Things are going well - and it kind of bothers me

[Silly_Girl]

Is this Cabin's MM?????

 

Seriously. Two threads about purposefully participating in deceiving the BS. It's disturbing.

 

 

It's a support and discussion board. Folk should be able to open and share their stories. Many don't because they know what backlash will ensue.

[BB07]

It's a support and discussion board. Folk should be able to open and share their stories. Many don't because they know what backlash will ensue.

 

 

You said it.......it's a support AND discussion board and really why would someone not expect backlash just as you'd get in real life if you discussed a situations such as this thread???

 

 

If a poster doesn't want backlash then there are "other" sites that are protected and they shouldn't put it out here, correct?

[reboot]

Me and her H get along really well. We have a lot in common. HE likes me a lot and enjoys when I hang out with them. I don't like that because I imagine he will likely find out about our A at some point. Bad enough he will feel betrayed by her. I don't want it to be that much worse, to also be betrayed by someone he views as a friend.

 

Are you really prepared for the repercussions? Do you understand what might happen to him when he finds out? And therefore what might happen to you? This is not a Parker Brother's board game you're playing here.....

[LilyBart]

Come on...without you in the wings,she would never have the guts to leave him and you have to know that.She is being fully influenced by your EMR.

 

Who CARES if she leaves for him? Who CARES if she's being influenced by the EMR?

 

In my experience, it seems like when people leave it's because there's someone else "waiting in the wings". Think about it - unless it's truly horrible and you can't take it anymore, why would you leave "something" for "nothing"???

 

I know that is exactly how it felt to me.Had I not run into a MM who seemed to want to be with me,I never would have been brave enough to

end my own misery.Ironically,it was the WORST thing that ever happened to me.

 

She can NOT make rational choices with your blurring her reality!

 

You said it yourself, you wouldn't have been brave enough to leave, were it not for MM. Unfortunately for you, it turned out to be "the WORST thing that ever happened to me" because you left "something" and ended up with "nothing" (ie. MM not leaving, you single).

 

You would be singing a different tune had your MM gotten D'd and the two of you were happy.

 

The reason people leave (move on, get divorced, whatever you want to call it) is because you're leaving "something" for "something better".

[awkward]

SoMovingOn I don't understand which part about your situation is going well. Is it that you are getting more time with her because her husband is accepting of what he perceives as your friendship with his wife?

 

If that is the case, then that is probably what is kind of bothering you. Since you aren't going to end the affair relationship, I suggest you end the friendship with her husband. It's a horrible thing to do to a friend. Does your best friend now acknowledge that what he did was horrible?

[donnamaybe]

The lows that some people will sink too. A sister who is an accomplice. The two of you deceiving him while hanging with him. Sometimes I really don't mind hearing the worst that can happen stories.

That's what I thought too. Even the sister is in on the deceit! So, basically, she comes from a family of liars and cheats. And you want to be with her why?

[Owl]

Wow, does this story sound familiar to me...only from another point of view.

 

He trusted the two of you together...and you agreed to be 'trustworthy' and then proceeded to have that day with her...in the full knowledge of what was going on.

 

SMO...you tell me...what does this say about you? About her?

 

Personally, I see a storm on the horizon. Probably much sooner than you or her expect...and there'll be no good out of this for anyone.

 

Painfully familiar story.

[Heart On]

Who CARES if she leaves for him? Who CARES if she's being influenced by the EMR?

 

In my experience, it seems like when people leave it's because there's someone else "waiting in the wings". Think about it - unless it's truly horrible and you can't take it anymore, why would you leave "something" for "nothing"???

 

 

 

You said it yourself, you wouldn't have been brave enough to leave, were it not for MM. Unfortunately for you, it turned out to be "the WORST thing that ever happened to me" because you left "something" and ended up with "nothing" (ie. MM not leaving, you single).

 

You would be singing a different tune had your MM gotten D'd and the two of you were happy.

 

The reason people leave (move on, get divorced, whatever you want to call it) is because you're leaving "something" for "something better".

 

But you are missing something.It's called being honest with your spouse that you are NOT happy and the separating with NO promises whatsoever from the XMM.NONE.I did that.Believe me,when you wake up to the fact that they are playing you hard,you are more than relieved they stay with thier wife.He was much more than characterless....he was sociopathic.

