reality, do nothing for you in the long run?

 

I took my licks, took what I learned and met someone new and could not be happier at the moment. I could be on here all bitter about love. Thinking that it's a bunch of crap, etc etc. I could be on here blaming my ex, saying my ex owes me this and that. But I decided to accept she did what was best for her so, I should start doing whats best for me and move on from it.

 

Accepting things and moving on. You're absolutely right, that's so clueless and stupid.

Edited June 19, 2011 by WTRanger

[dng]

I will chime in for my own selfish reasons.

 

My ex never dumped me, she went on a break and then left things in limbo for months, borrowed money, stuff, and blah blah blah.

 

She is a rotten person, she broke up with me in an aweful way and I really felt all kinds of terrible about THE WAY SHE BROKE UP WITH ME, not that fact she did.

 

I agree there is a way to correctly breakup with a person but that takes integrity and those people dont come here because they are still together or they are not hurting like hell.

 

Yea yea, I let her do it to me but it took me MONTHS before I was detached enough from the situation to realize it, its hard for me to feel bad for that.

 

I gave it my best, didn't harass her or anything and left her free to choose, that's how I am. Someone is this world will be able to appreciate and respect that.

 

I can't wish her well yet but I am sure someday I will.

 

I also think she tried her best with the toolset she was given, as did I.

 

What she has in common with every other dumper is that she wanted out and she got her way, of course. I even helped her box her things and gave her almost everything she needed (but I kept my wii, I'm a man), I accepted the breakup (sorry, the break), what messed me up is what happened after.

 

The only blame I'll take:

 

- I chose to give my trust and love to someone who didnt have the emotional langage to process that properly, that's MY FAULT, I really could have seen it BUT I REFUSED TO and that's the lesson in it for me, and I suspect for alot of people here.

 

- When I realized what she was, I dumped her but kept caving and taking her back. I was weak. Then I decided to really try even thought I knew what she was and I got stung and ITS MY FAULT, yes. I ressented her FOR WHAT SHE WAS and yet I stayed in the relationship and saw it deteriorate and still stayed in it, hoping for something to change while there was no reason to believe it ever would, except for WHAT SHE SAID, WHICH IS NOT WHAT SHE DID. My fault, yes.

 

Actions, not words.

Edited June 19, 2011 by dng

[Tony T]

Selfishness. Seriously. Every thread I read on this board reeks of selfishness on the dumper's part. They care nothing about anyone but themselves. The months leading up to the breakup. Selfishness. The breakup. Selfishness. The texts messages saying "I miss you" after the breakup. Selfishness. The lies. Selfishness. The blaming. Selfishness.

 

Every story on this website is the same.

 

The dumpees seem to have something in common too. Heart. We truly seem to care for other people.

 

I disagree. Dumpers are caring enough to let someone go who has no future with them. Dumpers are generous with their feelings, although they may not be what the dumpee would like them to be. Dumping is extremely painful for most people...but the dumpee should be filled with gratitude to be rid of someone who does not see them as number one.

 

Dumpers are human. Sure they can miss someone although it would be better...more humane...not to express that. Yes, maybe that's a bit selfish because they are just trying to jettison their bad feelings...their guilt. Telling someone you miss them...and even being very sincere about it...does not translate into wanting that person back. You'd have to be from outer space not to miss someone you have been with for a while.

[NicoleM]

I was never " dumped" per say but I took a hint that is for sure:( He was very,very selfish and inconsiderate and didn't even have the courtesy to dump me. He just stopped responding to my texts,e-mails and let me tell you it sucked because that was very inconsiderate he could of at least dumped me instead of playing games. Jerk!

[jh2586]

Oh come on. Of course it seems like dumper has no heart. What would you rather do, have them stay in a relationship they are not happy with? Just for you? Just because you care? Doesn't that now make you the selfish one?

 

For what it's worth, you are doing a good job of blaming the dumper in your case. A no, it's not selfish to put yourself first. It's incredibly selfish to put others before your own Self, then expect them to pander to your every need just because you supposedly "care" about them.

 

There's only one person's happiness that you need to be concerned about, and that's your own. If you have to break someone's heart, then so be it.

 

I totally agree! Couldn't have said it any better.

[Sugarkane]

I disagree. Dumpers are caring enough to let someone go who has no future with them. Dumpers are generous with their feelings, although they may not be what the dumpee would like them to be. Dumping is extremely painful for most people...but the dumpee should be filled with gratitude to be rid of someone who does not see them as number one.

 

Dumpers are human. Sure they can miss someone although it would be better...more humane...not to express that. Yes, maybe that's a bit selfish because they are just trying to jettison their bad feelings...their guilt. Telling someone you miss them...and even being very sincere about it...does not translate into wanting that person back. You'd have to be from outer space not to miss someone you have been with for a while.

I disagree with you TonyT. My ex wasn't generous with his feelings. Never gave me an explaination and was verbally abusive to me. Then blamed everything on me. I thank god that I never married or had chldren with this man.

[Sugarkane]

I had to reject someone recently, who wanted to take things up a notch with me. But I didn't verbally abusive them by text or blame everything on them, like my ex did. I guess some people have morals?

