Awkward dinner with AP and W

[OldOnTheInside]

Yes you read it right. In my view he "allowed" the situation to happen.

I do think that you are misinterpreting the meaning of this NID.

 

My general understanding of this situation is that mOM has essentially tipped the scales in his favour. In terms of the affair dynamic at least, he does have most of the cards in his hands. Cabin is still willingly waiting on him (not that she is some innocent victim, probably the polar opposite), and his wife is ignorant of the affair. So yes, he has "allowed" this to happen on some level. Whether OP is willing to acknowledge this or not is another matter.

 

Point is, whether or not mOM realises this on a conscious or subconscious level, he is essentially commiting a manipulative and malicious act by robbing his wife of her ability to fully understand the position that her husband has placed her in (control is a big part of deception no?). Whether or not you believe this action to be justified due to the wife's "meanness" or "incompatibility" is irrelavent, it doesn't change the tangible evidence showing that he has brought his wife deeper into the fold either way.

 

In fact, the question must be raised as to why he purposely felt the need to place Cabin in the awkward situation too. He likes the level of control? To show Cabin who she is "beating" to get the prize? So that the forbidden couple can enjoy all that oxytocin, vasopressin, and endorphins ect.? Maybe all of the above?

 

That is not to say that he is purposely being malicious to all the parties involved. But there is still an undeniable passive-aggressive streak to all of it.

 

I don't doubt that both you and mOM are enjoying this on quite a few psychological levels. I'll be curious to see the end result of your relationship when all the excitement and fuss dies down, and the two of you are shown the more stable and less "burning" form of love prevalent among the majority of long-term couples.

[seren]

When H and I went to his work functions or even just for a drink with his workmates, I would stay sober to drive and to make sure one of us was coherent enough to look after our son when we got home. I found some of his workmates boring, I also found a lot of their conversation about work boring, they were not people I would call my friends, but as they were H's, I made an effort, but had little, other than smalltalk to add to their conversations. When you are the sober person amongst others who have had a few drinks, it can be dammed boring. My H is a quiet person, he prefers to people watch, I am the one known for conversation and having a laugh (although H is pretty funny too). To anyone not knwing 'us' they might think I was quiet when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

In my circle of friends, we prefer to take in a meal and have conversations and discussions over wine, H's are more beer and dancing types. In my world I am the extrovert, in H's he shines. It is how most relationships are, it's all about balance. I know very few relationships where both are extrovert, in fact I think I would find it bloody annoying. I am H's safe and quiet place and he mine, in fact very often the best part of an evening is when we get home, kick off the shoes and talk about the night and the people over a coffee before bed.

 

Had H ever knowingly introduced me to the OW I would have thought him even more disrespectful to me than I thought because of the A. That is game playing and were I the OW, I would have been very, very uncomfortable. I don't understand how anyone could do that. it is one thing to have an A with a stranger, something else to do so with someone known to both. I know it isn't rational, just my two pennyworth.

[MissBee]

When H and I went to his work functions or even just for a drink with his workmates, I would stay sober to drive and to make sure one of us was coherent enough to look after our son when we got home. I found some of his workmates boring, I also found a lot of their conversation about work boring, they were not people I would call my friends, but as they were H's, I made an effort, but had little, other than smalltalk to add to their conversations. When you are the sober person amongst others who have had a few drinks, it can be dammed boring. My H is a quiet person, he prefers to people watch, I am the one known for conversation and having a laugh (although H is pretty funny too). To anyone not knwing 'us' they might think I was quiet when nothing could be further from the truth.

 

In my circle of friends, we prefer to take in a meal and have conversations and discussions over wine, H's are more beer and dancing types. In my world I am the extrovert, in H's he shines. It is how most relationships are, it's all about balance. I know very few relationships where both are extrovert, in fact I think I would find it bloody annoying. I am H's safe and quiet place and he mine, in fact very often the best part of an evening is when we get home, kick off the shoes and talk about the night and the people over a coffee before bed.

 

Had H ever knowingly introduced me to the OW I would have thought him even more disrespectful to me than I thought because of the A. That is game playing and were I the OW, I would have been very, very uncomfortable. I don't understand how anyone could do that. it is one thing to have an A with a stranger, something else to do so with someone known to both. I know it isn't rational, just my two pennyworth.