I was just too blinded by his lies and charms and ignorant to men like him.

 

I can't comment more on this thread, as my post was flagged and removed when it was are no different in attitude than most others and the fact that the post you are referring to is gone makes it moot to add to my "lost points"...

 

I will say though,had I KNOWN who I had left my marriage for instead of what he SEEMED to be,I NEVER would have left.Ever.He built me up to destroy me.That's not love.And I am damn glad I got out of BOTH situations.

 

I guess I'll find out soon enough if that fits the forum criteria.

[bentnotbroken]

Who CARES if she leaves for him? Who CARES if she's being influenced by the EMR?

 

In my experience, it seems like when people leave it's because there's someone else "waiting in the wings". Think about it - unless it's truly horrible and you can't take it anymore, why would you leave "something" for "nothing"???

 

 

 

You said it yourself, you wouldn't have been brave enough to leave, were it not for MM. Unfortunately for you, it turned out to be "the WORST thing that ever happened to me" because you left "something" and ended up with "nothing" (ie. MM not leaving, you single).

 

You would be singing a different tune had your MM gotten D'd and the two of you were happy.

 

The reason people leave (move on, get divorced, whatever you want to call it) is because you're leaving "something" for "something better".

 

 

People leave something for nothing all the time. Nothing does not equal bad. Something does not equal good. Especially when you are leaving crap for vomit.

[donnamaybe]

People leave something for nothing all the time. Nothing does not equal bad. Something does not equal good. Especially when you are leaving crap for vomit.

Oh, honey, truer words were never spoken! I left - for ME and MY SON! It was the best thing I could have ever done. I had a few R's between then and now, and for awhile I didn't want anyone. Until my sweet man came along and changed my mind!

[Glinda]

The reason people leave (move on, get divorced, whatever you want to call it) is because you're leaving "something" for "something better".

You might want to look for a new social circle if you think this is true.

 

My sister and her two sons are living with us because she wanted out of her unhappy M. She left for LESS than nothing. Without a pot to pizz in or a window to throw it out of. She did, however, leave with one thing.

 

She left with her DIGNITY INTACT.

 

Your statement above just shows how you and others are too willing to throw yours away.

[OldOnTheInside]

It's a support and discussion board. Folk should be able to open and share their stories. Many don't because they know what backlash will ensue.

They need to toughen up as they would in real life. They either accept opposing viewpoints and learn from them, or ignore them and stay in their comfort zone. The latter is often easier.

 

The reason people leave (move on, get divorced, whatever you want to call it) is because you're leaving "something" for "something better".

Possibly or possibly not. Nobody has the power of precognition and everybody does things that they will end up regretting sooner or later. "Nobody is perfect" is a quote that seems to come up quite frequently here. Of course, this board wouldn't exist if everybody chose the less drama-filled route in the first place. But hey.

[LilyBart]

I will say though,had I KNOWN who I had left my marriage for instead of what he SEEMED to be,I NEVER would have left.Ever.He built me up to destroy me.That's not love.And I am damn glad I got out of BOTH situations.

 

Like I said - you would be singing a COMPLETELY different tune had your MM been who you "thought" he was. Had he gotten D as well and the two of you embarked on a life together and were happy.

 

But that's not what happened and I appreciate your honesty in saying "I NEVER would have left" (your M) had you known the outcome.

 

Hence my theory that people DON'T leave "something for nothing" but leave "something for something better" holds true.

 

I rest my case.

[LilyBart]

SoMovinOn - you're already in the A, you love this woman and you've decided that you're not going to let her go now (after your mistake 30 years ago).

 

The situation is a little sticky with being a "friend" of the BH - so I understand how you can be happy with your MW and still feel bothered.

 

But you know what? This is YOUR life. You need to do what's right for YOU. You can have a million posters shouting how awful you are, how immoral, how (fill in the blank) - but at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to live your life.

 

So YOU decide what makes you happy.

[jwi71]

But you know what? This is YOUR life. You need to do what's right for YOU. You can have a million posters shouting how awful you are, how immoral, how (fill in the blank) - but at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to live your life.

