Newly separated and divorce pending....Heartbroken and need insight

[ensima]

Hi everyone,

 

My husband and I were college sweethearts, married for a little over 7 years and have 3 kids. We used to be so connected and in love. There were lots of compounding events that all occurred within months of each other that really started to chip away at our foundation.

 

My husband had a very successful career and was the sole provider for our family. 2-3 years ago, my husband lost his job, 3 months later we had our youngest son, and just last year we lost our dream home to foreclosure.

 

During all of these events, we both began to shut down. I shut down because, I just had a newborn and my husband decided to move his younger brother into our home without my okaying it and on top of that they would go out every night and party/be drunk while I stayed up with a newborn and took care of my one year old toddler in the mornings. Needless to say, I grew extremely resentful.

 

In the past 8 months he has grown very distant, sometimes staying out all night and coming home drunk. He never communicates where he is going when he leaves, he just says "i'll be back". He has told me he about 6 months ago that he was not happy because I am not a good partner. I feel that he blames me for not being a financial contributor and that he resents me for having lost our home. Throughout these past months though, he has showed me both extremes of being an attentive thoughtful husband and also that of a cold hearted stranger that I no longer recogonize.

 

The day he moved out:

May 21, 2011: The night before was going to a birthday party of his friend. He could tell that I was sad. I had been sad because I just couldn't bear the coldness and non-affection he was showing me for the last couple of months. I finally broke down and told him that I didn't understand why he was so cold towards me. He looked and me and said he just can't do it anymore, we have to get a divorce. The next morning while I took the kids to the beach, he moved all of his things out of the home...and five days later he filed for divorce.

 

Now I am in this limbo space within my own head. Somedays I try to make myself accept the reality. But most days, I am CONSUMED with how to reconcile and reconnect and rebuild our marriage on more positive footing. In the 7 years of marriage, this has been our one crisis.

 

Can't we get past this??

 

I have been going to individual counseling and invited him to marriage counseling the other day. He said he would consider but then didn't show up. I'm crushed!

 

I miss him everyday, and my kids do also....I want my family.

 

These days have been gut wrenching.

 

What I've been doing:

 

I have taken on a CNA (certified nurse assistant) course at the community college and also finishing up a some prerequisites for a bachelors in nursing. It is soooo hard to focus but I have been doing well in both classes. I have also had two interviews for position at a local hospital and am trying to stand on my own two feet. Fingers crossed for my job opportunities.

 

Thank you in advance for any insight and perspective.

 

I feel like I have so many unanswered questions. I want to know what a man's perspective is to up and leave his wife and kids because he is "unhappy" but never give definites on what was making him "unhappy" so I could have fixed things.

[hopesndreams]

Throughout these past months though, he has showed me both extremes of being an attentive thoughtful husband and also that of a cold hearted stranger that I no longer recogonize.

 

Sorry to say, but these are sure-fire signs he is having an affair and because he has left you, he is actively with the woman he has had the affair with. He doesn't have the guts to tell you this but I do.

 

But most days, I am CONSUMED with how to reconcile and reconnect and rebuild our marriage on more positive footing.

 

There is NOTHING you can do and I do mean, NOTHING! If you do anything, as in actively pursuing him, he will only look at it as your way to end his FUN!

 

It takes a real selfish individual to give up on his wife and children to get *butterflies*. Since he hasn't told you about her it's because he wants a divorce to go smoothly and without him being the bad guy.

 

You want a low-life snake back? Ignore him. He will then surely come back when his FUN is no longer FUN and the butterflies fly away but by the time he realizes what he has THROWN AWAY, it will be too late for you would have moved on and quite happily, without his dumb azz.

[Mr.Harris]

Throughout these past months though, he has showed me both extremes of being an attentive thoughtful husband and also that of a cold hearted stranger that I no longer recogonize.

 

Sorry to say, but these are sure-fire signs he is having an affair and because he has left you, he is actively with the woman he has had the affair with. He doesn't have the guts to tell you this but I do.

 

But most days, I am CONSUMED with how to reconcile and reconnect and rebuild our marriage on more positive footing.

 

There is NOTHING you can do and I do mean, NOTHING! If you do anything, as in actively pursuing him, he will only look at it as your way to end his FUN!