 

I'm saying!!!

[jwi71]

Round and round we go....all this going and no real movement...sigh.

 

So Cabin, back again. Nothing has really changed.

 

My questions to you still stand:

 

Why aren't YOU D yet?

Why isn't HE D yet?

Who files for D first?

What if one files and the other doesn't?

 

Like others have said...more talk, no walk. If you each are done with your respective M's...end them already. Why do you continue an A when you can have him all to yourself?

 

I just don't get it. STOP talking about D and actually get one...you two are beginning to sound like those tough sounding frat boys about skydiving, who, when standing on the threshold, back down.

 

All talk, no walk.

 

Its NOT that hard. Hire a lawyer, file D papers. People do it everyday.

And their children survive.

And their finances straighten themselves out.

And they move on.

 

I can't figure why you two don't act.

[MissBee]

Round and round we go....all this going and no real movement...sigh.

 

So Cabin, back again. Nothing has really changed.

 

My questions to you still stand:

 

Why aren't YOU D yet?

Why isn't HE D yet?

Who files for D first?

What if one files and the other doesn't?

 

Like others have said...more talk, no walk. If you each are done with your respective M's...end them already. Why do you continue an A when you can have him all to yourself?

 

I just don't get it. STOP talking about D and actually get one...you two are beginning to sound like those tough sounding frat boys about skydiving, who, when standing on the threshold, back down.

 

All talk, no walk.

 

Its NOT that hard. Hire a lawyer, file D papers. People do it everyday.

And their children survive.

And their finances straighten themselves out.

And they move on.

 

I can't figure why you two don't act.

 

Precisely. I've said before, I don't doubt getting a divorce is a difficult emotional decision governed by fear and a sense of duty; however, although difficult, it is a choice, like any other difficult one, that adults make for themselves everyday and are better for it.

 

Many people get divorced when they're in an unhappy marriage and I am almost sure NONE of them, after it is over and they heal are thinking in a serious way: "Man...should've stayed in that unhappy marriage for the finances and kids". I'm sure they didn't think it would turn out that way, but they move on and live their life and love again, and things, although not easy, work out.

 

So to me sitting around twiddling thumbs for YEARS unending is inexcusable as no human is a super human, we all go through shyt, divorce is not even the biggest shyt you can go through, try the death of a child or having to pull the plug on your child's life support or something like that! But people do it everyday, and they are NORMAL people, who just had to do what they needed to do. So you can too if you so choose. It's not an easy cake-walk but learning to see things for what they are, weighing them and sucking it up is a skill we need to cultivate. I am by no means the best at that, but I learn to atleast admit when I am avoiding doing things versus going on and on about how I can't...I'd rather own my fear and then try to work through it, as once I actually admit to being scared, I can tackle the beast better than sitting around finding 100 excuses that are illegitimate as to why "I can't" do something I need to do.

Edited June 20, 2011 by MissBee

[BB07]

Anyone else notice that Cabin never responds to something she doesn't want to hear, I think she has some of us on ignore.

[2sunny]

everyone on ignore? then why post?

 

i am having a hard time understanding how any woman can be this mean - to go to a diner party with intent to spy on his W for the whole evening... watching her every move, listening to what she does or doesn't say. he IS married to her! he must have loved many things about her enough to marry her and stay a while. whether or not you find her fascinating is beside the point. the way you participated in the evening is very creepy to me.

 

besides... what you will never see (them alone, together) is what he will never tell you... because usually it's that "alone time" that is guarded and special with most married couples... it's what makes two people "a couple in their safe place"

 

 

 

i am a different woman alone than socially. most people are. when alone - who i am with gets my undivided attention that shows the beauty of me.

 

socially - it's never the same... i AM social - but one on one is much more personal and intimate... besides - i don't want that "special and intimate" with everyone...

[alexandria35]

Keep in mind that there are many people who don't WANT a partner to be their type.

 

People who are extroverts very often like having introverts as partners; there is no one to share the spotlight with, there is no one to take away from your being able to lead the anecdotes, there is someone who is there in the background as support for you but doesn't take away from the attention that the extrovert requires.

 

People tend to look for foils, not for another potato stamping of their own self.

