Is it selfish? Would you?

[echocrush]

I feel like I am going insane, I need to go find myself before I get totally lost. He says I am selfish for wanting to be on my own for awhile, and I have to agree with him. But I think he is selfish for breaking promises to me and controlling me... For not letting me make my own decisions, and not caring what I want. For not being able to control his anger, for never wanting to do anything but watch TV. Stuff like that.

 

When we met I was a doormat, I needed his strength just to stand. The last few years have been difficult in my life, very difficult and he hasn't been there for me for court or any of the times I've needed moral support. He told me toughen up, take care of it myself... and I did. Now I am feeling confident and stronger than ever.

 

Now I want to spread my new wings and try them out... I hate the town we live in, I always have, I grew up here, worked hard to get out, and due to divorce ended up back here "for awhile"... I stayed for him, but told him that was a condition of our relationship, that we left this place. We are still here almost 2 1/2 years later and there are so many bad memories here. So I want to leave, go try it in another place and still see him if he wants... After awhile he can join me if he wants... but I need some time to see what I can do...

 

Am I being selfish?

 

What would you do?

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by echocrush

I feel like I am going insane, I need to go find myself before I get totally lost.

 

Why do you feel that you need to find yourself?

 

~V

[echocrush]

In the 15 years I've been dating I've never been single for more than a few weeks, and I wrap myself up so totally in them that I don't know what I want, or even who I am. I started dating him three months after my ex and I separated... we moved in together right away, and have been together ever since. Even in that three months I was barely single, I had a few dates and such.

 

I try not to think about it much but I have dreams for my life, for my children, my future... and I keep setting them aside for men. I'm 31 now, and I feel like time is running out for me to follow them.

 

I also tend to be attracted to very dominant men, because I was so submissive it worked out OK. But the more they made me be by myself, handle things I didn't think I could handle, face tough situations... the more I discovered I could do it... now I want to see what else I can do...

[CurlyIam]

You're 31, you don't need anyone's permision to live your life the way you feel like.

 

What your bf is doing is so..."male", he's afraid you'll leave him if you get the time to see for yourself wht you want. I am sorry, my ex did the same and I ended up leaving the country - haha, hope it won't happen to you.

 

Don't be afraid to make the changes, it's not like we're getting any younger. And why were you saying "dreams for my life, for my children, my future... and I keep setting them aside for men ". I mean what you do with your life it's your decision, but children must always always came first, before any man, father or not, before you, even. I hope I missunderstood.

 

I got very depressed after leaving my ex, feeling very very guilty of it too, as he was an incredible, extraordinary man who wouldn't give air to breathe. And my best friend told me the most important resposability, obligation I have is to myself. Tell him to let you go and allow you to discover yourself, or else he'll loose you forever, as you will became unhappy - I recongize the symptoms, will start to blame him and will leave, even if after a few more years.

[Moose]

I have to agree with the fact that you're an adult...and since you did just jump into this right after your divorce....you really haven't had much of a chance to experience what's out there.

 

Remember that you are you're own person, you can take care of yourself and the Good Lord will never allow something you can't handle come into your life.

 

Tell him that you jumped into this relationship too soon and you need to experience life for a while. Let him know that you're still interested in a relationship with him, ( If indeed you still are ), and that he's gonna have to trust you for a while until you get your, "Ducks" in a row and get your direction in life.

 

I guess the answer to you question is, No, it is not selfish to think of yourself and what you want out of life once in awhile.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by echocrush

In the 15 years I've been dating I've never been single for more than a few weeks, and I wrap myself up so totally in them that I don't know what I want, or even who I am. I started dating him three months after my ex and I separated... we moved in together right away, and have been together ever since. Even in that three months I was barely single, I had a few dates and such.

 

I try not to think about it much but I have dreams for my life, for my children, my future... and I keep setting them aside for men. I'm 31 now, and I feel like time is running out for me to follow them.

 

I also tend to be attracted to very dominant men, because I was so submissive it worked out OK. But the more they made me be by myself, handle things I didn't think I could handle, face tough situations... the more I discovered I could do it... now I want to see what else I can do...

 

You and I are SO much alike, it's unreal! I'm in the same boat you are in, just wanting to be by myself and get to know ME for a change.

[HokeyReligions]

It is not at all selfish. Go. Do. Challenge yourself.

[echocrush]

He feels like I am being unfair to him because I shouldn't have married him if I was going to feel this way. I didn't know I was going to feel this way or I wouldn't have...

 

I don't want to divorce him, not at this point... He can be an amazing man, It's not like I am thinking about going out and replacing him... That's the exact opposite of what I want.

 

"dreams for my life, for my children, my future... and I keep setting them aside for men ". I mean what you do with your life it's your decision, but children must always always came first, before any man, father or not, before you, even. I hope I missunderstood.

