How do I avoid dating someone like my ex in the future?

[Sugarkane]

It takes like a year for someone to show their true colours. During the dating stage, people always put on their good side. After that they show you their true selves. How do I avoid dating someone like my ex?

 

He is a future faker to a tee. I miss the person in the beginning, not the person he actually is. He jumps from girl to girl and had never actually had a relationship before me. So I'm technically his first proper girlfriend.

Everything seemed fine and then he dumps me completely out of the blue, without no warning. Was verbally abusive in dumping me. Blamed everything on me. Refused to even talk to me about the breakup. He is a con artist who cheats and strings girls along. Then will blame it on you.

[oaks]

How do I avoid dating someone like my ex?

 

I'm sensing this was just a rant, but one answer is:

Ask more questions earlier about previous relationship experience.

[Sugarkane]

That makes it difficult when people like my ex cover up their past or downright lie about it.

[grkBoy]

It's unfortunate, but you can't. Not when the guy is willing and able to present a phony facade of who he is.

 

The only warning sign I'd tell you was the fact he had jumped around from girl to girl and never committed before you. Some guys just have bad luck and never have a good LTR, but you can see the difference between those and playas. Playas get girls...and it always surprises me how many women think they can tame on. They see him laying a new girl every week, but want to convince themselves they're "special enough" that he sees it as love with her, not just a piece of tail.

 

The only suggestions I can give to you and other men and women who end up in similar situations:

 

1) Don't cling or try to "make it work" once he/she shows their true colors. So he was a playa before you, then 7 months into the RL he cheats. Don't forgive him and try again to "make it work". Accept that a leopard can't change its spots and move on.

 

The biggest mistake many, especially women, make in these situations is not that they ended up with a bad person, but they won't dump said bad person and move on. They keep giving this person 1000 chances to "do better" because they want the past lie back. The phony facade.

 

2) Look for similarities in the men who keep doing you wrong. I know a few women who absolutely drool over athletic dark-skinned Italians, but none of them have ever managed to tame one into marriage. Every one of these guys cheated and/or turned into a terrible boyfriend. Yet these women still keep pursuing the types.

 

I'm not saying all tall dark-skinned Italian men can't be good mates, but if you've been through several of them and they all did you wrong, then it's time to think about other men who aren't in that "type".

 

I can turn this around to men. I see plenty pursuing the slender sexy gal who always dresses in short skirts and heels, spends too much time in the beauty parlor, etc. Yet these guys wonder why "all women are psychos" or "all women are lying whores". The answer is they only pursue one type of woman and thus picked the type that ends up generally as shallow, spoiled, psycho, deceiving, etc.

 

If one type is constantly doing you wrong, then try other types.

[WhisperinnWinds]

Because past behavior is your best clue about future behavior. If he treats every girl the same way, or every relationship ends the same way, it's a clue that he may be the one common thread there. He may well pick crappy girls to get into relationships and that's why they always splinter, or he may be the jerk picking from a variety of girls who causes trouble.

 

Listen to his language. Is it all negative? Is everybody all bad? Are all of his exes bad? That's a clue he could be a jerkface.

 

Not super-soon in the relationship, but go on a trip together alone for a week. Most people can keep up a facade for a little while. But being around each other constantly? It might surface.

[phineas]

OP, have you ever dated someone like him before?

[daisydukes]

Maybe look out for red flags?? If you see red flags like your last ex better cut your losses and find another man because I am sure you do not want to fall into that same pattern correct?? I dated a player once and now every guy I date I look out for signs and make sure that does not happen again.

[snug.bunny]

Because past behavior is your best clue about future behavior. If he treats every girl the same way, or every relationship ends the same way, it's a clue that he may be the one common thread there. He may well pick crappy girls to get into relationships and that's why they always splinter, or he may be the jerk picking from a variety of girls who causes trouble.

 

Listen to his language. Is it all negative? Is everybody all bad? Are all of his exes bad? That's a clue he could be a jerkface.

 

Sound advice, for both genders.

[Sugarkane]

Yeah I'm afraid I have dated jerks before. I was young and naive and my upbringing has been very sheltered. Nobody told me anything what to do. I was far too trusting. My experiences have made me a bit cynical. I've come across so much dishonesty, its very discouraging.