 

This is so true! I am an introvert and my best relationships have always been with extroverts. This goes for friendships as well as romance. Introverts and extroverts can be beautifully complimentary to each other. Many extroverts, especially the males, don't like anyone stealing their thunder. I have no problem letting my friends and partners have the lime light because I hate being the center of attention. OP you speak like the wife is some kind of loser because she's not interested in drinking and partying. Big deal. She may have many wonderful qualities that her husband fell for at one time. As an introvert I have many wonderful qualities. I am a loyal consistant friend. I am a good listener. I am dependable. I am thoughtful and I'm actually a good conversationalist just not all the time or in large groups. I love getting and giving affection. I don't care much for drinking and I'm not the life of the party. If I was married I would be deeply disappointed if my husband decided to dump me because I wasn't a party girl. He would be the loser in that case.

[Damia]

Oh I can not believe you think this will end well !

I have been on exactly the otherside of your story .I have watched My now xH with his suspected AP at a family gathering.She was the wife of his best (35yrs)friend and my friend

you have no idea the ripples it caused.my marriage,friendships,extended family relationships,the childrens friendships ,my daughters schooling and friends picked sides, it was so ugly.Is still ugly even though xH is now with someone else !

I hope his wife leaves him and you end up with someone you think you no but really don't.Trust me you only think you know what goes on in their marriage.

There will never be happy families with you all being friends be prepared for fallout of epic proportions when the whole sordid truth comes out.

I feel very sad for you all:sick:

[Loni]

Oh I can not believe you think this will end well !

I have been on exactly the otherside of your story .I have watched My now xH with his suspected AP at a family gathering.She was the wife of his best (35yrs)friend and my friend

you have no idea the ripples it caused.my marriage,friendships,extended family relationships,the childrens friendships ,my daughters schooling and friends picked sides, it was so ugly.Is still ugly even though xH is now with someone else !

I hope his wife leaves him and you end up with someone you think you no but really don't.Trust me you only think you know what goes on in their marriage.

There will never be happy families with you all being friends be prepared for fallout of epic proportions when the whole sordid truth comes out.

I feel very sad for you all:sick:

 

 

Have you considered that because your MM knew you were there he was short with his wife both prior and during the event leaving her feeling all WTF pissed in his beer tonight?

[Loni]

Have you considered that because your MM knew you were there he was short with his wife both prior and during the event leaving her feeling all WTF pissed in his beer tonight? They could have gotten in the car on the drive home with her going "Why were you such a dick tonight?"

[xxoo]

This is so true! I am an introvert and my best relationships have always been with extroverts. This goes for friendships as well as romance. Introverts and extroverts can be beautifully complimentary to each other. Many extroverts, especially the males, don't like anyone stealing their thunder. I have no problem letting my friends and partners have the lime light because I hate being the center of attention. OP you speak like the wife is some kind of loser because she's not interested in drinking and partying. Big deal. She may have many wonderful qualities that her husband fell for at one time. As an introvert I have many wonderful qualities. I am a loyal consistant friend. I am a good listener. I am dependable. I am thoughtful and I'm actually a good conversationalist just not all the time or in large groups. I love getting and giving affection. I don't care much for drinking and I'm not the life of the party. If I was married I would be deeply disappointed if my husband decided to dump me because I wasn't a party girl. He would be the loser in that case.

 

It is kind of mind-bending that the wife is being criticized for not enjoying drinking and partying. Or for making jabs at the H....who has brought her to the same dinner party as his girlfriend (how dare she make a negative comment about him! )

 

Cabin, really think about it....what qualities do you think a man would desire in a wife/mother? What qualities might he enjoy in a girlfriend, on the other hand?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Being a partner to the life of the party is never a fun thing. Attention seeking behaviors from someone who must always usurp all of the attention is exhausting. I'm sure what you point out as sarcastic jabs was her merely trying to insert a little reality into his charades.

 

Keep your place as the ow, you don't want to be married to this guy!

 

If this was a couples party then how could he not invite his wife? Do you think he's spending today considering how you and your H interacted?

[xxoo]

If this was a couples party then how could he not invite his wife?

 

He could have had the decency to fake explosive diarrhea and stay home.

