Need with coping with a terrible breakup with my...

[Popolon]

I've been following this forum since I've started my relationship with my xMM. I have finally decided to join now and vent and of course to seek advise. Here's my story, sorry if it's a bit long or boring.

 

We started our relationship about 9 months ago. We met through a common friend who is also very close to both of us. Even before us meeting, I've heard of my friend talked about him and his family. So I knew from the gecko that he is married with kids. The first night we met were at a bar and we hit it off with great conversations and finally a taxi ride home together and we hugged at the end of the night and exchanged phone numbers. The next day immediately he started contacting me with sms and phone calls. Couple days later, we met up and went clubbing with my friends and both got drunk and I guess you all can guess the story after that.

 

(Back up a bit, forgot to mention our background. I am a 32 years old ABC (American Born Chinese) but I do speak fluent Chinese and I now live in Hong Kong for work. I am a working professional with a Master degree. My xMM is a local Chinese guy that don't speak a word of English, Junior high drop out, and he's also a gangster that does illegal business. (not to mention unsuccessful too) Married for 10 years with 2 kids.)

 

I very much regret for what happened that night since I am raised by a very traditional Chinese family. So I thought it was a one night stand and that's it. But he called me once he got up and came over to my house and see me again. After that day, he has started to call me his girlfriend and we started seeing each other everyday. We were very madly in love in a short period of time. Due to his line of work, he can wake up anytime he wants. But after we got together, he'll make sure he gets up around the same time I do, so he can leave his house and call me when I travel to work. We would talk in the morning, lunch time, during my work breaks and of course when I get off work he will come pick me up. For the past 9 months, we've been like that. Practically, he will work his schedule around my schedule. When I hanged out with my friends, he will come to pick me up after my functions and take me home. Sometimes, when I don't have time to see him, he will just drive to my office and ask me to come out so he can see me for a bit. About 3 months into the relationship, we were already very attached and close to each other. That being said, I was fully aware of his financial situation. He was doing very poor. But we decided to get a place of our own, because I used to live with my brother. We searched for a place and rented it, of course with my money. Months after months he wasn't able to help with rent. Not only that, his "business" has gone so bad that I lent him money. For the past 9 months that we were together, I have provided food, shelter, clothes, daily necessities and gifts for him. But he wasn't even able to afford a regular meal in a regular restaurant. So mostly to help him with his self-esteem, I had to work full time and cook for us after work. (pretty pathetic) All these time that we were together, the only gift that he got me was a stuff animal that is worth around $30.

After a while, he started saying that he wants to marry me and will divorce his wife. (I'm sure you all know the drill.) But of course, I never believed it. Eventually with his continuous repeating this, I started to fall for it.

 

Our first argument came about him not leaving his wife. His excuse from the beginning to end is that he can't leave his children. So throughout the next couple of months, we fought all the time. Him being a very traditional Chinese man, "face" is very important to him. I started to attack him on that and I knew he hated it. The truth of the mater is, I can't be a submissive girlfriend when I'm the bread winner of this relationship. So finally one time we got into a really huge fight and he broke up with me. I was broken. I couldn't believe that he broke up with me because he said he couldn't stand being yelled at by women. He's never gotten yelled at by women before so to speak. Me, growing up in the States have always believed in sexual equality but he's the exact opposite. After that fight we got back together and the same thing happened for couple more times. Until this time, it's real. I know that we will never be back together again. But I just feel so hurt by him. I must be the stupidest OW ever. Not only did I fork out my time, my love and my money for this kind of guy. To make things worse, he also gave me herpes.

 

I am in despair, I feel so lonely and helpless. Please help me move on and re-establish myself. Currently he is on a repayment plan to pay me back the money he owes me. The only reason that we are still in contact is to ensure I get my money back. But deep down, I know I still love him. I'm just really hurt by the fact that he dumped me for such ridiculous reason.

[MissBee]

I've been following this forum since I've started my relationship with my xMM. I have finally decided to join now and vent and of course to seek advise. Here's my story, sorry if it's a bit long or boring.