 

So YOU decide what makes you happy.

 

Exactly.

 

Its your life SMO. And if you wish to continue living it as is, be my guest. Its water off my back.

 

However, I can't figure out WHAT or even WHY anything is bothering you if its going well. Seems a bit off to me.

 

So...what is bothering you with everything going so well?

 

And, if I may, what are the D-day plans? Just asking...

[Confused4Now]

I will say though,had I KNOWN who I had left my marriage for instead of what he SEEMED to be,I NEVER would have left.Ever.He built me up to destroy me.That's not love.And I am damn glad I got out of BOTH situations.

Okay I'm confused....Heart:love: you are one of my favorite posters...but you say you would have never left your marriage and then you say your glad you are out of both situations. I don't get it:confused:

 

So my situation was kinda like yours where my xMW built me up but when I made the decision to leave I also knew there was a outside chance she wouldn't follow. I didn't want to believe it but it was clear to me that I was stuck in a dead in marriage. So when I left my marriage in hopes to maybe have a opportunity to be with the love of my life it became very clear what I was in. yes it took 3 years from the time i left my W to end it with my AP. I just took longer to realize how much of a selfish liar she was.

 

I would never had stayed with my xW. I would rather live in a card board box homeless.

[LilyBart]

:mad:I pray to God that when he finds out, he plants that smug face of yours into a brick wall, and you you have the fortitude to at least accept those consequences; then again you probably don't have the fortitude or the courage for that. I'll bet you rat him out to the cops, because that is the kind of man you are.

 

"Violence can be justifiable, but it never will be legitimate. ~Hannah Arendt"

 

Physical violence is a CRIME punishable by the LAW. Physically injuring another is an act that can be prosecuted and carries a sentence. So if anything should happen to the OP, he has all the legal right to report it. Funny that you think this would mean OP is "ratting the BS out".

 

No matter which part of the triangle you may belong to (AP, WS, BS), no matter what the circumstance, it is never recommendable to resort to bodily harm (unless it's in self defense - but in this case we would be talking about the OP defending himself).

[SoMovinOn]

Come on...without you in the wings,she would never have the guts to leave him and you have to know that.She is being fully influenced by your EMR.

 

I know that is exactly how it felt to me.Had I not run into a MM who seemed to want to be with me,I never would have been brave enough to

end my own misery.Ironically,it was the WORST thing that ever happened to me.

 

She can NOT make rational choices with your blurring her reality!

 

Or... she made the decision to leave, and couldn't/wouldn't do it on her own, without someone to help her emotionally, financially.

 

Seems a fairly common thing for people to do on their way out. ... not saying it's right or wrong, just that it is.

[SoMovinOn]

AND with the BS being a nice guy & trying to be friends with the OM & help each other out etc. Wow yeah he's gonna be blind-sided poor guy.

 

:-(

 

Yes... the abusive BS who is very nice to me and trusts me and wants to be my friend. The one who wants me and everyone else to believe he has an awesome marriage to his beautiful trophy wife. Yeah... he's gonna be blind sided and feel betrayed. ... and you know what really sucks is that I truly will feel bad for him at that moment.

[OldOnTheInside]

One thing I have thought about is that recent divorcees tend to have a large quantity of emotional baggage to deal with. Not to mention that people in abusive relationships also have a lot of baggage. Essentially, you could end dealing with quite a mess with her.

 

^ If she is using you heavily as an emotional support because of this, it is only reasonable to accept the possibility that you will merely be a "rebound" relationship for her. Once all the fantasy of the affair is gone, and if the divorce does happen and she enters a full relationship with you, well, with all that dramatic change she could end up deciding that she doesn't wish to be with you at all.

 

It does happen quite frequently. Happened with my first girlfriend. Essentially, you end up being more of a therapist than a lover.

 

Love is a fickle and unpredictable b*tch no?

 

Actually, if the BS does find out, what the eff is your plan anyway? Run away?

[2sunny]

have you stopped to consider that her H could have hired a private investigator to follow you two while on your little daytime outing?

 

it happens... especially if he knows you two would be together for the whole day without him... a setup - to see if you two might "holds hands" and "steal a few kisses" throughout the day together...