 

Come to think of it, what kind of person goes to a dinner party with his wife AND his OW, and is relaxed enough to be the life of the party? Does he have no concience at all? Sounds like he got a thrill out of the situation

[Spark1111]

So last night I attended a small dinner party (8 people) and my AP and W were there. In the days leading up to it, I was nervous, but there was no real excuse to get out of it.

 

We are all in the same profession, and the hostess is a mutual friend (obviously) who knows that there is chemistry between us, though she doesn't know that we're in a relationship.

 

It was very interesting to observe the interactions between him and his W. She is very reserved/introverted and she doesn't drink. She spent most of the evening sitting quietly, looking downright bored to tears by the end of the evening. My AP is the LIFE of the party. It is such a weird mix.

 

Normally she would not join him at dinner parties like that, or if she did, she'd leave right after dinner. They've been living like that for nearly 10 years. He "behaves" while she is there for a meal, then has fun when she leaves. How unsatisfying!

 

Anyway, ever since he told her he wants to end their relationship, she's been trying harder to make him happy and do the things he wants to do. Hence, she stayed at the party all evening. They didn't speak to one another almost at all.

 

When she did speak, it was to share sarcastic jabs about him with the group.

 

I know I'm not going to be very objective on this one -- biased by my love for him -- but they are not well matched.

 

He and I are very similar in that we both like social gatherings, we are both extroverts, we both like to be active in conversations, we're both very animated and we both like to drink socially!

 

I know he is not going to leave his M unless they come to some amicable understanding about shared custody and not putting the kids through a tug game... but after what I saw last night, I don't see how he can possibly stay.

 

Anyway, just thought i'd share.

 

I personally find it ludicrous that you think you can judge or compare or perceive anything in their marriage when both you and he are the APs, and she remains unaware of the relationship.

 

A hugely unfair and disrespectful advantage, don'tcha think?

 

My H's FOW also took to showing up at certain events, and when she did, when I was still clueless to their relationship, he went OUT OF HIS WAY to avoid me, ignore me, minimize me so, OF COURSE she would believe we had the loveless marriage he had portrayed to her!

 

Frequently, as we were leaving the house, he would pick on me, criticize me, pick an unfair argument with me to ENSURE I would be upset, angry, insecure when we arrived to the destination she would be at.

 

HE had set up the scenario he wanted her to see. He was gaslighting me! I could not say, do, or be anything to please him.

 

OF COURSE, under those circumstances, I, too, could have lobbed a sarcastic comment in his direction. I'd been tortured before we had arrived.

 

Do you truly believe your spouses will not put it together after the divorce? You are deluding yourself, as she will pick apart HIS behavior at every event you were in attendance.....and she will KNOW that YOU were the reason for his behavior.

 

So will your spouse. So will your children.

[TigerCub]

everyone on ignore? then why post?

 

i am having a hard time understanding how any woman can be this mean - to go to a diner party with intent to spy on his W for the whole evening... watching her every move, listening to what she does or doesn't say.

Maybe I'm wrong to admit this - but I can honestly see why she would go and see the interaction.

During my brief stint as the OW - I wondered why xMM was with his long time gf (aside from the kids) - I wondered what it was about HER that made it so that she "had" him, I wondered what they were really like together (not the crap that he tried to feed me about their R) - so I can see the fascination/curiosity with wanting to see what they're like together.

 

It may be cruel to go to a party (when the W has no idea that her H's mistress is there) - yeah, but I can see what maybe drove Cabin to want to go and watch.

 

besides... what you will never see (them alone, together) is what he will never tell you... because usually it's that "alone time" that is guarded and special with most married couples... it's what makes two people "a couple in their safe place"

That is very true

and that's the big flaw in the "dinner observation plan" because people aren't the same when they are out socializing with friends as when they are having alone time together at home.

 

Some people tone down the affection, because making out on the dinner table wouldn't look so appropriate

and some people put on a smile and fake happiness if they are pissed at each other - because they don't want to air out their laundry to everyone.

 

 

Now to Cabin:

I agree with those that said different qualities compliment each other.

My bf is an introvert, I'm an extrovert. It works

I'm impatient and a firecracker, he's cool as cucumber and very patient - THAT works so well, because another me, and we'd just be pissing each other off ALL The Time!

