I cant believe im admitting this

[spencer]

Im going back into therapy. Im so sad right now, my quality of life is rapidly diminishing.

i no longer experience happiness, im constantly in question of what is real and what is not.

my work is suffering and so is my relationship, and i cant seem to pull out of it this time.

actually iv'e never been able to pull out with out medical help.

 

this happens every so often.

i can fake like im normal, then i get caught in situations that i cant explain, with out telling everyone that i have hallucinations.

 

i am aware that i have schizophrenia.

none of my doctors have ever come out told me. but i know. I talked to my GP a few days ago and he said its either ADD/or Schizophernia. I dont know why im disturbed by hearing him lable it. I guess i always thought my symptoms were almost normal.

 

I assumed my last therapist talked to him more indepth, since the GP prescribes the

anti-psycotic meds, but it would appear not, by his reluctance to do so again without direct order.

i have been treated with anti-psycotics meds in the past., starting at the age of 14.

 

I started talking about things that weren't really there when i was 5. It didn't seem to be a concern from the adults reaction. then i started to again have auditory, and visual hallucinations during my teen years, i went to a psychiatrist and was given meds to help me with my issues. again no one in my life seemed to get it.

 

and again in my 20's,

I didn't think my symptoms were bad enought to be labeled as such.

I assumed that I could tell when i had a hallucination, especially the visual ones,

there obvious to me.

 

its the auditory halluncinations i have a harder time ignoring. for instance my bf, or my boss tells me to do something and i do. then they get mad that i thought they said to do this, after i have done what they told me to do.

i have had my ability to distinguish the real and the not real blured. I used to fly with it, and now im fearful.

 

my bf, he is the new guy iv'e been dating for the last year. has no knowledge of my past and i like feeling almost normal around him.

when he says something and i say "what", he goes "what do you think i said"?

and im afraid to answer without clarifacation. what if I heard one of my things and not what he really said.

I know this is a small thing, but he gets annoyed with my repeating, and i would too, im just fearful he finds out i hear voices.

 

well he knows now, anyway, he caught me repeating somethings he says he really didn't say. so have other people. thats how i know im getting worse.

that, and i keep hearing someone run up my stairs to try to break into my house. this must be the hallucination of the year. 3 years ago, it was a young girl in my attic.

1 or 2 times a week i jump out of bed to go see who's breaking in. IM TIRED. im sleeping on the couch now. a few months ago, i was fighting off a guy with a knife in my bed, my bf woke up and tried to calm me down.

I feel so inadequate.

I look forward to death or releif. i have been in quite a morbid mood lately.

i would never 'do myself in' but i look forward to the day i can rest ..forever.

the last couple of years have been real hard, im feeling things move that shouldn't. stuff vibrates when i touch it.....and not in a good way. the things i see move, i can ignore.

but the hearing stuff gets me really confused. i dont know whether to act or not.

i have to ask for them to say it again or ask if someone else heard that too.

this is difficult to do at work.

 

I know stress exasperates it, and i started a new job in november, and i haven't been very effective at it. too much chatter in my head to really get anything done.

 

I am already being treated for depression, and recently i cant seem to get it together.

 

thanks for listening.

[Fedup&givingup]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

You are doing the responsible and right thing by seeking help. I'll bet it's a scary, overhwelming feeling, but you are doing the RIGHT thing.

 

I'll be here to listen to you any time.

[moimeme]

Gosh, Spencer, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Still, there are now very good meds for schizophrenia and if your GP is a skilled psychopharmacologist, he should be able to work with you to titrate properly to your needs.

 

You don't have to battle these symptoms alone. Have a frank discussion with your doc. He should be able to help you in this.

[Pookette]

Hey, I know it can be hard. I haven't personally gone through it, but my ex was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia while I was with him. He actually thought I was trying to poison him (my cooking's not that bad).

 

Do you go on and off your meds? My ex was on Klonopin, Paxil, and a bunch of others. He would go off his meds and then start hallucinating again.

 

My prayers are with you!

[carla]

Wow you poor thing. I couldn't even imagine what you must be going through. Hopefully the doc will put you on some good meds that will help. You always have a listening board here at the shack.

[spencer]

do we all have imsomnia here.

 

yes, pookette, i did pretty good with clonpine. i felt like i came back into myself. i was splitting at the time. made alot of personal progress. sleeping was one, anxiety another.

but i wasn't confidant. my ex, and some family members were against me medicating. my ex would inhibit me by telling me that i dont know whats real anyway so i should just do what he said, since hes the competent one. he was the mean selfish, controlling, violent one.

 

some family seems to think that everything is fine and i can just make my problems go away if i could focus on good skills and hard work.

their not going to like what the counselor is going to recommend. meds.

the last counselor i saw, whom they recommended, they started to put down and say he was going though some of his own problems and said i got bad therapy.

he was having problems with his wife, divorce, and his brother died. but, i still think he gave me some real help. im over stuff that has bothered me for years.