 

It takes a real selfish individual to give up on his wife and children to get *butterflies*. Since he hasn't told you about her it's because he wants a divorce to go smoothly and without him being the bad guy.

 

You want a low-life snake back? Ignore him. He will then surely come back when his FUN is no longer FUN and the butterflies fly away but by the time he realizes what he has THROWN AWAY, it will be too late for you would have moved on and quite happily, without his dumb azz.

 

^

 

What she said.

[mtd4249]

Hello ensima

I have been through a similar situation with my ex in recent months - although some of the details are critically different to yours. I was with my ex for 16 years (she is 36 and I am 41) and we had achieved so much together, including getting to a point of financial security where she could give up work and start a family. We both had good jobs, although we moved from the state where our families are to one where there was really just her and me. Like your situation, there had been no previous crises or breakdowns in the relationship - everything seemed normal to me and in fact we had taken a vacation to America in November last year. Then in the first week of January (the day after her 36th birthday) she said she needed space, went back to the city where her family is and never returned. Like your husband, she said she was "unhappy" but I have never been able to work out exactly what she was unhappy with and also like you I was willing to attend couples counselling but she didn't want to. She basically gave up, without an effort to make things work, and now we are splitting assets - the end of 16 years hard work together!

It's become clear to me that my ex has suffered a major midlife crisis meltdown and feeling "unhappy" is a typical symptom of a midlife crisis. It may be that your husband has been having an affair - but that too could be a midlife crisis. You don't say how old he is but anywhere from around 30 can be the time that triggers a midlife crisis.

I'm not saying definitively that your husband has a midlife crisis but my ex up and left me (and the two dogs she loved so much) and distanced herself with apparent ease and cold heartedness. Whatever is going on in your husband's head and my ex's head is not too far apart. One thing for certain is that both had been considering leaving for quite some time which is why they can just seemingly move on without looking back on what they once held so dear.

Being abandoned is a tough situation, and I wish you all the best.

[ensima]

I am 32 and he is 31... I don't know definitively if he is having an affair but it sure feels like he is. It also seems like a mid life crisis where he has given up and is trying to reinvent himself but without me. But like PP said, it maybe that he is going through a mid life crisis and in turn has been having an affair. I think this is probably the case.

 

I have asked him but of course he denies denies denies. My question is, where do I put all the love that I have for the old person I fell in love with??

 

That is the part that hurts the most. I still mourn the husband that I fell in love with and that loved me deeply also. Do I have to start hating him in order to get through this? It is so difficult having to see him when he comes to get the kids and all I see is coldness in his eyes.

 

How does he view me now? Did he forget all of the great times and loving family memories? It seems he operates in hate for me...

 

Suggestions on how to cope would be helpful...I am managing on the outside, but I feel dead inside. Thank God for counseling because it feels good to let it out there....but when I am all alone and the thoughts start rolling in and reminiscing about our life together I revert back to extreme sadness. Will it ever get better? when and how??

[marqueemoon4]

31 is a little early for a mid life crisis... sorry you're going through this. focus on yourself and your kids!

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah it seems more like he's cheating than a crisis.

 

Burn the hell out of him for child support.

[mtd4249]

ensima -- whether or not your husband is having a midlife crisis (which, by all accounts can start from around the age of 30) or he is just having an affair for the sake of having an affair isn't really all that important to you. The fact is, he is behaving like he is and it's affecting you and I know exactly how you're feeling and have exactly the same questions you do, so I empathize. Where do you put the love you had for him? Good question - you don't just stop loving and caring for someone overnight, but for now you have nowhere you can direct that love and devotion apart from at you and your kids. I have often thought that hating my ex would make it easier to get through but that would in fact be untrue to my feelings -- I never stopped loving my ex and although she has done the wrong thing to me it's not possible to just instantly let go or deny the loving emotions - that is the difference between true love and superficial love. Unfortunately, our partners may not realize this. Maybe we loved them less than they hoped, but certainly we loved them more than they will ever know!