 

my bf and I are very sarcastic, we tease each other ALL the time, so the "jabs" thing could very well be just honest fun, and he knows its not meant in a mean way.

 

The point is, you can see what you want to see from the dinner party, but in all honesty, who cares, who did her go home with when the party was over?

 

That's who he is choosing to go home with!!

 

he can give you the big sob story of blah blah 10 years, blah blah no sex, blah blah so sad - but if he really wanted out, he would be.

 

he has you, why isn't he getting out?

 

you can D, he can D, you'd be together, so why is he stalling?

Edited June 20, 2011 by TigerCub

[bentnotbroken]

He could have had the decency to fake explosive diarrhea and stay home.

 

Come to think of it, what kind of person goes to a dinner party with his wife AND his OW, and is relaxed enough to be the life of the party? Does he have no concience at all? Sounds like he got a thrill out of the situation

 

 

 

:lmao::lmao:Maybe the wife will find out and make sure he has explosive diarrhea. Ever watched the movie Bringing Down the House where the woman puts diarrhea medicine in the food. :lmao: Somethings would be worth being a fly on the wall.

[SoleMate]

This is about the 500th post I've read where the OW makes, IMO, grossly biassed judgments about the W, and how defective she is - socially, emotionally, and in many other ways. Yet the OW has very little accurate data (other than the words of her proved liar/lover, the MM) and typically overinterprets or misinterprets everything she has.

 

Example: W is "reserved/introverted", and sarcastic towards her H. Hence she is the problem in the marriage and you (OP) are the solution because you're a charming extrovert like MM. To me, like most others above, a much likelier explanation for the W's lack of gaiety is either the suspicion her H is having an affair, or the side effects of all the negativity the MM/AP has been hurling at the W. Of course, we don't know with certainty that the H needles and berates and ignores the W in private....we're just speculating, because that is such a common pattern in affairs. (The MM would never admit this to OW, and in fact he may be so out of touch with reality he can't even perceive it himself.)

 

If the OP and MM are such a great pair, they should just divorce the people they're deceiving and be together. (Why not?) Then maybe OW can understand things from the perspective of a (B)W.

 

BTW, for those who are interested, I am not now and have never been an OW or a BS (AFAIK).

[26pointblue]

Come to think of it, what kind of person goes to a dinner party with his wife AND his OW, and is relaxed enough to be the life of the party? Does he have no concience at all? Sounds like he got a thrill out of the situation

 

This sounds a lot like my xMM. This has happened to me [i knew his wife before we got involved in an affair]. It was like he enjoyed putting us both together & yes he was always the life of the party.

 

Awhile ago, I was thinking back to something that had happened one time after we had broken up but were starting to get back together. He was at a wedding with his wife & she got ahold of his phone [or he showed it to her . . . not sure now] & saw our texts & started texting me mean texts from his phone. At the time, sadly, I felt bad for her because I felt like aww she has no idea we are back on again & she thinks we are done & that she has 'won' him. I felt superior. But now looking back I see that hello, I was not superior . . . he was at a wedding with her, letting her text me from his phone! At one point he texted me 'sorry, [bS] has my phone!!!!!' but then she kept texting me from it. He said it was her & his sister. I asked him later why he didn't take the phone back- wasn't he scared I would tell her more than she knew & he'd be in trouble?- & he said he didn't want to make her mad & he knew/hoped I wouldn't say anything bad. Looking back I realize he had me right where he wanted me - the subserviant OW who would never rat him out & play along with his games, & I think he got a kick out of seeing what we wrote to each other. She was writing me some very mean things & I understood it & tried to be civil in my responses but of course they hurt . . . & looking back I felt hurt that he let her send me mean things while all the while telling me he loved me & wanted to be with me, not her. I see now that if he truly loved either of us he wouldn't have put us in that position. And if I were a stronger, better person back then, I never would have allowed myself to be put in that position!

 

Cabin I fear you are in great denial & fail to see that your MM is a jerk & is never going to leave his wife. All the while you are rolling in the mud with him. This won't end well, it happened to me . . . deservedly so.

