Things are going well - and it kind of bothers me

[SoMovinOn]

SoMovinOn - you're already in the A, you love this woman and you've decided that you're not going to let her go now (after your mistake 30 years ago).

 

The situation is a little sticky with being a "friend" of the BH - so I understand how you can be happy with your MW and still feel bothered.

 

But you know what? This is YOUR life. You need to do what's right for YOU. You can have a million posters shouting how awful you are, how immoral, how (fill in the blank) - but at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to live your life.

 

So YOU decide what makes you happy.

 

Nice. ... and people posting negative things doesn't bother me. They are RIGHT (most of the time).

 

I am, overall happy. I have a STBXW that is either going downhill or staying the same (which is not good) mentally, who I cannot get rid of (because I won't put her out on the street). I get scattered moments with the woman I love because she is scared to death to leave her H. We are both somewhat stuck financially because we own houses we can't sell (or we'd take a big financial hit). ... oh yeah, and I was trusting enough to let my STBXW bury us financially otherwise... but, the money part, pfffft... it's just money - if you don't have enough, you just get more. I'd walk away from everything and start with zero if I could.

 

... but I am still a very happy man. I missed 30 years with this woman. I am not one to spend my time looking to the past. It doesn't matter what we had before. It's a foundation. It's something we started from, something we share... but we have something spectacular, amazing and awesome *right now*... and I'm not going to miss a minute of it - even if I only get it a minute at a time.

 

No idea where this will end up, or how it will end. ... but I know I have this moment, right now, and I intend to live it.

[SoMovinOn]

:mad:I pray to God that when he finds out, he plants that smug face of yours into a brick wall, and you you have the fortitude to at least accept those consequences; then again you probably don't have the fortitude or the courage for that. I'll bet you rat him out to the cops, because that is the kind of man you are.

 

 

Wow. Your insight and wisdom are amazing. I appreciate your input.

[woinlove]

SMO, sounds like you are thinking about things. From what you write, I have a difficult time believing you are living the life you want and being the person you want -- sounds like you are stuck in a rut of very low expectations about yourself and others. The contrast between how you describe your life and someone who is fully engaged in a drama-free life, loving and enjoying those around him, living authentically, is a pretty stark contrast.

[SoMovinOn]

"Violence can be justifiable, but it never will be legitimate. ~Hannah Arendt"

 

Physical violence is a CRIME punishable by the LAW. Physically injuring another is an act that can be prosecuted and carries a sentence. So if anything should happen to the OP, he has all the legal right to report it. Funny that you think this would mean OP is "ratting the BS out".

 

No matter which part of the triangle you may belong to (AP, WS, BS), no matter what the circumstance, it is never recommendable to resort to bodily harm (unless it's in self defense - but in this case we would be talking about the OP defending himself).

 

He wouldn't try to get physical with me. If anything he'd shoot me... and he know's he'd need to do that pretty quick as well, catch me at the right time.

 

I don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. ... and if he manages to figure out a way around that... then I get hurt, or I die.

 

I *do* worry about her... and all I can do is trust her judgement and her knowing him to know when/if she just needs to run away and hide (and we do have several plans for that).

 

The absolute best thing would be for her to leave him before he finds out. Every day we do this increases the risk that he *will* find out. She will leave when she is ready, and I will not do anything to push her to do that - other than to tell her exactly that, which I have.

[OldOnTheInside]

Is it physical, verbal abuse, or both?

 

Are there any women's shelters nearby? Or is that part of the escape route?

 

I'm amazed that she is thinking about romance when she has an abusive gun-wielding husband to worry about.

[daisy love]

Ppl stop getting your knickers in a twist! MOW isn't going anywhere. She's stringing SMO along jus like he did her before. She will eventually dump him like he did her 30 years ago. Can't ppl see that?

 

Geeze ppl. Settle down!

 

She prob wants her man to find out. Makes for good drama cuz 2 men want her!

Duh!

[LilyBart]

Nice. ... and people posting negative things doesn't bother me. They are RIGHT (most of the time).

 

I am, overall happy. I have a STBXW that is either going downhill or staying the same (which is not good) mentally, who I cannot get rid of (because I won't put her out on the street). I get scattered moments with the woman I love because she is scared to death to leave her H. We are both somewhat stuck financially because we own houses we can't sell (or we'd take a big financial hit). ... oh yeah, and I was trusting enough to let my STBXW bury us financially otherwise... but, the money part, pfffft... it's just money - if you don't have enough, you just get more. I'd walk away from everything and start with zero if I could.

