She's with him in a hotel in Europe right now!

[thatone]

i'm not surprised that a woman is again trying to justify a cheating wife.

[Spectre]

She doesn't belong in another country with another man, period. End the marriage, she clearly doesn't care about it.

[samspade]

She doesn't belong in another country with another man, period. End the marriage, she clearly doesn't care about it.

 

Agree. Who needs proof when she's engaging in childish behavior? Just deliver the hammer and get rid of her.

[Lucky_One]

Spectre and Sam, how about read the entire thread. She wasn't in Europe with another man - the OP has even said he jumped to conclusions.

[thesignsareallthere]

OK, so the wife returned, has been cold, aloof, rude, nasty and so far I've been trying very hard to eliminate the outside stressors so we can make a go of it. Cleaned the entire house twice now, done all the laundry, kept the kitchen and outside immaculate. Idea being with those things taken care of we can focus on the main issue at hand with less distraction. It's actually easy now that I've de-cluttered.

 

I could list off the sordid details of a week of hell but anyone here who's been in a drawn out, slow motion disagreement with a spouse can imagine. I proposed a counsellor but she's said why bother, then looked up the one I proposed and suggested the same one that her sister used (and came to the conclusion she needed to divorce). I'm inclined to stick with a more neutral third party. Anyway as for the signs of an affair, I've been looking intently and it's the abscense of evidence that's still there.

 

1) She didn't bring home any receipts whatsoever

2) Her digital pictures include no pics from the entire week when I was thinking something was going on. We did meet up with the sister yesterday and the sister transferred the extra pictures that my wife had taken and saved to the sister's PC when her memory card had filled up, but, surprise surprise still no pictures from the time in paris by herself.

3) The wife deleted all of her text messages

4) She's spurned all attempts at affection - can't even look at me or hug me unless prompted by the kids and it feels forced in the extreme

5) She has only mentioned my accusation of her cheating once and didn't pursue the subject at all

6) Despite a massive amount of work I've done to clean and purge and simplify the house arrangements she's shown no signs of appreciation whatsoever. Hasn't cooked a meal but gave me **** about some of her potted flowers outside dying and for changing her organization systems some of which were reasonable some which were hoarder central.

7) There were a bunch of bills on the counter and the only one she was interested in was the mobile bill and she spent quite a while looking at the dialed numbers until she realized it was last months' bill.

 

So has the sitution may have taken a new turn back to "Oh **** it really did happen." Next mobile bill arrives in a couple of days - I registered online so even if it's intercepted at the mail slot, I'll get to see it. Could be mighty interesting. Advice welcomed.

 

No, I havn't she any tears or acted like a hurt animal, just a mature adult trying to work it out. I've insisted on us have our conversations in a civil manner and refused to continue discussions when she reverts to insults, name calling, shouting and sweeping generalizations. The predicted week from hell has arrived and I'm doing ok. Kids are totally aware that something is up.

[Badenov]

If you think she cheated and you have evidence to back it up than why are you jumping through hoops to appease(cleaning the house and so on) her? Man up

 

Gotta agree here. Couldn't be more obvious if she had sex with this guy right in front of you. You can't fix it by yourself. Protect your assets & get a lawyer.

[Chi townD]

Agreed, just make sure you get a hold of that phone bill.

[Try]

OK, so the wife returned, has been cold, aloof, rude, nasty

4) She's spurned all attempts at affection - can't even look at me or hug me unless prompted by the kids and it feels forced in the extreme

I've insisted on us have our conversations in a civil manner and refused to continue discussions when she reverts to insults, name calling, shouting and sweeping generalizations. The predicted week from hell has arrived and I'm doing ok. Kids are totally aware that something is up.

She has been gone for all that time and this is how she treats you when she returns? Reading the above it does not matter if she cheated or not because your marriage is over. The fact that you do not see this is why she has no respect for you.

[David Cain]

Spectre and Sam, how about read the entire thread. She wasn't in Europe with another man - the OP has even said he jumped to conclusions.

 

He has not jumped to conclusions, you, his wife, and other posters are just trying to throw him off the scent.

 

Besides, look at his latest post. His wife came back and is now treating him like trash. Typical behavior from a cheater.

 

OP file for divorce.

