cautionary tale about breaking NCR

[kittycat95]

Every single friend of mine told me to leave him alone and not talk to him in the days following a big blow out fight that led to a break up. Truthfully it blindsided me because I thought we were supposed to work things out, and I refused to accept that it was really over. To me it was just a fight, and we would work things out. What followed was a complete mess for me, a full-on emotional disaster as I called, emailed, sent e-cards for about 8 days straight, stopping only when I began to understand I was acting Desperate with a capital D. I let up for a day or two. But once he actually started to communicate back with me, forget it. Hope reared itself like an ugly specter and convinced me that this ghost of a man that I loved (who had already departed my world as I know it) whom I fleshed together using happier memories and anything I desperately clung to to make him feel real - that he was really there.

 

But he wasn't.

 

The truth was he'd already moved on. And I made the mistake of our believing our stilted communication together meant something. I was careful not to beg for him back or ask him to work things out. A lot of the time I said things trying to seek greater clarity and understanding. There was a time I also texted and emailed him many angry things which surprisingly evoked in him a sort of defensive - BUT I DID CARE ABOUT YOU - angry reaction.

 

I won't lie - it made me feel good after his complete silence to hear that he said he did care and he did love me.

 

But I hung on like a barracuda to small things he tossed at me, losing myself again in the process and re-opening wounds and making myself vulnerable and to let him in again.

 

The truth is, saying good bye for me means saying goodbye FOREVER. And I'm too afraid of facing that prospect, of living with the possibility that I made the wrong decision and I will regret it in the future.

 

There can be no good to come of trying to force someone who wants you to leave them alone, to talk to you. There is nothing he will give you but pity and disdain.

[0hpenelope]

Yup. Well, the exes who have a healthy mindset won't hold on to it. But they certainly remember. I wrote about my cousin's experience w/ his ex-gf here. He's the one who broke up with her and though she acted inappropriately, he doesn't dislike her. Her actions left a really strong impression though and he clearly remembers her behavior post-break up. More so than the good, if I interpreted his tone correctly tonight.

[calndn]

Kittycat I could have written that myself! I clung on to every word my ex told me after dumping me it actually led me to depression and seeking counselling. He messed with my head gave me false hope and I wish more than anything I didn't fall for his empty words. I wish our goodbye was goodbye forever but no I got hurt even more instead by letting him bk in my life. I'm better now but would have been over him by now if I hadn't have let it happen!

[RuinedLife]

Every single friend of mine told me to leave him alone and not talk to him in the days following a big blow out fight that led to a break up. Truthfully it blindsided me because I thought we were supposed to work things out, and I refused to accept that it was really over. To me it was just a fight, and we would work things out. What followed was a complete mess for me, a full-on emotional disaster as I called, emailed, sent e-cards for about 8 days straight, stopping only when I began to understand I was acting Desperate with a capital D. I let up for a day or two. But once he actually started to communicate back with me, forget it. Hope reared itself like an ugly specter and convinced me that this ghost of a man that I loved (who had already departed my world as I know it) whom I fleshed together using happier memories and anything I desperately clung to to make him feel real - that he was really there.

 

But he wasn't.

 

The truth was he'd already moved on. And I made the mistake of our believing our stilted communication together meant something. I was careful not to beg for him back or ask him to work things out. A lot of the time I said things trying to seek greater clarity and understanding. There was a time I also texted and emailed him many angry things which surprisingly evoked in him a sort of defensive - BUT I DID CARE ABOUT YOU - angry reaction.

 

I won't lie - it made me feel good after his complete silence to hear that he said he did care and he did love me.

 

But I hung on like a barracuda to small things he tossed at me, losing myself again in the process and re-opening wounds and making myself vulnerable and to let him in again.

 

The truth is, saying good bye for me means saying goodbye FOREVER. And I'm too afraid of facing that prospect, of living with the possibility that I made the wrong decision and I will regret it in the future.

 

There can be no good to come of trying to force someone who wants you to leave them alone, to talk to you. There is nothing he will give you but pity and disdain.

 

I made many of the same mistakes post break up for the exact same reason you did. Because I thought it was just an argument that we could work out and I couldn't believe it when things got worse and worse.

 

And when he got back in contact I tried to stay cool and keep LC but I got carried away again and my ex again went completely silent on me.

 

I dread to imagine what he thinks about me now, but I still love him more than ever even 5 months later.

[RuinedLife]

Yup. Well, the exes who have a healthy mindset won't hold on to it. But they certainly remember. I wrote about my cousin's experience w/ his ex-gf here. He's the one who broke up with her and though she acted inappropriately, he doesn't dislike her. Her actions left a really strong impression though and he clearly remembers her behavior post-break up. More so than the good, if I interpreted his tone correctly tonight.