Your husband has a brain and a heart -- right now, he thinks the grass is greener in the paddock he's in and for a while it will be. But RARELY is it ever green forever ... reality and life eventually kick in and those who leave a good person and solid relationship soon begin to realize that maybe life wasn't so bad before and maybe they weren't as unhappy as they thought they were. One thing for certain, there is no such thing as the perfect relationship -- if he was "unhappy" in your relationship, then (with time) he will also not be perfectly happy in another relationship. Only then will he start to weigh up what he had and maybe by then you will have moved on.

But, for you, the most important and hardest thing is moving on .... remember, your wounds are only new.

You wrote: I am managing on the outside, but I feel dead inside. Thank God for counseling because it feels good to let it out there....but when I am all alone and the thoughts start rolling in and reminiscing about our life together I revert back to extreme sadness. Will it ever get better? when and how??

I know exactly these feelings and questions. People say to me that I'm holding up well but really deep down it's just a veneer .... I also feel dead inside. I have lost all interest in things that once motivated me, including my job (which I have built a successful career). I think it's depression. It seems at night I will say to myself "tomorrow, I will wake up and do this and that" but when the morning comes I have lost the motivation. Somedays I might have a burst of energy but then I come home to an empty house and eat alone. It is the lack of companionship and having the person around that (as you say) starts the thoughts rolling. If you're anything like me, you have a million things bouncing around in your head at once. Sometimes it gets to the point where I lose my appetite and feel physically upset. Often I will wake up in the morning having slept through the night and my mind will start thinking about things, so I roll over and try going back to sleep!

And, like you, the reminiscing about the good times is one of the hardest things to handle -- it makes you just wish you could turn back time.

So, what you're experiencing is a natural part of the process albeit in my opinion the hardest part. It is a really difficult psychological battle - some people are stronger than others and can seem to handle situations better. Will it ever get better? When and how? Great questions .... let's face it, it can't get worse! Right now, you're staring into the abyss. How long it takes to get better no one knows .... but one thing you must do is deal with all the emotions - the hurt, the anger, the regret etc - in sequence. It is painful, I know, to feel that gut-wrenching sorrow when you're alone and you just wish you could have your life back to the way it was, but letting out that sadness is all part of the healing process.

You're not alone.

[Citizen-d]

I feel just like you, I can't get over my ex, she's all I know about love and although she has been really nasty to me and used our two kids as pawns in a battle j can't let go of my feelings!

 

I have lost weight, I'm setting up a new business and have tried dating but I still am heartbroken that my wife left me! The other night I found out she was still with the other man and I was crushed as she had said she was not in a relationship anymore! I just am so deppressed it's unreal but will carry on fighting for a better life!

 

Good luck to you I hope you find someone who will love you forever.

 

God bless

[mtd4249]

Citizen-D, sorry to hear your situation - the feelings with which are all too familiar to me. You don't say how long it has been since your relationship ended but it sounds reasonably recent. The reason you (we) feel so deeply hurt and depressed is we really loved our partners - if we didn't, we wouldn't be here talking about our relationships ... we would be out passing our superficial feelings onto someone else! The pain you (we) are feeling is a powerful emotion ... all consuming at times. I, too, lost weight almost instantly after my ex told me she was leaving. It was like a debilitating disease eating me away and I still have days when I don't get an appetite. It feels like we are being punished when we did nothing wrong ... or when our biggest crime was being committed and invested in one person! Keep in touch and best wishes.

[ensima]

I understand how all of you feel. It seems like we are all rowing the same boat. I have lost almost 15 lbs since he left a month ago. Gut-wrenching does not even describe the debilitating sadness that engulfs me sometimes. I wake up and instantly become sad. My therapist said that this all-consuming sadness/emptiness is normal and that I will have just ride these painful emotions to really heal. As long as we are still somewhat productive and able to engage in our days- no matter how zombie-like -that what we are feeling is a healthy reaction. Unfortunately there is no way to skip over this part of the grief.

 

I am in the process of looking for lawyers and researching what this divorce process will be like... The lawyer route is going to cost me an arm and a leg! Don't now yet how I will get the money for it so I'm brainstorming that also...so much on my plate in addition to being a good mom and keeping sane.