[Sugarkane]

Just because you want to leave a relationship it doesn't mean you have to treat the person like ****. I had to reject someone recently, who wanted to take it to the next level. I didn't verbally abuse them by text or blame everything on them, unlike my ex.

[muse08]

While I really do respect the feelings and opinions of others, they are just that. I think wtranger said it well. For people who are constantly in search of something real and who value their own sanity, being in a relationship that does not allow peace, sanity or room to breathe is not a positive situation for anyone, point blank. Why should anyone stay on etch a relationship that does not allow an individual to maintain sanity. Since my last relationship, I've had more sanity than I ever had with that guy. While I cared for him, I dont think I cared for him as much as he wanted me to. He was always complaining early on about me not giving him as much quentin as he gave me...mind you his attention was usually equated with possessive & obsessive behavior and him wanting me all to himself. was I supposed to stay with this dude to avoid hurting his felons,because he spent some money on me and gave me "attention"? I dont think so! You have to allow people to be who they are, when you see a pattern of undesirable behavior in others who supposedly love and care for you, you let them know your likes as well as boundaries . But when their behavior doesn't change for the better usually it's because naturally, it's not innately them, to be a certain way.

 

Some individuals want to be in a relationship at any cost, which screams desperation and isn't healthy.

 

Some people, ( especially dumpees who think money, time, etc are deposits for everlasting love) must realize that nothing is guaranteed in terms of lasting relationships. Thats for both the dumper & dumpee. It's sad but true.Just because you treat someone well, albeit money and/or heart, that in no way secures a future with anyone. IMO, only time to get to REALLY know someone makes a relationship more worthwhile, but nothing is guaranteed, not even marriage...especially this day and time.

[muse08]

Btw, I was very respectful of my ex when breaking up with him.So much so that he didn't really get it... The relationship ended up dragging on longer than I wanted it to because of how I didn't want him to feel so much hurt. Eventually I had to just cut it off. There are some people who you cannot even continue any communication with because they, themselves are so selfish that they refuse to hear your feelings and they can't accept the fact that you are making a choice to no longer accept them and their undesirable characteristics.

[Movingthrough]

I see what the OP is saying here and i agree. Yes, its double sided when there is a breakup and when you look back you can usually see it coming, which could also be blamed on the dumpee because they didnt take it seriously when there was issues. But there are ways to go about breaking it off with someone that shows respect and at least some sort of honesty, anyone who thinks different is just trying to make themselves feel better.

 

Most of the stories you read on here are basically the person looses interest, breaks it off out of "nowhere" then moves onto someone else right after. None of that in a real sense is wrong, but what it proves is that the person lost feelings way before the breakup because it was so easy for them to move on afterwards. So, my argument would be grow up and bring up the issue when it comes out, not hold it in, so when the breaking point comes (or another person) you leave. The problem nowadays is people think problems are going to go away, and they have a choice when the problem comes out; either try and work it out because you have made a commitment, or move on. Sadly its easier to just move on.

 

To say that all dumpers are this and that isnt right because really they were just doing what made them happy, and its just being human, but i think what the OP is trying to say is that its very common to see people who are wanting to leave a relationship do it in the easiest *****iest way possible. Personally, in my group of friends, everytime i hear a breakup story it involves another person, GIGS, and i think thats sad.

[GreenPolicy]

I read some stories on here where a person has repeatedly communicated their issues and concerns to their partner, nothing changed and they dumped the other person because their needs were not being met. So they might techically be the dumper but in many ways they are emotionally a dumpee themselves.

 

In my case, my ex never communicated any dissatisfaction with me or the relationship. How am I supposed to feel when five days before I got dumped she tells me what kind of engagement ring she wanted me to get her? The first 10.5 months we were together were bliss. The last month things were still very good, but she made comments about wanting to be in heaven now and wishing Jesus would come back already. That was really the only thing in hindsight I can point to that was weird.

 

Nevertheless, if somebody doesn't want to do something, they don't want to do it. Like trying to convince a child to eat his broccoli.

[batsheba]

I was never " dumped" per say but I took a hint that is for sure:( He was very,very selfish and inconsiderate and didn't even have the courtesy to dump me. He just stopped responding to my texts,e-mails and let me tell you it sucked because that was very inconsiderate he could of at least dumped me instead of playing games. Jerk!

 

hi nicole i was "let go" the same way as yours. how long did you wait till you gave up and knew he was gone for good?

[mmiller5373]

I read some stories on here where a person has repeatedly communicated their issues and concerns to their partner, nothing changed and they dumped the other person because their needs were not being met. So they might techically be the dumper but in many ways they are emotionally a dumpee themselves.

 

In my case, my ex never communicated any dissatisfaction with me or the relationship. How am I supposed to feel when five days before I got dumped she tells me what kind of engagement ring she wanted me to get her? The first 10.5 months we were together were bliss. The last month things were still very good, but she made comments about wanting to be in heaven now and wishing Jesus would come back already. That was really the only thing in hindsight I can point to that was weird.

