Things are going well - and it kind of bothers me

[SoMovinOn]

So many threads about problems with A's, things not going well... which makes sense - that's when you'd look for help.

 

Thought I'd talk a little about how my A has been going very well, and how that still doesn't feel all that good.

 

mOW and I don't get much time together. She has no kids. Her and H were used to being together nearly 24/7. Typically, we only see each other during the week, while she's at work. Lunches, a smoke break here and there. Once in a while, a few minutes after work. At best we might get 90 minutes together.

 

We want to spend more time together, and we've talked about how we might manage that, but anything we might do to do that would likely cause him to get suspicious.

 

Part 1 - A few weeks ago, she managed to take a trip to Florida with her sister, with the plan that I'd meet her down there. It worked well. The three of us got to spend 5 days together, and she and I got a ton of time alone together, including a whole day while her sis was gone on a day trip. It was awesome.

 

Of course, we both knew that going back to reality was going to seriously suck, and it did. Still does.

 

Part 2 - When she misses me on the weekends, she'll text and ask me to stop up at the bar she and her H hang out at. I sort of don't like to. Me and her H get along really well. We have a lot in common. HE likes me a lot and enjoys when I hang out with them. I don't like that because I imagine he will likely find out about our A at some point. Bad enough he will feel betrayed by her. I don't want it to be that much worse, to also be betrayed by someone he views as a friend.

 

It's complicated how it all came together, but... we were all together on Friday night. HE invited me to a benefit for local fallen soldier. We talked about a big veterans benefit bike run today. I told him I normally go every year, but my wife was working, so I wasn't going to go alone.

 

So... of course, he suggests I take HIS wife (if he only knew). It had to be killing her to sit there with a straight face when he said that.

 

I picked her up at 8:30 this morning. Spent the entire day and evening with her on the bike run. She kept him updated via text throughout the day - where we were, what was going on. He kept encouraging her to go ahead and stay as long as she wanted. I finally got her home just after 11 this evening.

 

One of the ****ty things about having an A... I couldn't just take it for what it was - that he trusts me, that to him, it was just her and I going on a bike run together, attending a memorial event, eating food, drinking, listening to a band... I had to keep wondering "What is he thinking?", "What if he knows and this is some sort of set up?", "Why is he doing this?"... things like that.

 

I never get a whole Saturday with her. I loved having it. We had a great time. Out of respect for his trust (I know...), we didn't do anything he couldn't have been there for. ... well, holding hands when we were walking, the way she held me as we were riding... a kiss here and there...

 

... but there was definitely the temptation to stop at a hotel for a few hours.

 

Anyway... very cool that we are getting more time together, but... the always down side to a A is you don't get to really enjoy it like you should. ... and I really don't care for how close he and I are getting. Being at their house, talking guy stuff... It's just weird and I don't think I want to do it very often.

 

Funny though... I think if I do things to avoid him, that might make him suspicious.

 

Read, comment, or don't. ... mostly just typing to sort things out in my head, deal with things...

[OldOnTheInside]

So you could say that, relative to the other nastier situations here, this is basically a thread about nothing?

 

Dunno what to say really...hmmm.

 

Where do you think this is going to go in the long term?

Where do you think their marriage is going?

 

^ Too lazy to read your older posts so the answer may lie there I guess.

 

I'm sure you don't need to be told that it is exceedingly cruel to get involved with your mOW's husband. Coming from a BS who was placed in that situation, double betrayal hurts, you know? I think a few days of introspection on your own would be good for you, so you know where to proceed from here on out.

Edited June 19, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[Heart On]

Out of respect for his trust (I know...), we didn't do anything he couldn't have been there for. ... well, holding hands when we were walking, the way she held me as we were riding... a kiss here and there...

 

... and I really don't care for how close he and I are getting. Being at their house, talking guy stuff... It's just weird and I don't think I want to do it very often.

 

Funny though... I think if I do things to avoid him, that might make him suspicious.

 

Not sure where the part where things are going well is,but it all just sounds so heartless on both of your parts.

 

I never understand how people can look the very people they are betraying in the eye and consider themselves to have a conscience.

 

I only say this because when I fell in love with a MM while I was married,I outted myself without shame,guilt or fear,and separated before it became sexual,knowing I couldn't deny my love for the OM,nor pretend that I loved my H.Xmm stayed married,never mentioned that I left my marriage over his lies and left me answering for myself alone.But at least I had the courage of my convictions and was HONEST and suffered consequences for my feelings!