 

so i try again.

you all are great. thank you.

[Pookette]

Well, hang in there. YOU know what you need, don't let people tell you otherwise!

[spencer]

Originally posted by Pookette

He actually thought I was trying to poison him (my cooking's not that bad).

 

there was this really good story about behavioral therapy in a mental hospital that the

'new york times' ran a while ago. true story.

 

there were these two women in the psychward,

one of the women would go around and eat off of everybodies plate, pissing off the other diners, starting fights all over.

 

another one of the women was afraid that her food was poisened, and wouldn't eat anything.

 

a therapist put them both at the same dining table, and told the woman with the poisened food that the other woman was her food taster.

 

problem solved.

[befuddled11]

My heart goes out to you, Spencer.

 

I was amazed when I read your post. You have such a great insight and awareness, and I don't think you give yourself nearly enough credit. I used to work on a general psychiatry unit, years ago (nurse), and some of my dearest patients were schizophrenics.....(some paranoid, some not). Many of them in their early and late 20s. Even when they were well stabilized on their meds, they didn't have nearly the clarity and insight that you have, if that's any consolation. Maybe you don't have schizophrenia?

 

Are you under the care of a good psychiatrist who you have a good working relationship with, one that you trust?

 

Considering your age, I'm surprised that your docs have NOT told you what they suspect you might have. You're an adult and they shouldn't keep you in the dark (unless they do that because they're not sure themselves?)....because with any mental illness, it's so important for the person to learn as much as they can about their illness, you know?

 

Please don't worry about what other people think...especially about what your family will think if you're to start on meds. Being on meds for a mental illness is no different at all then someone with diabetes having to be on insulin, or someone with with asthma having to use medications to help them breathe easier.

 

Stress of a new job is hard for most everyone.....is there anyway you can find a different job, one that isn't so stressful?

 

Sounds like you desperately need some good sleep. Are you taking any medications (doctor prescribed) to help you sleep better? Have you tried sleeping with a light on, just so that if you wake up and are having hallucinations, you're at least not in the dark and can hopefully reorientate yourself more easily?

 

You know.....going on a lack of sleep, for a lot of people, can really screw up a person's ability to think and reason and think clearly.

 

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Don't lose hope..and if you feel you're not getting the help you need from your doctors, maybe look for someone else?

[moimeme]

some family seems to think that everything is fine and i can just make my problems go away if i could focus on good skills and hard work.

their not going to like what the counselor is going to recommend. meds.

the last counselor i saw, whom they recommended, they started to put down and say he was going though some of his own problems and said i got bad therapy.

he was having problems with his wife, divorce, and his brother died. but, i still think he gave me some real help. im over stuff that has bothered me for years.

 

Spencer, people are woefully ignorant about ailments of the brain. Back before science had developed MRIs and PET scans and detailed information about neurotransmitters and other chemicals the brain uses, yes, it was thought that things like schizophrenia were due to faulty thinking. Those antiquated attitudes prevail even though science has advanced in leaps and bounds. Don't let the uninformed opinions of others keep you from getting treatment.

 

It is totally appalling to me that the same people who understand that diabetes is a chemical ailment and would never dream of condemning a diabetic for taking insulin will refuse to believe that the brain is just another organ subject to maladies which can be as easily treated with meds.

 

Eventually, people will wise up but don't wait until they do to get the treatment you need.

[SoleMate]

Spencer, I want to add my voice of support for you, and comments on some specific points:

 

Meds. Yes, lots of us are scared of them, and we've heard the putdowns and discouragement from many sides. Hey, I was petrified of taking my first Paxil. But the meds that are used today can often have effects that are nearly miraculous. They may not work as well for everyone, but as others have said, if your body needs it, you have the right to take it, and it is a GOOD DECISION to do so. And you need to let your doctor know you want whatever meds are likely to help.

 

Letting people know. I am SO glad you have let us LSers know about the problems you're dealing with. We want to support you with our hugs, and encouragement, and maybe a bit of advice here and there if you want it. And I hope you feel a bit better, just knowing that you have shared your secret with us and gotten that load partially off of your shoulders.

 

Doctors. There's a wide range out there, from terrific to dreadful. If the doctors you are working with are not helping you get better and giving you answers that make sense, please do what you can to insist on better medical care from them, or from others. You need help from someone who really knows how to treat the problem you're facing, and who also can diagnose you properly. It doesn't make sense to me that you would not have a firm diagnosis and treatment plan after all this time, especially with your pronounced symptoms.

 

I have to admire the way you're coping with a tremedously difficult situation. I just want to see your doctors and your family and friends backing you up a little bit more. Please keep posting and letting us know what we can do.