 

I like your attitude, SMO.

 

... but I am still a very happy man. I missed 30 years with this woman. I am not one to spend my time looking to the past. It doesn't matter what we had before. It's a foundation. It's something we started from, something we share... but we have something spectacular, amazing and awesome *right now*... and I'm not going to miss a minute of it - even if I only get it a minute at a time.

 

No idea where this will end up, or how it will end. ... but I know I have this moment, right now, and I intend to live it.

 

I wish the two of you ALL the spectacular, amazing, awesome days that you can share with each other. And I hope someday it will be permanent - coming full circle from something that started 30 years ago.

[Heart On]

I was curious about how this all began so I went back and read.This is what I found and obviously,you chose to ignore your good judgement and conscience and now this is where you are?

 

Can you see how ignoring your common sense that you are acting on a love addiction more than anything healthy?

 

By coincidence or fate, an old love found me again, shortly after I decided to split with my wife. She's married, not entirely unhappily.

 

I won't have an affair with her.

 

She wouldn't either.

 

I wouldn't want her husband to go through what I've been through.

 

I wouldn't want her to earn that label.

 

... but we very much want to spend some time together.

 

 

Yes, we very much want to have an affair - to be together like we used to.

 

I was stupid to have left her when I did. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I was young, inexperienced... not too bright.

 

I say this with as little judgement as I can.

I don't see that you have grown up alot in the past 30 years.

You are still making irrational choices that put you in dangerous situations.

 

 

In spite of that, we are very much having an emotional affair. For as much as she is sure she wouldn't cheat on her husband, she already is. The right thing for me would be to walk away. If she gets caught sneaking around, he'll never believe nothing has ever happened. I've told her, if she wants to spend time with me, it's as easy (Ha!) as leaving him. She just has to make that choice.

 

She has her own issues. In many ways, not so different from my STBXW. I always seem to pick the crazies. A nice quiet, normal woman would bore me to tears after just a few weeks.

 

As you have written, you are SoMovingOn from one "crazy" woman to another one crazy situation to another?Sort of like an Adrenaline Junky?

Maybe the issue is that you have Rescue Compulsions to save women at your own expense.Maybe you could use some therapy so you choose healthier women to love.

 

Seems to me,the women in your life may not be the "crazy" ones.

 

 

He wouldn't try to get physical with me. If anything he'd shoot me... and he know's he'd need to do that pretty quick as well, catch me at the right time.I don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. ... and if he manages to figure out a way around that... then I get hurt, or I die.

 

How romantic.

 

 

I wish the two of you ALL the spectacular, amazing, awesome days that you can share with each other. And I hope someday it will be permanent - coming full circle from something that started 30 years ago.

 

And what? Be damned the risks and consequences?

 

I'm amazed that she is thinking about romance when she has an abusive gun-wielding husband to worry about.

 

Ditto.

[Mimolicious]

I gotta say.... *while hitting speeddial on "Snapped" producers* This is why jails and cemeteries will never ever be empty. :eek:

 

This is soooooooo not cool, bro!

 

Honestly, if her H decides to bust a cap on your & hers ass, it's kinda well deserved. This is how people make another person turn spycho. How humiliating the day her H's and your W find out. Enjoy it while it lasts because you guys will live a life full of misery after the jump... you watch!

[26pointblue]

It's a support and discussion board. Folk should be able to open and share their stories. Many don't because they know what backlash will ensue.

 

I still find the thread disturbing! That's just my opinion. Just like many people found MY thread disturbing & told me that when I first came here. It's not like anyone ever gets coddling & hand holding here, which I think is a good thing.

[Mimolicious]

Someday, when and if he finds out, he may eat the end of a gun with the deception of this situation.

 

Then you and your widowed OW can hop on the bike and ride into the sunset to the nearest hotel room.

 

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING HERE?

 

 

This is not funny AT ALL but my screen has Ginger Ale all over it now. Just the sunset and bike part... tsk, tsk, tsk. What a shame.

[Mimolicious]

Ppl stop getting your knickers in a twist! MOW isn't going anywhere. She's stringing SMO along jus like he did her before. She will eventually dump him like he did her 30 years ago. Can't ppl see that?

 

Geeze ppl. Settle down!

 

She prob wants her man to find out. Makes for good drama cuz 2 men want her!