 

I REALLY hope this isn't true.

 

Or I don't want to believe its true. I guess it probably is.

 

Man, I just despise myself so so much. *Slaps self in face repeatedly*

[kittycat95]

Yeah, he basically said as much. He said the constant calling him and desperation made him realize, no matter how he felt about me, that he was 99 percent sure any relationship between us would fail. Would I have done anything differently? I don't know. But at this point all I can do is try to walk away.

 

I suggested to him that we "take a break" instead of break it off for good and he kind of just laughed at me. He said there's you and me, there's no us, and he said he hadn't agreed to do anything with me.

 

I guess I'm slightly masochistic for putting up with this pain. I feel numbness and emptiness knowing he hasn't initiated a single conversation or contact with me, but when I see a new text message from him I can't help but feel happy. Even when what he says is completely mean and breaks me down.

 

This is truly sick, and a good example of why NCR is sometimes necessary. It's just not healthy to continue this way.

 

So I last texted him that all I could do was to stop talking to him and contacting him and that I'd try not to think of him because it would just make me miss him. Then I said your loss.

 

There's ways to do things with grace and class and then there's way to do things the way that I did them. I guess I am trying to be gentle to myself and realize I acted this way because I've just been in severe emotional distress and this isn't really the way that I am.

 

Still hurts like hell.

 

I feel he is really angry and annoyed that I keep contacting him but he honestly has given me some confusing mixed signals too. Apart from the whole LEAVE ME ALONE shtick he's kept up.

 

Whatever.

[0hpenelope]

I REALLY hope this isn't true.

 

Or I don't want to believe its true. I guess it probably is.

 

Man, I just despise myself so so much. *Slaps self in face repeatedly*

Ruined, it's not true for everyone. That's the most helpful thing I can say.

 

The ex that "brought" me to Loveshack, I went batsh*t insane over. Crying, begging, etc. Jerk got a massive ego trip over everything until I finally learned my lesson as taught to me by the posters from LS.

 

We all do crazy stuff, okay? I'm sure my cousin wasn't a model boyfriend either and the lesson I wanted to impart here is, when someone wants to leave, believe them and let them go! If they're unwilling to forgive craziness from the ex, that's their problem because break-ups do bring out the worst in people, but the crazy behavior doesn't determine the entire make up of a person's character. If you gave the crazy, hopefully you will chalk it up to a lesson learned and not make the same mistakes again.

 

My cousin doesn't hold it against his ex. Our conversation made it clear. But it made a strong enough impression on him that he remembers them more clearly than the good stuff.

 

From a reformed crazy ex, do I regret chasing the 2007-2008 ex? Yes because he was a jerk. But I learned my lesson: I didn't act crazily towards the recent ex that I still love.

 

NC for me.

[RuinedLife]

Yeah, he basically said as much. He said the constant calling him and desperation made him realize, no matter how he felt about me, that he was 99 percent sure any relationship between us would fail. Would I have done anything differently? I don't know. But at this point all I can do is try to walk away.

 

I suggested to him that we "take a break" instead of break it off for good and he kind of just laughed at me. He said there's you and me, there's no us, and he said he hadn't agreed to do anything with me.

 

I guess I'm slightly masochistic for putting up with this pain. I feel numbness and emptiness knowing he hasn't initiated a single conversation or contact with me, but when I see a new text message from him I can't help but feel happy. Even when what he says is completely mean and breaks me down.

 

This is truly sick, and a good example of why NCR is sometimes necessary. It's just not healthy to continue this way.

 

So I last texted him that all I could do was to stop talking to him and contacting him and that I'd try not to think of him because it would just make me miss him. Then I said your loss.

 

There's ways to do things with grace and class and then there's way to do things the way that I did them. I guess I am trying to be gentle to myself and realize I acted this way because I've just been in severe emotional distress and this isn't really the way that I am.

 

Still hurts like hell.

 

I feel he is really angry and annoyed that I keep contacting him but he honestly has given me some confusing mixed signals too. Apart from the whole LEAVE ME ALONE shtick he's kept up.

 

Whatever.

 

Ouch!!

 

Yes this is what I try to tell myself. But doesn't ease the regret and guilt much really. And knowing it was my over-the-top emotions that triggered the break up in the first place and poor communication skills, that REALLY hurts.

 

But whats done is done and can't be undone as they say. I would do anything to take the whole sorry incident back though. The whole thing from start to finish makes me cringe now. I just want to erase it from history forever with a capital F!!