[26pointblue]

It is kind of mind-bending that the wife is being criticized for not enjoying drinking and partying. Or for making jabs at the H....who has brought her to the same dinner party as his girlfriend (how dare she make a negative comment about him! )

 

Cabin, really think about it....what qualities do you think a man would desire in a wife/mother? What qualities might he enjoy in a girlfriend, on the other hand?

 

This is so true! Rarely do MMs leave their wives for their mistresses, but I think even less frequently do they leave a good moral wife for a party girl mistress! My xMM liked to escape responsbility with me & play the part of a young, unattached frat boy, but he liked having wifey at home to tend to the house & kids. No way was he going to give up that security. Sure, he liked the best of both worlds . . . party girl girlfriend & affair full of drama & excitement, responsible & steady wife & marriage full of stability & comfort . . . but when push came to shove he sure did stay with his 'boring', 'naggy', 'killjoy' etc. wife! They almost always do & think about it . . . how would the affair relationship really turn out/last if it were to become a real relationship? It was built on unrealistic, escapist excitement, built on an illusion. Two people cannot be that unresponsible all the time & built a solid relationship. Those two people (me & xMM, Cabin & her MM from what I read of her posts) are just looking for a way out of their current lives but have no idea how to really make a real relationship with each other last!

[Mimolicious]

So last night I attended a small dinner party (8 people) and my AP and W were there. In the days leading up to it, I was nervous, but there was no real excuse to get out of it.

 

We are all in the same profession, and the hostess is a mutual friend (obviously) who knows that there is chemistry between us, though she doesn't know that we're in a relationship.

 

It was very interesting to observe the interactions between him and his W. She is very reserved/introverted and she doesn't drink. She spent most of the evening sitting quietly, looking downright bored to tears by the end of the evening. My AP is the LIFE of the party. It is such a weird mix.

 

Normally she would not join him at dinner parties like that, or if she did, she'd leave right after dinner. They've been living like that for nearly 10 years. He "behaves" while she is there for a meal, then has fun when she leaves. How unsatisfying!

 

Anyway, ever since he told her he wants to end their relationship, she's been trying harder to make him happy and do the things he wants to do. Hence, she stayed at the party all evening. They didn't speak to one another almost at all.

 

When she did speak, it was to share sarcastic jabs about him with the group.

 

I know I'm not going to be very objective on this one -- biased by my love for him -- but they are not well matched.

 

He and I are very similar in that we both like social gatherings, we are both extroverts, we both like to be active in conversations, we're both very animated and we both like to drink socially!

 

I know he is not going to leave his M unless they come to some amicable understanding about shared custody and not putting the kids through a tug game... but after what I saw last night, I don't see how he can possibly stay.

 

Anyway, just thought i'd share.

 

What amazes me is the characteristics that you pick out of compartibility... Really, life is about being the "life of the party", social gatherings and conversing? Ok... is that what is essential in a "life partner"? What about if that is all he is? "Life of the party". I knew one of those, he wanted to be in too many parties though. Missed out on fatherhood, prosperity and living well. tsk, tsk, tsk...

 

Sorry, but to sit there and break bread all together says a lot about you and your MM. Does sound like you guys belong together. Always remember, life can be like a boomerang sometimes.

[Mimolicious]

I wonder if he really told her he wanted out...

 

I wonder how you sit at a dinner with a man and his wife and not feel like you want to vomit and not bother with the whole thing...

 

I wonder if people realize relationships are about complement, which doesn't mean you need to be the same temperament and like the same things as the person.

 

Anyway, real, sustaining, healthy relationships take enough work as is, much less adding the factor of a man with a wife and kids and life outside of our "relationship". I'd rather not stack the odds against me from jump...but hey that's just me.

 

As to the original post...I guess you were just sharing your thoughts, so there's not much to be said. Except the things I did say are what immediately came to my mind.

 

The bolded- That would be pretty boring, actually! Opposite attracts!

[Mimolicious]

Yes -- our families have interacted and we do have several instances of overlap between our family and social lives -- that was true before he and I ever developed feelings for one another.

 

This isn't the first time I've been in social situations with his W, or he with my H. Last night's dinner was just a first "adults only" affair (pun intended!) where the kids weren't there to create distraction.

 

It's tricky, all right.