[PegNosePete]

She has been gone for all that time and this is how she treats you when she returns? Reading the above it does not matter if she cheated or not because your marriage is over. The fact that you do not see this is why she has no respect for you.

Absolutely agree with this. It doesn't matter whether she cheated or not. The marriage is dead as a dodo. See a lawyer and file for divorce dude.

[rafallus]

Yeah, told you before - take no ****. Woman, whom you need to walk on eggshells around, is worthless as partner.

[Lucky_One]

The marriage had issues to begin with. She leaves, and her H accuses her of meeting an internet lover in Paris, sees a lawyer, sees a therapist, tries to keep her children from talking to her while she is gone, takes the children out of planned summer activities, and rearranges the household (which is a back-handed complaint about her personality and housekeeping abilities).

 

I travel a lot. If my H really hacked into my email and accused me of having a lover on the basis of one forwarded email which I explained, it is doubtful I would return home in a lovey-dovey mood.

 

This is definitely one of the cases on here where I would LOVE to hear the other person's perspective on the marriage and on the circumstances.

 

I believe that some intensive MC would be a great idea here, as each partner has built up a huge wall of anger and defensiveness which will prevent either of them from reaching out in a constructive manner. They need a neutral third party to give some perspective, and to give them as safe place to discuss what is happening in their hearts and minds.

[Chi townD]

Ummm...he never actually kept the kids from communicating with their mother. In fact, in past posts the OP stated that she responded to his daughters e-mail and stated that "she was having a hard time getting a hold of dad." or something to that effect.

 

I still say wait until the phone bill comes on-line.

[thesignsareallthere]

Just 20 text messages sent of package of 25. Can't get them back because they were deleted - about a third were sent to me anyway. That plus no subsequent unusual surfing or texting or calls from either home or cell leaves me to conclude that the thesignwerentallthere. Saw MC together today and we were both asked - ratio of thinking of separating vs staying together - her answer was 60/40 in favor of split, mine was 80/20 in favor of stay together.

 

Told us change the patterns or we're doomed. Pointed us in direction of the "Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage", homework to figure out whether to go in for intensive couselling together plus 1 on 1 with separate counsellors or throw in the towel. Not a cash motivation here - she's an employee of an EAP and even steered us to other agencies.

 

Things actually have settled down somewhat - while the wife may never admit it, it's easier to get and keep the house clean thanks in no small part to my purging. She'll start half a dozen sorting activities and there'll be stuff scattered in several rooms at the end of a couple of days, I'll throw it all back together and voila - comfortable house. Not the stuff of tabloids to be sure, but there sure were a lot of reasons to be suspicious.

[thesignsareallthere]

Unbroken sequence of pictures for the missing week were found on a separate folder so the sequence of her digital pics goes for all days and just looks like a person wandering Paris alone snapping pics to keep their mind off their crumbling marriage. Kinda sad. I was wrong - maybe pushed the marriage closer to tipping point with my own paranoia and response. Or maybe we've got the catalyst to really set a new course. Time will tell. Another good thing - our son who's rather a handful has settled down a lot now that mom is back too.

[omgitsdonna]

Stop doing it immediately!

 

Stop being so suspicious about your wife. Sometimes relationships need to be refreshed.

 

If she is with another man right now, do not think that she will betray you -let her have fun for a while, let her to have rest of all this family life. I do not think it's sth serious if the guy is that young!

 

Moreover, do not show that you are jelous - show her your trust and great love and I'm pretty sure she won't let you down!

 

Good luck to your family!

[bentnotbroken]

Stop doing it immediately!

 

Stop being so suspicious about your wife. Sometimes relationships need to be refreshed.

 

If she is with another man right now, do not think that she will betray you -let her have fun for a while, let her to have rest of all this family life. I do not think it's sth serious if the guy is that young!

 

Moreover, do not show that you are jelous - show her your trust and great love and I'm pretty sure she won't let you down!

 

Good luck to your family!

 

 

Brilliant......not.

[Washburn]

Unbroken sequence of pictures for the missing week were found on a separate folder so the sequence of her digital pics goes for all days and just looks like a person wandering Paris alone snapping pics to keep their mind off their crumbling marriage. Kinda sad. I was wrong - maybe pushed the marriage closer to tipping point with my own paranoia and response. Or maybe we've got the catalyst to really set a new course. Time will tell. Another good thing - our son who's rather a handful has settled down a lot now that mom is back too.