[RuinedLife]

Ruined, it's not true for everyone. That's the most helpful thing I can say.

 

The ex that "brought" me to Loveshack, I went batsh*t insane over. Crying, begging, etc. Jerk got a massive ego trip over everything until I finally learned my lesson as taught to me by the posters from LS.

 

We all do crazy stuff, okay? I'm sure my cousin wasn't a model boyfriend either and the lesson I wanted to impart here is, when someone wants to leave, believe them and let them go! If they're unwilling to forgive craziness from the ex, that's their problem because break-ups do bring out the worst in people, but the crazy behavior doesn't determine the entire make up of a person's character. If you gave the crazy, hopefully you will chalk it up to a lesson learned and not make the same mistakes again.

 

My cousin doesn't hold it against his ex. Our conversation made it clear. But it made a strong enough impression on him that he remembers them more clearly than the good stuff.

 

From a reformed crazy ex, do I regret chasing the 2007-2008 ex? Yes because he was a jerk. But I learned my lesson: I didn't act crazily towards the recent ex that I still love.

 

NC for me.

 

Yes I've definitely learnt the lesson.

 

The situation your cousin had with his ex is very similar to the one I had with mine in terms of its progression.

 

And even though I do despise myself with a passion, I guess I did try to limit my "crazy behavior", by only sending a couple of texts and only a couple of really over the top emails (but they were long ones!) And I try and remember that at the time it honestly did feel like the best thing to do, as at least I know I did try my very best to show my ex that I wanted to work things out, that I was deeply sorry for all the things I said, and was willing to try different ways of making our relationship work). And so if he did come back he didn't feel like he had to take any of the blame for what happened and that I'd just be happy to give things another go in anyway he wanted. He refused and went cold on me of course. Also I know its really cowardly but I use my illness as an excuse somewhat too, as I was very ill during the breakup process, so ill I had to go to hospital at one point, and my anxiety was completely out of control. No doubt it doesn't make me any less #crazy# in my ex's eyes, and it doesn't much ease my guilt or self-hatred, but these things are true none-the-less.

 

My family just keeps telling me, if your ex really loved you then he would have tried to work things out, he would have tried to at least talk things out face to face. But try as I might I can't believe them, and I don't blame my ex in any way for how he acted. I only blame myself for what happened. I believe he did love me, and maybe he would have even wanted us to stay close and keep things going for a lot longer if I hadn't let my insecurities and anxiety overwhelm me and destroy everything we had.

 

I just look back over it all now and think, why did I DO that??? Why did I chuck everything we had away for nothing.

Edited June 19, 2011 by RuinedLife

[jacksonBrown]

Every single friend of mine told me to leave him alone and not talk to him in the days following a big blow out fight that led to a break up. Truthfully it blindsided me because I thought we were supposed to work things out, and I refused to accept that it was really over. To me it was just a fight, and we would work things out. What followed was a complete mess for me, a full-on emotional disaster as I called, emailed, sent e-cards for about 8 days straight, stopping only when I began to understand I was acting Desperate with a capital D. I let up for a day or two. But once he actually started to communicate back with me, forget it. Hope reared itself like an ugly specter and convinced me that this ghost of a man that I loved (who had already departed my world as I know it) whom I fleshed together using happier memories and anything I desperately clung to to make him feel real - that he was really there.

 

But he wasn't.

 

The truth was he'd already moved on. And I made the mistake of our believing our stilted communication together meant something. I was careful not to beg for him back or ask him to work things out. A lot of the time I said things trying to seek greater clarity and understanding. There was a time I also texted and emailed him many angry things which surprisingly evoked in him a sort of defensive - BUT I DID CARE ABOUT YOU - angry reaction.

 

I won't lie - it made me feel good after his complete silence to hear that he said he did care and he did love me.

 

But I hung on like a barracuda to small things he tossed at me, losing myself again in the process and re-opening wounds and making myself vulnerable and to let him in again.

 

The truth is, saying good bye for me means saying goodbye FOREVER. And I'm too afraid of facing that prospect, of living with the possibility that I made the wrong decision and I will regret it in the future.

 

There can be no good to come of trying to force someone who wants you to leave them alone, to talk to you. There is nothing he will give you but pity and disdain.

 

very true my situation was exactly the same except i was chasing my ex GF i finally got it threw my thick skull that its OVA.. and now i just wish i had gone NC from day one but thats all hindsite now i shudder to think how desperate i've looked over the last 7 weeks its NC now for me forever i've let her go