stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Hi everyone! It's been a VERY long time since i've last posted in this section. I figured i'd come back and tell my story so that i might be able to help at least one person. I met my MM at work. Instant love at 1st sight. We fell madly in love and spent practically every day together. I figured i would be the one coming back and saying that he left his wife and we are living happily ever after. Not even close. We were together for 5 years. 5 years of my life i gave to him. I always said "You'll never see me sitting around waiting for someone." Yeah, well i did. I guess my breaking point was when he went on a mini vacation with his wife and kids. I told him that he needed to tell her he wanted a divorce. I got "I can't just come out and say it like that." Well that was all i needed to hear. I did stay with him. I never did, or could, go NC. I should have, but i didn't. Instead, i decided that i was going to open up to the possibility of dating others. An absolutely adorable guy came into work one day, and i figured, what the hell, why not? So i went on a date with him, and it was WONDERFUL!! He was single and he WANTED to be seen with me! Now i don't recommend jumping from one relationship to another, but i kind of left myself without any other choice. So the next day, i told my MM that i met another guy and that i was going to give him a chance. He told me he had to go, and hung up the phone. I didn't hear from him the rest of the day, or for the better part of the next day. He called me when i got out of work, crying, telling me he missed his best friend. Well, i missed him too, but i was ready to move forward with my life. I told him that i'm giving the new guy a chance. He begged for me back, but i refused. A week later, he calls to tell me that he's going to TRY to leave, but he can't do it until after the holidays. I asked if it was a guarantee, and he again told me he was gonna try. I told him not to bother, new guy was already starting to win me over and i wasn't about to walk away from that for someone who clearly didn't want to be with me. Soooo, here i am!! I have now been with "new guy" for almost a year. I still talk to my MM about once a week or so. We never discuss "us" or our past. We talk as friends. The only time i have seen him since we "broke up" was when he came and did some work at our house. My bf was with me the whole time. I never thought i would be able to break free from the life i had with MM, but it wasn't so bad when i had someone else to focus on. I just had to open up my heart and mind to the possibility. I'm sure MM and i would have been happy had he left, but he didn't, and i wasn't going to waste any more time on him. Just wish i had met my bf sooner!! It would have saved me a lot of tears and stress! Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Does your BF know the history between you and MM? Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm happy you found happiness stillhere and with a single guy without all the baggage to boot...........WONDERFUL! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Does your BF know the history between you and MM? No, he doesn't. He knows i was with a MM for a while, but he does not know who and i'm not about to tell him. I feel that as long as there isn't any contact between us, it's water under the bridge. My bf had dated a MW for a short while before he met me. He told me about her, that she worked with him, and he still has contact with her every once in a while. I told him that as long as there was nothing between them still, i have no problem with them talking. He had his heart broken twice when the women he was with cheated on him, so i trust that he will never do that to me. I guess one never knows, but i trust him and he trusts me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 I'm happy you found happiness stillhere and with a single guy without all the baggage to boot...........WONDERFUL! :) Thank you so very much! I'm happy and i'm in love! I live with my bf now and i love that he's not afraid to show me off and i don't have to try to schedule time to see him! Lol! Trust me, there's baggage, but you're gonna have that unless you're 15 years old! We have plenty of issues with one of the kid's mom, but i guess that's nothing unusual! He's a great dad and i don't plan on walking away from such an amazing man! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Now, that's the kind of "OW success story" I like to hear! Congrats! Link to post Share on other sites
Amour7 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Congratulations! I am so happy for you. And I am envious ! You make it sound easy. When single OW don't have another guy to take over their affection, the loneliness can feel unbearable. Thanks for pointing out, though, that you don't recommend jumping from one relationship to another. Generally speaking, that is not a good idea. It sounds like it is working well for you, though, and you found a wonderful man to give your heart to and who can reciprocate fully. Best wishes for continued happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Now, that's the kind of "OW success story" I like to hear! Congrats! Lol! Thank you I learned so many things from this A that have made me a better person. I would change things if i could, but i can't, so i just had to learn from my mistakes and move forward! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Congratulations! I am so happy for you. And I am envious ! You make it sound easy. When single OW don't have another guy to take over their affection, the loneliness can feel unbearable. Thanks for pointing out, though, that you don't recommend jumping from one relationship to another. Generally speaking, that is not a good idea. It sounds like it is working well for you, though, and you found a wonderful man to give your heart to and who can reciprocate fully. Best wishes for continued happiness! I do make it sound easy, don't i? Wish it was as easy as it sounds! I guess i was just really fed up with the lies and the crap he was feeding me. We talked every day and he WAS my best friend, so it really was hard. We saw each other all the time......usually 5-6 times a week, so it's not easy to walk away from something so familiar. I was scared, but i was also done with feeling lonely all the time. I wanted to be "normal" and have someone who wanted to sleep next to me every night. So i just did it. And trust me, i'm not a fan of change at all. So if i can do it, ANYONE can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
FightClub Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 As a former OM with a exMW in total NC, I believe even for us single guys out there who have a lot to offer for the future this update was amazing to read and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your progress and where the post-affair life has taken you. Keep looking forward, you've done great for yourself! -FC Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Don't you think you should tell your BF the truth and cut ties with MM? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone! It's been a VERY long time since i've last posted in this section. I figured i'd come back and tell my story so that i might be able to help at least one person. I met my MM at work. Instant love at 1st sight. We fell madly in love and spent practically every day together. I figured i would be the one coming back and saying that he left his wife and we are living happily ever after. Not even close. We were together for 5 years. 5 years of my life i gave to him. I always said "You'll never see me sitting around waiting for someone." Yeah, well i did. I guess my breaking point was when he went on a mini vacation with his wife and kids. I told him that he needed to tell her he wanted a divorce. I got "I can't just come out and say it like that." Well that was all i needed to hear. I did stay with him. I never did, or could, go NC. I should have, but i didn't. Instead, i decided that i was going to open up to the possibility of dating others. An absolutely adorable guy came into work one day, and i figured, what the hell, why not? So i went on a date with him, and it was WONDERFUL!! He was single and he WANTED to be seen with me! Now i don't recommend jumping from one relationship to another, but i kind of left myself without any other choice. So the next day, i told my MM that i met another guy and that i was going to give him a chance. He told me he had to go, and hung up the phone. I didn't hear from him the rest of the day, or for the better part of the next day. He called me when i got out of work, crying, telling me he missed his best friend. Well, i missed him too, but i was ready to move forward with my life. I told him that i'm giving the new guy a chance. He begged for me back, but i refused. A week later, he calls to tell me that he's going to TRY to leave, but he can't do it until after the holidays. I asked if it was a guarantee, and he again told me he was gonna try. I told him not to bother, new guy was already starting to win me over and i wasn't about to walk away from that for someone who clearly didn't want to be with me. Soooo, here i am!! I have now been with "new guy" for almost a year. I still talk to my MM about once a week or so. We never discuss "us" or our past. We talk as friends. The only time i have seen him since we "broke up" was when he came and did some work at our house. My bf was with me the whole time. I never thought i would be able to break free from the life i had with MM, but it wasn't so bad when i had someone else to focus on. I just had to open up my heart and mind to the possibility. I'm sure MM and i would have been happy had he left, but he didn't, and i wasn't going to waste any more time on him. Just wish i had met my bf sooner!! It would have saved me a lot of tears and stress! Great for you! I agree that you shouldn't hop from one relationship to get over another, but this new guy coming along made you realize even more how sub par dating a married man is and I think you needed that contrast of an actually available man, willing and able to show you he wants you and cares versus one full of promises and waiting and having a whole other life. Even when you started dating and he was crying and begging, that STILL didn't make him leave his wife ultimately So good thing you moved on, as if it went that far and he still didn't....clearly NOTHING would make him do it! You have done a difficult thing and I'm proud of you that even though you missed and clearly loved him you stuck by your words, you set a boundary for yourself and decided on what YOU wanted instead of making the decision rest in his hands AND things turned out better for it! People act like it will be the end of the world if they let the MM go..when evidently it sucks for a while, but you can and do move on. You moved on to greener, freer pastures with a legitimate future ahead instead of living in limbo land with the MM for all eternity. The new guy