on breaking cycle of meanness

[klassiandreams]

I've been noticing a trend as of late on my own personal behaviour. I've been particularly bitchy, scornful and degrading towards anything that doesn't please my eye. I didn't used to be like that; what started out as a journey to find my self assertion and confidence has degenerated into a power struggle between me and the rest of the world; where I seek dominion over others in an attempt to find power.

 

I'm well aware of that and I intend to stop all these. I really want to be nice and helpful to people but for some reason, there's something internal within me that keeps lashing out and I dont know why. What's worse is that I'm surrounded with people with the same temperament with me so I cant exactly approach anyone for help, be it my friends or family. Please advise. Thank you.

[Datura]

You probably do this because it creates a temporary sense of satisfaction.

 

Maybe you first need to arrive at a place where being "nice" and "helpful" comes more readily, rather than the degrading words being in the forefront.

 

So in order for that to be achieved, you have to look at the situations you put yourself in, or are involuntarily being put in, and once a degrading thought or scornful comment begins to surface, step back from it, ask yourself why you're thinking that, if it's of any use to you, of any use to others, and if not, just let it pass. It may not pass right away, chances are it will not. Just notice its presence, but do not act upon it. When the temptation arises to where you DO want to react, ask yourself: Will taking action accomplish anything worthwhile? Is this thought I want to act upon even worthwhile?

 

Challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself if they are truthful, if these are something you want part of your psyche (you mentioned having awareness, but when you are in such a moment, reminding yourself is important). When the answer is "No," turn your attention to something else. Don't give any more credence to that thought. You can even act opposite to what that thought/feeling is. Say something constructive, look at the situation differently; through less discriminating eyes.

 

If you find yourself placing too much emphasis upon such thoughts being "right" or "wrong," and beat yourself up over them in the process, just go with the aforementioned observing of the thought. Work your way up to challenging if necessary.

 

You must ultimately be patient with yourself.

 

It's impressive that you have enough insight to take notice of this, even more so in being surrounded by those who hold similar sentiments.

Edited June 20, 2011 by Datura

[klassiandreams]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I'll try to stop my actions and try to rationalise before I say anything. Sometimes, because the words and behaviours become habitual overtime, stopping myself from the satisfaction of a well-placed zinger is difficult but I will try. Mostly because that satisfaction is hollow deep-within and doesnt provide me with any solace.

 

I was watching some TED videos recently and I think I may have reached the root cause of this behaviour. I was brought up in a competitive setting where I would be punished, if not degraded severely by my peers and family if I did not achieve the best performance amongst everyone, be it academia or something as foolish as a piano recital.

 

I was encouraged and eventually gravitated towards an attitude to dismiss anything of lesser competence with derision. When the few people I know accused me of blatant arrogance, my friends comforted me with, "At least you have something to be arrogant about."

 

I guess many things in my life are motivated by a fear of losing. A fear of being second-class, outranked, of never being good enough. That if I'm not the best, I wouldn't be loved or appreciated (which is unfortunately true in my case. My brother is termed by my mom as the 'black sheep' of the family for falling below the 50 percent academic strata of his contemporaries.)

 

Lol, it's almost funny, seeing all the repressed anger in retrospect. I think I need to get away from all these, maybe fly over to another country where the conditions are not so results-driven. When i was reading your response, I needed a moment to digest it all, for I couldnt believe that somebody would offer such non-judgmental and gentle advice. And then I realise that I need to be kinder to myself, if an anonymous response could provoke all that! Hahaha.