 

My children are my life, and I have dreams for all of us... Like doing more as a family, but we are two hours from the nearest stoplight. After my divorce I was planning on going somewhere where we could do more like zoos, museums, parks, festivals etc. Then I met hubby and put it on hold... it's still on hold. He drives 120 miles a day just to work and back... so on the weekend as you can imagine he doesn't move an inch! So that was what I meant by what I said... better???

 

That's one of the things I have figured out recently. I've spent a lot of years upset because i had a crappy childhood, but I can't change the past. I can't go back and fix what was done... but I can make up for it by giving my kids the childhood i always wanted.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by echocrush

He feels like I am being unfair to him because I shouldn't have married him if I was going to feel this way. I didn't know I was going to feel this way or I wouldn't have...

 

I don't want to divorce him, not at this point... He can be an amazing man, It's not like I am thinking about going out and replacing him... That's the exact opposite of what I want.

 

 

 

My children are my life, and I have dreams for all of us... Like doing more as a family, but we are two hours from the nearest stoplight. After my divorce I was planning on going somewhere where we could do more like zoos, museums, parks, festivals etc. Then I met hubby and put it on hold... it's still on hold. He drives 120 miles a day just to work and back... so on the weekend as you can imagine he doesn't move an inch! So that was what I meant by what I said... better???

 

That's one of the things I have figured out recently. I've spent a lot of years upset because i had a crappy childhood, but I can't change the past. I can't go back and fix what was done... but I can make up for it by giving my kids the childhood i always wanted.

 

Ahhh, the benefits of living near culture. My husband was actually seriously considering moving back to Florida to this little po dunk town with less than 10k people in it to start up his own business. Not only was that a DUMB thing to consider, but I wouldn't put my child in that environment vs. where we are now. I didn't trust the schools there, either.

 

I can understand exactly where you are coming from.

[echocrush]

Ummmhmmm... I live across the street from my grandmother and mother...

 

We also live across the street from the house I was abused in as a child, when I walk out the front door that room is right there in front of me. *shudder*

 

The house is now occupied by the neighbors from hell. The tally is 7 cats MIA, 9 threats to sue for things like ummm getting a survey done and "stealing" their property, and an accusation of vehicular homocide reported before I was even out of bed. So yeah, I obviously got out of having any charges filed, but I still can't leave my house when they are in the yard.

 

He wants to stay here because the cost of living is so low, but he works for his brother 60 miles away in a resort town and makes dmn good money. There aren't many jobs here, and he "prefers" I don't work, so with a population of under 500... there isn't much to do. He keeps trying to get a hobby, meet some people... etc. and I do have some good friends... but I would really like to have a bit more culture in our lives than the middle school art exhibit.

 

So yeah... not the best environment for kids huh? 10K I could handle... even 1K maybe... but 500 people ughh!

[echocrush]

Thanks for all of the encouragement... now, if I can just keep him from hating me for it and get a car. I haven't had a car since right after we got together and that is a big problem in my little scheme of things.

[reggio]

Who's really being selfish?

 

If you don't know what you want and your ownself, why would you get involved with another person in the first place?

 

It sounds like use and abuse until something better comes along.

[echocrush]

Originally posted by reggio

Who's really being selfish?

It sounds like use and abuse until something better comes along.

 

So you are saying I used him to stay in a place I didn't really want to be in just so I could give up all of my plans and dreams but now I am done using him to get what I don't want I feel free to move on, and leave a man I love very much, who makes good money so that I can be on my own struggling to support three kids???

 

If you don't know what you want and your ownself, why would you get involved with another person in the first place?

 

I agree, which is why I asked the question. Is it selfish to not know what I want NOW? If I had known I would feel this way I wouldn't have married him, but he's taught me to be independent and now I feel like I am getting too independent.

 

*sigh* I'm confused

[echocrush]

I guess I should have been more specific... the town I am considering moving to is 120 miles away, with the place he works in between. So it's still the same distance to where I am, just closer to a college town, jobs, activities etc. I told him he can stay if he wants, if he is in one of his alone moods he can come to this house, if he is in the mood to be with me he can be with me...

 

i am having a hard time dealing with his anger and his needing to be alone. We live in a small house and when he is in a bad mood all 4 of the rest of us have to tiptoe around to avoid getting yelled at. When he is in a good mood he is the sweetest man I've ever met, but the bad moods are coming more and more often... and I think it's just me, I annoy people on the best of days...

 

I don't want to lose him forever, but if he does say i am a selfish b and he never wants to see me again, then i'll understand. I'm hoping he will just support me emotionally, but if he can't I will understand.

[echocrush]

So... I talked to him, and he just sounds like he is ready to give up... my fairytale marriage lasted less than a year? I can't accept that but I don't know what else to do, he just keeps getting more and more distant, controlling, and mean... it's starting to show all of the signs of an abusive marriage in the making.

 

I do love him despite what it may sound like, i am just a bit, well more than a bit jaded at this point in my life.

[CurlyIam]

Oh my God, echocrush, that's terrible. All I want to say is be very very sure about what you want to do and than go ahead with it. I'll say a prayer for you and your three children.