might have made it easier...but the moral of the story is still the same: there's more to life than wasting it waiting for a man already spoken for, when PLENTY of single and available men are out there who can provide you with what you need with way less drama! Edited June 20, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Glad you got out of your affair and found someone special. My 2 cents here, take it or leave it: You shouldn't talk to your exMM once a week. Distance yourself from him and do less contact. I say this because your bf isn't stupid and I'm sure he has his suspicions who it is. If he finds out (let's say exMM tells him or casually drops a hint) he could feel abit betrayed as you've kept this guy in your life. In some sense, keeping contact keeps slight feelings alive. I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 As a former OM with a exMW in total NC, I believe even for us single guys out there who have a lot to offer for the future this update was amazing to read and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your progress and where the post-affair life has taken you. Keep looking forward, you've done great for yourself! -FCI have to agree with FC I myself am a former OM with a exMW in total NC. I ended it after 5 years cause I got tired of the lies and the future faking. Even though I've had opportunities I'm very socially active and remain in groups. I know it will happen soon enough...I'm living my life while my exMW is still there. The key is to keep moving forward... Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Glad you got out of your affair and found someone special. My 2 cents here, take it or leave it: You shouldn't talk to your exMM once a week. Distance yourself from him and do less contact. I say this because your bf isn't stupid and I'm sure he has his suspicions who it is. If he finds out (let's say exMM tells him or casually drops a hint) he could feel abit betrayed as you've kept this guy in your life. In some sense, keeping contact keeps slight feelings alive. I hope you get what I'm trying to say.[/QUOTE] I agree! I forgot to add my comments about that aprt. That was the one part that raised a flag and didn't gel. Being polite is fine, but being buddy-buddy with your exMM is a bit much especially if you've hidden his identity from your bf. As whichwayisup says, it will seem very odd and suspicious if it were to be found out and there may be no explanation to him that makes sense as to why you talk to him AND also hid it. If this guy is worth as much as you're saying, and he seems to be to you...let the exMM go. He is not a family member of friend whom you can't live without, so you should just leave it to a cordial relationship as how it is now is a bit strange as well as there may be feelings on his part to rekindle things or for it to slip and then slide all the way back into something unscrupulous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you to everyone for your kind words! I really just wanted to encourage others that there can be a happy ending! It may not be the one you originally thought or hoped that it would be, but life is not always black and white. I thought I was "special" and that his marriage was miserable enough for him to leave. Guess it wasn't as bad as he liked for me to believe! As for those who believe I should tell my bf who my MM is.....I'm not telling him who he is. How would that benefit any of us? I'm all for honesty, but WHY intentionally hurt anyone? I wouldn't be hurting my bf because he knows I was with a MM and he doesn't care. Neither of us were complete angels, and we've had some pretty long conversations about our pasts and what we've learned from those experiences. And I SHOULD cut ties with MM. I honestly don't know why I haven't. I guess I don't want to lose a friend just because I've moved on with my life. I don't have a hint of "those" feelings towards him anymore. Yes, I will always love him. He was a big part of my life for 5 years, but I don't want to be with him. I don't want to go back to the way things were. Even if he left his wife tomorrow and proposed to me in a crowded public place, I would tell him no without even thinking about it. He hurt me so badly and I can never forgive him for that. He broke too many promises and fed me too many lies. As long as MM can control himself, which he has, I will continue to talk to him. He still has more work to do at our house! I'm an adult and I know how to control myself! Plus, my bf is much better looking! No way I'm throwing away everything I have for someone who apparently didn't think I was good enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 I don't mean to raise any "flags!". When I say MM, I mean my exMM. After all, he is a MM, just not mine! Lol! I know it's odd that I still talk to exMM......my bf DOES know I talk to him. He just isn't aware that we were together. Frankly, it shouldn't matter as long as we're not physical OR emotionally involved, which we're not. I'm even allowed to talk to ex-bf's. I'm just not allowed to meet up with them without my bf present. Which I have no intentions of doing. I'm friends with a lot of my ex-bf's and still talk to a few of them every other week or so. We're secure with the fact that neither one of us has lived under a rock the past 25 yrs of our lives and we do have pasts that involved other people. Some of you may never understand and I realize that you're seeing things from your POV. I would never jeopardize what I have now. I plan to marry this man some day. Some may not see how having my exMM in my life would benefit me. He's still a friend and he still gives me sound advice when I need it. I don't turn to him for emotional support because that's my bf's role. He's an extra set of ears and an additional opinion. I guess that's the best way for me to put it! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 (edited) Some of you may never understand and I realize that you're seeing things from your POV. I would never jeopardize what I have now. I plan to marry this man some day. Some may not see how having my exMM in my life would benefit me. He's still a friend and he still gives me sound advice when I need it. I don't turn to him for emotional support because that's my bf's role. He's an extra set of ears and an additional opinion. I guess that's the best way for me to put it!I guess my question is...If you didn't have your BF right now would you still have the current relationship as it is today with your exMM? This is where I have a problem with my exMW. You mentioned the lies and broken promises....I was treated the same way and I feel regardless of how things were. I couldn't believe anything that came out of her mouth would only be lies anyway. I would see no value in taking any kind of advice or seek opinion from that person. Just my 2 cents.... Edited June 20, 2011 by Confused4Now Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 ((((((((((((((((SH)))))))))))))))), soooo good to see you!!!!! Wow, I hope you hang out for awhile. I am so glad to hear things are going well for you...you deserve it. Wishing you continued happiness in all things:D Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I feel this is going to end badly for you if you don't start living honestly. If you're still talking to MM, you're still having an affair with him, and I'm sure your BF would be LIVID to know you had your affair partner in your home and talk to him weekly. Telling him won't hurt him. Doing it is what will hurt him. So you're already hurting him, but deceiving him so that he doesn't know. Yet. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Amazing. Happy endings are simply not to be tolerated by some here..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 I guess my question is...If you didn't have your BF right now would you still have the current relationship as it is today with your exMM? This is where I have a problem with my exMW. You mentioned the lies and broken promises....I was treated the same way and I feel regardless of how things were. I couldn't believe anything that came out of her mouth would only be lies anyway. I would see no value in taking any kind of advice or seek opinion from that person. Just my 2 cents.... I understand what you're saying.......he's a smart businessman and he knows all my trials and tribulations that I deal with at work. I NEVER ask his opinion as far as relationships go! We didn't end on horrible terms, so I treat him like I treat all my other ex's that I get along with. Nothing is very different, other than the fact that he was married. I don't trust him as far as what he would tell me concerning his wife (which we don't discuss now) but I do trust that he would steer me in the right direction when it comes to other issues. I guess what it boils down to, is that we want each other to be happy, whether we're together or not. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I know it's odd that I still talk to exMM......my bf DOES know I talk to him. He just isn't aware that we were together. Frankly, it shouldn't matter as long as we're not physical OR emotionally involved, which we're not.If it doesn't matter, why have you hidden it from your guy? If he finds out you've been withholding the truth from him, he's going to feel you are deceitful. That wouldn't be a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Amazing. Happy endings are simply not to be tolerated by some here..... EXACTLY!! That is why I left this site so long ago! No matter what, there is so much negativity. I love my bf, and I will never jeopardize what we have. I could have easily left out that I'm still in slight contact with my exMM! I just wanted everyone to know that you don't have to be enemies! It's not going to work for everyone, but it works for me! I'm not having any physical or emotional needs met by exMM. With all that said, I won't be hanging around for long. If anyone has any genuine questions, you can PM me. I had plenty of drama in my life for 5 years and I don't need to continue with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stillhere Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 ((((((((((((((((SH)))))))))))))))), soooo good to see you!!!!! Wow, I hope you hang out for awhile. I am so glad to hear things are going well for you...you deserve it. Wishing you continued happiness in all things:D Hey there stranger!! How are things in your world? I can honestly say I didn't miss this place! I'm ready to jump off a bridge after posting only 12 hrs ago! God this place is depressing! I feel like I'm in a cage made of Twizzlers, surrounded by man eating sharks! Lol! Not sure how I survived all this while I was still in the A! You'll have to PM me so we can keep in touch, cuz I am not hanging around here for long! I figured it would be a mistake to post, but I did it anyways, just to let those who are hurting know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not always a train Link to post Share on other sites
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