 

what an easy setup.

[SoMovinOn]

You said it.......it's a support AND discussion board and really why would someone not expect backlash just as you'd get in real life if you discussed a situations such as this thread???

 

 

If a poster doesn't want backlash then there are "other" sites that are protected and they shouldn't put it out here, correct?

 

I expected backlash. I expected a verbal beating. I'm cool with it.

 

I don't need anyone to tell me this is a screwed up situation, it sucks, it will likely end badly. I've known all of that before we started. We had discussions about how if we were to get involved in an A with each other, it would lead to us justifiably questioning whether or not we could trust each other - having proven we would willfully involve ourselves in an A (remember, we're *both* married, even though I am on the way out), proven our willingness to lie and deceive.

 

I feel I am in a situation with no good workable answers. Us both getting single ASAP would be ideal, but it just isn't possible right now. ... and she and I just got to the point where we were no longer willing to live without us having a relationship - knowing full well doing so had some serious drawbacks and involved significant risk.

 

The "Things going well..." part of this is that she and I are getting to spend much more time together - Days together in Florida, including a rare whole day of just me and her, able to do whatever we wanted, go wherever, without looking over our shoulders - getting an entire Saturday together, with his knowledge, not having to hide that (but still not able to walk together holding hands or anything, because someone she knows might see us)...

 

Then there's the "But it bothers me" part... because... I have been struggling with all this from the very beginning - not wanting to have an A, but not wanting to live without her - not wanting to be friends with him, but running into them enough that we do end up spending time together, we have a lot in common (we're both in love with the same woman, for one), he likes me, trusts me ... and now, he's facilitating her and I spending time together, and Oh man is he going to hate himself when he looks back on that after he finds out... and yeah, that bugs the hell out of me.

 

What tangled webs we weave... because I can easily raise his suspicions by trying to avoid him or by NOT doing things I would normally do.

 

So yeah... discuss, rant, berate... whatever. It's not anything I don't run through my own head on a regular basis. If it were all so simple, so black and white, I'd not likely be here talking about it, right?

[SoMovinOn]

Are you really prepared for the repercussions? Do you understand what might happen to him when he finds out? And therefore what might happen to you? This is not a Parker Brother's board game you're playing here.....

 

Yeah. I am.

[SoMovinOn]

SoMovingOn I don't understand which part about your situation is going well. Is it that you are getting more time with her because her husband is accepting of what he perceives as your friendship with his wife?

 

Yes. That and her managing to run off to Florida with her sister.

 

If that is the case, then that is probably what is kind of bothering you. Since you aren't going to end the affair relationship, I suggest you end the friendship with her husband. It's a horrible thing to do to a friend. Does your best friend now acknowledge that what he did was horrible?

 

I've said from the beginning that I never want to be friends with her H, mostly because I know the double betrayal he will feel if he finds out (and, I fully expect he will). ... it is in trying to balance doing what I would normally do, to avoid making him suspicious (because avoiding them would do exactly that), with being "friendly" with him when we do end up together.

 

It only makes sense he and I would have a lot in common and get along - reasoning that she would choose similar guys.

 

It made sense that my STBXW would get involved with my best friend, because he and I are very much alike - that's why we get along so well and have been friends for 40 something years.

 

My friend acknowledges what he did was horrible, he greatly regrets it. He also owns up to it and makes no excuses. I called him when I found out, made him come over here, face me man to man and talk about it... and he was scared ****less, but he did it anyway. And we talked. ... and I can see now, sometimes when we are together, something comes up, something you don't realize is related or strikes a nerve... and I can feel the awkwardness, discomfort, regret... and it makes me feel like me hanging out with him is cruel in a way, so... sometimes I avoid him.

 

I know all the ways this is so screwed up, and I'd love to do anything to change it... but I won't walk away from her again, not ever. If she wants or needs me to stay away, fine, I'll be a ghost... but I'll make sure she can always find me any time she wants. I'll never be lost to her again.

[SoMovinOn]

That's what I thought too. Even the sister is in on the deceit! So, basically, she comes from a family of liars and cheats. And you want to be with her why?

 

If people we just that simple, that black and white.