 

We started our relationship about 9 months ago. We met through a common friend who is also very close to both of us. Even before us meeting, I've heard of my friend talked about him and his family. So I knew from the gecko that he is married with kids. The first night we met were at a bar and we hit it off with great conversations and finally a taxi ride home together and we hugged at the end of the night and exchanged phone numbers. The next day immediately he started contacting me with sms and phone calls. Couple days later, we met up and went clubbing with my friends and both got drunk and I guess you all can guess the story after that.

 

(Back up a bit, forgot to mention our background. I am a 32 years old ABC (American Born Chinese) but I do speak fluent Chinese and I now live in Hong Kong for work. I am a working professional with a Master degree. My xMM is a local Chinese guy that don't speak a word of English, Junior high drop out, and he's also a gangster that does illegal business. (not to mention unsuccessful too) Married for 10 years with 2 kids.)

 

I very much regret for what happened that night since I am raised by a very traditional Chinese family. So I thought it was a one night stand and that's it. But he called me once he got up and came over to my house and see me again. After that day, he has started to call me his girlfriend and we started seeing each other everyday. We were very madly in love in a short period of time. Due to his line of work, he can wake up anytime he wants. But after we got together, he'll make sure he gets up around the same time I do, so he can leave his house and call me when I travel to work. We would talk in the morning, lunch time, during my work breaks and of course when I get off work he will come pick me up. For the past 9 months, we've been like that. Practically, he will work his schedule around my schedule. When I hanged out with my friends, he will come to pick me up after my functions and take me home. Sometimes, when I don't have time to see him, he will just drive to my office and ask me to come out so he can see me for a bit. About 3 months into the relationship, we were already very attached and close to each other. That being said, I was fully aware of his financial situation. He was doing very poor. But we decided to get a place of our own, because I used to live with my brother. We searched for a place and rented it, of course with my money. Months after months he wasn't able to help with rent. Not only that, his "business" has gone so bad that I lent him money. For the past 9 months that we were together, I have provided food, shelter, clothes, daily necessities and gifts for him. But he wasn't even able to afford a regular meal in a regular restaurant. So mostly to help him with his self-esteem, I had to work full time and cook for us after work. (pretty pathetic) All these time that we were together, the only gift that he got me was a stuff animal that is worth around $30.

After a while, he started saying that he wants to marry me and will divorce his wife. (I'm sure you all know the drill.) But of course, I never believed it. Eventually with his continuous repeating this, I started to fall for it.

 

Our first argument came about him not leaving his wife. His excuse from the beginning to end is that he can't leave his children. So throughout the next couple of months, we fought all the time. Him being a very traditional Chinese man, "face" is very important to him. I started to attack him on that and I knew he hated it. The truth of the mater is, I can't be a submissive girlfriend when I'm the bread winner of this relationship. So finally one time we got into a really huge fight and he broke up with me. I was broken. I couldn't believe that he broke up with me because he said he couldn't stand being yelled at by women. He's never gotten yelled at by women before so to speak. Me, growing up in the States have always believed in sexual equality but he's the exact opposite. After that fight we got back together and the same thing happened for couple more times. Until this time, it's real. I know that we will never be back together again. But I just feel so hurt by him. I must be the stupidest OW ever. Not only did I fork out my time, my love and my money for this kind of guy. To make things worse, he also gave me herpes.

 

I am in despair, I feel so lonely and helpless. Please help me move on and re-establish myself. Currently he is on a repayment plan to pay me back the money he owes me. The only reason that we are still in contact is to ensure I get my money back. But deep down, I know I still love him. I'm just really hurt by the fact that he dumped me for such ridiculous reason.

 

 

You took up a whole bunch of unnecessary and difficult tasks upon yourselves for a man who wasn't yours. I don't think I could even trust my "relationship" with a man who was not only married but had nothing for himself and I'm doing everything for him. He had MANY reasons to fool around with you (to help his self esteem) and get financial help that probably had nothing to do with love. It did not sound like a mutually beneficial relationship, and although most affairs aren't, this one tips the scale even more.