 

 

What are you guys' interactions like with your STBXH/W nowadays? I am one month into the separation and our interactions vary from cordial to down right cold. I have been reading on these forums about no contact (NC) and 180...can somebody explain to me what these are and what will come of it. I feel like I need a power shift in our interactions because right now my STBXH yields all the power and is extremely cold/cruel/distant. I need to grab hold of this situation and turn the tables on him....

 

Suggestions please~

[AudentesFortuna]

I understand how all of you feel. It seems like we are all rowing the same boat. I have lost almost 15 lbs since he left a month ago. Gut-wrenching does not even describe the debilitating sadness that engulfs me sometimes. I wake up and instantly become sad. My therapist said that this all-consuming sadness/emptiness is normal and that I will have just ride these painful emotions to really heal. As long as we are still somewhat productive and able to engage in our days- no matter how zombie-like -that what we are feeling is a healthy reaction. Unfortunately there is no way to skip over this part of the grief.

 

I am in the process of looking for lawyers and researching what this divorce process will be like... The lawyer route is going to cost me an arm and a leg! Don't now yet how I will get the money for it so I'm brainstorming that also...so much on my plate in addition to being a good mom and keeping sane.

 

 

What are you guys' interactions like with your STBXH/W nowadays? I am one month into the separation and our interactions vary from cordial to down right cold. I have been reading on these forums about no contact (NC) and 180...can somebody explain to me what these are and what will come of it. I feel like I need a power shift in our interactions because right now my STBXH yields all the power and is extremely cold/cruel/distant. I need to grab hold of this situation and turn the tables on him....

 

Suggestions please~

 

I don't know the details of the 180 and NC but this is how it's going with me. Wife gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech 3 weeks ago and it has been 2 weeks and change since I put us on a 3 month separation with no contact. She agreed to it. Since then she has contacted me 3 times. Twice it was trivial car stuff, but on Friday she sent me an email reiterating her feelings, etc. I haven't responded and don't intend to. What has this accomplished? It has given me a new perspective. Think about it. I said NC for 3 months and she already broke that agreement like nothing. Just part of how she has been throughout our relationship and NOW I'm beginning to really see it. She accuses me of neediness and control which I admit have been issues at times. I can guarantee you that she expected me to be grovelling, on my knees begging her to come, calling her, texting her, seeking her. She expected it and she needed it justify her decision. That is what she expected and I can GUARANTEE you that right now she is DYING for me to contact her in any way. NC has given me some control that will mean nothing in the end regarding us, we are still divorcing, but it will mean plenty to me in my new life. My wife wants me to chase her so she can run faster and farther. Nope, ain't gonna happen. I'll see her in 3 months. If she wants anything regarding divorce, she'll have to initiate herself. That's the beauty of that email on Friday. She reiterated her feelings of wanting to leave, yet she said she would continue with the financial agreements of the separation. No where did she mention "let's get the divorce started". Like I said, ultimately we'll get a divorce, but it's telling that she won't just go and initiate herself. Nothing is stopping her. 180 and NC are for you and you only. To make yourself a stronger person.

[Mauschen]

Basically, it means that you have to put on an air of positive energy - style your hair nicely, get some great outfits, APPEAR happy (even if you're not). Take the kids to do fun and exciting things. And, if he asks what you're doing, just say "going out." If he asks with whom, say "not your business." Do not engage in any conversation with him unless it is business-like and involves the kids only - and only the important details, nothing like, "isn't our daughter getting bigger!" or "do you like our son's hair this way?" Only have conversations about when and where you're going to exchange the kids, medical appointments, etc.

 

The whole point of all of these actions is to 1. heal yourself and move on AND 2. possibly appear attractive, confident, and happy to your ex, which may get him to wonder about what you're up to (curiosity) and spark his interest again. Obviously, there is no guarantee your actions will produce this effect, but they could.

 

As for lawyers, you don't need one to get child support. Go file a motion for an order for child support now! That will help with your bills and paying for a lawyer. Most states have self-help centers in the courts that can help you file an order for child support.

 

Good luck to you!

[Citizen-d]

Thaere is some great advice here! I have been separated since February and going through the divorce my ex said we broke up last august but that is because she was having an affair! I know my ex is a nasty persone who lies but I have to get over her!

 

If you do the 180 stay strong no matter what, I tried it but was unaware about the affair so was sucked in whilst my wife decided on the othe guy! I chased her and as she pulled away I reached out and tried to hold on! Big mistake as she was able to get free legals sorted and tarnish my name!