Duh!

 

I'm glad to heard another particle of the story's side. Welcome DL! You'd been missed my friend...

[SoMovinOn]

SMO, sounds like you are thinking about things. From what you write, I have a difficult time believing you are living the life you want and being the person you want -- sounds like you are stuck in a rut of very low expectations about yourself and others. The contrast between how you describe your life and someone who is fully engaged in a drama-free life, loving and enjoying those around him, living authentically, is a pretty stark contrast.

 

Certainly not the life I want right now. ...but the A is not ALL of my life either.

[SoMovinOn]

Is it physical, verbal abuse, or both?

 

Emotional. Controlling. Manipulating.

 

I'm amazed that she is thinking about romance when she has an abusive gun-wielding husband to worry about.

 

I don't think she was thinking about romance. I think she was thinking about a way out. I think she was thinking she wanted someone to help and support her (emotionally, not financially). I think she was scared and didn't know where to turn.

[SoMovinOn]

Ppl stop getting your knickers in a twist! MOW isn't going anywhere. She's stringing SMO along jus like he did her before. She will eventually dump him like he did her 30 years ago. Can't ppl see that?

 

Geeze ppl. Settle down!

 

 

Yay! Revenge! Just like Hollywood! The evil teenager with a hard on gets another chick preggo because he's a stupid teenager with a hard on. The jilted lover buries her pain and plots her revenge, patiently waiting 30 years so he will not suspect her motives! It's brilliant!

 

She prob wants her man to find out. Makes for good drama cuz 2 men want her!

Duh!

 

Boy, you got that one figured out too. She has a storybook life. No shortage of men who jump next in line to take her H's place... but she needed to add me to the mix... as part of her 30 year revenge plan!

 

I know that often the simplest answer is the correct one, but I think you've confused that idea and are looking for a simpleton's answer.

[SoMovinOn]

Can you see how ignoring your common sense that you are acting on a love addiction more than anything healthy?

 

Love addiction? Healthy? ... You've done a good job of showing how my feelings, thoughts and perceptions have changed as this has progressed. I suppose the main thing going though my head is that I seriously screwed up with her 30 years ago. I have a rare second chance to change that.

 

There are better ways for this to happen, but, they take time. In the mean time, we *could* just kick back, do nothing, and wait for the "Right time" to get together. ... but, we're not getting any younger. People die every day, and one day I will be one of them - especially because of how I live my life (even if you remove the A and the possibility of getting shot by a jealous H).

 

I have, for a very long time, lived with the idea I have this moment, right now, and nothing else - no guarantee of tomorrow, or even the next hour.

 

I just feel I need to take the moments I have with her, now, while I have them.

 

Am I aware that may totally blow up in our faces? Am I aware that this may very well be the thing that ends my life, hers, both, denying us the possibility of a future together at the "Right time"? ... of course I am. Even as one lives for the moment, they must consider they may very well be there for future moments and the impact their choices in this moment may make.

 

But realistically... there is a chance he won't find out. It happens. There is a chance he'd find out and just leave. There is a chance he'd find out and get mad and yell a lot. ... most people lack the balls the actually pull the trigger.

 

 

I don't see that you have grown up alot in the past 30 years.

 

Should that be a goal?

 

 

As you have written, you are SoMovingOn from one "crazy" woman to another one crazy situation to another?Sort of like an Adrenaline Junky?

 

That is entirely possible. It's not just with women that I take risks. I ride motorcycles - and the joy I find there is in going fast, pushing limits, taking risks. My daily driver (car) tops out around 155 mph, and I spend a lot of my driving time (and I drive a lot - all day for my job), more towards that end of the speedometer. Whatever I am driving or riding, I view making it home and pulling back into the garage as a "Win".

 

Maybe it's just a drummer thing. I'm a drummer. To everyone else, my personality seems very different. ... but, if you know any drummers, chances are they are just like me.

 

 

Maybe the issue is that you have Rescue Compulsions to save women at your own expense.

 

I have considered that. I have considered that I may be insecure, so I need women who need me. People who know me laughed at that, because I have a HUGE ego. ... but I think I could be insecure AND have a huge ego at the same time.

 

 

Maybe you could use some therapy so you choose healthier women to love.

 

I doubt anyone would disagree with the idea that I could use some therapy, for a LOT of reasons.

 

 

Seems to me,the women in your life may not be the "crazy" ones.

