TurningTables Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hello. Well..Im done my first full week of NC. During this time, Ive thought about every conversation that Ive had with my xbestfriend/MM. I was wondering if anyone else who went through a EA questioned all the things that they said to you during this time? Before any emotions came into play, we were best friends. I know in my heart that he wouldnt have had any need to lie to me then..(being the operative word). I go between thinking he lied to me about things after feelings started to gravitate towards romantic... to being angry that I let the situation get so out of control. I also on the other side of this spectrum I know he has to have been sincere about some things, meaning he was going to introduce me to his 5 year old child just as an example. In the end, I took the decision out of his hands and made it for myself. I dont think he is fully aware that I have gone to NC. I havent heard from him since our "serious" conversation about his M and making decisions about his life. I think there was some mis-understandings about that conversation, and Ive honestly thought about breaking my NC and letting him know what is on the up and up. However, then I think to myself, it would be like starting back at square one. Nothing I say or do will change the facts. He is married and he dosent know if he is staying. Everything else is irrelevant. Anyone else want to comment or share? Link to post Share on other sites
Amour7 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Turningtables, I am sorry you have to lose your best friend. That is so hard! You are going to need a lot of support to get through the rough times of NC if you truly are ready to commit to moving on. You will know if you are. I (former OW) tried it a few times but was really waiting for MM to contact me and promise me more things and take some new actions. It takes being really sick and tired of it all to make NC work. So, if and when you are ready, you decide if you want to let him know you are going NC, but as soon as you decide it do it, you have to cut off his ability to reply to you- block him from your cell, email, etc. If you think you couldn't possibly do that, that you'd "have to" know if he tries to call you (been there), then you're not sick and tired enough. I say this from LOTS of experience and many failed attempts. When you are truly ready, you will know you are better off not hearing from him- even if he was your best friend. It's too hard, hon, to maintain that emotional connection. Any connection. I'm at 4 weeks of NC, which is my most resounding success, and it is getting better. Blocking his number and email was the best thing I could do. I also changed my ring tone, so that the sound of the phone wouldn't trigger thoughts of him calling me. So every time my phone now rings, or I get notified of an email, I don't even think that it could be him. It is liberating. It really is. Best of luck. Edited June 20, 2011 by Amour7 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hello. Well..Im done my first full week of NC. During this time, Ive thought about every conversation that Ive had with my xbestfriend/MM. I was wondering if anyone else who went through a EA questioned all the things that they said to you during this time? Before any emotions came into play, we were best friends. I know in my heart that he wouldnt have had any need to lie to me then..(being the operative word). I go between thinking he lied to me about things after feelings started to gravitate towards romantic... to being angry that I let the situation get so out of control. I also on the other side of this spectrum I know he has to have been sincere about some things, meaning he was going to introduce me to his 5 year old child just as an example. In the end, I took the decision out of his hands and made it for myself. I dont think he is fully aware that I have gone to NC. I havent heard from him since our "serious" conversation about his M and making decisions about his life. I think there was some mis-understandings about that conversation, and Ive honestly thought about breaking my NC and letting him know what is on the up and up. However, then I think to myself, it would be like starting back at square one. Nothing I say or do will change the facts. He is married and he dosent know if he is staying. Everything else is irrelevant. Anyone else want to comment or share? TT.... is the NC because you want to end the relationship? Is your intention to extricate yourself totally? Because NC is not a 'tactic' or a 'strategy'. It's a method of getting away from the relationship for good. If you're not ready for NC it's pointless. It's just more drama and reinforces the feeling that you're in some way 'out of control' or unable to deal with the situation, which could then end with you being more involved, not less. If you seriously have things you need to say, for whatever reason, then say it if it will give you peace in your heart/head. The danger is that in two weeks time there'll be other things you want/need to say.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurningTables Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you for all your replies. It means alot. SillyGirl- I know that NC is serious stuff. I am not using it as a tactic or anything like that. I am not one to play head games with anyone. I know its hard to understand my situation without me tellling my story, but the facts remain that he is married. He is not sure whether or not he wants to stay and work on his M. This has NOTHING to do with me or him wanting to be with me..and he is not thinking of leaving her to be with me by no means. This was all set into motion before I came back into his life. We are both adults and know that its gonna take time for him to adjust to a new life, esp with his child involved. I am not going to wait around like a puppy for him to do all that. I would, however, be his friend. I guess my reflections are about how I left things.He wanted to talk to me in person. I think he had things to say, but I never messaged him back. He thought that I was asking him to decide now and I wasent. I just thought that it would be a good idea if we didnt talk while he was trying to figure things out. Because of the friendship, I am his sounding board.He tells me just about everything, and anything else, I can figure out myself. I keep telling him and asking why its me and not her to do all these things for him? I think their M is dead, and he feels guilty because of his child and the fact that he gave his word ( he is just that kind of person, once his word is given, it sticks, no matter what). Its sad really, because he is giving up things that he needs and wants just because of it. I have seen the other side of breaking NC. It never ends well. One side of me wants to keep the NC and go on. The other side of me, I think needs some closure. I guess Im questioning how I really feel about everything. Does that make any sense? lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurningTables Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I like the saying 'when in doubt, do nothing' - it seems that if one waits for a situation to become clearer (even if just in one's own mind) before making a decision about what action to take, whatever is decided turns out to be better than if one had acted in haste. Does that make sense? I don't believe that many conversations that happen at the end of a relationship will be complete enough for us. I think there are always things left unsaid or said differently to how we'd wish. A week down the road there is very usually a moment of 'Oh damn, I could have said such and such'. But with time and space, it ceases to matter. There seems to be a dependence upon our sexual partner to understand us completely and so we feel we have to explain ourselves, our feelings, what we really mean fully to them. But in the case of an affair, it appears that being too dependent on the MP isn't wise, there is too little guarantee that the vulnerability that's exposed won't be abused further. By maintaining NC, you're not only giving yourself time and space to heal and move forward, but you're also showing him (and I guess yourself) that you have standards and principles, which must feel good for you to know. And this is regardless of whether NC is being used as a tactic or not! And yes, I realise you, OP are not playing games with it. I think you know your own mind and where your boundaries are, you also know why you want to keep NC and I hope you get the support that'll enable you to continue to be true to yourself Hi Turnstone. Thank you for your insight. I know that Im doing the right thing. Its hard to look back and have things "hit" you and you realize that someone took something you said the wrong way (etc). Breaking NC would be the worst thing I could do at this point. We were having a EA, he never made a move towards me physically. He was my best friend, and I never really had a physical attraction to him until two months ago out of a 20 year R. Once he admitted he didnt trust himself around me anymore, I knew something had to be done. I mourn his friendship, the person that I could depend on everyday and with everything else in my life. Im miserable and I keep reading what everyone says..it gets better. Im still waiting for some kind of healing to begin. I know..Im impatient. lol Link to post Share on other sites
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