Wife wants me to get a GF

[dangrus]

We have been married for 10 years and have kids. Our sex life has been going down hill for a couple years. We are now down to once every few months. It has gotten to a point that she does not want me touching her any more then a good bye kiss because it could lead to sex (that has not happened in many years.) She says sex is dead to her and I need to find a girl friend to take care of my needs. She even said that she wants to meet her first because any relationship issues would affect both of us such as STDs and Fatal Attraction type stuff. This has been brought up multiple times and I now think she is serious.

 

In the last year I have been eating better and exercising to ensure it wasn't a weight issue on my part. I have also stepped back and made sure I am doing my share around the house. I have also thought through our lovemaking to make sure I wasn't being selfish. None of these things have helped. I think the issue is that she never lost the weight after our youngest was born which was 7 years ago.

 

We are pretty good friends with a few of our neighbors and they tell her she needs to go to counseling. They tell her that she is lucky to have me and she needs to take care of her issues. We do have other issues from time to time but they are normal marriage things and we work through them.

 

I do not want to put her or my kids through a divorce. I think it would be pretty selfish on my part, but I do not want to give up on sex. I very much enjoy making love to my wife. She does enjoy it when she gets into it. We have discussed counseling but she doesn't see where she should go and be told by someone else that she should be doing something she doesn't want to do.

 

I have never been the guy that can go to a bar and pick up a girl, I am the one that turns into the friend. Attempting to find a girl friend is not really my idea of fun, let alone wrong in a marriage. I am starting to wonder if having a mistress is what will solve the issue we are having. Part of me thinks that if it tears apart our marriage then it was meant to be and it was on its way any way.

 

Does any one have any experiences with open marriages that they can share? I have searched through here multiple times but haven't really found anything. Thanks for listening.

[Woggle]

I bet the minute you do get one she will magically be attracted again. If you wear a wedding it should be a piece of cake to get another woman.

[John Bigboote]

She even said that she wants to meet her first because any relationship issues would affect both of us such as STDs and Fatal Attraction type stuff.

 

Meeting the GF won't protect anyone from STDs. That is what blood testing and condoms are for. But having them meet is a good idea; it tends to reduce the wife's jealousy since it humanizes the GF and it assures the GF that there is no cheating going on and everything is on the level. Wife and GF can even become friends and girltalk-bond over you.

 

Of course, most women who would otherwise be peachy with cheating will freak out at the prospect of meeting the wife and thus conducting the affair openly and honestly. Why this might be is beyond me, but it is true.

 

We have discussed counseling but she doesn't see where she should go and be told by someone else that she should be doing something she doesn't want to do.

Not good enough. Her lack of desire is torturing you, and that should be enough to make her want to examine the causes. She probably will say she's dealing with the problem by offering you a GF, but that's not something you're interested in. Since you are uncomfortable with the idea of a GF, I recommend refusing to get one until the wife sees a doctor or counselor first. Only if they can't help should you even consider it.

 

 

Attempting to find a girl friend is not really my idea of fun, let alone wrong in a marriage.

You and your wife get to decide what's right or wrong in your marriage.

[Art_Critic]

I know you are going to say no but are you sure she doesn't already have a BF and telling you to get a GF would just ease her guilt ?

 

Smells like a BF in the wings to me....

[OldOnTheInside]

I know you are going to say no but are you sure she doesn't already have a BF and telling you to get a GF would just ease her guilt ?

 

Smells like a BF in the wings to me....

 

I dunno, it's quite possible but still a large assumption. Perhaps you should look for evidence OP? Or maybe not...

 

Since you aren't entirely comfortable with the offer presented, I do think MC or at least clear communication is your best route. But if she is shooting down all your views, then you have bigger problems than her being a cuckquean.

 

IMO, there is a wound in your marriage, and her offer is just a bandage. You need to find out what that wound is first...

Edited June 20, 2011 by OldOnTheInside

[giotto]

Has she told you why she is off sex? Is she on meds? Medical conditions? Or is it just a way to tell you she is not attracted to you/not in love with you anynmore? The GF thing is just a way to keep you there. Does she work? Could she be independent financially if you left?

 

My wife is pretty much the same, but at least she puts some effort in (twice a month) to keep me there... I've tried the diet/gym myself, nothing changed. And she is quite overweight too (but I don't mind at all).

 

On the other hand, I wouldn't exclude a priori that she is cheating.

[denise_xo]

I once offered such an arrangement to a partner. He turned it down. I had no ulterior motives with it (as in, wanting to go there myself with someone else). I agree with those who say she needs to get counseling, and probably also a medical check (although my GP basically could do nothing for me).

[crazycatlady]

We are in an open marriage but I would worry about the lack of sex in the marriage causing problems because sex is such an emotional bond between two people in an LDR. If you aren't renewing your bond on a regular basis, and are even replacing that sex with sex with another person, I would worry you would become attached to the other woman.

 

Maybe you should tell her to pick someone out for you. I've done that once.

[John Michael Kane]

Sounds like she's telling you to get a woman on the side because she has a man on the side.

[dangrus]

I have been watching for additional signs that she may be cheating but haven't seen anything. I have told her to find me someone then at least I know she is serious about it. She says she doesn't know anyone that would work, plus she is a procrastinator at times so it would probably never happen even if she wanted to find someone.

 

She is pretty bull headed, it is a family trait. So getting her to go to counseling is not going to be easy. It may even coming down to me threatening to separate, even then she may take it as a challenge and not back down. She is not capable of financially supporting herself.

 

The idea of having a girl friend is intriguing, but I know that is only a band aid and it would have to add additional issues. She needs to get counseling but unfortunately I don't think there is anything I can do to get her to go willing. It would be like sending an addict to outpatient rehab, if they don't want to be there it isn't going to work. Hopefully, that doesn't offend anyone.

 

Thank you for all the comments. i don't know anyone that has a working open marriage of any kind so it is interesting to see a broader point of view.

[OldOnTheInside]

i don't know anyone that has a working open marriage of any kind so it is interesting to see a broader point of view.

 

I've never tried it personally but from my own experience with clients, friends, and neighbours, open marriages can work but they can also end horribly. They require extreme stability (as do monogamous relationships in all fairness).

 

The thing is, your relationship isn't stable right now-problems all around, which is why it would be extremely unwise for you to even consider this route.

Edited June 20, 2011 by OldOnTheInside