 

However I did take it slow with my ex. He is a 100% jerkwad though. It was very disieving though. I took it slow with him and made sure I met his friends and family etc etc before sleeping with him. That made the breakup even worse because I became such good friends with all his friends. He is also friends with an ex, so I thought he was a good guy. Man was I wrong!

[phineas]

Yeah I'm afraid I have dated jerks before.

 

I don't know you, but i've dated your type.

It never ends well for me because i'm not a jerk.

so I pretty much move on when a woman starts relaying that every guy she dated not only treated her badly, she stayed with him right up until he dumped her/cheated on her/got violent.

 

I don't understand how a woman can recognize a guy is treating her badly but still stay with him.

 

Boggles my mind.

[SteensLuvAffair]

It all starts by you knowing and understanding who you are before you ever enter into a relationship.

 

Evaluate who you are and what behaviors that you may exhibit (i.e. neediness, the damsel in distress, etc.) that may be the reason you're attracting the same "type" of guy over and over again.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know you, but i've dated your type.

It never ends well for me because i'm not a jerk.

so I pretty much move on when a woman starts relaying that every guy she dated not only treated her badly, she stayed with him right up until he dumped her/cheated on her/got violent.

 

I don't understand how a woman can recognize a guy is treating her badly but still stay with him.

 

Boggles my mind.

I don't understand. My ex was verbally abusive, but he did it slowly over time. So you don't see it until its too late.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know you, but i've dated your type.

It never ends well for me because i'm not a jerk.

so I pretty much move on when a woman starts relaying that every guy she dated not only treated her badly, she stayed with him right up until he dumped her/cheated on her/got violent.

 

I don't understand how a woman can recognize a guy is treating her badly but still stay with him.

 

Boggles my mind.

You don't understand. Abusers do it slowly to you over time. So you don't see it until its too late. I did express how I felt about the relationship, but he always turned it around and blamed everything on me.

[Sugarkane]

As usual with my ex, it was my fault that he was an abuser. But never his own fault.

[Sugarkane]

Unlike my ex I didn't have to insult him and bring him down, just to feel good about myself.

 

Phineas- You really wouldn't understand unless you've actually been in this situation.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I don't understand. My ex was verbally abusive, but he did it slowly over time. So you don't see it until its too late.

 

Sugarkane, this sentence of yours describes the way verbal abusers proceed very well.

 

I feel your pain and I don't really have an answer to your question because in the last 10 years, I had 2 serious relationships and one guy was a verbal abuser and the other a pathological liar. If I look back on it, I can't say I did a lot wrong apart from giving too much credit to these guys but hey, I loved them so then giving credit is what you do. And yes, I took it slow each time so that is apparently not a guarantee. Someone who wants to abuse you will abuse you at some point, and they will often wait until you are setlled in the relationship because it is a lot harder to leave then.

 

The only advice I have for you (and for myself) is not sweat it when you don't like something and immediately speak up. And if your partner does not take you serious at that moment, then you stop the relationship. There should always be respect. Always. And if it is not there, it has to be made very clear that you won't tolerate it. It means that you have to take the mindframe that at any point the relationship can be over and that you will be back to living on your own. At least that's the mindframe I have taken now.

[PinkInTheLimo]

You don't understand. Abusers do it slowly to you over time. So you don't see it until its too late. I did express how I felt about the relationship, but he always turned it around and blamed everything on me.

 

Did I already recommend the books of Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft to you. Especially the latter has written a great book about verbal abuse.

[phineas]

Unlike my ex I didn't have to insult him and bring him down, just to feel good about myself.

 

Phineas- You really wouldn't understand unless you've actually been in this situation.

 

And yet, many women have seen the red flags early & dumped those men ASAP.

 

How many times does someone have to put you down before you delete them from your life?

 

I dated a woman who told me one ex "was a really great guy, he was just so controlling"

 

Or i've heard "he was moody & verbally abusive, I think I loved him too much"

 

 

That's just the tip of the ice-burg. I've seen women make so many excuses for men that treated them horribly.

 

Then turn around & cheat on a great guy with some looser like their ex.

 

I really can't see it as being any different than a woman who uses sex to manipulate men. I can see that crap a mile away & bail ASAP because those women are nothing but trouble.

 

I'm not trying to beat you up, but you need to stop making excuses. Like I said, there are women out there that dump these guys at the first sign of trouble.