 

This was clearly not an A+ scenario and I think you have to be in a certain kind of emotional/mental/psychological dump to engage it and desire it as something wonderful for yourself. I've been there, done that and don't plan on going back.

 

I'd suggest you go to this site called Baggage Reclaim..Google it. It will start to help you to think about why you may be doing what you're doing, how to see the reality and rise up from it.

 

This dumping should be the beginning of a new outlook on life and signifies the end of something that doesn't win any awards anyway.This man was not your last chance and he certainly didn't seem like the greatest first pick either ...you'll be just fine. Check the site out and make a pact with yourself to clear your head, detox from him (via strict NC) and do something nice for yourself and start your journey towards a healthier outlook.

[BB07]

This is another one of those really f'd up situations when a woman has handed her power, her money and her life over to a good for nothing man and she knows it but does it anyway.

 

Op..........get some help because obviously something inside of you is broken, (there is no shame in being broken, most of us are) because what you've described is so unhealthy and this man is toxic. Start with taking your power back by making YOU more valuable than what he owes you, (you'll never get it anyway and it's just a way for you to hang on) tell him, that YOU say it's over and you never want to hear from him again and CUT OFF all ways that he can contact you. The money is a price you should be willing to pay to get that toxic POS out of your life.

 

Good luck!

[MissBee]

This is another one of those really f'd up situations when a woman has handed her power, her money and her life over to a good for nothing man and she knows it but does it anyway.

 

Op..........get some help because obviously something inside of you is broken, (there is no shame in being broken, most of us are) because what you've described is so unhealthy and this man is toxic. Start with taking your power back by making YOU more valuable than what he owes you, (you'll never get it anyway and it's just a way for you to hang on) tell him, that YOU say it's over and you never want to hear from him again and CUT OFF all ways that he can contact you. The money is a price you should be willing to pay to get that toxic POS out of your life.

 

Good luck!

 

Couldn't agree more...especially with the bolded.

[Popolon]

Thanks for the advise. But any solid steps into recovering from this mess? I've never thought that I will fall for someone like this. Basically he has none of the quality that I look for in men. Actually he's the exact opposite. The only thing that I was attracted to was him being able to make me laugh all the time. Probably also the attentions he gave me.

[BB07]

Thanks for the advise. But any solid steps into recovering from this mess? I've never thought that I will fall for someone like this. Basically he has none of the quality that I look for in men. Actually he's the exact opposite. The only thing that I was attracted to was him being able to make me laugh all the time. Probably also the attentions he gave me.

 

Did you read the responses? You've gotten some good advice.......as Bee said, check out the baggage reclaim site and consider getting some therapy.

 

Hon.........no one here can fix you or this mess, you have to take the steps yourself. You know he is bad, bad and more bad, but you are insisting that you still love him, does this not indicate something seriously wrong with your viewpoint???

[YellowShark]

Thanks for the advise. But any solid steps into recovering from this mess? I've never thought that I will fall for someone like this. Basically he has none of the quality that I look for in men. Actually he's the exact opposite. The only thing that I was attracted to was him being able to make me laugh all the time. Probably also the attentions he gave me.

 

Wow. Illegal business dealings, STDs, cheating and married. Then he cons you into supporting him too. What a catch!

 

You really have dropped yourself into a blender Popolon. Run away. And fast. You will also never get all that money back, and if you do it will be dirty money.

 

Dump this "shadow of a man" and reclaim your life before you get into legal trouble too. Please.

[MissBee]

Thanks for the advise. But any solid steps into recovering from this mess? I've never thought that I will fall for someone like this. Basically he has none of the quality that I look for in men. Actually he's the exact opposite. The only thing that I was attracted to was him being able to make me laugh all the time. Probably also the attentions he gave me.

