what do you think about my situation??

[contrition]

hi, all:

 

i found this forum after searching the web for a place to get help. i'd like to get any and all advice on my situation -please - i don't have any friends to tell any of this to, and i don't think they'd understand anyway.

 

i'm a 43-year-old single mother to a 9 year old, and six years ago, i met a wonderful man. he was very kind, caring and gentle, and also a single father himself. we had a very good relationship, but i had some unsettling fears. he had been married twice before, and the biggest thing for me was that i wasn't sure that he could truly commit to marriage. i didn't know if he would eventually come up with a weak excuse for divorcing me too, if we got married. plus i didn't want my first marriage to be his third.

 

so, after 3 years, we went our separate ways. he was heartbroken. in the years that passed, i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and spent a lot of time in doctors' offices and hospitals. now, between my up and down days, i really need help at home.

 

i contacted him a few weeks ago, just a shot in the dark. i found him on his third unhappy marriage, very close to getting another divorce.

 

he says that he never stopped loving me and that he wants to marry me as soon as he gets a divorce. and, i've slept with him 3 times. i believe he truly loves me and i love him too, but i think he might be a serial divorcer. i just don't know what to do. i would welcome a husband right now, but i don't want to make a mistake.

 

what should i do?

[OldOnTheInside]

i believe he truly loves me and i love him too, but i think he might be a serial divorcer

 

The point isn't whether or not he is a serial divorcer, but whether or not you are willing to accept that risk.

 

i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and spent a lot of time in doctors' offices and hospitals. now, between my up and down days, i really need help at home.

 

Considering all the negative side effects that come with both your treatment and the disease itself, do you really think that you are in the best frame of mind to make such a decision, at the moment?

[Finch]

I am very sorry that you are in a rough situation.

From what you've described, it sounds like you left the relationship in the first place because you weren't sure about this man. Something about the relationship made you doubt his ability to stand beside you in the long run. You didn't want to be his third divorce, and that's understandable.

Now, a few years later you make contact with him again and you find him in what he says in another unhappy marriage. You say only that he is getting close to another divorce - not that papers have been signed or filed. He is still married, which means you need to proceed with caution. If you are to pursue a relationship with this man you need to make very sure you are a) willing to be one of the major factors in the end of his current marriage and b) willing to accept the idea that should you eventually marry this man it may not work out. You are familiar with the say "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you"? Not true in every case, but something to keep in mind.

My biggest concern would be that you had doubts before and it sounds like they have not gone away. He has not shown any indication that he has changed in some substantial way that could make you feel secure with him.

I have a question - if you weren't having health issues and in need of help at home would you be so interested in this man, or would you be willing to wait for someone you are sure of?

[MissBee]

Contrition,

 

I am sorry about your diagnosis and can quite understand how it may leave you feeling sad, even a bit hopeless and I can totally see how in this time you would reach out to this man as someone to help you deal with this difficult news and alleviate some of your burdens. However, I do not think that this is a good idea.

 

Your own gut and intuition are spot on!

 

This man married a third time and has shown himself to be just as you thought, a serial divorcer/monogamist. His track record has proven that he is incapable of sustaining any long term, committed relationship. Him wanting to marry you should NOT produce joy bells but alarm bells as clearly he wanted to marry 3 other people and we see how that turned out....so someone who has been married several times, promising to marry you is not a big deal. It is a shady deal in fact. If he so happens to keep marrying "the wrong woman", he has a problem and if they are good women, suited for him and he can't make it work, he still has a problem.

 

Don't try to make yourself an exception to the rule. You most likely won't be. No matter how much you love him or he loves you, he has some issue and an obvious pattern that speaks for itself that HE needs to fix.

 

Have you told him about your MS? If not...you should. Can you imagine if you get married to him and his issues start acting up (which they will) and then he decides to cheat or leave? You will be in an even worst position than before, trying to take care of your daughter and health while dealing with heartbreak and all those painful emotions that come along with it. It will be a mess that I wouldn't wish on anyone, so please stay far while you have the option to not be involved. You made the right choice to leave him before, and he went off and married and you were not in contact and only seemed to consider him now that you're in a place of emotional upheaval. I don't think it is "meant to be" and again even him saying he still loves you and blah blah probably is as a result of his issues and not anything to take to the bank.