 

You need the control and if you shock him early you might get some results! I have good and bad days, my wife was in Italy for her sisters wedding yesterday so I was without my beautiful children and it hurt so much!!!

 

To everyone with children, every passing second is special with them, remember every moment.

[ensima]

I struggle with all these feelings on a day to day basis...sometimes minute to minute. It's as if I want hate my STBXH because of my not understanding where all this is coming from and being left tons of unanswered questions. It would be easier if I just hated him now so I could move on. BUT even if I will myself to hate him and think of all the wrongs I feel like have been inflicted on me, that I would be not be being genuine to my true feelings of still having a deep rooted love for this man. I feel like he is in a fog and is no longer able to recognize himself or his family.

 

When I read back on my journal entries, I feel like I'm reading from a bipolar person's entries...

 

Some days I display strength and resilience and other's I'm so weak and lost. Even I don't recognize the woman I thought I was. Everyone says to not blame myself or internalize his actions and believe me I TRY not to do this. Then my head gets to working and I realize that my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-identity are greatly affected by my husband abandoning me.

 

I see small glimpses of the strong confident woman that I know I am and in a flash the negative thoughts sweep them up.

 

Are you guys also feeling this way about yourselves at times?

[debtman]

Seems like there are lots of people on this thread just getting into the trauma of D. It's one of the worst things you will ever have to deal with, BUT, know this...it does get better! You will come out of this a better person. You will heal. Life is an incredible, wonderful gift you've been given filled with opportunities and the situation you are currently in is temporary. Many of us on here have been EXACTLY where you are now and it will improve.

 

When you get sad, when you get angry or frustrated, just remember this, your SO did you a favor. You're better off without someone who can just change their mind and drop you (and their family) from their lives. Take what you learned from this relationship and use it. Look honestly at your part in the state of the relationship (but DON'T try to take ANY of the blame for the end of it, that was NOT your decision...you're not the quitter, they are) and remember what you can do with your next relationship so it comes out stronger and more successful.

 

Focus on yourself (that's the 180), go get active, get involved in life again, go make new friends, try new things, be happy, or, at least act like it. Eventually, it will happen and you WILL be happy.

 

Most important, stay focused on the kids. That's, by far, the hardest part of the entire thing is seeing the pain that they have to deal with over something that is totally not their fault and outside of their power. I feel that I have a stronger relationship with my kids now than I ever have. I don't get as much time with them as I did, so I cherish every moment and spend that time focused on them, communicating with them, answering their questions and just being there.

 

It's taken me 9 months and I still have moments of anger and outrage towards my stbx, but she'll never see that...neither will my kids...but, I also have had many more moments (especially in the last 2 months) of completely happiness and satisfaction, personal reward and increased confidence. Life is an amazing thing just out there waiting for you to go grab it...you don't need that OP and you're better off without them.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[ensima]

Hopesanddreams was absolutely right! My STBXH was and is having and affair and is living with her. It knocks the wind out of me to know that I don't even recognize him anymore. He got violent when I confronted him and knew it all...he was a maniac and was threatening to hurt me. I drove away and didn't say a word to him.

 

All this time he had been making me feel terrible about myself, like the divorce was my fault because I didn't "make him happy" or that I "wasn't a good wife/partner"....when in actuality he was so ugly in side that he tried to deflect it on me. I think that's why when he got caught he turned so violent. Because up until this time, he was trying to play the good guy saying he was "making himself happy" that's why he filed for divorce....blah blah blah.

 

What a weak man! All this time I held my husband in such high regard....now I cannot respect him.

[Steadfast]

Hopesanddreams was absolutely right! My STBXH was and is having and affair and is living with her. It knocks the wind out of me to know that I don't even recognize him anymore. He got violent when I confronted him and knew it all...he was a maniac and was threatening to hurt me. I drove away and didn't say a word to him.

 

All this time he had been making me feel terrible about myself, like the divorce was my fault because I didn't "make him happy" or that I "wasn't a good wife/partner"....when in actuality he was so ugly in side that he tried to deflect it on me. I think that's why when he got caught he turned so violent. Because up until this time, he was trying to play the good guy saying he was "making himself happy" that's why he filed for divorce....blah blah blah.