 

Dude I am invested in this thread...keep us updated. So my question to you: do you want to save this marriage? Do you love your wife? How are things going now? Any affection at all?

[Lucky_One]

I would ask your MC if a marriage retreat might be a good thing for the two of you. Sometimes "intensive togetherness" with an obligation to be honest and open can work wonders.

 

It sounds as though being away from your children might be a very good thing for them AND for you. If your children really can't bear to away from a parent for two weeks, then there may be some separation issues that need to be addressed. When parents spend all their time catering to the needs and wants of children, there is often precious little time and energy to give to the spouse.

 

I am glad that the last of your suspicions are answered. When you posted that she pored over the last cell bill, my first thought was that she was looking for calls that YOU might be making. It wouldn't be out of the question for your wife to wonder if your accusations towards her came out of your own cheating, especially as you would go for days being out of contact with her and ignoring her efforts at communication.

 

Good luck!! Marriages can certainly be revived and made better, with effort on both parts. I hope it all works out for you two.

[David Cain]

I would ask your MC if a marriage retreat might be a good thing for the two of you. Sometimes "intensive togetherness" with an obligation to be honest and open can work wonders.

 

It sounds as though being away from your children might be a very good thing for them AND for you. If your children really can't bear to away from a parent for two weeks, then there may be some separation issues that need to be addressed. When parents spend all their time catering to the needs and wants of children, there is often precious little time and energy to give to the spouse.

 

I am glad that the last of your suspicions are answered. When you posted that she pored over the last cell bill, my first thought was that she was looking for calls that YOU might be making. It wouldn't be out of the question for your wife to wonder if your accusations towards her came out of your own cheating, especially as you would go for days being out of contact with her and ignoring her efforts at communication.

 

Good luck!! Marriages can certainly be revived and made better, with effort on both parts. I hope it all works out for you two.

 

Brilliant......not.

[Chi townD]

Brilliant......not.

 

Lucky One and I may not see eye to eye on some things, but that's actually good advice on the marriage counseling and couples retreats.

[thesignsareallthere]

We're sleeping the same bed but not exactly waking the neighbors - the wife is still iceberg nasty most of the time. I've kept with the thorough house tidying duties hoping for signs of warming but not much yet. Basically she says "been here, done this before and after a week or two you'll slip back into your old ways".

 

Now I admit I'm pretty average doing vacuuming, bathrooms and kitchens but both nanny's who lived with us in the past were astounded at how much more work I did than my wife - inside maybe 60%, outside 90%. But here's the deal - to commute to work, I take the bus to the train, it's 30 minutes. If she drives me, that 30 minutes goes to 5. Kids are home on summer holidays, wife has no obligations but when I asked her to drive me now that there's no other thing going on, she says I'm ordering her around. I mean wtf - just one car - maybe time to buy a second one. But other way around god help me if I don't drive her because she gets car sick on the bus. Hmm, am I stupid prolonging the agony. I'm trying the get more with honey than vinegar but so far honey begets vinegar. I told her tonight I'm trying to make things better and need a sign from you that you still care. To which she replied, "I'm here and I'm not trying to kill you and that's all I can do..." When I mention that I'm trying she belittle's my work - "so you did 5 days of laundry - big deal..." But it's so much more ah well, frustrating as all get out. Tomorrow night is date night - kids will be at grama's we'll see.

[PegNosePete]

Maybe you should f*ck off to Europe for a month? See how she likes it. Make sure to email your booking to random women before you go, and leave your password on a post-it note...

[P&R]

Maybe you should f*ck off to Europe for a month? See how she likes it. Make sure to email your booking to random women before you go, and leave your password on a post-it note...

An eye for an eye makes the world blind. Revenge is not the answer here, it will undoubtedly push the marriage to it's breaking point. From what I gather the OP wants to reconcile with his spouse.

 

Now onto the OP... out of curiosity did you happen to tell your wife how you felt about this trip? I understand you drafted an email to send to her that explained your feelings, but you didn't send it.

[Bryanp]

Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. In your relationship it is clear that your wife is the Alpha.