 

My xH thanked me for my honesty.We ended up divorced and I didn't wind up with my duplicitous xMM thankfully! Like I wanted a man who could so easily decieve me and his wife? No thank you!

 

My attitude is WHY have an affair?

Why not just be honest and end one relationship?

 

I think this is going to blow up in your face,not to mention,her's and his.

 

If you are SO important to her,and her husband is your "friend" why not

either END this or make it REAL with honesty?

 

Her husband has a right to make informed choices,despite what the consequences might be for his wife.

 

Do you really think being duplicitous is the only way to have a relationship?

 

It's not.It's the only way to hurt people.

 

If you have no intention of making this real,or beng upfront with this man,walk away before this guy finds out what a sh*t heel you are and what a liar and cheat his wife is.

 

He could SNAP on you both if he finds out,and really,could you blame him?

 

I sort of don't like to. Me and her H get along really well. We have a lot in common. HE likes me a lot and enjoys when I hang out with them. I don't like that because I imagine he will likely find out about our A at some point. Bad enough he will feel betrayed by her. I don't want it to be that much worse, to also be betrayed by someone he views as a friend.

 

Then END IT!

 

Find your conscience or be willing to face the inevitable consequences.

 

It's not IF you will get caught,it's WHEN.

 

Odds are,she will throw you under the bus when the going get's tough!

 

Is the sex,really worth all this risk?

 

 

So... of course, he suggests I take HIS wife (if he only knew).

 

Come on,stop playing this guy for a fool.

You are an accompliss to his being betrayed.

 

Think about how you would feel if you were in his shoes.

 

You can walk away right now and leave them to thier issues.

Well,at least the one's he knows about.Or you can continue

to play this game and see just what happens within this very toxic

triangulation.

 

SOMEONE WILL GET HURT.

 

Is that what you want?

[SoMovinOn]

So you could say that, relative to the other nastier situations here, this is basically a thread about nothing?

 

A thread about thinking about things, different perspectives, about how things can be both good and bad at the same time...

 

 

Where do you think this is going to go in the long term?

Where do you think their marriage is going?

 

Yes. I am getting divorced, eventually. Just giving my STBXW time to get herself together and get out on her own.

 

mOW says she will get divorced. Being a realist, I don't expect that to happen. If it does... she and I will date for a while, probably move in together, and get married. I promised her I'd marry her 30 years ago. I plan to keep that promise.

 

 

Too lazy to read your older posts so the answer may lie there I guess.

 

It's a mess. Short version is I was a BS. Worked on reconciling with my W for 15 months after D-Day. Couldn't do it any more. Told her we were splitting and she could have time to get the psychiatric help she needs, get a job, get her stuff together and get out of her. That was about a year and a half ago. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just kicked her out on D-Day and left it at that.

 

mOW & I dated 30 years ago. I screwed up and walked away. She found me again. We've both been in love with each other all these years. Spent some time together now and found we still are. Eventually, realizing our attraction, discussed not having an A, not getting involved until we were both single. With the housing market and other factors, realized we'd not likely be able to get single for a while. At some point, we decided to be selfish and give in to having an A.

 

Like I said, it's a mess. mOW once said "We are in a committed relationship - just the 4 of us"

 

 

I'm sure you don't need to be told that it is exceedingly cruel to get involved with your mOW's husband. Coming from a BS who was placed in that situation, double betrayal hurts, you know? I think a few days of introspection on your own would be good for you, so you know where to proceed from here on out.

 

I know it all too well. My STBXW was shopping for an AP and went through several of our friends before she settled in with my best friend. I kind of thought it would go that way, but I hoped one or the other would be nice enough to stay away from that. Neither was.

 

I still hang out with him.

 

Yes... from the very start I have wanted to avoid getting to know him too well. I definitely wanted to avoid him thinking of me as a friend, someone he can trust. It's always been somewhat of a challenge because we spend a lot of time in the same places, doing the same things.

 

The hope is that we can keep the A secret and after they split, create the appearance of her and I then getting together (which, for a lot of reasons would seem completely normal). I don't know if we have a snowball's chance in hell of pulling that off, but... that's the plan.

[OldOnTheInside]

mOW says she will get divorced. Being a realist, I don't expect that to happen.

 

With the path you are going on, it should be clear that you are not as much a realist as you would think...

 

Yes... from the very start I have wanted to avoid getting to know him too well. I definitely wanted to avoid him thinking of me as a friend, someone he can trust. It's always been somewhat of a challenge because we spend a lot of time in the same places, doing the same things.