[Arabess]

Spencer,

I so enjoy your posts and wit. I'm sorry you are having to face such a huge psychological challenge. It must be very difficult indeed. I hope you get all the medical help you need and find a place of emotional peace.

 

I don't know very much about the illness you have. Other people in LS do though and can be invaluable as far as support and information.

 

We care and will be following your progress.....so keep us posted!

 

Arabess

[spencer]

thank you all, i appreciate your support.

i have been talking a little to my closest family and friends about my experiences.

although, i have said it...kinda before ... i have alway's wrapped it around another problem iv'e had. like slipping it in during another crises.

this time i am making it my focus. when i go to therapy i have a direct objective i want to accomplish.

the halluncinations are finally my objective. I will learn to deal ...or learn to deal.

 

i too feel very rational at times and and my rational will prevent me from going to the deep end, i hope.

I want to fight with every fiber of my being.

I am a survivor, a good fighter, and as logical as i cant be.

 

I just cant help myself here. this objective escapes me.

 

unfortunately, i have entered another family business.

my employers are therapists, LMFT's and I have accepted the reponsibility to learn the industry. i manage the office and the medical billing for 11 therapists.

my younger brother is going to college to become a therapist and we will tag team this business whem he is licenced. i choose to stay and endure, regardless of the personal cost.

 

im on thin ice as far as my sanity goes. but i will get through it, i usually do.

[spencer]

I saw my new therapist yesterday, he is the one i went to last year for help with my anxiety when leaving my ex. I told him I wanted to work on myself.

I came with a list of problems and objectives. I love this guy, he gets me.

 

anyway, he is going to call my GP and tweak out my meds.

it looks like we are going with the welllbutrin/celexa/lithium mix, for now, he sugested another antipsycotic, but i heard i causes weight gain, i mean 50+ lbs.

i said no way, 10 lbs fine but not 50. we could add something later if needed.

 

He told me that no one needs to know i am on meds. except my family on LS.

and gave me some coping suggestions to deal with the family, ie..explain behavior..ect...ect..

and he told me to use paraphrasing skills to repeat back what was just said, he said don't worry about looking like a "retard" (my word/feeling)...just do it.

 

my new bf, whom, i was kinda concerned he might not want to deal with my illness. has been so supportive of me and is backing me up. i am overwhelmed with joy. he believes the family that is not accepting of my medicating, are controlling and brainwashed. love that.

 

bf also said to tell him when stuff happens, not try to hide it, like i have been. his curiosity is peaked. I said i will let you know when i suspect something is happening, provided i can tell its just happening to me.

 

i cant wait to feel safe again. the paronia is getting worse.

but the good news is i feel like i have a bf i can trust to look after my best interest.

i will need to follow his lead, because i cant trust myself to make clear choices, right now.

[Fedup&givingup]

Spencer,

 

This is great. I know you will feel better. I'm especially happy to hear that your boyfriend is supportive, and being a loyal friend to you throughout this. That's really important.

 

Lithium is POWERFUL stuff. I've heard of some serious permanent side effects from it. If there's an alternative, that would be great, but if not, oh well. Do what you have to in order to take care of yourself.

 

Again, glad to hear the good news!

[pav186]

hey spencer,

 

i also just want to give you my support as i know this is very hard for you. i know someone with schizophrenia who takes the anti-psychotic med called risperdal. It seems to really help her when she ACTUALLY takes her meds on a daily basis but i think taking meds is a problem for most people with mental illnesses. I dont know how risperdal compares to the one that could cause you to gain weight. Was that weight gain a definite or possibility? And i really honestly wish you the best.

 

Im thrilled that your bf is supportive because that says a lot about him.

[spencer]

hi everyone its May 14th,

a quick update

 

4 weeks ago I went back on new meds and I no longer want to kill myself,

i haven't had a halluncination in almost 10 days.

I almost smiled and actually left the house by choice on tuesday.

its seems to be better than before, im calmer, less paranoid and anxious.

 

i have started leaving notes to myself to take my meds and how many im supposed to take,

i will forget to take stuff for days and get myself in trouble, because i didn't know enought to take them. notes to call people, notes to do stuff, my life is being run by freaking notes.

 

tonight i allowed someone to stand behind me at the sushi bar, although, i had them in the eyes in the back of my head, my bf was really amazed.

 

i have been avoiding this site for a while now, im just healing and dont feel like talking much. my heart is with you guys, and when i am better i'll return with a vengence.

 

later

[moimeme]

Thanks for the update! Very glad to hear you're doing better. I look forward to your return Meantime, take care!

[sportsloving]

Best wishes and congrats on the improvements ... remember "baby steps, baby steps" one at a time.

 

Congrats and hope you are doing well.