 

Nevertheless, if somebody doesn't want to do something, they don't want to do it. Like trying to convince a child to eat his broccoli.

 

I've followed your story from the beginning and the way your ex handled things was selfish. None of it makes sense.

 

Also, what is it about some dumpers that days (or weeks) before a breakup they talk about making a bigger commitment? In your case your ex talked about a ring. In my case my ex talked about moving in with me.

[mmiller5373]

While I really do respect the feelings and opinions of others, they are just that. I think wtranger said it well. For people who are constantly in search of something real and who value their own sanity, being in a relationship that does not allow peace, sanity or room to breathe is not a positive situation for anyone, point blank. Why should anyone stay on etch a relationship that does not allow an individual to maintain sanity. Since my last relationship, I've had more sanity than I ever had with that guy. While I cared for him, I dont think I cared for him as much as he wanted me to. He was always complaining early on about me not giving him as much quentin as he gave me...mind you his attention was usually equated with possessive & obsessive behavior and him wanting me all to himself. was I supposed to stay with this dude to avoid hurting his felons,because he spent some money on me and gave me "attention"? I dont think so! You have to allow people to be who they are, when you see a pattern of undesirable behavior in others who supposedly love and care for you, you let them know your likes as well as boundaries . But when their behavior doesn't change for the better usually it's because naturally, it's not innately them, to be a certain way.

 

Some individuals want to be in a relationship at any cost, which screams desperation and isn't healthy.

 

Some people, ( especially dumpees who think money, time, etc are deposits for everlasting love) must realize that nothing is guaranteed in terms of lasting relationships. Thats for both the dumper & dumpee. It's sad but true.Just because you treat someone well, albeit money and/or heart, that in no way secures a future with anyone. IMO, only time to get to REALLY know someone makes a relationship more worthwhile, but nothing is guaranteed, not even marriage...especially this day and time.

 

Every situation is different. I agree with a lot of what you and WTRanger are saying. In a way, the dumpers are doing the dumpee a favor. Nobody should have to stay with someone if they're unhappy. But, I'm sorry, If you can't have the decency to sit your partner down and talk about things, then you shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with. It's about respect. If you're in a relationship with somebody for years and just decide to walk away, that's selfish and cowardly.

 

Let me put it this way. If dumpers could just sit the dumpee down, tell the truth, and NOT string them along after the breakup like there's some chance they could get back together, I'm sure this board wouldn't have as many threads as it does. What a perfect world that would be. Each day I come here it's the same thing. "She left me for another guy. Now she's texting me weeks later" or "I came home and his stuff was gone. He doesn't take my calls."

Edited June 19, 2011 by mmiller5373

[CaliGuy]

Selfishness. Seriously. Every thread I read on this board reeks of selfishness on the dumper's part. They care nothing about anyone but themselves. The months leading up to the breakup. Selfishness. The breakup. Selfishness. The texts messages saying "I miss you" after the breakup. Selfishness. The lies. Selfishness. The blaming. Selfishness.

 

Every story on this website is the same.

 

The dumpees seem to have something in common too. Heart. We truly seem to care for other people.

 

Odd way of looking at things.

 

I've dated women I have dumped not out of selfishness but simply because there was no fire or passion. There's nothing wrong with that, it simply means that is not a two-way relationship.

 

I've also been dumped as well. Doesn't matter how much I love them, if they don't feel the same way then you have a ONE way relationship. It will never work -- and always fail -- usually leading to disaster.

 

You can't make people love you. They either do (truly) or they don't. Unconditional love is a very rare quality but that's predominate in all marriages that last a lifetime.

 

Cheers.

[NicoleM]

I gave it a week. I was like well he isn't interested anymore! I can take a hint but seriously it hurt like **** not going to lie. I think IMHO if he had actually dumped me I would of been better off but instead he was cowardly and wanted me to take a hint. Ouch!

[dicky_fish]

To be honest, after reading through this thread I've come to realise that dumpers who've been in a long term relationship and get G.I.G.S are the selfish ones.

 

I wish I could find the thread that said it, but someone on here yesterday said something about relationships from previous generations that lasted til death even though they, at times, hated the person they were with. They just worked through it because they made a committment and went through with it because they had integrity and respect.

 

It's a hard fact, but life is not always plain sailing, sometimes relationships hit rocky patches, but you owe it to each other and the committments you made to work through them.

 

My ex is going through GIGS, dumped me just over a month ago after asking me to move in with her, literally giving me all I've ever dreamed of then took it all away, just because she needed to be a "free spirit". Nevermind the fact we'd planned the rest of our lives together and I'd sacrificed everything for her. I knew things in our relationship were past the honeymoon phase, but that's life, and I just showed her how much I loved her, regardless of those hurdles. My thanks? She dumps me and has regressed back to the lifestyle she had before she met me, namely; drinking to excess, partying and sleeping around.

 

I can say that people with GIGS who don't snap clean out of it are just damn pathetic! I got it when I was still in my relationship, but took some time thinking about exactly what I had, and realised the grass could never be greener than it is now with the wonderful woman I loved.