 

Well, the way things are going, it's already happened or going to happen. It is just a consequence of dancing along the slippery slope. A future trainwreck.

 

The hope is that we can keep the A secret and after they split, create the appearance of her and I then getting together (which, for a lot of reasons would seem completely normal). I don't know if we have a snowball's chance in hell of pulling that off, but... that's the plan.

 

Hah, you know, I used to think just like that when I was in my teens and twenties. "There is no way that this plan is going to work but why the hell not do it anyway?"

 

I dunno, I mean, do you honestly think your mOW's husband is that naive?

 

"Oh this strange man just happened to come into to town recently. Oh and hey, we're all hitting it off, how great. And now that the wife and I are divorced the strange man and my ex-wife are seeing each other. Nothing weird about that."

 

^Sounds like something out of a bad play.

 

I know it all too well. My STBXW was shopping for an AP and went through several of our friends before she settled in with my best friend. I kind of thought it would go that way, but I hoped one or the other would be nice enough to stay away from that. Neither was.

 

^ This is curious. I just hope you aren't dumping your own sh*t onto this guy.

[robf1971]

he suggests I take HIS wife (if he only knew). It had to be killing her to sit there with a straight face when he said that.

 

...

 

Dude, only two words spring to mind here

 

"sociopathic personality"

 

I'm referring to you by the way, not OW's husband. Look it up in the dictionary, get some help!!

[OldOnTheInside]

Dude, only two words spring to mind here

 

"sociopathic personality"

 

I'm referring to you by the way, not OW's husband. Look it up in the dictionary, get some help!!

 

Nah, I doubt it is that extreme.

 

Seems like a lot of the nastier aspects of his past have finally gotten to him. I do think that it is a shame that he couldn't resolve these problems without involving other people though. Oh well.

[bentnotbroken]

The lows that some people will sink too. A sister who is an accomplice. The two of you deceiving him while hanging with him. Sometimes I really don't mind hearing the worst that can happen stories.

[robf1971]

The lows that some people will sink too. A sister who is an accomplice. The two of you deceiving him while hanging with him. Sometimes I really don't mind hearing the worst that can happen stories.

 

It really does make you wonder. I think it's the OP crowing about it that's most disturbing.

[woinlove]

It is certainly no surprise that this "kind of bothers" you, but saying "things are going well" is a bit surprising. Your entire post is sad and makes one ponder how people end up treating themselves and others when they stop thinking they and others deserve better. What kind of love is built on such a lack of kindness and compassion? You can't undo what you've already done, but each day is a new opportunity to "be kind". And each day you let go by without grabbing that opportunity is another day to add to your kind-of-bothered bank.

[Spark1111]

The lows that some people will sink too. A sister who is an accomplice. The two of you deceiving him while hanging with him. Sometimes I really don't mind hearing the worst that can happen stories.

 

Someday, when and if he finds out, he may eat the end of a gun with the deception of this situation.

 

Then you and your widowed OW can hop on the bike and ride into the sunset to the nearest hotel room.

 

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING HERE?

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is, this is going to end very badly for everyone. Her husband is going to feel like such a flippin' fool, you two having an affair RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE. You had a choice to back out of that event (either 'come down sick' at the last minute or some other excuse..) because when he finds out the truth, (it's just a matter of time) he IS going to remember you taking his wife out with his permission. It's stuff like this, double betrayal and messed up situations that create crimes of passion.

 

Deep down I think you know the A is just going to be an A, nothing more. It sounds like in some warped way this MOW actually does love her H and has no intention of divorcing him. The only way she will leave/divorce is when you two get caught and HE DIVORCES HER, not her asking for a D.

 

A ticking time bomb is what you have in front of you. Scary and a lot of damage is going to be done.

[East7]

What a ugly situation

 

SMO, how can you be a fBS and inflict to others the same thing you have endured ?

 

How can you be friends with her H, the man sleeping next to her every night and pretend like nothing is happening ?

 

How can you consciously settle for crumbs, knowing very well she will not divorce for you. Don't you feel the humiliation of being a side dish ?

 

30 years ago was other time, other situation. Life changes in 30 years. If she decided that you were the love of her life you guys would have been together now.

[woinlove]

 

30 years ago was other time, other situation. Life changes in 30 years. If she decided that you were the love of her life you guys would have been together now.

 

I agree. Real love isn't buried in betrayal and deceit because of the "housing market".

[BB07]

"With friends like you, who needs enemies.":sick:

[MissBee]

I'm not sure how any of this can be classified as "going well"...