 

What a weak man! All this time I held my husband in such high regard....now I cannot respect him.

 

Textbook. They all deny, they all lie. My ex confessed cheating, then continued to lie afterwards...even when there was no reason to! Well, no reason I could see, but to her, cutting ties with me meant facing it all alone if her cheating partner(s) didn't follow through with support. Three full affairs later, my ex contacted me and said she was 'scared' and expressed both disappointment and amazement that no one cared for her like I did.

 

You're better off. Cut the line and move on. In time, you'll trade up-

[ensima]

I certainly hope that God blesses me with opportunity and happiness. I have been making strides in opening up and reaching out to old and new friends as well as plugging away at my nursing courses and job interviews. I can't wait until I start building my self-confidence up and grab hold of my self-identity again. This has been extremely tough, but I have made it 4 weeks now and with yesterdays revelation of an affair it feels like day one again in a way.

 

I never knew how strong I was until I look back on journal entries and see how I've fought for my life so to speak these last couple of weeks...

[ensima]

Hey everyone, I need some advice...

Now my ex-husband is pressuring me to sign divorce papers right away. Its like he is so restless. I have a consultation with a lawyer next week so I don't want to sign anything until then.

 

I cannot even begin to sort through my feelings...I can't pin point exactly what it is I am feeling. I am for sure heart broken, but there is so much more to my feelings than that but I cannot put words to them for some reason.

 

I need some support even if it's online. What am I to do with these feelings and how do I heal? I feel broken, shattered....

[worldgonewrong]

ensima- you're probably feeling rushed. And you're looking for answers, and you perhaps feel like you're being pushed into a situation in which you're not given any closure.

Believe me, I relate. :-(

[carhill]

Now my ex-husband is pressuring me to sign divorce papers right away

 

Since you don't mention jurisdiction, I can only infer that you have been served with a divorce lawsuit and he's pressuring you to sign a settlement. If so, tell him to pound sand until you get legal advice, but make sure you respond legally within the time limit set by the court, as applicable. Your situation, with nebulous financial aspects and three children, in addition to his infidelity, is a perfect potential for a contested divorce.

 

My best advice, having BTDT, is to eat the elephant one bite at a time. Move in a positive direction one step each day and accept that step as a success, no matter the shyte storm the rest of the day might be. If counseling is available to you, use it. IME, it will help.

 

Life goes on. Imagine when someone you love dies. You grieve and you go on. Your marriage died. There is no grave, no urn on the mantle. What it was and what it is is within you. You own that. You'll get through it. Hug the kids.

[worldgonewrong]

beautiful, solid advice, Mr. Carhill.

[2sunny]

stand firm on what is right for you and your kids.

 

there is NO good reason to sign anything until you seek the advice of an attorney. an unemotional person who can advise you in YOUR best interest.

 

anything he's rushing you for = is only designed for HIS best interest. don't rush... stay calm - and know that you will sign when you feel ready.

 

do your best to take care of you.

 

hugs

[ensima]

Hi all,

 

I have reflecting on everything that has been going on regarding this relationship. For so long, my husband has made me feel that it was my fault that he was "unhappy" and making me feel that I was "not a good wife or good partner". Before I found out about his affair, I wracked my brain and blamed myself a lot for having not done a better job at keeping him happy or being a good partner. But now his skeletons are slowly falling out of the closet and hindsight is 20/20, I am able to see all of the lies and deception and emotional and psychological abuse I have endured all because of this man's weak character and lack of self-control.

 

I'm sure he has been telling friends and family his sob story of him just being "a good guy who is trying to be happy because he didn't have a good wife/partner/contributor in me" and that is his reasoning for divorce...when IN REALITY, he has been a cold, manipulating, premeditating all his moves for a very long time unbeknownst to me and our family.

 

I want all our friends and family to know that he has been a cheater, adulterer, manipulator, and that he has carried on this affair for some time....

I'm tired of him getting away with everything and manipulating the situation still by feeding these lies to everyone.

 

My question is, is it wrong for me to tell everyone what has been going on and that he is indeed a liar, cheater, disgusting individual?