 

Trust me. They are. Especially my STBXW. She's crazy and getting worse. Besides... if they get involved with *me*, wouldn't that automatically earn them the label?

 

 

How romantic.

 

Me getting shot, hurt or dying, romantic? I don't get that. My point was that I've been in situations where those options existed, and come out of them fine. One time, perhaps I won't.

 

 

 

And what? Be damned the risks and consequences?

 

Be damned the risks? Hell yeah! You're not living if you never take risks. The greater the risk, the greater the reward.

 

Consequences? I hope the consequence of this is that she and I both get divorced and end up together. As for him getting hurt... I think he played the key role in putting himself in this position. I don't like knowingly hurting anyone, but... I also have no problem with people suffering *their own* consequences. He had plenty of opportunity to change this.

[SoMovinOn]

Honestly, if her H decides to bust a cap on your & hers ass, it's kinda well deserved. This is how people make another person turn psycho.

 

Yeah. One of my rules for staying alive has always been "Never put a man in a position where he feels he has nothing left to lose" ... I am aware of the risk here.

 

 

How humiliating the day her H's and your W find out.

 

My W is my STBXW and only not my XW because she isn't in a position to get out on her own. She is fully aware that I am dating (and even knows who, and has met her). She is dating as well.

 

The only person out on this is her H. For now, he has no clue. ... and we try very hard to keep it that way.

 

 

Enjoy it while it lasts because you guys will live a life full of misery after the jump... you watch!

 

I don't live in Hollywood where the good guys always win and the bad guys always lose (eventually). ... and while having an A is a bad thing, I don't think that makes she and I bad guys overall.

[OldOnTheInside]

So you accept every single consequence as a possibility and are willing to face them all? That's more than most people will do.

 

One thing I brought up before: You get away cleanly, BS doesn't suspect a thing, everything goes your way as best it can...

 

Your mOW then realises that much of the affair fantasy has gone, she's out of an abusive relationship, everything you two have been planning works, she doesn't need you for emotional support anymore. Essentially, she is free on her own. So she decides she doesn't need you and leaves you alone. So you end up with nothing.

 

Would I have made the correct assumption that you have thought about this and accepted it?

[MissBee]

You might want to look for a new social circle if you think this is true.

 

My sister and her two sons are living with us because she wanted out of her unhappy M. She left for LESS than nothing. Without a pot to pizz in or a window to throw it out of. She did, however, leave with one thing.

 

She left with her DIGNITY INTACT.

 

Your statement above just shows how you and others are too willing to throw yours away.

 

My aunt did the very same thing years ago...and as I was telling another poster once, my aunt had a young child, she left a verrrry cushy life but unhappy marriage and forged her own way. She was NOT some super human neither did she have some other man in the wings. She left "something" that was a mess for "nothing" which lead her into finding herself, GROWING and eventually moving on and remarrying later.

 

Not everyone hops from relationship to relationship or has people lined up "in the wings" so they can float from one safety blanket to another. Some people can actually make a stand and stick by it without trying to make sure they are cushy and safe and can run back to shelter every step of the way. Which is what a lot of these As come down to...being so scared to venture out and make an actual choice. People want guarantees or want safety blankets, so hold on to the spouse and the outside person, giving neither up for fear of falling flat and having their security blanket ripped from beneath them.

[MissBee]

People leave something for nothing all the time. Nothing does not equal bad. Something does not equal good. Especially when you are leaving crap for vomit.

 

Indeeed! Very much so...

[SoMovinOn]

So you accept every single consequence as a possibility and are willing to face them all? That's more than most people will do.

 

I am. As a matter of fact, many years ago, I gave some advice along those lines to a friend. I liked it so much, I typed it out, printed it and framed it. It's still on the wall of my office. It says...

 

"You can do anything you want, as long as you are willing to accept any and all possible consequences, including those you cannot now fathom."

 

 

One thing I brought up before: You get away cleanly, BS doesn't suspect a thing, everything goes your way as best it can...

 

Your mOW then realises that much of the affair fantasy has gone, she's out of an abusive relationship, everything you two have been planning works, she doesn't need you for emotional support anymore. Essentially, she is free on her own. So she decides she doesn't need you and leaves you alone. So you end up with nothing.

 

Would I have made the correct assumption that you have thought about this and accepted it?

 

I have and I have. I am fine with being alone. I am fine with her being whomever she is, doing whatever she needs or wants to do.