 

Don't lean on him in this time. Lean on family and join a support forum or real life group for MS and think about your daughter and yourself first. Let things sink in and read stories of hope that will give you the strength to find a GOOD relationship that will not be built on a man ridden with issues, your fears and that may ultimately end in disaster. You want something real that will provide you with love and support and also a man who will be a good stepdad to your child, don't put her life in a hot mess too. It's better to be single and find a support system through family, friends, church or a group than to entangle yourself in some unsteady situation as a quick relief.

Edited June 19, 2011 by MissBee

[Lauriebell82]

Does he know about your diagnosis? If so, I think he may be playing on your how vulnerable you are right now. I agree with the other posters that it is NOT a good idea to marry this man or stay involved with him at all for that matter. He sounds like a serial divorcer. Get out now!!!

[BB07]

Does he know about your diagnosis? If so, I think he may be playing on your how vulnerable you are right now. I agree with the other posters that it is NOT a good idea to marry this man or stay involved with him at all for that matter. He sounds like a serial divorcer. Get out now!!!

 

 

I'd be more worried about the reasons why he is a serial divorcer, perhaps he is a serial cheater.

 

There is something wrong with a man who has not ended one marriage and who is already talking about marrying you so quickly.......in fact this should send out a big red stop sign and you are vulnerable. Please don't let him take advantage of you in the name of "kindness". People can do terrible life shattering things to you under a umbrella of supposed kindness.

[Gentlegirl]

So sorry to hear of your diagnosis.

 

It's frequently mentioned on this site, that there are certain times in life when we make the really unwise decisions.

 

It's usually when we are feeling helpless and reaching out for help.

 

I just hope you don't reach out to the wrong person. His track record isn't very good and he is still married but offering to marry you.

 

IN the future when you really will be needing somebody stable, will he be there?

 

All my very best wishes to you,

 

Gentlegirl

[PhoenixRise]

hi, all:

 

i found this forum after searching the web for a place to get help. i'd like to get any and all advice on my situation -please - i don't have any friends to tell any of this to, and i don't think they'd understand anyway.

 

i'm a 43-year-old single mother to a 9 year old, and six years ago, i met a wonderful man. he was very kind, caring and gentle, and also a single father himself. we had a very good relationship, but i had some unsettling fears. he had been married twice before, and the biggest thing for me was that i wasn't sure that he could truly commit to marriage. i didn't know if he would eventually come up with a weak excuse for divorcing me too, if we got married. plus i didn't want my first marriage to be his third.

 

so, after 3 years, we went our separate ways. he was heartbroken. in the years that passed, i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and spent a lot of time in doctors' offices and hospitals. now, between my up and down days, i really need help at home.

 

i contacted him a few weeks ago, just a shot in the dark. i found him on his third unhappy marriage, very close to getting another divorce.

 

he says that he never stopped loving me and that he wants to marry me as soon as he gets a divorce. and, i've slept with him 3 times. i believe he truly loves me and i love him too, but i think he might be a serial divorcer. i just don't know what to do. i would welcome a husband right now, but i don't want to make a mistake.

 

what should i do?

 

 

So you would like a husband right now..But what about THIS man as a husband.

 

Right now you know for sure that he is cheating on the wife he currently has. Right now you know for sure he has been divorced twice already.

 

Based on what you know for sure about him would you want to be wife number 3?

 

Based on what you know for sure about him what do you think will happen as your physical condition deteriorates?

 

Is he the kind of man you would want as a stepfather to your son? Would he be a good example for him?

 

I think you are in a very dark place. I think you are feeling overwhelmed and scared about your illness. I think you are scared that you can't handle everything that your illness will bring and raise a child on your own. I think you are hoping this man will help you. Maybe your relationship with him has more to do with fear of the future than love?

 

Based on the fact that he has been married twice now, is currently cheating on his second wife, and claims to be lining you up to be wife number 3 you should be asking yourself what will happen down the road when your health deteriorates? Is he likely to stand by you? Is he likely to want to deal with the challenges of being stepdad to a teenage boy?

 

Has he done any work on himself at all that would indicate to you that he is a good risk as a spouse?

 

Think very carefully about this and try hard not to make your decisions out of fear. Any decision you make out of a fearful place will eventually put you in a worse position than you are now.

 

Good Luck

[contrition]

i appreciate all the input and advice that everyone has given, and i do understand what everyone is saying. No one said anything that hasn't gone through my mind already, but sometimes you just need objectivity from the outside. and for that, i thank you.