[SoMovinOn]

Is the sex,really worth all this risk?

 

You are very mistaken to think I'd do this for sex.

 

End it? Not going to happen.

 

Divorce? That will happen, but it will take time - primarily due to financial reasons.

 

I know what he does to her, how he treats her when no one else is around (or he thinks no one else is around) and why she tried so hard to find me again. I'm not the only one smiling in someone's face and being totally different behind their back. That's not an excuse or even an attempt at one, just pointing out he's worked long and hard to get himself to where he is in his relationship with her.

 

 

Think about how you would feel if you were in his shoes.

 

I don't have to think about it, I can remember it. It wasn't that long ago.

 

 

You can walk away right now and leave them to thier issues.

 

I walked away from her once, I will never do that again.

 

 

SOMEONE WILL GET HURT.

 

At the very least, he will. At worst, him, her, me... but even without the A, he will be hurt when she leaves.

 

 

Is that what you want?

 

Nope, but sometimes life sucks, sometimes people get hurt.

[SoMovinOn]

I dunno, I mean, do you honestly think your mOW's husband is that naive?

 

"Oh this strange man just happened to come into to town recently. Oh and hey, we're all hitting it off, how great. And now that the wife and I are divorced the strange man and my ex-wife are seeing each other. Nothing weird about that."

 

^Sounds like something out of a bad play.

 

And nothing like my situation. I've known her for over 30 years. We've always lived near each other, been involved in the same activities and hung out it the same circles.

 

 

^ This is curious. I just hope you aren't dumping your own sh*t onto this guy.

 

I don't have any. My STBXW is living with me until she can get on her feet and get out. I'm fine with her and what she did. My friend that she had an A with, him & I still hang out and get along fine. We all dealt with it and got over it. I don't like holding on to bad things... they just pile up and get in the way.

[SoMovinOn]

How can you consciously settle for crumbs, knowing very well she will not divorce for you. Don't you feel the humiliation of being a side dish ?

 

I hope she never divorces for me. Not ever. If she gets divorced, she needs to do that because that's what she needs to do, and she'd do it even if I didn't exist.

[OldOnTheInside]

I don't have any. My STBXW is living with me until she can get on her feet and get out. I'm fine with her and what she did. My friend that she had an A with, him & I still hang out and get along fine. We all dealt with it and got over it. I don't like holding on to bad things... they just pile up and get in the way.

You sure you don't? Coming from the man that has decided to "f*ck selflessness and do something for himself for a change", after his wife's affair, I find it suspect that you are seemingly baggage-free.

 

Nonetheless you are, of course, free to do as you wish. Just don't act surprised if this blows up horribly in your face in the worst way possible, as is customary.

[SoMovinOn]

Just don't act surprised if this blows up horribly in your face in the worst way possible, as is customary.

 

I expect it will blow up one day. I hope it doesn't, but I expect it will.

[Heart On]

I hope she never divorces for me. Not ever. If she gets divorced, she needs to do that because that's what she needs to do, and she'd do it even if I didn't exist.

 

Come on...without you in the wings,she would never have the guts to leave him and you have to know that.She is being fully influenced by your EMR.

 

I know that is exactly how it felt to me.Had I not run into a MM who seemed to want to be with me,I never would have been brave enough to

end my own misery.Ironically,it was the WORST thing that ever happened to me.

 

She can NOT make rational choices with your blurring her reality!

[Heart On]

Maybe deep down he suspects and is okay with it

 

Or maybe he trusts you both and would

be utterly devastated to find out the truth.

 

Eh...whatever....it's "love".

 

Just keep lying to him and doing exactly what you want.

His feelings don't matter.*thick sarcasm*

 

Funny thing about lying...it's never about protecting someone

else's feelings,it's about avoiding paying consequences for actions

you know are totally WRONG.

 

I can say,having been honest,I PAID DEARLY.

Watching the xMM lie and paying no consequences

really took the cake!

[26pointblue]

The lows that some people will sink too. A sister who is an accomplice. The two of you deceiving him while hanging with him. Sometimes I really don't mind hearing the worst that can happen stories.

 

Is this Cabin's MM?????

 

Seriously. Two threads about purposefully participating in deceiving the BS. It's disturbing.

 

[26pointblue]

All I can say is, this is going to end very badly for everyone. Her husband is going to feel like such a flippin' fool, you two having an affair RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE.

 

AND with the BS being a nice guy & trying to be friends with the OM & help each other out etc. Wow yeah he's gonna be blind-sided poor guy.

 

:-(