 

I did give a solid step...go to the site, Baggage Reclaim (Google it, I don't think you can post links), there are many posts on how to go about doing No Contact, how to recover your self worth after a situation like this falls a part etc. It is better to go to the site and read at your leisure and hear other women's stories than for me to try to paraphrase and retype what's there. It's an awesome site that has helped many women from LS and elsewhere cope with the ending of such situations.

 

Also...you do realize that this isn't something in which people can give you a 3 step plan that will solve it right? It goes way deeper and will require much self work and introspection in order for you to get over it and get over the underlying reasons for even doing it. I said it because you sound kind of impatient, like you have better things to do and just need the quick version of how to be done....when it doesn't exists.

Edited June 19, 2011 by MissBee

[Ellin]

Popolon, stop beating yourself up. It happens. Some successful women make stupid mistakes lika that, when feelings overrule their heads.

 

It's done and you are doing the right thing in trying to find ways to move on.

 

You're a lovely girl and deserve a nice man who'll treat you right. It will happen when you're ready.

 

I would say the first step is forgive yourself this mistake and hold your head high and aim higher from now on.

 

Finally, he didn't break up with you for the "stupid reason" he gave you. He broke up with you because he was never in a position to deliver what he promised or to keep up with a girl like you. He had nothing to offer and he knew that.

 

He finished it for all the other reasons and gave you this one as an excuse, and as a way of blaming you for the ending, while he knew that he was the one to blame.

 

Consider yourself lucky that this is over now. Had it continued, you'd had more heartbreak in the future.

 

You deserve better.

[whichwayisup]

Even before us meeting, I've heard of my friend talked about him and his family. So I knew from the gecko that he is married with kids. The first night we met were at a bar and we hit it off with great conversations and finally a taxi ride home together and we hugged at the end of the night and exchanged phone numbers

 

But WHY would you, knowing full well the guy was married?? This I don't get.

 

My xMM is a local Chinese guy that don't speak a word of English, Junior high drop out, and he's also a gangster that does illegal business. (not to mention unsuccessful too) Married for 10 years with 2 kids.)

 

Okay...And this guy is the love of your life? the man who gave you herpes, treated you poorly and you still want and love him??

 

He ended it and it was a dumb reason, it was HIS way out. That should piss you off deeply and make you see him for who he is. And how he's not worth your tears.

 

Would your family and friends accept him if you two did end up together? What about his kids and being their step mother. You wanted him to leave his wife after only 9 months of an affair ... You knew he was married from the beginning and he still lived life with his wife and family ... To push him to leave when I think he was in it for the affair nothing more, and the end result was he ended things with you. He doesn't want to change his life, he liked it before, having two women in his life, you on the side and his wife at home.

 

He finished it for all the other reasons and gave you this one as an excuse, and as a way of blaming you for the ending, while he knew that he was the one to blame.

 

Yup, the guy has no backbone.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the advise. But any solid steps into recovering from this mess? I've never thought that I will fall for someone like this. Basically he has none of the quality that I look for in men. Actually he's the exact opposite. The only thing that I was attracted to was him being able to make me laugh all the time. Probably also the attentions he gave me.

 

Hmm, I do believe that when the timing is right and this guy is out of your blood, you'll meet and connect with a (single) guy who makes you laugh, who loves you and doesn't have a wife and kids, a guy who isn't just looking for an affair.

 

Get some counselling to help you cope and keep posting here. Try to accept that sooner or later the result would've been the same, the A would end. Better now rather than 2-5 years from now!!

 

Talk to your closest friends that you trust and keep busy. Once he's paid you back, BLOCK him out of your life in every way possible.

[Popolon]

Thanks for the info on baggage reclaim. I have register to receive email help on NC. I will start to go into NC today. Once I have new development I will be posting again.

[MissBee]

Thanks for the info on baggage reclaim. I have register to receive email help on NC. I will start to go into NC today. Once I have new development I will be posting again.

 

Good job! It won't be easy but you can do it and will be so thankful you did! Keep us posted