 

We are hoping to create distance and time after our divorces to be on our own before coming out. He is starting to wonder if he needs to just level with her about me and what has happened.

 

We need to have good relationships with our spouses because we will be raising children with them for many more years. We'd like to be able to continue to interact all of us together... it might seem idealist, I realize.

 

I know this situation ain't pretty - and I know there are many people who are probably infuriated when they read stories like mine.

 

The 1st bolded- Oh doesn't that sound perfect. Sorry, to tell you babes but it would be far from magical... If I didn't know any better, I would say you guys will get exactly what your MM is thinking he will avoid by just one day "coming out" together. Good luck with that! You guys are doing far more damage than good with this attitude.

 

The second bolded- Delusional. Again. Good luck with that!

 

Reading this make any of us "Infuriated"? Me- Nah. You should be the one to feel this way by being in this situation and sitting there in front of MM & his W.

[Mimolicious]

I personally find it ludicrous that you think you can judge or compare or perceive anything in their marriage when both you and he are the APs, and she remains unaware of the relationship.

 

A hugely unfair and disrespectful advantage, don'tcha think?

 

My H's FOW also took to showing up at certain events, and when she did, when I was still clueless to their relationship, he went OUT OF HIS WAY to avoid me, ignore me, minimize me so, OF COURSE she would believe we had the loveless marriage he had portrayed to her!

 

Frequently, as we were leaving the house, he would pick on me, criticize me, pick an unfair argument with me to ENSURE I would be upset, angry, insecure when we arrived to the destination she would be at.

 

HE had set up the scenario he wanted her to see. He was gaslighting me! I could not say, do, or be anything to please him.

 

OF COURSE, under those circumstances, I, too, could have lobbed a sarcastic comment in his direction. I'd been tortured before we had arrived.

 

Do you truly believe your spouses will not put it together after the divorce? You are deluding yourself, as she will pick apart HIS behavior at every event you were in attendance.....and she will KNOW that YOU were the reason for his behavior.

 

So will your spouse. So will your children.

 

 

Spark... WHOA! I gotta say, you just placed me in my bedroom about 6yrs ago. Reading that ^^^^^^ hit a nerve! :eek: I never thought of this. Oh well, what does it matter now. I STILL LOOK AMAZEBALLS HOT TAMALE!

[phillyfan]

So last night I attended a small dinner party (8 people) and my AP and W were there. In the days leading up to it, I was nervous, but there was no real excuse to get out of it.

 

We are all in the same profession, and the hostess is a mutual friend (obviously) who knows that there is chemistry between us, though she doesn't know that we're in a relationship.

 

It was very interesting to observe the interactions between him and his W. She is very reserved/introverted and she doesn't drink. She spent most of the evening sitting quietly, looking downright bored to tears by the end of the evening. My AP is the LIFE of the party. It is such a weird mix.

 

Normally she would not join him at dinner parties like that, or if she did, she'd leave right after dinner. They've been living like that for nearly 10 years. He "behaves" while she is there for a meal, then has fun when she leaves. How unsatisfying!

 

Anyway, ever since he told her he wants to end their relationship, she's been trying harder to make him happy and do the things he wants to do. Hence, she stayed at the party all evening. They didn't speak to one another almost at all.

 

When she did speak, it was to share sarcastic jabs about him with the group.

 

I know I'm not going to be very objective on this one -- biased by my love for him -- but they are not well matched.

 

He and I are very similar in that we both like social gatherings, we are both extroverts, we both like to be active in conversations, we're both very animated and we both like to drink socially!

 

I know he is not going to leave his M unless they come to some amicable understanding about shared custody and not putting the kids through a tug game... but after what I saw last night, I don't see how he can possibly stay.

 

Anyway, just thought i'd share.

 

Dude serously theyve been married a decade, theyre goin thru a ruff patch, nothin more. Hes stil married 2 her, he aint leavin, else they wudnt be there at a dinner party togetha.

 

But more important, WTF, The best the dude can do to be in public wit u, is to make u sit thru a dinner party watchin him sit nxt 2 his wife, n makin his wife sit there wen he knows his mistress is on the same table, well that must be torture for u, n she is bein treated like a fool, n u think SHE is the bad one?! Dude the guy aint no prize if he treets ppl like that.